Those two weeks went by in what seemed like a flash for Chuuya.

Hakone had been beautiful, he, Dazai and Odasaku had stayed in a cabin in the woods that had been closely located to the waters that Dazai and Chuuya spent way too much time catapulting in. They'd climbed trees like children and played tag amongst them too, giggling like idiots. Odasaku usually sat on the porch of the cabin, pen in hand as he wrote another one of his books, Chuuya didn't mention it to Dazai but he noticed the way Odasaku would occasionally take a break from his writing to watch them play, small smile tugging at his lips.

It was probably sad for the adults in their life too, once upon a time they had been just kids, innocent and sweet. Now they were adults, likely to never spend permanent time at home anymore.

It was probably heart warming to see them play tag like they were kids again.

They cooked marshmallows by the fire and told scary stories when the dark hit, that put all three of them on edge for the rest of the night. Chuuya didn't make fun of Dazai for sneaking out of his room late at night to go and sleep with Odasaku, even as a grown-ass man. And So Odasaku didn't mention when he saw Chuuya sneak out of Dazai's room early in the morning when the sun was beginning to rise.

They spent some time sightseeing and bickering, Oda had paid for most of the trip so anything that Dazai and Chuuya wanted was paid for by Odasaku too, which Chuuya was eternally grateful for.

They drove from place to place with music blaring and Chuuya and Dazai singing their hearts out in the backseat.

So much happed that Chuuya had completely forgot about the incident with Shirase, a few weeks ago, the only reminder that he had were any wounds that were still healing on Dazai, the burns on his arms and the cut on his lip, which was beginning to from a little scar. Chuuya sometimes had the urge to kiss that scar.

But he didn't.

There was also the problem of Chuuya having very few decent clothes. When they went out late at night to explore the small village festivals, he had to borrow some of Dazai's nicer clothes which wasn't too bad expect for the fact that Dazai was a giant and Chuuya...was not.

On the last night Chuuya sat near to the water, on the dock, his feet were submerged in the water and his eyes were trained on the rising, full moon. He heard footsteps behind him but he didn't care who it was, if it was Dazai that was good and if it was Odasaku that would be good too.

It was Oda. Chuuya was glad.

"you're looking peaceful out here," Oda spoke voice gentle as he too sat beside Chuuya just a little further back so his shoes didn't touch the water.

"I am feeling peaceful. I feel like I haven't breathed like this in a while," to prove his point Chuuya inhaled deeply, letting the fresh, humid air flood his lungs.

"Because of your boyfriend... Shirase? Was it?" Oda asked, tearing his gaze from the water to Chuuya.

"Yeah, Shirase," He could feel Oda's piercing yet gentle gaze on him and he too turned his head to look art Oda "I suppose you know about what happened between us."

"Dazai told me a bit, not enough that I knew the ins and outs of everything but I knew enough to know what type of environment you were and probably still are involved with. Not to mention I've seen the bruise and scar on Dazai's lip."

Chuuya audibly winced, running his hand through his hair, then letting one of his hands dropped into his lap, while the other remined to fiddle with his hair, "I'm sorry I put him in that situation,"

"I'm sorry you both ended up in that situation, you're too young to be dealing with things like this," Oda said, though his voice was distant, like he knew more.

"I..." Chuuya breathed in shakily, "I feel like it was my fault, like I did something that made Shirase want to take drugs. And I'm scared that he'll do something rash if I'm not there," Chuuya looked down at his feet in the water, swaying the water around absentmindedly "I don't think I love him but I don't want to be responsible for someone's well being or life... that scares me. Especially after..." Chuuya's eyes watered.

There it was again. Dazai, seventeen, sitting on the floor, mouth hanging over the toilet as he trembled and hallucinated through his overdose.

Chuuya closed his eyes, ignoring yet again the sound of punches echoing through his ears.

Oda placed his hand on Chuuya's shoulder, and squeezed "Understand that the decisions people make aren't your consequences to bear. It's like with Dazai, you think I could live each day blaming myself for the way he was when he was seventeen? I had no idea that he didn't value his life, until the bathroom incident you saw. Dazai made that decision for himself. He wasn't himself but it was still his decision. I can be there to support him and care for him but blaming myself, telling myself I'm not a good parent or that his mental health is my fault, will just drive me insane. Shirase chose to take drugs and he chose to go to parties and mess around. That's on him, not you."

Oda paused "Its not his fault either though. He's gone through struggles and he gets high and does thing he'll regret when he's sober. Dazai told me that he was actually quite the nice guy when you first met."

Chuuya looked at him "So... what you're saying is that nobody is in the wrong here?"

Oda sat in thought for a while "No. he is in the wrong. He put his hands on you and hurt you in ways you should never have to go through. But drugs can change a person. You're just a group of young adults, who are really just teenagers being suddenly thrown into adulthood. You have all these problems, from getting all this freedom from your parents and not knowing what to do with it. And then it leads into heaps and heaps of problems. But Chuuya just knows whatever becomes of Shirase, isn't your fault." Oda pat him on the back and then said nothing else; Chuuya didn't need him to say anything else, that was enough for Chuuya to find peace with... some parts of his life, some of the good and some of the bad.

Oda got up with one final pat on Chuuya's back and ruffle of his hair, which made Chuuya wiggle happily, "I'm going back now, don't stay up too late. And don't stay here for too long, you may be a man but anyone staying a forest late at night isn't smart."

Chuuya nodded, leaning his head into Oda's head pat and he was left alone to think.

He wasn't sure how long he stayed there, stewing in his thoughts but he knew it was a while.

The door closed with a gentle click, Chuuya turned the lock on the door and pulled all the blinds, for safety. He then turned to check on Odasaku who was sound asleep in his bed. Chuuya noticed the empty glass of water by the bed, so he went and poured another one and put it back, pulling the covers on the older man and smiling softly before leaving the room. He then went to take a quick shower and then put his pyjamas on.

He walked straight past his room and instead opened the door to Dazai's, there were no spooky stories to give himself an excuse as to why he was there, but he didn't need an excuse now that he thought about it. He'd spent majority of his nights next to Dazai, more so than he'd spent them on his own. He didn't an excuse.

He didn't want to be alone tonight. That was reason enough.

The road trip back was, surprisingly quiet, in comparison to how they had been all throughout this trip, songs were still sung and dances where still danced but they were far more peaceful than they had been before. Chuuya hadn't skipped the slow songs this time, and he didn't hesitate to flash Dazai a smile when for some reason beyond him, he flashed him a smile when Chuuya caught him looking.

Chuuya kicked the door to his dorm apartment and threw his backpack in, stumbling in with a tired sigh.

Holidays always did that thing to you where they were holidays and yet somehow the most relaxed you feel is when you're finally home in you element and in your bed.

"Chuuya! You're back! How was it?" Tachihara asked, shooting off the couch and grabbing Chuuya's luggage from him, to help him take it into Chuuya's room. He was glad to see Chuuya back, strange, Chuuya couldn't remember the last time Tachihara had greeted him with so much enthusiasm in a long while.

"It was good, really good. Felt like it was just me, Dazai and Odasaku. I didn't have to worry about anything else."

Tachihara grinned as he paced Chuuya's luggage down and found his seat on Chuuya's bed "How was Dazai?"

Chuuya looked away from where he was placing his backpack down "Thought you spoke to him?"

The other shrugged "I did but, you know, he's good at diverting the conversation from himself."

"He was good. Looked like he enjoyed being there. He especially enjoyed pushing me into the water any chance he got."

Tachihara laughed "Reminds of that one time you were pissing yourself about going on that waters slide, when we were fifteen and he pushed you in."

"He seems to have a kink for heights doesn't he?" Chuuya muttered gruffly, sitting gown at his desk chair "Really pisses me off."

"Sooo...." Tachihara began twiddling his thumbs while looking away, " You willing to start playing football with me for the summer, we could be our own power team again. I've been waiting for an opportunity to show you off as my second hand man."

Chuuya scoffed and rolled his hands, placing his hands on his hips "Show me off? I don't need you to show me off. I'm perfectly capable of showing myself off."

Tachihara, sat upwards, swinging his legs from off of the bed and pacing his elbows on his knees "Yeah? Then what are you waiting for? Practice starts in two hours, you know."

"You've been planning this haven't you?"

Tachihara looked away "Spending time with Dazai does things to your mind."

Chuuya laughed "He's full of mind games. That bastard."

Despite Tachihara's scheming, Chuuya did enjoy playing football, in the same way he did in Highschool when he and Tachihara did beat the asses of the cocky players who took one look at Chuuya and thought Tachihara must be joking.

Because although Chuuya must admit he had a slightly smaller stature, his little body was packing a big punch.

Tachihara patted him on the back, both of them panting crazily "I'm joining you every week, your team is shit," Chuuya wheezed "It's a wonder how you've won any games this season."

"it's all thanks to Tachihara," one of the other men spoke, Mark Twain? That was his name...Chuuya thought. He'd gotten introduced to the team at the beginning but he was so focused on crushing their egotistical looks that he didn't really pay attention to their names.

He probably only remembered his name because he was another fellow ginger.

"Of course its thanks to Tachihara," Chuuya spoke, finally finding the strength to stand up "all of you are jack shit. You're good for you're age. If you were playing just casually at the park I would have been impressed, but you're playing to win this school trophies and with those moves, you're winning out of pure luck, in the form of Tachihara."

"And why should we take advice from you?" Another man spoke up.

Tachihara sighed and leaned closer to Chuuya to whisper in his ear "That's William Blake, he's a bit of an egoist and stubborn."

"Cause Tachihara and I just beat your ass and I haven't played in a year. You don't have to listen to me but if you want to be a dick sucker next to your whole team then be my guest."

The team whistled and at that Blake stayed quiet.

"Next week?" Twain asked, tossing Chuuya a water bottle.

Chuuya caught it easily, another moment he unknowingly flexed his innate reflexes that the team clearly noticed but said nothing about.

"Sure thing."

He put on a sweatshirt, noticing how the warm day bled into a chilly summer night and went to leave practice, Tachihara opted to stay longer as well as other team mates too.

"ooo, you're so scary and intimidating! I didn't think I'd be so scared from such a ittie bitte boy like you!"

Chuuya turned toward that irritating voice, "What are you doing here?"

Dazai smiled, waving his lit phone around "Tachihara shot me a text saying you were playing with balls again."

Chuuya frowned at him "Ha.Ha.Ha. Very funny. So what? You came here to watch me play?"

"What else? Wanted to come and see if you'd trip over your own feet again! It was such a beautiful moment in my life!"

Chuuya suddenly smirked, despite the bait to piss him off "need a reminder about how a football to the face feels again?"

Dazai visibly retracted and brought his arms to cover his face, "No! Absolutely not! The whole school laughed at me for two weeks, it was miserable!"

Chuuya flicked him on the forehead "You're misery is my joy," he said smugly, then began to walk away, presumably back towards the dorms. Dazai huffed and then caught up to Chuuya, matching his stride (he was walking quite slow though, his legs were longer). They walked in silence for a moment until Chuuya began to notice the way Dazai was glancing in every direction apart from where he was walking, he also noticed the way his hand kept flinging away when their knuckles brushed. "Go on. Spit out."

Dazai looked at him "I-" he sighed "Never mind, its nothing."

"Just say it, I'm not going to hit you in the face with a football again."

Dazai looked at him and flushed "I'm not worried about that, I know you won't"

"Then?" He stopped in front of Dazai "We're not moving until you tell me what you want."

There was one thing that Chuuya knew well about Dazai. Actually, he knew a lot about Dazai. But one thing he knew very well was that Dazai, when feeling insecure about something, needed to be confronted head on, with his mind constantly working he had a tendency to overthink about a lot: If people liked him truly or if they were faking, if the professors hated him, if his grades were just luck, minute things he felt but never voiced. But Chuuya knew better and as the one of the two who is blunt and does not care about other peoples opinions of him, it was his job to reel Dazai back in when he was drowning in his thoughts.

The brunets gaze sharpened and then softened, probably realizing that he couldn't argue here. "Do you..." He hesitated but Chuuya reassured him by taking his hand, Dazai's breathe hitched, he stuffed his other hand into his pocket, the jingle of his keys heard as he fiddled with what Chuuya assumed to be the keychain he'd gotten him, "Do you want to start going skating again? At the old park?"

Chuuya looked at him with an almost pitiful smile "That's what you were so worked up about?" Dazai looked away from his as if he was embarrassed with himself. "Of course I do. Got nothing better to do, do I?"

Dazai looked at him carefully "No... no I suppose you don't have anything better to do."

And that's how the majority of summer went, Chuuya juggled between playing football and skating and going out with his other friends as well as occasionally doing some school work.Unsurprisingly he summer seemed to go by incredibly fast.

It was four weeks of what Chuuya would describe as peaceful bliss, there were no problems. He spent his time watching Dazai skate just as well as he once did, if not even better, while juggling in between eating lollipops and smoking.

There were scattered nights of drunkenness with an aray of people, with Yosano, Atsushi, occasionally Akutagawa, always with Dazai.

In fact over those four weeks Chuuya felt like he'd gotten close to Dazai in the way they were before all the shit with Shirase happened.

He chose to ignore the flutters he felt, and the obscene amount of time he spent staring at the younger.

Yeah, he was just, missing intimacy. That was all.

Chuuya didn't have to worry about this for much longer though.

Close to the end of summer, the peace faded, because Shirase decided to show up again.

It was a normal Saturday for Chuuya, he was siting in his room, playing games on his laptop, Fyodor was at the library working his shift with Dazai and Tachihara was out with some of his football friends, so Chuuya was alone, a feeling he hadn't quite experienced in a long time but welcomed it nonetheless.

He had his headphones tucked snuggly in his ear, foot tapping on his mattress along with the beat.

He wished he hadn't paused his music and heard the doorbell.

Chuuya got up and walked towards the door and opened it, not really giving it a second thought.

Shirase stood there, eyes clear and full of hope, he had his hands tucked behind his back. Chuuya froze for a moment, the hair on the back of his neck standing up in defence. Shirase looked healthy but Chuuya's mind was still seeing the bags, the red eyes and bleeding nose. It wasn't there but he could see it, like a hallucination.

Somewhere distantly he also remembered Dazai's bloody mouth and panic at the blood on his arms.

"What... How?" Chuuya asked, but he wasn't sure exactly what he was asking, he was in too much disbelief about how Shirase had the audacity to show up here, after what he did to Dazai.

"I know you may not want to see-" Chuuya already heard enough.

"I don't. You- I-... I don't have clothes! I have to borrow Dazai's or Tachihara's, hell I even borrowed Fyodor's and his boyfriends and all they wear is white! And what you did to Dazai! My best friend! I... he's... you-!" Chuuya ran his hands through his hair, remembering what Oda said, it wasn't Shirase's fault, he was under the influence. Yes, he was reaching out for drugs, going back to it like a slave, but that was addiction. It was a cycle. A cycle that affected everyone.

"You did so much damage. To Dazai. To me."

"I know- I know Chuuya, that's why I'm here. It's been hell without you. You made everything bett-"

"So you slap me?! So you burn my clothes while they're on me!? Because I made everything better?"

"No! No, its not that. It was drugs, I couldn't control what I was doing, it made me feel good but it made me so angry, so, so angry. And I got so jealous when you looked so good for other people. But I gave it up! I stopped doing coke. Yuan hasn't offered and I haven't asked. I even control my drinking now. I'm trying and its hell. Withdrawal is shit. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But I'm trying. So godamn hard!"

"You gave it up?" Chuuya felt some hope seep into his vison again. He was seeing the man he first met. A good person.

Shirase nodded enthusiastically, "I did... it's been hell been hell but I'm trying. So please Chuuya. Parties have been hell without you, they've been so boring, devoid of excitement," He reached out from behind him and pulled out a black box he was hiding, that had some flowers on top, snapdragon's.

"I got you this... it's not much. But it's all I could afford."

Chuuya took the box, he looked down at it, fingers trailing the petals of the flower before he looked back at Shirase uncertainly," If I accept this, do I have to accept you?"

Shirase shook his head "If you don't want me back that's okay. This is the least I can do for you."

With that settled Chuuya placed the flowers on the nearby shoe wrack, he then moved to open the box, beautiful cerulean eyes widening in awe.

"My fishnet gloves?"

"The exact same, it took me a while to find them and it took me a while to scrape enough money to buy them. I know you loved them."

The shorter gazed between Shirase and the gloves, with new found excitement and perhaps infatuation he hurriedly placed the box on the side next to the flowers and slipped the gloves on, they fit perfectly.

A surge of emotion surged within him and he scooped Shirase into a hug, Shirase held him back, Chuuya didn't notice the way his arms didn't feel right around him anymore.

A sigh of relief slipped out of Shirase and he squeezed Chuuya as hard as he could "I don't think I can live without you."

Chuuya's mind didn't notice that his greatest fear was just thrown at him, he didn't notice the bright red flag that Shirase waving at him, just from a single sentence.

The thing is, with young people, they don't know what's good and what's bad. They get thrown into the fast life, things that are so heavily romanticized in movies and then they don't know when to slam the breaks. They know what scares them but take the plunge, the adrenaline that comes with it, the Oxytocin, Dopamine, the Endorphins, red flags and exit sighs that morph into disco lights, liquor becomes water. When you're a child or a teenager, you know those things are wrong. But as a young adult or teenager, that bright red blaring light doesn't mean stop. It means go. Red was dreadfully enticing.

So Chuuya went. He dived in for that kiss, he embraced the way Shirase's hands felt on his body, even if they still felt wrong. He embraced Shirase's thrusts and the bites that drew red hot blood. Every sign that he should stop and yet he kept going.

For the first time in a while he didn't care that he was on all fours, unbale to see Shirase's face, he didn't care that his hair was pulled, a thing he hated, he didn't care that everything he hated was thrown onto him, because he felt that high again.

He felt need to feel wanted by someone, to know that someone in this world needed him more than air. Shirase needed him more than air. He said so himself.

At least, that's what he thought.

He didn't know there was someone else in the shadows who needed him more than air, truly.

"We need to keep this on the low," Chuuya muttered as he lay by Shirase's side, appreciating the way Shirase was holding his hand, a first in their relationship.

Shirase turned to face him, eyes scanning his face carefully "Dazai?" He asked, though he probably knew the answer already, Chuuya nodded. "It always comes down to him in the end," Shirase mumbled and looked away as he sighed.

"It hasn't now," Chuuya gazed at him tiredly yet with wide, hopeful eyes, "I'm here, with you. We did this."

Shirase's eyes started to water, "You chose me?" It was phrased like a question but not to Chuuya, more so himself. He wrapped Chuuya in a close hug, yet another thing to reinforce to Chuuya that he was a different person, he'd never hugged Chuuya after sex, ever. "You chose me."

Chuuya felt like crying too, he didn't know why. Somehow, though, he knew he wasn't crying because of Shirase, the man he was holding. The man he supposedly loved. He...

He was thinking of Dazai. He closed his eyes.

That's right, he thought "I chose..."

"You."

And yet that didn't feel right.