CHAPTER FOUR: LOVING ME IS...
song of the chapter: messy, renee rapp

Love is a feeling that Indiana thought she knew well.

It was, at one point in time, a word that she used multiple times a day, through text when she's at work and whispered against lips when she returns home. She thought that she knew love like an old friend, back then, like a feeling she had always known. Now, Indiana sees love for what it is.

Loving someone is only prolonging the inevitable heartbreak.

It's programmed in our brains that everything ends eventually, from the first breath we take to our last and every breath in between, we are only living just to die. If you choose to love someone during your short time alive, then you're the fool. Everything ends, even the love we claim to share.

Indiana knows now that what she felt for Hugo was not love. It took two years, countless therapy sessions, and a million teardrops, but Indiana finally has clarity. She can name her feelings now, recognise them for what they are and not for what she wished they had been.

It was compulsory, the love she felt for Hugo. He made the first confession, he made the first move, and up until the moment that the castle crumbled, he had always been the one to imitate their firsts.

And it's not like Indiana was forced into the relationship. She had been a willing participant, and she had enjoyed every minute that they spent together until she found out that he had betrayed her. She had loved him at one point, Indiana is sure of that much, but she's just not sure how she loved him.

Athena loves to talk about how Bobby is her big love. She tells everyone that she has loved different people at different points of her life, and she loved them just as fiercely as she loves her husband now.

She waxes poetry about how she would not be the person she is today if she had not loved them, that they had a part in carving her into the woman she is now. She loved them then, and the love lingers in her heart in the same way that our breath hangs in the cold air now.

So Indiana tries her best to keep her cousins words in mind as she fixes her lipstick while also trying her best to justify going out on a date with a man who she's only had one conversation with. As it turns out, the suitor that Athena had intended to set her up with was Buck, so really, the situation worked itself out better than Indiana could have imagined.

Still, Indiana looks at herself in the rear view mirror of her car now, and she wonders silently if this was such a good idea after all.

Buck is a great guy. Genuinely. He's kind, he's funny, he's good with Clover, and he's easy on the eyes, too, which doesn't hurt. He's everything that Indiana could have hoped for when Athena promised to set her up.

That doesn't calm the unsettled nerves in her stomach, though.

A knock sounds on the drivers side window, then, and Indiana jolts so harshly it's lucky that she doesn't have lipstick up her nose. She whips her head around to look at the window, and her heartbeat slows ever so slightly when she sets eyes on Buck.

"Can I?" He mouths, gesturing to her door.

He wants to open the door for her. Jesus fucking christ.

Indiana barely manages to nod, then her door is being opened and Buck is reaching over to undo her seatbelt then holding out a hand for her to take, and Indiana can hardly believe what she's witnessing. She clasps his hand with such gentleness she wonders if it's there at all, then she's stepping out of the car.

Then, the world seems to distort, and as they step over the curb onto the sidewalk, Indiana feels her left leg buckle. She's careening forward, so close to the gravel that she's going to leave a lipstick mark on it, and she falls.

Only she doesn't.

In the nick of time, Buck's arm is hooked around her waist, steadying her. She hardly registers the scene as it's unfolding, coming back to full consciousness only as they are walking through the doors to the restaurant and Buck's fingers are drawing shapes on her hips as he speaks to the hostess, like this is all normal. Like they do this all the time.

The domesticity of it all makes her feel sick.

Buck leans in close to her as the hostess leads them to their table, whispering in her ear, "You doing okay?"

All he receives in turn is a quick nod, because it's all that Indiana can manage. Her head is spinning, and she's not sure if it's from the way she nearly fell or the memories that are coming back to bite her at the perfect time.

In what Indiana can only assume is an act of chivalry, Buck pulls out her chair for her and tucks her in before he goes to the other side of the table and takes his own seat. He's looking at her with a look in his eye that she doesn't recognise, but it's not as if she can see it properly anyway, through the film that has formed over her eyes.

Before either of them can get a word in, their waitress comes over and introduces herself as Katy. She asks how they're doing, and offers to go and get their drinks as they peruse the menu. Indiana thinks that Buck asks for some sort of wine, but she can barely hear through the whistling in her ears.

"Indiana," he says now, and it sounds like he's whispering. He reaches a hand across the table and places it atop of hers, his eyebrows furrowed together as he looks at her. "Would you like something to drink?"

She forces herself out of her panic, momentarily, and puts her best effort into looking at Katy in a way she hopes is normal, but the tightness in her cheeks tells her that the smile is anything but. "I'll have the same as him. Thank you, Katy."

Katy leaves them, then, and they are finally alone. Indiana watches her go and wishes with every ounce of her being that she would come back.

Buck is staring at her like he can see the gears turning in her mind, as if she's got her every thought laid out on the table for him to read. It makes Indiana want to recoil into herself, like a turtle into their shell. She forces herself to swallow down the vomit in her throat, and opens her mouth to speak.

Buck beats her to it. "Are you alright, Indiana? You don't look well."

Great, she thinks. I can't even pretend that I'm alright without looking like I've swallowed a live frog.

"Just peachy," she lies. "Sorry for zoning out, there. I was just trying to wrap my head around the fact I nearly died getting out of the car."

A quiet chuckle comes from Buck, "I wouldn't have let that happen. Not sure if you're aware, but saving lives is sort of my job."

"No shit," Indiana says in mock surprise, the tension in her shoulders beginning to soften. "Next thing you'll be telling me that you save cats from trees."

"Hey," Buck says, pointing a breadstick at her. "That only happened once, and I have the pictures to prove it."

Katy returns then, with a bottle of red in her hand and two wine glasses. Indiana smiles at her as she pours, giving a small thank you as she moves on to filling Buck's glass. Indiana orders the butternut risotto, and Buck opts for the fettuccine Alfredo.

"So," Buck says, "what's it like being a teacher?"

He seems genuinely interested, which catches Indiana slightly off guard. Usually, when she tells people about her job, they tell her that she's a stronger woman than they'll ever be and thank her for her service. To hear Buck ask about it and not sound like he's about to hate whatever answer she gives him back is... nice.

"It's rewarding," Indiana tells him. "I mean, I get these kids into my class and they have no idea who I am, but I get to help mould them into functioning human beings and give them the resources that they need to succeed. By the time they leave my class, they are entirely different people and it's so gratifying to watch them move on and grow even more."

Buck smiles at her, soft and sweet. "It sounds like you really love your job."

It's a statement, meant to prompt her to continue speaking about herself.

"I love the kids, more than anything. It's amazing to see what they can do with their little minds when you give them the opportunity to explore."

She pauses, lifting her glass to take a sip. "What's it like being part of LA's finest?"

"Mentally taxing," Buck deadpans, but Indiana sees right through the facade. She raises an eyebrow, and Buck cracks a smile. "It's all I ever wanted. Not to be a firefighter, but to help people. Even though it is mentally and emotionally taxing, I would never choose anything else."

"From what Athena has told me, you're really good at it. They think the world of you, you know, her and Bobby."

Buck seems to glide right past the statement, smirking at her over his glass of wine, "You talk about me with Athena and Bobby?"

"One time," Indiana insists. "And only because I wanted to make sure you weren't a total loser before I went out with you."

A scoff arises from Buck, then, "I'm insulted you thought I was a loser to begin with. Did that moment Clover and I shared mean nothing to you?"

"I forgot it happened, to be quite honest."

She's lying, blatantly, through her teeth. She's pretending like it hasn't been on repeat in her mind since it happened, Buck's flushed cheeks and impish grin. Like it's not the first thing on her mind when she wakes up and the last thing before she goes to sleep.

Buck rolls his eyes from across the table, passing a thank you to Katy as she returns with their food. He raises his glass towards Indiana, "Here's to good company."

She lets the glasses clink, and entertains the thought that maybe things will go the way she so desperately wants them to, just this once.

But in typical fashion, it all turns to shit during dessert.

They made easy conversation during the main course, exchanging stories and laughing. Buck throws his head back at a joke she makes, and Indiana feels a small flutter in her chest. They order the cheesecake to share, because Indiana doesn't have much of a sweet tooth but she still wants to see what it's all about.

She excuses herself to the bathroom between the courses, purse in hand so she can top up her lipstick. She feels oddly content, pleased with the way that the date is going. It all feels natural, like they had met by chance and not because of Athena's matchmaking.

Then the bathroom door opens as she's standing at the sink topping up her ruby woo tinted lips, and the reflection in the mirror makes her stomach turn. A hand presses down on her shoulder, turning her towards the person that she hates most.

Well, the second person. Hugo still takes top spot.

"Indi," Annabelle says, sounding thrilled at the sight of her cousin. "It's so good to see you!"

Indiana's entire body tenses when Annabelle leans in to hug her, right in the middle of the restaurant bathroom, her arms hung at the side uselessly until the horror comes to an end.

"Hi, Annabelle," Indiana manages, barely able to breathe through the tightness in her chest. "What're you doing here?"

Annabelle shrugs her shoulders, "H and I decided to come for dinner to celebrate the end of the wedding planning. It's been draining."

"I can imagine," Indiana replies, cutting the conversation short. "Listen, I've got to go, but it was nice seeing you."

Indiana exits the bathroom with Annabelle right behind her, and she curses all things holy as Annabelle continues to follow her, a string of questions falling out of her mouth that Indiana pointedly ignores.

"Are you here with someone, Indiana? Are you on a date, Indiana? Is he nice, Indiana? Can I meet him, Indiana?"

Eventually, a few tables away from where her and Buck are meant to be enjoying a nice night, Indiana comes to a halt and turns to face Annabelle. They are the same height on a normal day, but Annabelle is wearing a pair of stilettos and Indiana is wearing boots, so the blonde towers over her ever so slightly.

It doesn't make her any more intimidating, though.

"Annie," Indiana says, her tone blunt. "My private life is none of your business, and it's not something I am going to be forced to share with people before I'm ready. Once again, it was nice seeing you, but I hope I don't see you again until the wedding. Goodbye, Annabelle."

Before Annabelle can get a word in, Indiana takes off and nearly sprints to her table. Buck looks at her in confusion when she reaches for her jacket and her bag, then starts wilding gesturing for him to do the same.

"I haven't settled the bill," Buck tells her, dumbfounded by her sudden change in attitude. He reaches for his coat anyway, but pulls his card out from his wallet and waves it in front of her. "Give me a second to do this, and we'll go, alright?"

Indiana reaches into her bag for her own wallet, pulling out a few bills that will cover the bill and the tip, then she grabs Buck by his elbow and tugs him up. "There, it's settled. Can we go now?"

Buck barely gets a chance to nod before Indiana is practically dragging him out of the restaurant, shouting a quick thank you to the hostess as they leave, then Indiana does break out into a slight jog as they make their way into the car park and she looks for her car.

"Indiana," Buck says, "What's going on? Did I do something wrong?"

Indiana turns to look at him with a horrified expression on her face, "No. No. You're perfect, Buck, believe me. It's just..."

She trails off then, the end of her sentence up in the air. She isn't sure what she's meant to say to him, to the beautiful man who couldn't have been more perfect if he tried, and the words that she knows she needs to say are caught in her throat.

The realisation dawns on her now, as her and Buck stand facing each other in the car park of the restaurant that Hugo brought Indiana to for their first date, that she's not ready for this. She thought that she had been, but seeing Annabelle looking deliriously happy, knowing that everyone else got to move on while she was stuck in the past, the pain was too raw for her to deal with.

It wouldn't be fair for her to get involved with Buck when she knew that she wasn't emotionally available- that she wouldn't be, not for a long time. It's not fair for her to lead Buck on, to let him think that Indiana is ready to give him what he desires.

But she's not, and Indiana is going to put on her big girl pants and tell him so. She's going to look Buck in his gorgeous face, and she's going to tell him that she had a great time, but she's not ready. Someone else will treat him better than Indiana ever could.

In her short avoidance of Buck's face, Indiana casts her eyes over her surroundings. She regrets it almost immediately, when they land on the entrance of the restaurant, and the face that she lands on is one that she recognises intimately.

Hugo makes eye contact with her at the exact time she tries to look away, then he's pushing off of the wall and walking towards her at such speed that Indiana feels like she might pass out.

He's fifteen steps away, then ten, then five...

And really, what the hell is Indiana supposed to do, speak to him? Is she meant to hug him and say it's good to see him, that he's looking well? Is she meant to ask him what they'll be serving for the main course at the wedding?

No, none of that is an option. She has to do something that will scare him off, something that will make Hugo leave her alone. She knows that the word no will not be enough for him to leave her alone, she needs something big.

She's limited on resources, standing here with nothing but the man in front of her and her purse. She's got pepper spray in there, but that isn't a viable option- she needs something that won't land her in some sort of lawsuit. She's sure that her car isn't far from here, she could have Buck walk her there and then drive away- but Hugo will see them together, and then he'll start asking questions that Indiana doesn't want to answer.

Buck is looking at her now, his lips pink from worrying on them as he waits for her response to his question. He's looking at her with a tenderness in his eyes that makes Indiana's stomach turn to goo, and it seems like the answer is staring her right in the face. Indiana examines at him for a second, or two, or three. Then she makes her decision.

She presses up on her tiptoes, wraps a hand around Buck's neck, and she kisses him.