"If you're that bored, why don't you just go to bed?"

"Because Momma didn't raise no quitters."

"You don't have a mother.  Wait, do you?"

"No."

"I see.  Carry on, I suppose."

---------------------------

Y/N Charming, Crown Princess of the Kingdom of Gravitallia, was bored out of her mind.

She drummed her fingers irritably against the armrest of the hard-backed chair she'd been sitting in all morning, looking over reports of crops and other deathly dull matters of the kingdom.  Tax returns, censuses, and other mundane issues cluttered her desk, all demanding her attention.

The study was dark except for a single window in front of her.  The room adjoined the massive library, which was where most of the kingdom's paperwork was kept.  

I am so bored right now, she thought for the thousandth time.  Don't we have clerks for this?  Why do I have to do this myself?

The trees swaying in the breeze outside gave her an idea.  Standing up from her uncomfortable chair, she threw the window open.  A stiff breeze gusted through the room, sending the papers on her desk all over the room.

"Oh no!" she said in fake shock.  "Whatever shall I do?  I can't clean up this mess in time for lunch!  I guess I'll just have to-"

She stopped talking to the empty room and made her exit with a satisfied smirk.

The gigantic castle Y/N called home was, as always, bustling with activity.  She passed a maid carrying a stack of linens with a smile and nod.  As soon as she was out of sight, Y/N leaped onto the banister and recklessly slid down the spiral staircase.

She landed lightly on her feet at the foot of the stairs, feeling quite proud of herself until she realized her mother was standing right in front of her.

"Y/N," Melody Charming said with a tight-lipped frown.

"Mother," Y/N said, mirroring her expression.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't just see that.  Have you finished your duties?" the queen said disapprovingly.

Y/N shuffled her feet awkwardly.  "Well... I was almost done, but the window was open, and everything blew out of order, so I couldn't finish."

The queen raised an eyebrow.  "I'm getting a little bit tired of these weak excuses, Y/N.  You know the kingdom depends on you."

Y/N sighed.  "I know, mom.  Please don't give me the speech again."

Melody's expression softened.  "I know this is hard on you.  Your father and I aren't as young as we used to be, and more of the responsibility is passing on to you.  But it won't always be like this, dear.  Once you get married, you can share the burden-"

Y/N cut her off with a bitter laugh.  "Because that's all I'm good for, isn't it?  To be married off to a stranger for the sake of the kingdom?"

The instant she said it, she regretted it.  It was unfair and she knew it.  Her parents, strict though they may be, would never force her to marry against her will.  She'd heard the fairy-tale story of how they met and fell in love too many times to accuse her parents of being uncaring now.

"Sorry, Mom," she mumbled, abashed.  "I didn't mean that."

"Just get dressed before the luncheon," Melody said with a queenly poker face.

Right.  The luncheon, dreamed up so I could meet and reject yet another potential husband, Y/N thought as she stormed back up the stairs to her rooms, which were by themselves the size of the average house in the village.

Still grumbling under her breath, Y/N thumbed through her possible outfits.  She was wearing a simple matching blouse and skirt, which was apparently not extravagant enough for a formal luncheon.

Her fingers brushed against a dainty dress, all sparkles and ruffles.  It was blue, which had been her favorite color as long as she could remember.  She quickly discarded her outfit and kicked it under the bed, and wriggled into the blue dress.

"Hair, hair," she muttered, pausing at a mirror.  "Hair.  Obey me."

Upon the force of her princessly glare, her hair obediently deflated from a frizzy mess to elegantly cascading curls.

Y/N resisted the urge to jump on the banister again, knowing her delicate dress might not be able to withstand the slide as well as her cotton skirt.  Instead she floated down the stairs as a princess should, calling upon all the years of training to avoid taking a disastrous tumble in her outrageously high heels.

As was usually the case with the suitors her parents shoved at her, she hadn't even met the man she might marry until she sat down at the lunch table.  The black-haired man sitting across from her was handsome enough, well-groomed, and roughly her age, unlike the middle-aged oaf her parents had halfheartedly foisted on her a month prior.  He wore a wine-red vest with too much embroidery and an ostentatious earring.

In keeping with the kingdom's traditions, Y/N and her mystery guest didn't touch their food until the king sat down to the table.  Y/N's father, King Soos, was fit and trim, with a magnificent beard and regal bearing.

"Y/N, I'm so pleased you could join us," Soos said in his detached 'king voice' that was so different from his 'dad voice.'  "I'd like to introduce you to Lord Theodore van Winslow III, son of the Duke of blah blah blah..."

Her father's voice dwindled to background noise as Y/N nodded and smiled vacantly at her guest, then fixed her attention on the food.  An entire roast duck was being carved in the center of the table, and Y/N eagerly helped herself to several slices.

"That's quite a... healthy portion you have there," Theodore said before taking even more food than she had.  Y/N gave him an insincere grin, maintaining her air of grace and dignity while internally beating him to death with his own limbs.  Holding eye contact, she slowly added another slice of duck to her plate.

Soos cleared his throat, raising his goblet to make a toast.  "To new experiences," he said grandly.  "And new acquaintances that might lead to something more."

Thanks, dad, that wasn't on the nose at all, Y/N thought caustically before taking a hasty sip of her drink.  Theodore drained nearly his entire glass in one gulp.

Y/N internally sighed.  Might as well make a token effort.

"So, Theodore," she forced herself to say.  "What are your hobbies?"

She immediately regretted asking, as Theodore proceeded to waste the next half hour of Y/N's life by expounding endlessly on his many accomplishments.  By the time he'd given her a blow-for-blow replay of his latest victory in a fencing tournament, it was taking all of Y/N's self-control and princess training to keep from pounding her head against the table until the bliss of unconsciousness freed her from this excruciating one-sided conversation.

Soos was pointedly ignoring the subtle looks Y/N was shooting him that said death would be a mercy, so Y/N took it upon herself to cut the luncheon short.

"I- hey, Theodore- hey- listen, I- HEY!" Her attempts to get a word in edgewise were drowned out by his incessant droning.

Time for drastic measures.  Y/N reached for her cup, 'accidentally' knocking it directly onto Soos' lap.  He sprang to his feet with a shout.

"Oh, Papa, I'm so sorry!" she exclaimed, leaping up to assist him.  Theodore did his best to keep talking over them, but Y/N had finally had enough.

"My lord, I'm dreadfully sorry, but it seems this luncheon must be cut short," she addressed Theodore.  "It was lovely to meet you.  Perhaps we'll speak again some other time."

He attempted to protest, but Y/N shot him a look that brooked no argument.  Theodore swallowed his reply and meekly allowed the servants to lead him out of the room.

As soon as they were alone, Soos shot Y/N a wry glance.  "Don't think I don't know you did that on purpose," he accused gently.

"It's not my fault," she said defensively.  "He was so boring I literally couldn't help myself."

Soos chuckled.  "What are we going to do with you?"

"Not make me get married?" she said hopefully.

He rolled his eyes.  "You'll have to get married someday.  Our efforts to convince you to pick a husband by increasing your workload have clearly backfired, and you've already rejected most of the eligible bachelors we've been able to find for you."

"Wait, that was on purpose?" Y/N spluttered.  "Of all the underhanded tricks!"

Soos sighed.  "Y/N, you know I'll never choose for you.  But you must get married sooner rather than later.  There's only one option left to us."

"Why am I afraid to ask?"

"We'll throw a grand ball."

"I knew it."

"We'll invite every eligible gentleman in the kingdom," Soos described, his eyes lighting up as he got on board with his own idea.  "Surely there'll be someone you like."

Y/N chuckled.  "Yeah, good luck with that."

Of all the bachelors in all the kingdoms in all the world, there had never been a single one she'd managed to click with.

At this point, she doubted she ever would.

-----------------------

"When are you putting yourself in the story?  I assume you will."

"Soon, dear.  You don't have to wait long."

"I'm positively holding my breath."

(A/N: Sometimes I have a solid outline in mind for a chapter, and sometimes I let my brain do what it wants.  This is one of those times.

I picture Rev!Melody to be a bit of a shrew, but still have a good heart underneath.  Regular Soos is canonically unable to grow facial hair, so I gave Rev!Soos a full beard. :3

You've got one day left to weigh in on my choose-your-own-adventure!  I assume the comments will pick up once the story really gets started, but I'm excited for this!)