tyler's POV

to be honest, i never thought my life would be something special. no, not really. special in an oddly sad way, maybe. there wasn't a peculiar thing i was good in, i didn't have a dream, nor did i have future plans. hell, i only focused on surviving, every day. and while i was living my miserable, stupid life, somebody just thought they could force himself into it. and i let him. mostly because i felt like i needed that, a person who cared enough to come into my life and stay, even if that person would end up ruining my life.

and that someone, his name was josh. is josh. his name is josh. josh, god, he was something, wasn't he? he just did stupid things without any explanation, he just was a whirlwind who ruined everything in their path and destroyed everything and barely noticing it.

most importantly, he ruined my life. he destroyed me and i was just stupid enough to just let him do that. and i was especially stupid enough to fall in love with a person so quickly, so easily. but hey, that's my fault, not josh's.

now, i shouldn't be talking about him like he is the worst person i know, i loved him after all, in some fucked-up way, but if he wouldn't be so stupidly messy with his destructing personality, he would've been able to live a happy life, maybe even with me. but that wasn't what josh was, and never would be. because even though josh was a complete asshole, he was sad. and maybe he was such a beautiful destruction because of all the things that made him sad, or maybe he was just because he was.

either way, i loved him. i still do.

anyways, this is the story about how josh and i met.

it all started that stupid day, that wednesday in june, when i tried to 'get my shit together' and go to the school that basically ruined my life. even though people always said school was good for your future and education, to me, it was quite something else. yeah, something else. i think that's the best way to put it.

life was still a kind of mystery to me. i still didn't know what the hell was going on, and to me, it was mortifying. i didn't know what my purpose was, and it was all just a big weight on my shoulders to me. like life itself was my life problem. a million pounds weighting backpack i needed to carry around, suffocating me and tiring me, and i try to crawl my way through whatever my life had planned for me. and i'm probably not even making sense right now.

my head was pounding, and i was overthinking, and worst of all, i was anxious. because walking into the school wasn't just 'education'. it was also walking into a huge battlefield. i felt judging looks burning in my back, coming from everywhere.

you know, the thing about school, was that it (the battlefield that's school was) all was strategic, but messy at the same time. and it just appeared to be, that if you didn't have a team, you were fucked.

but, in the end, all people are alone. they pretend they aren't and that they are in a group, or something like that, while they would even - if i may overreact in the sake of the metaphor - kill each other if it meant saving themselves.

still, they appear to be stronger than the persons who do not pretend that they're in a team. and seeing those disgusted looks and giggles and pointing fingers, made me sick to my stomach, dizzy, and also fucking terrified at the same time.

and that's the exact reason why i turned on my heel, and walked away.

i was still feeling nervous and anxious, these people are more capable of things than you think. and thinking about that, gave me the urge to throw up. and when i get the urge of throwing up because of something bad, it's mostly because i'm going to have a panic attack.

"decided not to go after all? i don't blame you," a guy said, he had blue hair, dark eyes and a mischievous smirk on his face. he was attractive, and he knew that. i knew that he knew that, because he looked so full of himself, he made me want to throw up for him. the basic asshole.

but i had never seen an asshole with blue-dyed hair before, though, so you couldn't blame me for looking at him longer than i intended to.

he placed the cigarette he was holding between his three fingers between his lips again and raised his eyebrows, as if he expected me to answer.

i huffed and continued walking away. i felt like i was in a rush, because of the nerves and i was shaking and trying to breathe and trying not to throw up, which is much harder than you think.

i'm not going to lie, but i really was scared to go to school. and i think i might be good at hiding it, but that doesn't mean i'm suffering any less.

i basically tried to just get away and i didn't actually have a destination or a direction to walk into, so i just kept walking straight ahead and when i got the chance, i entered a random drugstore, as if i wanted to hide from people from the school. maybe i was, but it wasn't like i was ever going to admit.

i more or less ran into the small store and breathed heavily, before standing behind a rack to give myself the feeling that i was safe, since i was still in the remote of the school, and i felt chased. i always did when i was around that place. i closed my eyes and kept my head down.

i finally managed to control my breathing and looked up, just to see a red-haired man stand next to me.

"hello, can i help you?" he asked cheerfully, too cheerful for in the morning, in my opinion. his smile revealed his small teeth while he talked. i shook my head.

"no, i'm fine."

i just stared blankly at the racks, my brain not even progressing what was in the racks. my head was pounding, and i didn't want to be here at all, but going home wasn't an option either, since i promised my parents to go to school today.

suddenly, i felt someone tap my shoulder. i turned around and it was the guy from before. he was pretty close to me and had an almost teasing grin on his face. if i looked closely, i saw the tiny freckles splattered on his face like little paint specks.

"hey, could you eh, step aside for a sec?" he gestured to the racks behind me. i blinked slowly and nodded before stepping aside. i don't know what happened, but i was confused and slightly anxious. he made me anxious, with his almost too confident attitude and a posture of a guy who would be considered 'hot'. and the worst part was, that he knew he was hot and that made him act like a basic fuckboy from some high school movie.

and to be honest, i have never been a fan of those guys. they made me feel self conscious, anxious and nervous, because you never know what goes on in their fucked-up minds. and i looked like a thin rat next to them.

he grabbed a pack of camel cigarettes and held it up with a smile. "thank you," he said smoothly, and turned on his heel to walk towards the counter.

i nodded and kept my head down shyly. he seemed like one of those bullies at school, or at least, someone who would be associated with hem. still, curiosity took me over and made me walk after him.

i don't know why i did what i did, but there was just something about him what made me want to go after him. maybe it was the fact that he talked to me, even though they were just a few sentences.

maybe it was how his smile made his eyes crinkle. he has tiny freckles and his eyes are brown. a super warm kind of warm. like coffee. or mocha. or chocolate. or something in between. his lips are a dark shade of pink and were plump. i usually never analysed people like that, but there was just something about him that made me want to.

it was really fucking weird, and it was dumb, but my stupid ass kept following him until we were outside.

"hey, why are you following me?" he laughed suddenly. he looked at me with a grin. i blushed and turned away.

"no, i wasn't."

"yes you were," he teased with a smirk on his face now, and it made me angry how good a guy good look like that and he made me want to punch him.

"well, why did you talk to me and followed me shortly after that?" i shot back. he furrowed his brows, but then smiled again.

"i don't know," he said then and shrugged, "i just wanted cigarettes."

"that doesn't explain why you talked to me."

"geez, stop being so annoying. can't people talk to pretty boys these days?" he groaned and rolled his eyes, while i tried to progress he just said that.

'can't people talk to pretty guys these days' meant that he couldn't talk to a pretty guy without being bothered, and the only guy he could refer to would be me. and i'm sure as hell that i'm not pretty.

still, i blushed at his words, and he saw that, and he fucking smirked, and i wanted to punch him again, because god, i did not want him to know that he could flatter me with his words.

"why'd you go here? i think we need to go to school," he spoke up again. "not that i never skip class, but you just don't seem like a person who would, to be honest," he added quickly with an airy chuckle.

"what can i say? i'm full of surprises," i said, and i wondered why on earth i was still talking to this guy, but on the other hand, i was smiling like an idiot, and so was he, so i guess i thought it was okay.

"what's your name?" he asked then, and i answered with a smile, a genuine smile, not like when you smile automatically when you see someone else smile at you.

"tyler is a pretty name. it suits you," he commented, and ran a hand through his hair. and i just stood there, and looked at the ground with a blush creeping up my face.

"where are you looking at? you're ashamed to blush? come on, everybody would blush when they would be complimented by me, it's not such a big deal."

and there's the fuckboy-side of him.

"shut up, dude. i'm not flattered at all."

but i was lying, and i wondered why on earth i was flattered by him, a guy, a male.

i wasn't gay, i never was, never had the feeling i was. insulted with the words 'faggot' and 'gay', that was something else. those words were given to me as permanent nicknames, since... the thing, and everybody at school would call me those words. at first i thought it didn't matter to me. i knew i wasn't gay. but they thought something else, and somehow, their opinion was what kept me up at night. what made me sick. what destroyed me.

but this guy, josh, why was he being so flirtatious? i didn't think he would be gay at all, he looked straight as hell, a typical fuckboy who maybe even would call people gay as an insult.

but, the world is full of surprises. and it sure as hell isn't a surprise that i was naive as fuck.

and he didn't comment on what i said at all, he just continued talking. "my name is josh dun, by the way. i'm seventeen years old and i don't know what else to say about myself. there's not really much to say, other from that, but now you know who i am."

"okay, um, thanks?" i just said with an uncertain tone. i didn't know what to answer on that and i still didn't know why i was talking to him. i still didn't know why he was talking to me. he could've just wanted to flirt, or something, because he would have found some sort of joy in that, but i couldn't see that.

suddenly, he wrapped an arm around me, and i was shocked, because his broad shoulder was touching mine and i felt like i couldn't breathe. how could he just do that while we just met? and i didn't even know the guy. well, he introduced himself to me, but that doesn't mean shit. but, because i was so stupid and young, i just went with it. simply because i didn't know what else to do.

he started walking, pulling me with him. and he didn't just walk somewhere random, no, he went into the direction of the fucking school and i wanted to fucking die.

"so, tyler, tell me more about yourself."

and for some reason, as if i already knew what would happen, and as if i already knew how fucked my life would be because of him, i regretted going with him in an instant. not that it wasn't too late, or anything.

{A/N reading the old version made me cringe so bad omg but hey i'm back? this still sucks, but it's way better than the old version, that's for sure.}