15 years old
Novem

The months after Carson left me in the dirt for the woman whose skin was as dark as the night, strolled by.

Another birthday had come and gone and still nothing but everything had changed. The twins were 1 and had been walking for quite some months now. Jana was 4 and Caillum was 8. His birthday had been just last week and a celebration had been thrown for him.

I had seen Carson there but I had pretended I hadn't even though my eyes had been stuck to their glowing skin. He had brought her. She had clung to his arm as he had pranced her around the room. Proud of his female.

He was an important male now. He had proven his worth not only physically but mentally as well. He was a smart, strong male and the woman on his arm had to be a match. The way she carried herself told me that she was. There was an air of grace and strength that surged off of her.

I had been temped to melt into the background, fade into the brick walls that I had become so familiar with. I didn't. I gritted my teeth and pretended the sight of his recurring female didn't hurt me, even though it was abundantly clear that it did.

I don't know why he purposely hurt me like this but since I was his dirty secret no one called him out on his filth. Even if they knew, he was well within his rights and me? Well I was just his dutiful mate, the one he would come back to when I was grown.

I resented the bond as much as I craved the feeling it gave me. Even in its incompleteness it made me feel more complete than I had in a while.

But loneliness still won out. There was a black cloak around my shoulders these days. One that I intentionally wore and embraced, me and my friend were at one now. She helped me rise every morning and in return she wrapped her arms around my heart so all I could really feel was her.

In this isolation of my own choice I felt at home.

Hope rarely ever came to me these days that emotion had been buried deep into the crevices of my psyche, never to be seen or heard from.

The only time the emotion fought within me was when I would catch a glimpse of Carson staring at me. His light grey eyes staring into my soul always caused my hope to rise from its slumber. But then he would ruin it, he always ruined it. With her.

She followed him around like a lost puppy but she wasn't lost because her presence was actually wanted, needed. Unlike mine. He liked the dark of her skin, her almond shaped eyes, her full, black, coiled hair.

We were the opposite and I hated that nature did not make me more like her. So I went against natures will, the first time I had ever ignored the laws of nature.

"Vanya, come out from the sun" shouted Neema. I met her panic struck face with defiance as she took in the sight of my burning pink skin.

The weather was becoming unbearably hot. In the height of Novem, Summier was here. Sweltering burning heat that served my agenda. I had been sunbathing for the past few days and I would not be deterred. My body was bared to the glorious sun in nothing but my underwear.

The only thing I loved about myself was my body, it had grown and though I was tall for my age I was still curvaceous. My hips were rounding and my breasts were swelling, growing in size. My bum was pert and full but my waist was still small-ish. Though my stomach was not completely flat I didn't mind because with its growth came my womanly figure.

I even caught men looking.

"Look what you've done" she cried physical tears as she screamed in the pain that I had stopped feeling. Her hands shook as she reached out to touch me before snatching her fingers back before her tips could meet my skin.

Her hand covered her mouth, but the sound of her distress still carried through. Her noise caused people to turn and look at me, I could feel their horror stricken eyes. It made me feel self conscious. I wrapped my arms around me to cover what parts of my skin were on display from their peering eyes.

"Get inside now" the fire was back in her voice as she composed herself.

There was strength in her form as she charged in front of me, slamming open the doors. Her hand gripped mine tightly as she dragged me down the corridor, my head bowed low in shame. I had never made her angry, never me.

She threw open her bathroom door and forced me to look in the mirror, to look at myself. When I refused to look she gripped my chin in a harsh hold and forced me to see.

What a sight I made.

My transformation wasn't complete, I still had some way to go but she didn't know that. She couldn't see the vision of me I had in my head. She only saw this.

My hair was an impossibly dark black, darker than Carson's female's hair. The ebony tresses made my blue eyes look freakishly pale, they almost appeared white.

My hair was permed into these tight little itty bitty coils that shrunk my waist length hair to around my ears. Chemicals were my friend in my new look but they were not what caused Neema to stare at me in horror.

What caused her distress and now anger was the sight of my once pale skin turning an unattractive pinkish red. The sun seemed to hate me but I could see the potential. There was a slight golden glow to my burning.

The marks of the sun were not so bad. Though the sun did not love my skin like the pale moonlight did, it still looked better. I was darker. I could almost imagine it, my skin would be brown.

"Look what you've done" she spat her fingers digging into my sore skin as she cried her anger.

"You've ruined your skin, Vanya. You're burning," my teeth tutted in annoyance. I wasn't burning I was glowing from the inside out. Could she not see it?

"I'm fine" I murmured my mouth dry and croaky. I looked fine, I know I did.

"No you're not, your skin is red. Your mouth is dry and your ey-" her words blurred out as a deep fog settled over my brain. My hand gripped the sink in front of me as my world tilted.

Spots of light appeared in my vision. Lurching forward I gripped the porcelain sink in my pink and blistering hands. Bile flew from my mouth and down the drain, my throat and stomach rejecting the movements.

The tap gushed on forcing the chunks of my once eaten meal down the pipes. When the sink was back to its boring white and my world was a little steadier, I gathered water in my palm and washed my face. Gathering another scoop-full I rinsed my mouth before gathering another and another and drinking.

But the small scoops of water were not enough for my constricting throat so I shoved my head under the tap and gulped it down. The liquid felt like swallowing nails, it tore through my insides and pierced me alive but I needed it.

It hurt. My back protested at my movement, my body crying as I gripped my throat in pain.

"Vanya" she screamed her voice ringing in my head as I caught a glimpse of her fearful eyes in the mirror. Her eyes lingered on my back in abject horror. Vomit rising through her fingers and splattering on the ceiling- or was that the floor- as she staggered back.

Sharp shivers wracked through my body, causing me to twitch and parts of my skin to feel as if it ripped apart. A thick liquid oozed down my back, clinging to my skin like slime.

My legs shook as a chill ran over my body, but when I reached behind my back to see the liquid- my skin felt like the suns surface. My body screamed at me, it cried, wailed. Threw a tantrum at the mind blowing pain that took over my soul. Gods, nothing had hurt this bad.

My brain felt as if it was dislodged from my skull and the ceiling was getting closer and closer to my face. I could hear Neema's screaming in the background but the sight of her had long become blurry.

The splitting pain in my brain made it impossible to do anything. Breathing hurt and soon even that my body refused to do. Air was rushing into my lungs choppily, my lungs contracting and retracting as fast as they could to get in air.

My world folded over. It spun, rolled and rolled, tumbling me about in its orbit. Twisting, rolling, buzzing. Until even that stopped and all that was left was darkness. Just black.

//--//

I burnt for days, weeks, hours. My body shook as a fire burnt within me, setting alight my organs. Blackness swaddled my sight but I could still hear and feel.

These senses became my enemy. I heard crying, heart breaking crying as Neema sobbed her prayers for me. As Jana questioned why I wouldn't play with her, Caillum tentatively asking if I was dead. Neema crying even harder at his words.

I heard doors slamming, machines beeping, voices humming and more screaming. Words of comfort, regret and guilt whispered in my ears. Thoughts of self loathing spoken out loud to my comatose form. The words disjointed above me until I was snapped awake by the return of that earth shattering pain.

My back throbbed and pulsed in time to the beeping machines. Air wheezing from my constricted chest. My heavy lids flittered, fighting my need to open. My body ignored my demands for an infinite amount of time until finally I could see.

Cool grey was the first thing I saw, sharp cool grey that bore into my withering soul. The beautiful orbs ringed by fiery pink and swollen lids. His full lips parted on a prayer as his lashes dampened with tears. Huge droplets gushing down his face in rivulets.

His hand tentatively reached out to touch me, his soft fingers gliding over my parched lips. Stroking my nose and my raw cheek. My heart soared high and the machine blared loud, disrupting our interlude. He pulled back from me as if the noise had woken him from his stupor and reality came back to him.

He climbed to his feet and headed out of my sight just as the nurse came in followed closely by a frantic Neema. Her beautiful brown eyes were full of tears as she sprinted to my side. Her full soft lips peppering my face with delicate kisses.

"Vanya, oh Vanya my girl" she murmured into my skin. Rubbing her her scent into my cold clinical one. I could smell the drugs on me.

"Van" squeaked Jana her blonde locks whipping around as she flew into the room. Caillum grabbing her around the waist as she tried to climb into the bed.

"Not now, lady bug. Van is sick" his eyes alight with so much knowledge as he softly reprimanded his sister.

"Why's van sick" her scrunched up face brought a smile to my mouth causing my lips to crap in the process.

At the sight Neema cried harder and grabbed a cloth from the nurse dabbing at my mouth.

Grabbing the tub, the nurse had in her hands she applied a thick gel to my lips before pecking them softly. The nurse fiddled with my machine and checked my bandages but I could only focus on my family.

"All better" Neema whispered before grabbing a glass of water with a straw in it and putting it to my mouth. Her hands stroked my matted hair while I slurped down the cool liquid, it didn't burn.

"Mama, why is Van sick?" Repeated Jana her arms thrown to her side in annoyance at being ignored.

Neema's mouth opened and closed as she thought of how to tell Jana that the sun she loved had hurt me, a person she loved. She looked to Khan for support hoping he could help out but he merely strigged his shoulders, jostling the two babies in his arms.

His focus on Roarke as the little man tried to climb from his arms and into my bed. He had missed me and I had missed him, I had missed them all.

"I was stupid" I whispered my voice croaky and rough to my ears.

"No Van" called Neema, her words reassuring and comforting but I needed to speak my truth.

"It's okay, I know I was."

"Why's you shupid?" Her voice alight with curiosity.

"I was stupid because uh-I wanted" my voice cracked with how silly I had been.

How I had allowed my need for this male to turn into self hate. Into self harm. I had harmed myself to be what he wanted and in the process I had erased all that I had left of my parents. How could I give them up for some second rate attention and love.

"I wanted to be like you."

Her little eyes widened as she pointed to her chest in wonder at the fact that I wanted to be like her. I nodded my head slowly in confirmation.

"I wanted to be brown like you, I didn't want to be whit- I didn't want to be me anymore."

Tears trailed down my face as I looked at how ugly my soul was becoming. It was becoming black like mortar. As dark as the skin I had craved to be. As dark as the skin I had burnt my body to a crisp for, just so I could be something I wasn't and never would be.

"I thought that I would be loved more if I wasn't me, that- that he" I spat the word, sick with myself for harming my body for a man!

"Would want me, but I realised that I-" my heart hurt at the pain I had caused myself. When had I become so self destructive and why hadn't I noticed?

"I love me, even if no man ever will. I love my pale skin and I should-shouldn't be ashamed that the sun doesn't love me because the moon does."

My eyes shuttered closed as the hospital door slammed shut. Carson storming from the room with wild eyes and a shaking body. He ran from me. Khan handed the children to Neema and followed his brother out. His hazel eyes meeting mine with the grief of my confession before he softly closed the door behind him.

"I love you Van, but I loved you even morer when we had the same hair." Jana's hand cupping around her mouth as she whispered in my ear. Her words just for me. Her small arms wrapped around my neck as she burrowed her head into my shoulders. Her lips pecking into my skin with a thousand butterfly kisses.

"Never give up who you are for anyone" I murmured into her neck.

Her head bobbed she understood. I knew my words were just adult nonsense to her but I hoped that her subconscious took note.

I hoped that when she became a woman my words would ring in her mind.

That when they did, she would remember to never let the love she held for herself be perverted by her need for the love of a man.