cw: mature content in first half of chapter between [], tw: suicide attempt

"San's gone again," is the first thing Yunho hears when he opens the door later that night. Someone had knocked on his bedroom door earlier, and it turned out to be Mingi, the human holding a pillow close as he peers at Yunho with dark eyes.

Yunho's still reeling from quite a bit of shock -- as he hadn't anticipated seeing the shorter in front of his room of all places. Not wanting to come off bizarre and risk embarrassing himself, Yunho quickly regains his composure and clears his throat. "...Okay. May I ask why you're here tonight? We usually talk on the couch in the living room."

Mingi bites the inside of his cheek, the dim lighting casting shadows on his sharp features. And Yunho doesn't know if he's just imagining it, but the shorter looks a little antsy right then, expression abashed while he tugs at the edges of his pillow.

"Yeah, I know," Mingi says, then swiftly takes a step back. "I guess we can just camp there for the night again."

Before he has the chance to leave, Yunho grabs onto his wrist, trapping him in place.

"No," Yunho says a little too hurried, then clears his throat the second time. "I mean -- it's more than okay if you want to stay here. You can come in."

Yunho is a hundred percent positive that Mingi has seen the interior of this room a ton of times already, yet his body tremours with nerves as Mingi steps in through the doorway, his movements slow and cautious. It's like he anticipates Yunho changing his mind, but Yunho has no intentions of doing so.

The room is mostly bare as he doesn't hold as many material possessions in this world, but the ones he does have hold a special place in his heart, like the purple hoodie currently strewn over the chair at the corner. It's where Yunho sits when completing his coursework, and when Mingi lingers next to the fabric, his hands absentmindedly running over the sleeve, a cozy warmth envelopes Yunho's chest.

Mingi catches his stare, and instantly his hands drop. "Sorry."

"No worries," Yunho says with a smile. He walks to his bed, the small lamp at the side casting a pale yellow glow over the rustled sheets. All too conscious of Mingi's stares, he straightens out the blanket and pushes his pillow against the bed frame. "I apologize, I'm kind of a messy sleeper."

He moves a lot when he sleeps, and while that isn't a bad thing since he's almost always by himself when he does that, right now he can't afford to come off sloppy in front of the person he likes so much.

"I don't mind," Mingi shrugs. "I make a mess too when I sleep alone."

Yunho pats his thighs, at a loss for words this very moment. It doesn't help that Mingi is silent as well, gaze lowered while his dark hair falls over his eyes.

"Do you...want to sit?" Yunho asks, but then wants to smack himself because -- what kind of question is that? Isn't that why Mingi came here in the first place?

Mingi wordlessly nods, pillow squeezed in his arms like a lifeline as he slinks over to the bed. Once he does, he takes a seat, posture rigid and unsure. His closeness has Yunho remember yesterday afternoon when he and Mingi had embraced at that playground, the latter kissing him so hard that it had Yunho's entire reality flipping on its axis.

Everything he'd been taught on how chaste and modest kisses were supposed to feel was ripped and stamped upon the second Mingi held him like that for the first time. And while Yunho should've hated it, he doesn't. In fact, he just wants more of it.

"Sorry for barging in this late at night," Mingi tells him the moment he lies on the bed, head pressed against his pillow. His hair spills over it like ink, and his eyes sparkle with warmth when he looks at Yunho.

"It's okay, Mingi," Yunho says. He rests on the bed as well, legs touching the shorter's when he adjusts his position to lie sideways. "You're welcome here anytime."

Mingi exhales a breath. "You won't be here forever."

The warmth in Yunho's chest fades, leaving behind a stab of guilt. Guilt at the fact that eventually, he will have to return back to his kingdom even when he's less and less enthused to go back.

Despite this, he pushes on a soft smile to reassure Mingi. To reassure himself. "I know, but... you have me now, don't you?"

Mingi's gaze traces all over Yunho's features, so alluring and intense that it sends heat creeping up his neck. It's when Yunho keeps watching that he notices the remorse underlining the shorter's expression.

"I know I've already apologized," Mingi starts, before shifting his gaze to the ceiling, "but I really mean it when I say that I'm truly sorry for treating you like shit for most of your time here."

Yunho definitely doesn't anticipate Mingi saying this, his stomach doing a little flip. "Mingi, it's okay -- "

"It's not," Mingi interrupts, tone harsh. He quickly clears his throat. "I didn't mean to raise my voice at you; I just don't want you brushing this aside like you did the other times I'd been a dick to you. I -- I had problems of my own and projected them onto you because you seemed like you had your shit together."

"I don't have my shit together," Yunho says, wishing the shorter would look at him again. Wishing the shorter would stop being so hard on himself. "I moved here because my kingdom was in distress, and still is."

"I know, and -- and that's what's so fucked up," Mingi mutters, stroking his hair over and over. "You were forced into a new world while trying to navigate a new life, but all I saw was someone who had it all and needed to leave. All I saw was someone who managed to fit in better than I ever could."

Yunho reaches for Mingi's hand, his heart dropping at how much it's trembling. "Mingi..."

"You got so liked at school and you still are and -- god it's so stupid -- I guess I despised that. I saw how good you were at everything, how you belonged even when you aren't even human, and it made me extremely bitter and angry that you could pass so well while I couldn't. T-That you could be yourself, while everytime I tried to be I got shunned and ostracized for it." By the time Mingi's done, his eyes are glistening with tears that threaten to fall.

Yunho's heart aches at the sight as he grips the shorter's hand. "I'm so sorry I made you feel that way."

"It's not your fault," Mingi whispers, using his free hand to wipe away his tears. "You were right at that party. I was envious of you even though you were always nice to me. And now, here I am, making my problems yours as always."

Mingi sniffs, and Yunho can't take it anymore. He shifts closer and wraps his arms around the shorter, slow and gentle. He pulls him in and rests his head against his chest, caressing the back of his hair in the process. "You're not making your problems mine. And even if you are, I'll always be there to listen. I'll always be there for you, Mingi."

Mingi's arms find their way over his back as he quietly cries into his chest, his body shaking like a leaf.

"I'm sorry," Mingi apologizes once more, and Yunho holds him tighter, wetness springing to his own eyes this time around. "And fuck, now I'm messing up your shirt with my tears."

"It's alright," Yunho answers, because he really means it. "I don't mind."

"Do you -- " Mingi inhales a sharp breath, and Yunho just wants him to be okay. "Do you want to know why I got so jealous of you?"

"You don't need to tell me anything," Yunho pleads, fearful for the shorter's well-being.

"I want to," Mingi sniffs, before exhaling deeply. "Cause I figured that...at least if you hate me now, it'd hurt less when you eventually have to go."

Yunho's heart feels as though it's been stabbed by an icy dagger. "I could never hate you."

Mingi squeezes the material of Yunho's shirt. "You -- you could pass as a guy without anyone questioning that. That was why I got so jealous."

Yunho doesn't understand, and when he looks down, Mingi isn't looking at him either. "...I don't get it."

"W-When I was born," Mingi starts, clutching Yunho's shirt like a lifeline. "I wasn't male."

Yunho gets confused, because here Mingi is, looking just like him; just like San and the other boys at their school. "But...you are male."

"Yeah I am now," Mingi rubs his nose. "And I always was, but I didn't just look like one in the past. And -- and I hated it. I hated how I'd look in the mirror and despise what I saw. I hated having long hair and wearing dresses and playing with dolls -- even though not every little girl's interested in that stuff. I especially hated it when people would refer to me as 'she', or 'her', because it meant they didn't see me for who I really was. Who I really am."

As Yunho absorbs all of this, he hugs Mingi tighter, keeping his arms secure around him so the shorter knows that he's there. That he isn't planning on letting go any time soon. "It's horrible that you had to go through that. But...does it help that I think you're one of the coolest guys I've ever met? Maybe even the coolest guy?"

"I'm not cool."

"You are, though," Yunho argues, poking the Mingi's cheek. "You're very cool."

Mingi reaches to possibly smack his hand off, but then he changes his mind at the last second and just grasps it, intertwining their fingers. It sends fireworks going off in Yunho's stomach.

"Not a lot of people think that," Yunho hears Mingi say. "My parents didn't, for one. They didn't like that I preferred more masculine presenting clothes, didn't like that I cut my hair short that one time in fifth grade that got me grounded for two weeks. My other relatives didn't like it either, except for my aunt. She was the only one who wanted to take me in when my parents died, and she didn't care when I told her I'm trans. San doesn't either."

"Trans...?" Yunho's brows furrow in confusion.

"It stands for 'transgender'. That's what you call people who don't relate to the gender they were born with, and want to change it to fit who they are," Mingi explains, voice low and hesitant. "People like me."

"So...you transform into the gender you were always meant to be? Kinda like Spiderman?" Yunho says, and feels like he's done something right when Mingi chuckles through his tears.

"Oh my god, Yunho," Mingi huffs.

"What? Did I say something wrong?"

"I was trying to get all sentimental here and now all I can think about is you in a Spiderman costume," Mingi snickers, his shoulders shaking not due to crying this time around, but happiness.

"I think I would look good in it."

"No you wouldn't." Mingi's smiling a little now, a dimple dotting his cheek. He looks so pretty, so lovely that Yunho just has to say it out loud.

"You're beautiful," he confesses, hand gently stroking the expanse of Mingi's back. His grin broadens when the shorter promptly ducks his head right then, as if he's trying to hide his face from him.

"Shut up," Mingi groans, burying his face within the sheets.

"You're really beautiful," Yunho repeats, half because he means it and half because seeing the human all nervous and shy because of him is much more entertaining than he'd expected.

"My face is literally puffy and my nose feels gross 'cause of all the crying I just did," Mingi contends. "Beautiful is basically the last thing I am right now."

"It doesn't matter to me." Yunho leans in and cups Mingi's face, the shorter speechless when he runs his thumb across his cheek. "You're still stunning regardless."

The lamp's light shimmers over Mingi's features and exposes the redness in his ears.

"I like you a lot, Mingi," Yunho adds, "even if it may be foolish to admit this because I won't stay here forever. But I have never meant anything more in my life -- "

Mingi kisses him, and just like always Yunho melts eagerly into it, into him. Mingi's lips are cotton soft, his body even more so when he falls into the bed and lets Yunho climb on top of him. Lips still entangled, Mingi splays his hands all over his abdomen, chills of pleasure rolling down Yunho's back at the contact.

"Can...can I take off your shirt?" Mingi asks. Yunho doesn't hesitate to nod, even though it'd be the first time he's ever gone shirtless in front of someone that isn't a royal servant.

The night air is cool on his skin, eliciting goosebumps across his arms and back when Mingi pulls off his shirt and discards it on the bed.

"Sit," Mingi commands, which Yunho enthusiastically does, his long legs soon dangling off the bed.

Yunho's groan is muffled in his throat when Mingi sits on his lap, heat immediately pooling at his middle. It's quite embarrassing -- very embarrassing, even, but Mingi doesn't seem to mind as he presses their chests together. His arms drape over Yunho's shoulders as he connects their lips again, hard and fuelled with passion.

Yunho can barely breathe when Mingi does that motion, that slow grind that intensifies that heat between his legs, on and on until Yunho's vision fizzles at the corners, body enraptured in pure bliss.

Mingi then kisses down his neck and over his collarbones, steady and sensual. His tongue is hot against the surface of Yunho's skin, and his toes curl as he throws his head back, loving every single second of this.

["Can I...touch you?" Yunho breathes. Once he feels Mingi nod against the curve of his shoulder, he slips his hands under the shorter's shirt, up until he gets to his chest.

Mingi's deep moans are like an aphrodisiac, drowning Yunho in unimaginable ecstasy when he rubs over his nipples right then.

"Fuck," Mingi swears against Yunho's ear lobe. "That feels -- that feels so good, Yunho. Keep doing it."

Yunho listens, cupping and squeezing and massaging Mingi's chest right then while Mingi sucks under his jaw bone, teeth hard against his flesh.

Mingi grounds his hips on his crotch again, and Yunho stiffens even more, the friction causing his eyes to water.

Yunho nearly cries out when Mingi pushes him on the bed and crawls over him, lips hot and tender as they trail down his stomach. He's all tense, shivers cascading down his body while Mingi's hand tug at the drawstrings of his sweatpants.

"Do you...want me to go further?" Mingi asks, eyes hooded and darkened with longing.

Yunho nods, his limbs like jelly. "Okay."

He pants when Mingi dips his hand into his pants, past his boxers and then he's gripping him, his touch exceedingly warm and amazing. His hips instinctively buckle as Mingi continues to stroke him, and then the shorter leans in and kisses him, tongue slowly slithering into his mouth.

And, it's all too much yet Yunho craves more of it at the same time. He ruts into Mingi's palm as the shorter's lips keep moving eagerly against his, and then he's shuddering and arching into Mingi, pure, unbridled euphoria clouding his senses.

"M'gonna suck you off," Mingi breathes, all rushed like he can barely restrain himself. "Is that okay?"

Mind racing, Yunho enthusiastically nods. His thighs clench and he shivers, a massive wreck underneath Mingi just as the younger's head dips between his legs.

Mingi tugs his trousers and boxers loose, and Yunho's length immediately springs free, nearly hitting Mingi in the face.

"S-Sorry," Yunho squeaks, wanting to vanish into thin air.

But Mingi just shakes his head, his fingers already massaging him. "No, it's okay."

"Mingi -- " Yunho can't help the deep moan that escapes him just as Mingi's warm mouth slowly swallows his length. It's hot and strange and insane, but Yunho doesn't think he's going to forget this exact moment for as long as he lives. "Fuck."

Mingi's tongue is all over him, licking up and down his member in slow, hypnotic motions, and Yunho's face becomes a downright sauna when his eyes creak open and sees the shorter peering at him through dark lashes as he kisses his stiff, dripping shaft.

"Want you to come for me again, Yunho," Mingi whispers, voice husky with want. "Can you do that?"

Yunho can barely form any coherent words so he just settles on quick nods, breaths shallow. He groans when Mingi hastens his strokes, and he swears he sees the younger smiling a little.

Yunho struggles to keep his voice down when Mingi proceeds to put his mouth on him again, something in him making him grip the other's hair in the process. But it seems Mingi likes it, because he just sucks him harder.

It's all too much before long. Yunho sinks further into the bed, lost in his pleasure as Mingi continues to work him up. And then Mingi's on top of him again, an arm pinning him down and the other still jerking him off.

Mingi's lips are hot and heavy against Yunho's, swallowing down the strangled whimper he lets out as he climaxes into Mingi's palm.

"Fuck, Yunho," Mingi exhales into Yunho's shoulder when he collapses against him, fingers still rubbing over his sensitive spot even when he isn't exactly dry down there now. "You liked that, huh?"

Yunho nods, still finding it hard to breathe as Mingi eventually pulls off his hand. His hair is all matted and sticking to his sweaty skin, but Mingi's hair somehow looks way worse.

"Can I -- " Yunho hesitates, gulping, "can I do the same to you?"

Mingi's breath hitches as he stiffens, and Yunho's about to take it back when the shorter nods over his shoulder. "I'm not...getting naked though. Just hold my hand. I'll guide you."

Yunho does this, his heart rattling within his ribs when Mingi slowly guides it into his trousers and oh.

It's wet down there, and so warm, the kind of warm that has intense shivers raking down Yunho's spine at the sensation.

Mingi grunts, these short huffs that immediately get Yunho hardening again down there.

Yunho acts on pure instinct. He replays what Mingi had done on his head, and slips his fingers into the shorter, gently rubbing what he feels as he does so. Mingi sinks into his shoulder and grinds once more, thighs straddling his crotch. His soft moans drown Yunho in indescribable pleasure as more of that wetness dribbles down his fingers.

Yunho continues to finger him relentlessly, loving every single second of this. Butterflies flutter in his stomach when Mingi holds his face and kisses him right then, messy and deep and all tongue.

Before long his senses are overwhelmed once again, on cloud nine, and then he's spasming as he releases, Mingi gripping him tightly and moaning into his mouth, a similar look of ecstasy on his features. The crescent on his wrist glows faintly in the dark.]

"You're so fucking beautiful," Mingi whispers between kisses, and it sends Yunho's heart racing.

For many seconds, there's nothing but their haggard breaths and sweaty bodies, but then Yunho chuckles, which has Mingi raising his eyebrows.

"What?"

Yunho shakes his head, and just pulls Mingi close. "Nothing. I just... I like you so much."

"I like you too. So much," Mingi replies as he sinks into his touch, and Yunho knows he won't trade this for the world.

• • •

Yunho's more than excited when the school's team scores again at the basketball game that Thursday night, nearly leaping off his place on the bleachers.

His sudden movements startle San who's on his side, the male quietly nibbling on some caramel popcorn and looking quite out of place with the chaotic atmosphere.

"Sorry," Yunho apologizes, which San shakes his head at.

"Nah, it's okay. You've got some school spirit, and it's cute," San eats more popcorn. The bright amber indoor lights of the gymnasium make his oversized red hoodie pop even more, which matches the faint rosy tint on his cheeks. They've gotten more frequent with winter gradually approaching.

"I don't," Mingi mumbles from Yunho's other side, all swaddled in black and looking bored out of his mind.

"So why are you here?" San asks.

"Yunho wanted me -- wanted us to be there," Mingi reponds. The vibrant orange sign he's holding that reads 'Go Fiery Lions!' can't be any more different from his expression.

"Hm, okay," San hums, sipping his drink, and Yunho knows he picked up on Mingi's slip of the tongue. After what happened between them on Sunday, Mingi had made it a little more obvious that they'd gotten intimate. He'd blush whenever Yunho so much as looked at him, lingered by his side more times than he could count, and when San asked him about anything that concerned Yunho, his response would immediately raise suspicion.

And Yunho finds it amusing since Mingi's the one who wants to keep them 'low-key' in the first place. He won't ever let Mingi know this though, before he risks getting punched hard in the stomach.

"What do you mean by that?" Mingi asks San, eyes narrowed.

Yunho leans in and lets their fingers brush under the shield their coats offer. Mingi's frown instantly loosens, eyes never leaving his until the crowd cheers once more.

Yunho turns to watch just as Jongho dribbles around the ball, his movements fast and precise as he dodges past the players from the opposing team. Then, Jongho passes the ball to another teammate when he's cornered, which prevents him from winning a shot.

"Come on, come on," Yunho mumbles to himself as he replays his countless matches with Jongho and tries to predict what the boy will do next. He also remembers Jongho texting him this morning about how his parents were going to be there tonight, and how he wanted to prove himself to them by getting the winning shot.

Jongho fortunately gets the ball again, his white and yellow uniform sticking to him like second skin as he runs across the court. People are shouting, screaming his name, and Yunho can't imagine the constant pressure of having others expecting you to be good all the time.

Jongho promptly scores, and Yunho beams. His grin widens when Jongho's eyes meet his from the court, and although the younger's smile is subdued, it's absolutely real.

"I can't believe Yunho's cheesing so hard over Jongho right now," San comments.

Mingi shoots him a glare that blazes with jealousy. "No he isn't."

Yunho is unpeturbed when San and Mingi continue to bicker, eyes surveying the large crowd for a certain set of people. After seeing them on Jongho's phone a few times, he quickly notices the grim-faced duo on the other side, the man and woman unresponsive whilst the game goes on.

When the opposing team scores, Jongho glances at them, wiping his brow while Coach Lee talks to the team. His anxiety rolls off of him in waves, more noticeable now that Yunho is playing rapt attention to him.

Jongho is back in the game in no time, swift with his movements like he was simply made to play this sport. The exhilaration in the air is ramped up, nearly everyone on the edge of their seats.

Yunho's heart comes to a stand-still when the man dressed in a suit (Jongho's dad) whispers something to his wife before disappearing within the crowd. Jongho's mum then pulls out her purse, bringing out her phone to call someone.

Judging by the way Jongho's dribbling gets a little lackluster, he's noticed this too. He slows, then shoots at the net, only for the ball to bounce off the rim.

Immediately the opposing players are on the ball, screams of disappointment and discontentment echoing through the atmosphere. But Jongho looks the most disappointed in himself, leaving the court right then. He must've said something to Coach Lee, because the man just lets him go.

Yunho is instantly on high alert, all sorts of worried.

"Yunho? Is everything okay?" Mingi asks, hand grasping his arm.

"I need to go to the bathroom," Yunho replies.

San's face is shadowed with concern, but doesn't question him. "Okay."

Mingi looks unconvinced, however.

"I'll be back soon," Yunho says to placate him, which seems to work because he nods, gaze trailing back to the game.

Yunho heads out of the gymnasium doors in no time, the cheers and screams growing faint the more distance he covers. The halls are creeping with shadows, eerily quiet.

Jongho, where are you? Yunho's mind is frazzled as he keeps running. He knows he's being overdramatic, but there was something off about the way Jongho reacted when his dad left and when he missed the goal.

Yunho's hands tremble as he pulls out his phone, hurriedly dialing Jongho's number. He continues to call, because even when it goes unanswered, it's still ringing, which means Jongho is out here somewhere.

Yunho calls once more when he heads up some stairs, and feels his pulse race when he hears a ringtone. Jongho's ringtone.

In an instant, he starts to sprint upwards, zooming past classrooms to get to where he needs to be. When Yunho calls again, he hears the phone ring right above him.

Rushing like crazy, he reaches his finishing point and comes across something he would never forget in his lifetime.

Up ahead pressed against the railing is Jongho himself, completely silent while his phone buzzes inside his bag.

"...Jongho?" Yunho calls him, but the younger doesn't budge. He doesn't know what he's planning to do, but he also knows he really won't like it.

Yunho says Jongho's name again, and his blood runs cold when the boy climbs the railing right then, his actions steady and graceful. Like he's thought about this before.

Jongho then makes a move to jump, but Yunho is quicker as he races to him and grabs onto his middle.

"Let go!" Jongho yells as he thrashes within his grip, his voice achingly sorrowful, but Yunho doesn't relent. Not now, not ever. "Let go, Yunho."

"I-I won't. You can't die," Yunho says, his voice trembling as well. "I won't let you."

Jongho sniffs. "Let me go."

"N-No, Jongho. I won't let you do this. You mean too much to me," Yunho's voice breaks. "Please, Jongho. I don't want you to -- to die."

Jongho sobs, all his fight leaving him. Yunho hugs him tight while carrying him off the railing, and Jongho weeps into his chest, tears soaking through his coat in seconds.

"They -- they didn't care," Jongho gasps, his wretched sobs agonizing to listen to. Yunho hates his parents for turning their son like this. "Said I couldn't do anything else. Said I should only focus on my grades and -- and basketball. I-I didn't have much of a fucking life because of them, a-and now they don't even bother watching my game."

"It's okay," Yunho soothes, smoothing down Jongho's hair. His wrist glistens when the moonlight slithers past the clouds. "You're gonna be okay. You have me, alright? You have me."

Yunho hears footsteps spiralling up the stairs, and then Mingi and San are appearing, the two of them visibly shocked at what they witness.

Mingi looks so distressed, so disturbed that it worries Yunho, because why does he seem to have seen something like this before?

"You'll be okay," Yunho whispers into Jongho's hair once more, and hopes that Mingi hears it, too.

• • •

a/n: thoughts?

also since this is ateez's 5th anniversary as a group, when did u become an atiny?? cuz im curious
i stanned them between say my name era & wave era lol