Ben

I sat in the yard, leaning against the side of our old Pohutukawa tree, bouncing a ball against the fence. The Pohutukawa's gentle explosion of its annual red flowers were beginning to take over the treetop; in our town, officially marking the start of summer. It was one of my favourite times of the year - slowly watching our small coastal town turn bright red as the famous flowers bloomed. But although the weather was looking up, I was looking down - here I was, brooding in the backyard in the shade of the swaying branches.

Bleak, dry pain crackled up my spine every time I moved; the ugly red splotches on my back aching from yesterday. It happened every summer - no matter how many bottles of SPF 100000+ I slathered onto my skin each day, somehow, I would still wake up the next day with the same hollow pain searing through my skin. It was times like this I wished we'd get rid of some of our damn cows - maybe then New Zealand would still have its ozone layer and we wouldn't be fried to a crisp every time we stepped outside.

The reason I was out here anyway was because Dad was having a barbecue out the front with some of his church buddies, and Mum and Lindsey were with them; Lindsey, my eight year old sister, in charge of entertaining all the kids. Normally, Chris would be here too, except his parents were out of town for the day to run an errand. But besides him, I had no one my age there; so here I was, moping in the backyard using the excuse of my sunburn as a shield from human interaction.

It wasn't like I wanted to talk to anyone anyway.

I stared down at my open notebook that lay on the grass next to me, and the poem I had scrawled onto the blank paper around half an hour ago. Chris and I had a plan to meet by the cove today around 2 o'clock; I glanced at my watch, which read 12:50. I watched the little pointer tick, listening to its routine rhythm; tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

A sigh escaped my lips as I caught my ball and held it in my hand, leaning against the tree. Today was December 6th - that meant there were nineteen days, little under three weeks, until Chris and I finally came out to our parents - and thereby the whole town, pretty much. Word got around quickly around here. We had made up our minds when we decided the date that there would be no negotiation about it - our secret had to be revealed to our parents on Christmas Day. If not, it would likely never be brought up, or they would inevitably find out in one way or another, which wouldn't be pleasant for either parties involved. 

No, it had to be then. It was only fair. Sure, our parents' conservative views were a load of bullshit to us, but they were still our family. They deserved to know about this fundamental part of us. If they really loved us, they would be able to look past their views and see us for who we really are. If not, then, well, there was no point in hoping for a happy ending for Chris or me. 

I supposed it would be like a test, for us and our families - what we're willing to understand and look past for each other. I adored my parents, even though I didn't always see eye to eye with them, but that was normal. They would understand. I hoped.

It was early last year, around March, when I realised who I truly was. I had felt different all my life from my other friends - always preferring poetry over rugby, the sea over skateparks. I was the softie of my friend circle - and I liked it that way. They could run off and chase what and whoever they wanted; I would stay right where I was, comfortable in my own little shell, knowing that I could never love anyone they could. 

Then something shifted. I wasn't sure what, or when; but at some point, I realised I had fallen in love. Normally, this would have been a cause to celebrate. But not for me. I was terrified.

Because I had fallen in love with a boy.

This was monumental for me. Suddenly, I was on the flipside of my parents views, of the things written in the Bible; I was unwanted. I was sinful. I was the handiwork of Satan. I was all of these things I had grown up to learn as wrong. Those first few months, locked in the closet of my own upbringing, were some of the hardest in my life. I had never been so alone - no one could ever know the secret I kept.

Slowly, over time, I began to drift away from my family, gradually falling out with their views and quietly finding my way out of church community activities, especially after Chris and I had gotten together. I still believed in God; I knew he was out there somewhere. But as I fell away from my community, I couldn't help but feel like I was falling away from Him too.

A crunch caught my attention, snapping me out of recalling my sop story, and I looked up to see Dad beaming at me, walking towards me with a plate in his hands. Quickly shoving, my notebook around the other side of the tree, I looked up at him. "Hey buddy," he said cheerily, sitting down next to me. I shuffled over to make room for him.

I sighed. "Hey Dad," I replied.

Dad looked me up and down. "Sunburn getting to you, eh?" he asked, offering me the plate he was holding, which had two sausages, a roll, and some salad. My stomach grumbled at the sight of them, but I didn't make any move towards the food.

"Yeah. It's hard to move," I said robotically. 

"You'll be alright."

"I know."

There was an awkward moment of silence as Dad stared out into the garden, trying to see what I was seeing. I looked at him then; the man I had looked up to all my life. He had my blue-green eyes, and had sandy blond stubble sketched across his cheeks that was turning grey. He loved everyone, and everyone loved him. But I couldn't help but wonder; would he still love me, his son, his eldest child, if he knew who I really was? He turned to me again. I looked down. As irrational as it was, every time he looked at me, I feared he could see right through me, and the identity I was hiding written all over my face.

Dad sighed, and clapped me on the shoulder, making my sunburnt back cry out in pain. I bit down my wince. "They're playing cricket out the front, if you wanted to join them," he said. Offering a final, hopeful smile, he stood and left, leaving me alone again.

I glanced at my watch. It was one thirty. If I left now, I would make it to the cove to meet Chris with some time to spare. Besides, there was no point in sitting here moping any longer.

Stretching, I stood and left, hiding my notebook in a nook of the roots of the Pohutukawa, and the secret words I had scrawled on there which no one else, not even Chris, would ever understand, apart from me.

My Heart

I don't know what to do with my heart sometimes.
It is mentioned in every song, film, and sonnet;
Love it, leave it, lock it;
But what is it?

It breaks, it heals, it shatters;
It falls, it warms, it rises;
It beats, it sends blood, it receives it;
And it keeps me alive.

But what do I do for my heart?

Do I keep it alive?
Do I nurture it, torture it;
Abandon it, savour it?
Do I water it like a garden with sunshine and rain,
Or do I beat it and slice at it so it cries out in pain?

Is it hand in hand with my heart or are they indeed always fighting?
Is there a chance of my logic and heartbreak ever aligning?
Is it a maths equation or a work of art?
Easy to interpret or an abstract formula?

Is it a mystery waiting to be solved?

Or have I known the answer all along?

~

Or is it, put simply, a lump in my chest,

That keeps my body breathing until its time to rest.

Hey hey hey

I hope you enjoyed this chapter! 

I realised a flaw in my upload-a-chapter every day plan; I am away for a lot of December, and won't get writing time. So to rectify this, I am going to try upload a chapter every day that I am here in Auckland; so I don't have to try write like eight chapters in one day to make up for the days when I am out of Auckland.

Also, the Pohutukawa is a native NZ tree which blooms every summer with these gorgeous red flowers around every December - it's like on every NZ souvenir ever lol so you might have seen it :P

I wrote the poem a couple of months ago, just for myself, but thought it went with his story :DD

I'll try update when I can as I'm leaving tomorrow - but I hope you enjoyed Ben's story :D

residenthobbit49 :) <3