I was still wearing his coat as we trudged through the snow in the direction of home. No matter how warm it was, the cold always seemed to seep through during that walk, as if the coat refused to insulate the heat any longer. The cold was nothing compared to the nipping pain of the silence between me and Rhys. Many familiar land marks passed us by, but my mind wasn't on the beauty of the area we lived in, it was on the Waffle House 'adventure' and the events of the night. 

   I was still in shock that Rhys had taken me on the adventure just to 'accidentally' run into Missy and try to make her jealous. His words and actions ran through my head, warming me up a bit from red cheeks. I had to shake the thought of us being real, of him actually treating me like that and being my boyfriend. That would never happen and honestly, I couldn't decide if I was joyful or sorrowful about that fact. On one hand, everything in me wanted to break the silence and yell at him, to be cross with him for his actions and for using me. But no matter how many times i screamed at him in my head, how many times I rehearsed what I would say and how epically I would walk away, I couldn't bring myself to say a word. I didn't have the heart, the power in my jaw to initiate the conversation. I couldn't even get my mouth to move let alone get the words out. 

   So instead we walked in complete silence, nothing but the soft crunch of our footsteps in the snow could be heard. I felt anxious because of his silence. I understood my own mind and why I was silent, but I couldn't read his emotions. What was keeping him so silent? Drawing me out of my thoughts, I finally heard his voice and it startled me. 

   "Why did you kiss me?" The question took me by surprise. In hearing his voice, I was ready for anything except that question. I was ready to perhaps answer, 'Why won't you talk to me?' or 'What did I do wrong?' or 'What's wrong, Caroline?'. But I was not prepared at all for his real question. Instead I answered his question with a question.

   "Why did you use me? That's the better question." It was a slight stab to his heart, I could tell by the slight shift in his face. 

   "I asked you my question first." Damn, there was no avoiding his question, especially if I wanted answers of my own out of him. I didn't want to tell him the truth, but I also didn't want to lie to him. I was tired of lying to him. sure I wasn't physically saying anything, but not saying what you really feel is a form of lying, and I had been letting feelings for him fester inside of me for a very long time without confessing. Tell him, now's your chance. Nothing is around to interrupt so just tell him, I thought. I took a deep breath and let the words flow out. 

   "I kissed you because I was playing along with your little 'charade'." He looked confused and I was left mentally cursing myself for not telling him the truth. But was it the truth? The real truth was that I didn't know why I kissed him. i couldn't tell if I did it out of lust for the moment between us to be real or if I did it out of anger and wanting to make Missy jealous. Or did I perhaps do it simply to be a good friend and help Rhys in his master plans for the night? Suppose this is why he asked me. He didn't know either. The only two things we shared in common in that moment were the cold nipping at our faces and the confusion of putting together what happened at the Waffle House and why it happened. 

   "What are you talking about?" He questioned. I rolled my eyes, going with anger. I had too many emotions swirling around in my head at once and the only thing I could do to keep my words steady was to pick an emotion and stick with it, even if it wasn't right. 

   "Don't play the fool with me. You know exactly why you asked me to come out here with you tonight when you hadn't talked to me in months. Go ahead, be honest with me, be honest with yourself and say that you used  me." He stared at me, unsure of what to say.

   "You know, for a moment, I actually thought our friendship could be fixed. I thought that tonight, just for one night, our friendship could be the same. It could be just you and me like it used to be. I thought that we could...but I guess I was wrong." He rolled his eyes after a moment of silence.

   "You sound like a cliche movie character." 

   "If this was a cliche movie, you'd be making your best effort to save our friendship, but instead you're just being a jerk." Once again, he paused before he spoke.

   "I've had fun tonight, I really have. I didn't just invite you to make her jealous." 

   "Then why did you invite me?" I questioned, getting really impatient with him. He sighed.

   "Because I wanted our friendship back too. I wanted one more night with an old friend before I would have to leave my home town. This night was supposed to be for me and Missy, but obviously she would rather be with someone else...I guess I thought you might make this last night worth it, that I could have good memories to look back on when I think of this town." I was silent, allowing him time to finish speaking if he had anything else to say. When he didn't speak, I picked up my opportunity. 

   "You say you want our friendship back, but what have you done tonight that should make me believe that? Especially after that little incident at the Waffle House. What ever happened to 'I don't plan anything. I go where the night takes me'? The you I know and love seems to disappear really fast whenever the situation involves Missy. Ever since the two of you got together, our friendship has disappeared and I couldn't handle that anymore. But tonight, I thought tonight was going to be different. I thought that tonight you could be your old self again. Guess you haven't changed though, have you?" 

   "Caroline, you haven't been in many relationships, you don't understand what it's like to go through a break up like this one. Do you really blame me for being attached? Damn right I'm attached to Missy! She meant the world to me. I could see myself getting married to her. But of course, I have the 'parents of the year' that decided to send me to some school really freaking far away thinking that it'll make me less of a so called 'delinquent'. So naturally, the girl that I thought loved me said that she doesn't trust me and thinks I'll cheat on her. Do you know what that feels like? No, you don't. Your parents would never send you away because you're the 'golden child'. No one would ever believe that Caroline does things that are considered 'wrong'. You're not in a relationship either. You have no one to leave you and make you feel like complete shit." His words hurt, but not as much as they would later. The natural human defense at times like that is anger and that's what I turned to. 

   "You think I'm judging you for your situation? You don't know what I've gone through either and you have no room to talk to me like that!" 

   "You are judging my situation and you're judging me. You don't trust my friendship." 

   "What does this have to do with trust?"

   "This has everything to do with trust. If you trust me, you'll trust that I'm sorry and that I'm going through a lot. I didn't mean to hurt you, but everything has gone to shit lately and I guess she was just the straw that broke the camel's back." 

   "You had no excuse to lead me on the way you did..." I answered sort of quietly. 

   "What do you mean, 'lead you on'?" I bit my lip, holding back tears. I spoke in a fragile tone, only a few words away from bursting into tears. 

   "I can't believe you still don't know...of course, how could you know if I've been holding it in all of this time?" My breathing was breaking into fragile pieces, fragmented as my heart skipped a few beats. 

   "What are you talking about? What don't I know?" With a slow breath in and out, I confessed.

   "I love you, Rhys...well, I love you again. I liked you before now for a really long time, but before I could tell you that I liked you, you had gotten together with Missy. I wanted to be a good friend, I wanted to stay silent and let you be happy with her. But when you weren't always happy with her, I got so frustrated! I thought, 'why are you wasting your time on someone who basically means nothing  to you when I'm right in front of you?'. There were so many times that I wanted to confess, that I wanted to pour my heart out to you, but I kept silent for your sake. I kept my mouth shut so you could be happy. Eventually, I realized that even if I did tell you, you wouldn't feel the same way. If I told you, it would just ruin our friendship. The situation was hopeless and I took the time I needed to get over you. It helped that you weren't really talking to me anymore, and for my own sake, I didn't try to spark any conversations with you. But then...tonight, I started to realize that I...I still love you..." He stared at me with an unreadable expression. He no longer seemed angry, but I couldn't tell how he was feeling. He didn't speak, so I filled the uncomfortable silence in the falling flurries of snow. 

   "But I guess it's no use. After all, Why should I pursue you again when it'll only wind up the same way it did before? You don't feel the same and I can't force you to feel the same. I can't force you to love me..." 

   I took one last look at his face, softened and red from the snow and the conversation we'd been having. I couldn't hold back the tear shed anymore. I turned around and walked away, leaving him standing there thinking whatever he was thinking about the conversation. When I realized he wasn't following me and I couldn't take it anymore, I ran, letting the tears stream down my face like the blizzard-like flurries from the clouds. I was worried that the tears would freeze on my face in the crisp air. I ran until my lung couldn't take it anymore and stopped for breath. I breathed the frost into my lungs, breathing out and watching as my breath appeared in front of me like fog. I needed to rest before I went the rest of the way home. I found a spot in the park nearby to plop into the snow covered grass and lay down. I let the flurries of snow hit my face like little tiny icicles. Even though I had to close my eyes to keep from being stung by the snowflakes, the sensation of them hitting my face and laying in the quiet snowstorm was extremely peaceful. I was able to stop crying as I breathed in and out and lay there. I stayed there for what seemed like forever and revisited in my mind the realization I'd had earlier in the Walmart.

   "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. Just like the ones I used to know. Where the tree tops glisten, and children listen to hear sleigh bells in the snow." I missed the past Christmases I had spent with Rhys. I missed him showing up at our door Christmas morning, asking what we had cooking for the special family Christmas meal. I remember us exchanging thoughtful gifts with each other and teasing each other in the dynamic our friendship used to hold. I revisited countless inside jokes and memories of us and let myself enjoy them one last time before I decided I was going to move on. He'd be making it easier since he'd be leaving in the morning. I'd never have to see him again, never have to look at him with the familiar feeling of a longing expression while 'on probation' from our friendship. He would be out of my life for good and I wouldn't have to worry about him. 

   "May your days be merry and bright!" I smiled for the first time in a while that night. It was going to be a long walk home, but I would come to enjoy that time to think and replay all of our memories one last time before I spent all of my effort and energy trying to forget them. I stood myself up with a bit of effort and began walking home. I softly sang the last line to myself, letting my voice cut through the cold, calm silent night. 

   "And may all your Christmases be white."