Twenty-eight Not Love

                Devlin carried me into my dark room. He didn't bother turning on the lights. My stomach lurched in an ominous manner. This wasn't right. My hands became clammy and my heart began racing. He wouldn't do this. I know him. Maybe he didn't turn on the lights because he thought I was asleep.

                I trust him. To some people, this might sound ridiculous. Liza would probably laugh at me for believing him the way I did. My Devlin had a heart of gold. He thought of others before he thought about himself. A man like that can't possibly hurt me or anyone as a matter of fact.

                The soft, plush blanket brushed against my bare legs, the mattresses sunk with my weight. The familiar, nostalgic smell of his cologne surrounded me. In the faint light of the moon, I saw him sit next to me, he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, his fingers trailing down the side of my face. The windows were open as the draperies flew with the wind letting more light flee into the room.

                I still couldn't see his face, all I could see was a faint outline of his jaw. The swaying trees cast a flickering shadow upon him. I could hear the wind howl outside, I could hear his slow, calm breaths trickling down cheek, and I could smell the coffee in his breath. I wonder how many cups he drowned today.

                His weight shifted slightly, I felt the mattress lift upward. He was leaving me alone again. If I were corpse, he would be my life. If I were body, he would be my soul. I was drowning again, the enormous waves of the sea began pulling me under. He was my shore. The same breathlessness filled me from the time I was a kid and nearly drowned in a lake.

                Without thinking because love doesn't think before it fills your heart till the brim, I lifted myself off the bed and ran towards him. His bony fingers were about to take hold of the door's knob. I grabbed his arm, forcefully. We tumbled into each other, collapsing onto the bed. He lay onto top of me, his arms pressed on either side of my waist to prevent his weight from crushing me. My breaths were ragged, my eyes were hazy, and my thoughts weren't making any sense.

                Moonlight flashed on his face. He was staring at me, his eyes were a feverish red- a red that reminded me of someone who had been crying through the night. My finger's traced the hollows under his eyes, my thumb ran over his lashes, stars shined upon them. A tear fell onto my face.

                "Why are you crying?" I whispered, knives digging inside me, deeper and deeper they went with each passing second.

The light vanished as the curtains fell back into place.

                My hands roamed around his face. I could feel the moisture sticking to my skin. I felt his jaw, I could feel the tension in it, I could feel the rough stubble on his face. I took deep breath in, my lungs aching inside me, somehow his pain had become my own. Why was he sad? I never wanted him to be sad.

                Feeling for his lips, I lifted my head and pressed my lips against his. I felt his chest rise under my hands. The strong taste of coffee filled my mouth. He didn't push me away like I expected him to, maybe he didn't have the strength to do so.

                A bitter winter storm collided against my rib-cage. There were stars, galaxies swirling inside me yet there were these strange flames rising and dying. The wings of a phoenix soared, cutting the winter storm of pain. The tears had stopped, I felt a smile playing like the sweet of melody of a flute, dancing on his lips. There was light, behind my closed eyes, I could sense the gentle moonlight once again surround us. The wind washed over our skins almost like rain falling upon an unsuspecting traveler. This new land was foreign to me. It had a language I didn't understand, words that made no sense, gestures that confused me.

                He broke the kiss. In a swift motion, my hands were pinned above my head. There was a glint in his warm browns eyes, a kind that often reminded me of a deceitful magician.

                He peppered soft kisses along my jaw. "I know you're not drunk," He spoke in between kisses, my hands were still above my head. "That means I won't feel guilty about taking advantage of you," He removed his mouth from my neck and stared into my eyes.

                I should have felt scared. Maybe even embarrassment but I wasn't. I watched him, calmly, a serene peace running through all veins and vessels.

                "You keeping forgetting that I'm a man. I can do anything I want with you," The tone in which he spoke didn't seem to be a threat. "The mansion is empty. No-one is here. It's just you and me," He held my arms more tightly than before. "You're too naïve, Alice." Fear clouded his eyes not mine. He was the one who was scared, not me.

                "My life is yours. Do whatever you like," Men do not understand how much courage takes for a woman to say something like that. He had won me over and over again. He was the only reason my heart was beating today. He was the reason my father and sister weren't sitting near my grave.

                The hold of his hands on my arms loosened. I don't think I've ever seen Devlin look so afraid. The usual color in his skin turned into ash. He bolted upright in bed, his face buried into the nest of his palms.

                In a dreamlike cloudiness, I too followed his lead. Edging towards him, I kneeled beside him and carefully peeled his hand off his face. His face was warm in my numb fingers. He had a defeated expression, his eyes were dull, and his mouth was pulled into a sad smile.

                "I'm sorry. This wasn't supposed to happen," There was an alluring softness in his voice. He were a flame and I were a moth, drawn towards him. I rested my hand on his knee, the gap was disappearing between us as he slowly lowered his head to meet gaze. "I'm sorry,"

                I understood what he was trying to say. He was sorry that I had fallen for him.

I pressed a hand on his mouth, afraid that he would try to stop me from saying what I had been meaning to say the last time. Then again my heart sped away, again my pulse soared, today would be the day.

"You can't change that. I love you and will keep loving you till my last breath. I'm a one man woman, Devlin. It's either you or it's no-one"

"Why do you love me so much?" His hand was wrapped around mine as he lowered my hand from his mouth. "Honestly, tell me why do you love me?" He had his eyebrows furrowed together as though he were trying unravel me piece by piece and make sense of the shattered puzzle I was.

                "Because I saved your life," The tight hold of his hand around mine now felt repulsive. I closed my eyes, wanting to block out his mocking voice.  "Because I cared for you, because I let you stay with me. My love, that is called infatuation, not love."

                There was silence. His words weren't sinking in. I don't know how long it would take for them to.

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                Note: I just revealed one of Devlin's fears ...he thinks Alice is too young to understand love.

 Anyways, I'll try to updating soon. Sorry for the cliffhanger.