Fourteen Angel

            The cold evening wind pounded on my window's clear glass panes. Every second or two a clacking sound would resound from the outside, making me feel not so alone in the empty apartment.  I sat on the small twin sized bed, my legs pulled under the checkered quilt and a book propped open in my lap.

            My eyes vacantly stared the glossy pages of my communication application book while my mind refused to focus on a single word. All I could think of was their hurtful words.  The scenes were in flames behind my eyelids. The words were leaving unbearable scars etched deep into my flesh, coursing along my blood.

            I was tired, tired of everything. I wanted my life back. I wanted to live again. I wanted be the old me. The Alice who was always on the top of everything- perfect grades, good health, and a huddle of friends always surrounded her.

            I was tired of myself.

            Before I knew it, the warmth of the blankets and wind's chaotic hum wove their magic around me and I fell into a dreamless slumber.

            ~*~*~*~
            A banging on the front door jolted me out of sleep. I glanced at the digital propped next to my unkempt bed. 3:30 p.m. it said.

            Strange. Devlin usually doesn't return before five and plus he has the keys to the apartment.

            I got up from the bed, slipping on my slippers and walked to the front-door. My hand reached for the door knob. When I opened the door, I'm greeted by a tall, shy-looking girl who looks around to be of Devlin's age. Her cheeks are flushed pink as long waves of black hair cascade down her slim back. In her hands, she held a large woven basket filled with flawless white roses. She's staring at her feet, blushing furiously. Who is she?

            I clear my throat. "Hi,"

Her honey colored eyes snap in my directions as a frown covers her lips. "Who are you?" She speaks, biting her lips.

            "Um..." She's the one who's standing at my doorstep. Shouldn't I be the one asking her that?

"Are you Devlin's girlfriend?" She asks, nearly scowling at me.

            Now it's my turn to blush. Color rushes to my face. "Err, no I'm his roommate," Well, sort of -except for the fact that I haven't paid my share of the rent yet.

            Relief floods her face and a smile covers it. "Is Devlin here?"

"No, he's not. Actually he doesn't return from college before five,"

            The smile drops on her face. "Oh," I'm caught up feeling guilty and jealous. Right now I want to chuck a bat across her face and hit it till her features are dismantled. Alice, be nice. This isn't like you.

"I can give him your message when he comes back from college," I try smiling but I think it comes out as grimace.

She looks at me, wearily. "You'll seriously tell him, right?"

I nod my head.

            She chews the inside of her mouth and hands me the basket of roses. "Tell him that Elizabeth Chu came to visit,"

            "Okay," I smile for the last time before shutting the door.

I set the basket on the kitchen's granite counter.  There is a small vanilla colored envelope lying in the basket. My hands are itching to read it but I resist. It's wrong to invade into someone's privacy. God knows, it could be love letter. Urgh.

Stupid, stupid Alice, stop feeling so jealous.         

I sigh. Seriously, this is not the time for all this. I need to focus on my books. For chocolate's sake, I don't need to flunk again.

I'm about to enter my room when another knock resounds. Gritting my teeth together, I walk back to the door. Who is it now?

I open the door and surprise, surprise another girl stands at the doorstep.  She wears a tight red dress that cling to her faultless curves and flat stomach. Both of her hands are wrapped around a massive brown colored teddy bear.  Guess what? I want to kill her.

Painting an overly sweet smile on my face, I speak -since she's busy staring at me with her eyes bulging out of their sockets. "How can I help you?"

"Omg!" She half groans and half screams. "Is Devlin dating you? Are you two a thing?"

This time I don't blush. "No," I mutter dryly. "I'm his roommate,"

            "Great!" She exclaims, holding the stuffed toy closer to her body. "Can I speak to Devlin?" Someone give me a sledge hammer so I can rip her Barbie-doll like face off her neck.

"He's not here," I reply through my teeth. "Still at college,"

            She doesn't believe me- obviously, because she shoves me aside and barges into the apartment. "Devlin, sweetheart, Are you here?" She yells on top of her lungs standing in the center of the living room.

            Sweetheart- If I could I would strangle her with my bare hands.

I smile when a disappointed frown covers her face. Since when have I begun to take pleasure in someone's sorrow? That's wrong.

            I pull the smile off my face. "See, told you he isn't here,"

She glares at me. If looks could kill. "Whatever,"

            She places the teddy bear on the orange floral loveseat and marches to the door.

"Hey you," She shouts, turning around to look at me. "Make sure Devlin gets the teddy bear. Don't you hog it," She's freaking talking to me like I'm her servant or something.

             My nostrils flare in anger. "I don't want your dumb bear,"

She doesn't hear me or pretends that she didn't and walks out smoothly in her red pumps. I want to kill her. Who the hell does she think she is?

Muttering some curses under my breath, I slam the door shut. When I reach my room, I pick up my communication application textbook and try to study. Which I'm unable to do since yes, you guessed it right- there are shouting sounds outside the door.

I bring my book along me and set it on the orange sofa before walking to the front door. Two brunette girls stand in front of the door, screaming and torturing their vocal cords. All good things chocolate, I feel bad for their voice box. It is probably bawling its eyes out and saying 'why did I do to deserve the throats of these monsters'

"I'm going to give it to him first-"The first girl shouts as she tries grabbing the box of chocolates the other girl held.

I rolled my eyes. "Excuse me? Can you go fight somewhere else?"

Their eyes snap in my direction, halting all the plummeting they were doing.

            The first girl shrieks -her hands pointing at me like I'm some ghost.

The second girl looks between the number plate on the door and me. "What are you doing in his apartment?"

I sigh. Here we go again.

~*~*~*~

            After two hours of opening and slamming the door shut, the hordes of girls coming here had finally ceased.  The kitchen counters were filled with expensive boxes of chocolates, cakes and flowers. I don't think there was any room left in the kitchen. About twenty girls visited the apartment and few boys which actually crept me out since they all were blushing furiously and were staring at me like I was some sort of disgusting insect. The same questions were asked over and over again by the time the last girl left, I was already feeling like Devlin's girlfriend because I heard the word too many times and in too many ways- not that I minded. A stupid grin lit my face. But seriously, what is going on? Why are there so many people visiting Devlin's apartment today?

            I sat in the seating room on the orange sofa- my legs bundled together while a pencil was stuck in my mouth as I tried finishing a sketch. I had given up on communication app.  My mind refused to concentrate. All I could think of was the tangled mess of thoughts inside me.

            So I did what soothed my frantic nerves. I drew. I know I shouldn't be drawing. I should be studying but in moments like these drawing is a better option than sinking into a hole of depression. My sketch book was wide open, the blank white page with a roughly sketched face stared back at me.

            I don't know whose face it was. My hands were moving on their own accord, striking the paper faster than my mind could respond. The outline of the eyes was complete- it roughly reminded of a certain pair of eyes. I moved to the nose and lips.

            Scratching of my pencil and the ticking sound of the wooden clock was all that could be heard.  Few minutes later when the sketch was on the verge of completion- my heart stopped. Devlin's eyes from the page stared back at me.  The sketch looked almost alive. The way I drew his smile- that smile of his when a small dimple would appear on the left cheek and the side of his eyes would crinkle as a strange lively spark would fill his eyes and how he'd stare at me warmly.

            I almost cried. I don't know why. The pencil fell from my hand- I lifted my hand to my chest. I could feel it. My heart sped away faster than any clock.

            Alice, a lifeless object can't give us happiness. Happiness is inside us. A piece entitled from one to heart to another always strikes happiness because it hits right on our heart

            My mother's word echoed through my mind. A salty tear slid down my cheek.

I picked up the pencil from the cold ground and wrote the words down next to the sketch. Happiness is inside us.

            I get what she meant. I finally did. The small gesture from earlier where Devlin had eaten my cookies without a single cringe despite the fact how terrible they were came into my mind. I smile because that small gesture had touched my heart. It struck a chord inside, igniting a joyful flame within me. No gift could be bring me this much of joy.

            The opening of the front door caused to snap out of the daze I had been in. I quickly I set the sketch on the sofa, making sure I had closed the cover. I didn't want Devlin to see the sketch. It would be weird and awkward at the same time especially since he had indirectly told me to leave in the morning.

            I was still upset about it. I know I shouldn't expect him to be nice all the time but I can't help it. It's scary to admit this but I do like him and I don't know how much.

            With a hasty hand, I gathered my things from the sitting room and began walking towards my room when Devlin's tired voice stopped me.

            "Alice," He says. I hear a strange longing in his voice.

I turn around to face him, my books clenched tightly to my chest. The erratic beats of my heart fill my ears- the drumming sounds echoes with all the other sounds on the outside.

             He stands there, his warm brown eyes dull with exhaustion. He wasn't wearing scrubs today. It felt strange to see him in a plain t-shirt and jeans.

            I set my books on the sofa. Suddenly feeling worried, he didn't look well. He wasn't smiling. The curves besides his lips were pulled downwards. With a gentle thud, his bag fell onto the ground.

            He averted his eyes which were looking at me a minute ago and stared at his empty hands.

"Devlin," I almost whisper. Afraid. "Are you okay?"

            He nods. He's lying I know. His eyes find mine and holding them in their place and for a second or two I forget to breathe. "You're mad at me," It wasn't a question. "Is that why you were leaving?"

             I shake my head, biting my lips. "I was going to put my books away,"

"You're lying," There's no humor in his voice or in his eyes.

            "I'm not mad at you," I reply. "Just upset,"

He furrows his eyebrows together. "Why?"

            "Nothing big," I smile at him. I don't why but I feel Devlin isn't alright. He's trying to distract himself by talking about me or is he trying to distract me.

            "Devlin, are you okay?" I ask again. Because no-matter how hard I try the nagging feeling wouldn't leave me.

            He sighs- the piece of air leaves him with a shudder and then he massages his temple. "I'm fine. It's been a long day,"

            "What happened?"

He doesn't answer my question instead he asks one. "Can I hug you? Please," The dejected tone of his voice breaks me.

            I don't respond and run to him. Burying my head into his shoulder, I hold him tightly. I wrap my hands around his neck while he wraps his around my waist.

            We fit together like two pieces of one puzzle. It feels good to hug him. His arms are warm and nice. All the chaos from my day dissipates into thin air. I feel calm and blissful. Under my hands, I feel his shoulders relax. I know he feels the same way.

            His breath falls over my neck in an even rhythm- I close my eyes and sink into him. The soft smell of detergent and some nice masculine cologne fills my senses.

            "It's going to be okay," I speak into his shoulder.

He hugs me tighter than before. "As long as you're here,"

            I don't understand what he means but I don't question him either.

We stand there- in each other arms for few minutes. Before he pulls away, his face looks more relaxed than before.

            He smiles at me. It's a small smile where he lips barely curve upwards but it's there.

I smile back, staring into his honey spilling eyes. They're truly beautiful and they look more beautiful when he's happy.

            Then I remember all the girls that had visited. "Some twenty girls came to give you things. I tried remembering their names but there were too many,"

            Devlin eyes follow mine to the kitchen. He shakes his head, sighing. "Looks like I have a ton work to do,"

            "Work?" I asked, confused.

"Secret admirer day in college and you're supposed to give presents to the one person you like," He states in a manner of explanation.

            "Looks you have a ton of admirers," I laugh.

He laughs too. "And now to send thank you cards to a ton of people,"

            "You don't have to," I bite my lips. "They're your admirers. Remember?" I don't want him to reply to anyone. I want him to spend all that time with me. Selfish, I know. But I don't want to share him even though he doesn't belong to me. 

He smirks- his eyes have a playful glint in them. "I can't keep the ladies waiting. Now can I?"

             I try very hard keep my mouth shut so I wouldn't scowl at him.

"And the guys," I add.

            A cringe escapes him. "Guys? Are you kidding?" He says in between a grimace.

I shrug, a teasing smile on my lips. "Go see for yourself,"

            "I'm good," He breathes out.

            Before I can stop myself, I blurt the words lying on the tip of my tongue. "Did you give someone a carnation?"

            Instantly my face is fled with heat, I press my palms against my face so he wouldn't see. He sees the color nevertheless.

            I expect him to tease me or laugh but he doesn't.  He looks away. "I did," A cloud of gloom lingers down his lashes.

My stomach twist in a painful manner- I can feels my chest swell up with melancholy. The joy inside me from a minute ago is replaced by despair. I can't let myself to get down, again. I won't be able to come out if I do.

"What did she say?" I hear myself say.

He laughs. I know there are tears in his eyes because he doesn't look at me when he laughs. "She rejected me, of-course,"

            "She doesn't realize what she lost,"

            He looks at me, hard. His intense gaze sears through my eyes.

"Devlin there are so many other girls who like you," I point at the clutter on the kitchen counters.  A sudden burst of confidence makes me advance towards him. I place my hand on his chest. The warmth flows into my palm.

His hearts beats wildly under my hand. Was it for me? "Because they know about the beautiful heart inside,"

            He cracks a smile. "Thank you," It's the second time he has said that.

"Thank you," I repeat, letting my hand fall from his chest. "For eating those horrid cookies,"

            A sheepish look covers his face. "They weren't that bad,"

I raise a brow. "Really now? You know you could have told me that they were bad. Honestly I wouldn't have cared,"

            "You would have," He insisted. "Except you wouldn't show it,"

"I'm stronger than you think,"

            "Do you even know what I think?" His tone is sharp and it catches me by surprise. Something about what I had said offended him.

His hands grip my arms as he pulls me closer to himself. I feel breathless by the small touch. Scorching fire smears my arms where his fingers are wrapped.  My pulse throbs in my neck.

He places his fingers under my chin, lifting them so our eyes would meet. A small gap separates our faces. I don't dare to breathe.

"What do you think?" The words leave me in a gasp.

The edges of his cool fingers trail down the side of my heat filled face. I fight the urge to close my eyes.

"You're not even trying because you think you don't deserve to be happy. You lie straight to my face. You lie to yourself. You lie to everyone around you. When I came back from college, you weren't studying. You had you're sketch book with you. You aren't even trying to clear your exams,"

            I don't honestly know what to think at the moment: to be ashamed of myself, to be angry at Devlin for making these assumptions but he isn't wrong. 

"I was studying-"

His hands lay on top of my shoulder. "What made you stop?"

            I try to turn my head to look away but he wouldn't allow it. He pressed his palms against my face, forcing me to look right into his eyes.

            "I-I couldn't focus,"

"Why?"

            I don't answer.

'You stink'

'Haven't you heard of a thing called deodorant?'

'Looks like the loser ain't going to prom,'

'Prom won't stink. Phew'

'Someone like you'

The voices inside my head were only growing louder. They wouldn't go away. No-matter how I tried

            "Stop!" I cried.  I pull myself away from Devlin.  He stares at me, terrified. The black in his iris widen. "Stop!"

I clasp a hand over my ears. "Make these voices go away, please,"

            "Make them go away!" My body collapses onto the carpeted floors, pulling my knees together. I rock back and forth.

'           He watches me, a helpless look on his face. He doesn't know what to do. I feel the panic grow inside my chest. My hands reach out for my chest. I press a hand across my chest. The pain was killing me. It started inside my chest and spread into my toes. I couldn't bear it.

            Suddenly, I felt a pair of arms hold me. Devlin takes my childish hands in his large ones. "I'm sorry," He whispers, his voice stuck inside his throat. "I'm so sorry,"

            He wraps his arms around me. My numb arms go around his neck. Tears stain my face and seep into his t-shirt. My fingers skim down his back over his taunt muscles. 

 I feel the voices die down. Now I only hear his voice. "I didn't know it was this bad," He touches my back, pressing me closer while his other hand smoothes my hair.

            I squeeze my eyes shut, resting my head on his shoulder. "I don't know what happened," I speak weakly. "The things they said, I was hearing them again,"

            He holds my shoulders and leans away. There is a frown on his face. "Who said what?"

I shake my head. "I can't-"

            He doesn't push me further. Stark terror clings to his eyes.

            "I couldn't focus," I begin talking when he doesn't say anything. "So I started to draw. It usually helps me when I'm upset. I know I should have been studying. There are only two weeks left till the retest. But Devlin, I couldn't. What am I going to do? I'm sorry if I scared you right now. I'm sorry for always being caught in problems. I- I"

            He firmly plants a hand over my mouth. "Alice, stop apologizing for things you can't control," He smiles reassuringly and removes his hand. "As for the retest, you're going to pass them. I'm going to tutor you, okay?"

            I nod my head, feeling overwhelmed. "Do you believe in angels?" I ask him.

He shrugs, confused on where I'm headed with this. "I don't know, do you?"

            "Never did until now. I believe you're my angel,"

He looks dazed, after a while a breathtaking smile appeared on his features. He holds my hand in his. "And I believe you're mine,"

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Note:  I was on the verge of crying during this chapter. :P I don't even know why. It's not a sad chapter just a really hopeful one. Sadly I don't have internet these days- I'm able to sneak few hours of internet somehow... I wasn't going to post this chapter because I just updated a few days ago and I'm scared that some of you might not be able to catch up.

Enough of my blabbering. So now you see why I delayed the whole Alice studying thing. I had this plan of Devlin tutoring her for a long time. And Devlin and Alice aren't perfect in any way. Both of them have their tragic faults.

            Don't hate Alice for being a wimp sometimes. She can't help it.

Please do comment because without them none of these chapters would have to life.