Eighteen Control

"From the part why your father nearly got us killed," I huffed.

          Devlin cracked a smile- a small dimple made an appearance on his cheek. He shook his head ever so slightly, wisp of black hair danced across his pale forehead.

          "So," I dragged the word. The streets were packed with cars and yellow-black taxis. Buildings- lighted brightly in the dim night whirled into a distant blur. We were headed to towards his apartment- I could tell. Old, age-worn apartments, parks filled with utter vibrancy, street-food stalls came into view.

          "He wasn't gonna kill us, you know." Devlin slipped a finger under his collar and undid a few buttons; silver skin peeked through the shirt.  He loosened the blue tie hanging off his neck- as though it had been choking him few minutes ago.

          I rolled down the window, letting in the cool, autumn wind dry off the sweat sticking stubbornly to our skins.

          "Nah," I folded my arms across the dashboard and rested my head on it. Nothing other than a good-night sleep (and maybe him) seemed tempting right now. "Of course, he wasn't going to kill us. I mean we both know how much your father enjoys a good game of chase. Let's take a moment and ignore the fact that he had a freaking army of guard trying to haul us,"

          Devlin chuckled, glancing in my direction before turning his attention to the road, swerving though the traffic smoothly as though he was running a knife down a chunk of butter.

          "Don't mock so much, love," He said in between laughs. Love, my heart melted into a pool of chocolate and seeped into my toes and the tips of fingers.

          "I haven't even started," I replied, lightly.

"Honestly, dad, well- he was just trying to scare us. He would never hurt you or me,"

          "Really?" I quirked an eyebrow. "Because from what it looked like I'm sure he wouldn't mind having me dead,"

          Devlin stiffened, his grip on the steering wheel became tighter- the veins in his hand skimmed above the papery skin. "Don't say that," He whispered, barely loud enough for me to hear.

          "Say what?" I asked, confused- leaning away from the dashboard.

          "Nothing, nothing at all," He breathed out. I don't know how to explain this but Devlin looked tensed, his brows were pulled together and his lips were drawn into a thin line.

"No, tell me,"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno- I just don't like having you talk about your death... it's that..." He trailed off.

          It took me a moment to understand what he was implying. My suicide attempt- he was scared that I was going to try to kill myself. The fear humming in his warm brown eyes was almost palpable. Suddenly, I felt embarrassed for all that I had done. No-matter how hard I tried I could never get over the subtle grit of guilt grinding my aching bones.

Imagine what would have happened if my father and my sister who loved me more than anything found out about it. I cringed. They would be crushed-no doubt- Dad would blame it all on himself and Liza- she would become so frightened by the news. I could imagine seeing tears roll down her cheeks and her face lose its sunny, joyful light. That made my heart twist achingly inside me.

 I had acted out of cowardice-not wanting to face the bundle of worries life had served me. That's life for you- you have to stand up and face the storm head on. There is no place to hide from the harsh winds and cold reality. I will live my life. Not for my family for loves more than anything, not for my friends who listened to me when I was lost, not for Devlin who picked me up and helped me stand up again- I will live this life for myself because I matter as much as everyone else in my small world.

If I want to love and comfort the people around me, I have to learn to pick myself up first. A sinking ship can't possibly save another until it repairs its own torn sail.

          "I won't do it again," I wanted to sound strong but the words slipped out in a hesitant murmur.  "it was in the spur of the moment- things fell apart so fast- I didn't even know what I was doing-"

          "You don't need to explain," His hand found mine. My stomach churned in flustering manner- the gentle billowing of my heart thrummed inside my ear drums.

          With a hint of gentleness, his fingers wove in between mine- our hands fit like two lost reels of the same photographic film. 

          "It felt like I needed to,"

He stayed silent for a second- his eyes trained on the twisted path ahead of us. The once tight hold he had on my hand-lessened to an extent where I couldn't feel his fingers- they were merely there hanging from my pained flesh.

"Whatever you did," He spoke so detachably that it made my heart fall to the pit of my stomach. The caring warmth on his face dwindled into a chilling nihility.  "It was for your own sake. Who am I to question it?"

          Ice glazed my eyes. That shouldn't have hurt but it did. He had kissed me a couple minutes ago and now here he was denying everything between us. He was treating me like an absolute stranger. Taking a deep breath, I smiled- almost sourly as his words from the time he had saved me came haunting back- 'After all who am I to question what you did? It's your life. It's your choice to do whatever you want with it,'

 "You're right. What-," My voice was cut by a loud shriek.  My heart literally jumped out of my chest. Chocolate Fudge! His hand slid through my grasp. Then there was sound of tires skidding on gravel. What's going on?

          Devlin pressed the brakes, the car screeched to a stop. Horns were blown on the busy central park streets. A shiny, bright convertible with a girl in tight-black dressed holding a bottle of beer in hand shouted a bunch of curses and drove past us. If Devlin hadn't stopped the car on time- the girl would have definitely crashed into us.

          "Girls these days- always in a rush," He muttered under his breath, shaking his head. In an instant he had the Camry speeding away.  I liked how drove- not too fast, not too slow- just a notch above the speed limit.

 "And Boys these days don't mean a thing they say," I sighed.

          "What did I say now?" I wanted to laugh at his comical worried expression. His mouth was slightly ajar and his eyebrows were puckered. Under normal circumstance, I would have but right I couldn't do anything other than fret over things I could never control (his past and my heart). Why do we human beings always want to be the puppeteers and control our fates?  Was it because we're afraid of the unknown? You know the kid was never afraid of the dark- he was afraid of what hid inside it aka the unknown. 

"It's about what you didn't say," It's about the things you didn't ask me (if I liked you or not) It's about to the four letter you won't ever say. It's about why you haven't given our friendship or whatever it is a name. What are we Devlin? You haven't tried to ask me once.

I watched him meet my gaze. For a moment, I felt breathless staring into those golden hued eyes which were peppered with this intangible magic.

          He causally shrugged his shoulders. "I don't say a-lot of things I want to say,"

"Like?"

          His eyes left mine and he stared straight ahead. There was lesser traffic on this side of Winterville.  The crowd scattered away behind in the main central park area. A couple jogged on the road- neon earphones plugged into their yoga pants. An elderly woman walked with her granddaughter, laughing as they went. There was a mother speed walking with a stroller in which lay two adorable children. I loved the community in which Devlin lived.  The people here were really friendly. They're the type who would invite you for dinner without a reason and send you oatmeal cookies whenever they made some at their place.

We were growing closer to his apartment. I could see the tall, rugged brick buildings of Oak Apartment Complex peak out in the distance.

          "Like," He repeated as he shifted the gear. "Like how the sweater you're wearing,"

          I looked down at my knitted sweater- it was orange and had a big pumpkin in the middle. I remember getting it from the thanksgiving clearance sale.

          "It's three sizes too big for you," He bluntly stated.

My mouth fell open. I couldn't believe he would say something like that. I should have known. With him, you can never tell what he's going to say. He's like a dice- you can never predict the side you'll receive. It could be a one (when he's distant and cold) or a jackpot of six (in which he says something utterly loving and warm).

I crossed my arms over my chest and narrowed my eyes at him. Stupid chocolate eyed jerk.

"I like wearing loose clothes. They're comfortable," I wish I didn't sound so defensive.

"Comfort is one thing and you're over doing it. It's like you're hiding underneath that sweater instead of wearing it,"

He knew nothing.

 He didn't know that I wore oversized clothes because I hated the way my body looked. He didn't know how it killed me. He didn't know about the insecurities that were corroding my insides the same way rust does to iron.  

Whenever I went shopping with Liza, she'd force to wear those beautiful, white-lace covered dresses.

Then in the dressing rooms, somehow I managed to squeeze into the dress and when I would to stare into the mirror. I hated everything I saw.

          A girl with her mother's bright peacock, green eyes and slightly long, brown hair curling around her shoulders- wearing no smile would greet the empty walls. A dress would be clinging off her curves and showed the flab she managed to hide behind the loose clothes she usually wore. She wasn't skinny nor was she obese. Just ten pounds overweight. According to the society norms, she wasn't considered to be beautiful. Compliments were never bestowed upon her. She didn't want them either. In the end, she hated herself- she hated what she had become and the way others saw here. Never the girlfriend, always the friend.

I would turn my back towards the mirror. Liza would call my name and tell me to show her how the dressed looked. I'd quickly slip out of the dress and change into my clothes. I would lie to her and tell her that the dressed didn't fit.

Dishearted, I always ended up buying baggy clothes. Liza would click her tongue and say 'why do you buy these? They're so dull'

"I don't care," I muttered under my breath, turned my head to look out the window. This is the last thing I wanted to share with him.

          "You'd look amazing if you wore clothes your size," Amazing, yellow red Butterflies, blue jays, and humming birds- fluttered uncontrollably inside my stomach.

Don't pay attention to them- they'll fool you again.

"This is my size,"

          Why were we even having this conversation? He was supposed to explain everything that happened in Enlighten  today. It's like he's purposely avoiding the topic.

          "It's not," He argued, fiercely. Why does he care? From the corner of my eye, I could see him getting all worked up. "All you ever wear are these baggy hoodies and sweaters,"

I snapped- I knew I wouldn't last long- my temper was as brittle as a thin icicle placed under the pounding summer sun.

          "Why do you care what I wear and what I don't? It's not like we're dating. You kissed me and you haven't even tried to ask me about my feelings! I know we barely escaped Enlighten. I know I shouldn't be yelling at you for something as stupid as this but I am! Okay?"

          There goes keeping your mouth shut part. Air filled my lungs as rapidly as it left.

          Devlin didn't look shocked or hurt or angry or confused. He looked amused and that made me feel like a little kid.

          He opened mouth and said the dumbest thing I've heard. "Are you hungry?"

"Seriously?"

          "Well you wanted me to ask you something so there you go,"

Can someone give me sledge hammer? Because I want to kill him at this freaking moment. Yet at the same time I wanted to hug him tightly and never let go.

I began laughing and soon he joined me. We laughed and laughed. Honestly because it was all we could control at the moment. We couldn't control our feelings, our twisted reality, and our impending doom.

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NOTE: beautiful pic and song on the side>>>

So basically this entire chapter was spent in a car ride. It's okay if you want to kill me. I totally understand. This was supposed oh-la-la big revelation chapter but it ended up being erm... this?