Trigger warning- eating disorder chapter. I've put a warning on the whole book because every chapter will be triggering in some way, but this one I'll put one for specifically.

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Next Day.

I didn't go to school just as Taehyung asked. My mom was worried I was sick, so she called in today too. That means regularly being checked on, regular meals, and being loaded down with a years worth of hugs.

I laid in bed the whole day because nothing seemed worth getting up for. That made me being sick even more believable. So far, I've gotten out of eating breakfast by telling her I ate an apple when I first woke up. I didn't really eat an apple. There are about 19 grams of sugar in an apple. I can't eat even one.

It should be study period right now. I checked my phone. Surprisingly, there wasn't any text messages from any of the guys. Maybe it's because to get rid of 'the source' they need to ignore me the whole day. I can't say I'm too bothered by it. I don't reply to their texts anyways, but it still hurts that they're intentionally leaving me out.

I checked snapchat. Jungkook, Taehyung, and Jin were the only two who posted onto their stories. I sighed as I clicked to see Jungkooks. I check his and Hoseok's story. Jungkook's because he's the least cruel one. He won't call me out if I don't respond with endless praises. I check Hoseok's because sometimes he posts bits of dance covers.

His story just had the well-loved couple. Jin looks like he's talking to Taehyung. You can tell Taehyung doesn't care though. Sometimes when we're all sitting down, talking or not, Taehyung will drop his charming smile and this bored-almost blank look will take over. It's sort of like his every emotion is just a mask. The only time he looks amused is when the topic is about him, people are doing as he says, or when he's hurting my feelings. This photo captures that well enough.

I turned off my phone screen and stared up at the ceiling. I'm both physically and mentally worn out. These days, I don't feel too hungry at all. Whenever I do, I'll sleep away the hunger. The last actual meal I'd eaten was a week ago now. My mom wanted me to eat dinner with her, so I did. It ended up down the toilet less than 20 minutes later. I still drink water. If my body gets too tired, I'll drink a bottle or two. Yesterday, I think I just needed some water. I felt a bit better after drinking it.

In the span of a few hours I've had a lot of random thoughts. One being my weight. I've made a goal now. I want to be 95lbs. I'm 110 now. In a little over 3 months I've only lost  24 pounds. My body doesn't lose weight easily. One other thing I've thought about was what I'd tell my mom if she asked me what I've eaten for lunch.

Surprisingly, she didn't come by and ask. I was fine with that. It's easier for me that way. Honestly, even if she called in, she might be busy working from home.

I sighed and checked my phone again. Still no text messages. Jungkook's posted more on his snapchat. I opened it to see Jin holding a cake.

One of them probably left to pick up one during break period. If I was there they'd probably offer me some and make fun of my weight after my first bite. Jokes on them, I'd just excuse myself to purge.

I clicked on the photo to see if there was another. There was a video. It was all of the guys clapping and singing happy birthday to Jin. Jin blew out the candles. Taehyung took some of the frosting from the cake and swiped it down Jin's cheek. Everyone laughed. Especially when Jin took some and put it on Taehyung's nose. Jungkook laughed too, so the camera was a bit shaky.

I wish they'd accept me like that too. If I was there, they may not have had as much fun as they're having now. I really was the source of the problem and it wasn't even meaning to be. I just wanted to be someone they could truly be friends with and complement.

I felt like crying again.

I sighed and turned off my phone screen again. Just as I did it, it vibrated and lit up. Jungkook sent me a text message.

Jungkook: you ok, Chubmin? How's the day been?

He's checking on me again, but then still calling me that nickname. What did I ever do to deserve any of this?

The nickname, the laughing, weight jokes, being told to stay home, and being told I'm "the source of the issue". I feel stupid for always crying, but I can't hold myself back when all they do is act the way they do.

Like always, I didn't reply. I tossed my phone to the foot of my bed. Ensuring that I don't look at again. I closed my eyes and let myself cry. My tears rolled down the sides of my face. I covered my eyes with both my hands as I cried. My whole body began to shake as my crying progressively got worse and worse.

I really just hate them. I hate them and the whole school. The classes are pointless. Their friendship is pointless. Food is pointless. Basically nothing matters to me anymore. All I want is for it all to just stop. I went through this with my dad and I can't take it again.

I took deep breaths and tried to calm myself down. I had the worst headache by the time I stopped crying. I rubbed my eyes with my palms. Even once I calmed down from my miniature mental breakdown, I left my hands over my eyes. Sighing heavily to myself before dragging my hands down my face.

"Honey, you not feeling any better? I've made you some soup. There's more downstairs for dinner too" my mom said from outside my door.

"Uh- thanks, mom." 

I hurriedly got up. When I opened the door, I avoided her at all costs, but her hold on the bowl tightened.

"You've been crying" she stated.

I shook my head and didn't raise my head.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

I shook my head as my eyes welled up all over again.

I'm the type of person who cries harder when asked 'are you crying?' or 'what's wrong?'. Even now that I'd gotten myself to calm down minutes ago, I can't help but cry again.

"Dear..." she trailed off.

I turned around and covered my face. I walked to my bed and sat down on it. Sobbing into my hands. I heard my mom come inside and set the soup down on my desk.

"What's wrong?" She asked again.

She sat beside me. Rubbing circles into my back.

"I-It's school. I can't take it here" I spoke honestly.

She hummed.

"What's the matter?"

"I-it's just the same. It all feels the same" I said.

"Same as what, Jiminie?"

I hated to think about my dad. I especially didn't want to bring him up to my mom. Only, because of the guys, I'm forced to. They are the same as him.

"When dad w-would hit us and tell us horrible things, b-but then say it's okay to tease us because we're family. I-it really feels the same at school" I whispered.

I whispered it because if I spoke any louder my throat would tighten up. It would feel strained and burn. I would be a stuttering mess. In fact, I might not have gotten more than a sentence out because I would've choked up and couldn't continue afterwards.

She stopped rubbing circles into my back. I glanced over at her. She looked at me with a protective look in her eyes.

"Is anyone bullying you? I'll see to it that they're kicked ou-"

"N-no. I just... the atmosphere feels the same is all." I half lied.

People are bullying me. Technically that's what it is. Even if they say they're my friends. I'm constantly hurt because of them. I won't get any of them kicked out for it though. Again, better them than everyone else.

"If you want to transfer, there's a high school I pass on my way to work. You'll have to wake up a lot earlier, but when I go in, it wouldn't be difficult to drop you off in the mornings. I just figured you'd go to this one since its so close to home and you could take your time in the mornings."

There's no point in doing that again. Who knows how the next one would go.

"I can't handle another school change."

"I really don't want you to ever feel pain like that again..." My mom pouted.

I gave her my best "just leave it be" look.

"If it's ever too much then tell me and I'll get you out of there. This time you'll have a nice uniform to make a good impression with since money is no problem for us again. We're comfy- more so even" she smiled. She spoke happily like she was trying to lift the mood.

It doesn't help any.

"Tell you what, how about for christmas we go on vacation? Just because we can, you know? It'll help you get away for a bit too. Where do you wanna go?" She tried to redirect the conversation a little.

I only frowned. This didn't help either. Even if we went on vacation, I'll still feel just the way I do now. I don't want to waste her money.

"I don't feel like traveling" I said.

"That's ok! Then what else would you like?" She shrugged.

I looked down at my hands. I rubbed my thumb against the nail of the other. Focusing on how dry my cuticles around it are. They're peeling because I'm dehydrated.

"I don't know anymore..." I responded after a short while.

I felt her arms wrap around me fully. She pulled me closer to her with ease.

"Are you sure you're ok?"

I shrugged and leaned in more, letting her hold me. It's nice to be comforted.

"I'm ok. It doesn't matter. Besides, I remember you were so stressed about barely having the money to buy this house. It stresses me out thinking money may be an issue in the future so we shouldn't spend it impulsively." I said.

If we struggled moving here, why bother travel. Why transfer me to a new school and buy me a new uniform and books. I can endure this school with my friends. We can just celebrate christmas at home.

She pulled away slightly to look at me. She had a confused look on her face as she shook her head.

"Money was only an issue then because after leaving, your dad took half of what I'd saved up for this place. It wasn't us. Your fathers like a bum." She explained.

I nodded my head.

Doesn't mean we won't ever struggle again though.

Me nodding the head seemed to end the discussion in total. She smiled softly as she held me close again. Squeezing my arm once over.

"You know-" she said with concern. "Have you lost weight? I hadn't even realized, but now that I'm holding you like a baby, I can feel how scrawny you are. Are you really doing ok? Eat the soup, come on. Before its cold." She stood up quickly.

Pulling the seat out from my desk and gesturing for me to come sit down.

I ran my fingers through my hair, brought myself to my feet, and forced a smile.

"Y-yeah, ok. Thank you for this by the way." I said.

"Oh and jimin, if you ever want anything, just let me know. I get it for you. No more worrying about money, we're fine."

I looked her in the eyes. She smiled at me sadly. You could see in her eyes that she was upset. I upset her because I'm worrying her.

I sat in the seat. Pulling the bowl closer to me and raising my spoon in the air. I smiled a bit again and ate a bite in front of her.

She sucked in her bottom lip before nodding her head. She clearly was concerned. She just didn't want to say anything. She probably doesn't want to upset me more. With that she nodded her head. Tucking her hair behind her ear before turning and leaving silently. Closing the door behind her.

I looked down at the soup and sighed. I don't want it to go to waste, but I'm also not hungry. Still, my mom puts a lot of effort into cooking meals for me. They make me fat though. She serves me too much.

Who knew a bowl of soup could make someone tear up.

I don't want to eat it.

Still, I gagged it down. Quickly shoving spoonful after spoonful into my mouth. Sometimes before fully swallowing the bite before. I breathed into irregularly as I felt it run down my throat. I hate it.

I dropped the spoon into the now empty bowl. Staring down at a distorted version of it. It was blurry from my tears that began to overflow and fall.

My stomach felt full. It felt disgusting. Like it's trying to tear itself out of my bodY and run away. It probably hated eating just as much as my mind does.

I lifted my shirt up. Pinching the fat on my stomach. Bending forward to grasp it between my index finger and thumb. I pinched it hard as if that'd make it disappear. And I let it go to join the rest of my fat. I shouldn't have eaten that soup.

I should've just flushed it. It's going there now that I've eaten it anyways.