Trigger warning: there's a scene with abuse in the end. Please skip if you're uncomfortable with it.

January 2019

I stuck my pen in my hair bun and scrutinized what I had written down. It felt as if there was a ball lodged in my throat.

It had been months since I slept properly.

Names floated around in my head. Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Borderline Personality disorder. I threw my phone on the bed and groaned.

I didn't know what I was trying to find. Maybe I did know, but I was too scared to admit it. I stared at my inscrutable scrawls and scribbles and circled the common symptoms between the two disorders.

Unstable relationships, history of suicidal behavior, frequent mood swings, difficulty in controlling anger (leads to physical fights), explosive verbal, and behavioral outbursts.

No matter how much I tried, I couldn't stray my eyes away from a particular column. I thumbed my way across the words.

In Intermittent Explosive Disorder, explosive verbal and behavioral outbursts are out of proportion to the situation, with no thought to consequences, and can include

Shouting, slapping, shoving or pushing, physical fights, property damage, threatening or assaulting people or animals

I let myself say the word abuse again and again. It seemed foreign, yet so familiar to me. I had searched for the meaning of the word a few days ago. It was an amusing word, abuse. It meant 'to treat with cruelty or violence'. It made me want to laugh and retch at the same time.

Recently, all the words seemed amusing to me. Abuse, violence, cruelty, and toxic. They were all so amusing that they made me want to laugh forever. I don't think I knew how a normal person behaved anymore. And maybe that was a good thing.

When I heard the front door open, I stashed my journal under the bed and fumbled to clear my search history. Noah shoved the door open just when I had finished erasing everything from my phone. His grin was ginormous.

He was holding a  bouquet of roses in his hands, "Roses for my beautiful lover."

 When he swooped down to kiss me with the flowers behind his back, I felt a sense of irrational sense panic take over me because what if he knew? What if he knew what I was thinking about? The words I spelled out were still on my tongue, bitter, so bitter that he surely should've tasted it too. 

But he didn't notice. He just smiled and told me how lucky he was to have me and even though I wanted to believe the worst was over and everything would be alright, I knew that that wasn't the case. Even as I wove my fingers in his hair and kissed him, all I could concentrate on was my trembling hands and about when everything would fall apart.

He laughed and told me that he got a job someplace nice with the help of a friend and I stopped listening altogether. There was a question in my head, pounding its fist against my skull and demanding an answer.

Will he ever hurt me?

I looked at his wind-swept hair and grey eyes full of love and thought, of course not. He could never hurt me. This man loves me with all his heart.

Noah grinned and I noticed that his teeth looked similar to an animal's. A little too sharp to be human, a little too bright to be normal, but just perfect for killing.

I hugged him and I told him I loved him and that I was proud of him, all while thinking, knowing, that this man would never hurt me, not even in my dreams.

But deep down inside me, from the abyss swirling in me, I heard a voice scarily similar to mine mock that I was getting better at lying to myself.

***

I carefully placed the bacon beside the scrambled eggs and placed it on the dining table. I tried to smile when Noah kissed the side of my head and plopped in the chair in front of me, "Looks great, Abby."

I nodded and mutely chewed on my eggs. He seemed to be in a good mood.

But I couldn't be too sure about anything. Sometimes he was really good at hiding what he really felt like and even the smallest of the inconveniences set him off. He was like a ticking time bomb. I needed to handle him with caution.

I tested the waters by casually mentioning, "I'm thinking it's time to search for a job. I think I've had too much time off."

After we finished college, Noah had insisted that I needed rest from everything and that I was too weak to work. Besides, he said, I already have enough money to provide for both of us for years.

What he didn't tell me was that the thought of me leaving him even for a second scared him. He didn't tell me, but I knew. I knew it from the growl which escaped his lips whenever I asked about it, from the way he looked ready to pounce in front of me if I tried to leave. He was scared of losing me.

And in all honesty, I was scared of losing myself, too.

His hand tightened around his fork and sirens started blaring in my head.

Shit shit shit shit that was so stupid I shouldn't have said that I shouldn't have-

He smiled, "Whatever you think is best for you, Abby. I just want the best for you."

My shoulders sagged. Of course. That's what he wanted for me, the best. Every scolding, every scream, every kiss which made my lips bruise, it was all for me. He was shaping me, making me the perfect version of myself. He was like a chisel, slowly carving me into a masterpiece. Under his touch, I was becoming. I was unraveling. And it didn't matter if it hurt because all that matters is the outcome.

I ran a nervous hand through my hair and pulled it into a messy bun. He seemed to be in a good mood. It's time.

"Noah?"

He hummed, giving me that lopsided grin of his. I felt myself relaxing. Maybe this won't be so hard, after all.

I swallowed the last bite of my eggs, which suddenly tasted like the most flavorless shit in existence, and tried to look at him, "Uh... I think we should get you to a therapist."

The fork clattered on the plate. He became so incredibly still that I was sure that time had stopped moving.

"What did you say?"

Shut up shut the fuck up stop stop stop stop

But I couldn't stop talking. The words spilled out my mouth, reeking of desperation, "I think that will be good for you, Noah. Therapy will help you sort things out. It has helped me in the past. I'm sure it will help you, too. You need it."

His voice was so calm and yet, I've never been more afraid in my entire life, "I need help?"

A yes tumbled out of my lips before I could stop it. I clamped my mouth shut, dread settling over my stomach like a cold, cold blanket. I couldn't breathe.

He smiled. And it wasn't the kind which was all sunshine and golden. It wasn't rainy skies and grey nights,  either. It was the kind of smile made of shrapnel and glass shards, of fire and the promise of pain. It was the kind which made you cower and flinch and scream in terror as it dug in your skin and got drilled in your head.

"Of course. Of course you'd turn it around so it's all my fault."

"I don't understand."

"You always do this, Abby. You fuck up, panic and make up an intricate situation so that I'm the one in fault. So that I'm the crazy and toxic one here."

What?

I've never seen him so angry before. He bought his fork down, hard, on the table, making the food fly everywhere due to the impact. I jumped.

He stood up and stalked towards me, like a predator circling it's prey," From the very beginning, Abby. You hurt me day after day, you hide things from me, you manipulate me and you don't even care about how your actions impact me. You blame all these shitty behaviour on your anxiety and I take it. I take all your bullshit because I love you and I stay with you through it all and I give you a home to live in and now, you fucking come to me and say that I need help?" He snarled, "You little bitch."

I froze. My mind was filling up with filthy words and mockings.

You liar, you manipulative bitch, you are so fake that you disgust me, it said.

And one look at Noah's face, I knew he felt the same way.

"Noah, please..."

But he wouldn't stop. He continued, his gait taunting and his shoulders pushed back angrily, "Why, is the little princess nauseous already? Drop the bullshit. Jesus, Abby. You make me want to throw up."

He was too loud. His words were piercing my skull and worming through my brain and I wanted to scream.

I couldn't move. I was paralyzed and scared out of my mind.

"You think I don't know that you still have that bastard Ethan's number saved in your phone?" He snarled, "And your Coah Harrison?"

There was too much going on. I could feel the texture of the carpet rubbing uncomfortably on my feet, the pain in my gums as I ground my teeth together and every sound around me. There was a pain growing in between my brows and spreading through my chest like threads of poison entwining in water.

Too many sounds, too many things, too many words, too many words.

I whimpered,"Shut up. Please shut up. Please. Please."

He shuddered and I could see the disgust filling up every cell of his body, "You and Harrison. The way he sees you and the way you act around him like a slut. I am appalled."

I wanted to throw up.

He wouldn't stop talking.

"Shut up shut up SHUT UP!" I roared, holding my head and trying to see through my blurry vision. Everything seemed so far away, like a nightmare I was witnessing from outside my body.

Everything around me was burning. At that moment, I was a timber of wood amidst a forest fire. All I could do was burn, burn, and burn. My body was singed and my soul was already among the ashes.

His hands were around my neck and I couldn't help but relax. I was suffocating, and I could feel my lips turning blue but just the idea of death seemed so good. I was so tired and I just wanted it all to stop.

Against my own will, I could feel myself trying to claw my way out of his grip. My vision was tunneling and I don't know if I was dreaming, but I could've sworn that his eyes were red as he laughed.

He took one hand off my neck and pulled it back to slap me, "You make me so angry."

He slapped me, and I felt myself slipping out if consciousness. I let out a final plea,"Noah."

The flames around me must've briefly grazed his hold, because he let go as if he had been burnt after hearing me. I fell down to the floor, gasping and gagging.

He looked as pale as death, "Oh my god."

Silent tears streamed down his face," I don't know why I did that, Abby. I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I don't know why I did that. I can't live without you, Abby. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

He reached out to me, and this time, I didn't flinch. I broke down, charred and scared, and cried among the ashes, letting the fire wrap its arm around me.

***