Sometimes I wonder if this was how my story was meant to be all my life.

My mother and I were similar in more ways than I liked to admit. We both fell in love with men who weren't supposed to be loved.

In my most wretched days, I think of my father. If I closed my eyes tight enough to see white spots dancing in the darkness, I remember. I remember the days in which I skipped along the road sipping lemonade with no trace of worry. I would tug his hand every once in a while and yell, "Daddy! Daddy look!"

Thinking back on it, I never really know if he loved me. If his smiles meant anything at all. I guess it would remain a mystery forever. And I was grateful it would be that way.

But I did remember the hushed whispers in the dead of the night which woke me up. They never yelled, but the loathing which every word carried always made me flinch.

My mother, she taught me a lot of things which I wished I never knew.

Be resilient. Be patient and believe you can mend things which people say are meant to be broken, she would say.

My mother, she was a sad woman. She would often look out of the window and weep softly, and when I asked what was wrong, she'd simply smile and say, "Nothing at all, honey."

And she loved my father. She loved my father with such a blinding passion. And she forgave him, over and over and over again. Because that's what you're supposed to do, right? Forgive and forget, because if you don't, who will? Hold your family together. Sacrifice your happiness. All that matters is love.

She tried. Every day, she would tear herself apart just so she could heal my father. She showered him with so much love, that I would often ponder how she didn't run out of love yet. Maybe at one point, she did. Maybe at one point, she ran all out of love, and all she could give him were her tears and desperate cries saying, "I love you. I love you."  Because that's what love is all about, right?

But it was never enough.

And one day, he left. Mom never said where he went. I never knew if he left her for the love of another, or simply because the world became too much for him. Either way, my mom knew she had failed.

It still puzzles me to this day. Where did she go wrong? She did everything she could. She endured his wrath, his mistakes, and his flaws. She accepted him even when he came home smelling like someone else. She knew that he was ugly, and she told him that it's okay and that she wasn't perfect, too.  And oh, how she loved him. She kissed him and said such sweet things that made my tooth ache.

What did she miss? Every book, every movie, every lovesick human, everyone told her that love hurts. Love hurts and takes and makes you bleed but you have to endure it because that's what makes it beautiful. And you have to heal what's broken with love from the bottom of your heart and that love is the best medicine to ever exist. My mother did all that, then where did she go wrong?

My mother and I, we were a lot similar than I would like to admit. We both loved men who shouldn't be loved. But as they say, that's the sweet misery everyone has to go through for love. Without someone to hold you through the night, we are nothing.

But it doesn't matter even if their embrace is suffocating you slowly, does it?

As I gaze at Noah, I chant the only thing which is holding me down.

I will be patient. I will be resilient. And I will mend things which are better left broken.
***
"You're staying with your boyfriend? Till when?" A pause. "Well, when can I meet him?"

A sharp shake of head, silent disapproval. I cast my eyes downwards.

"Not now, mom. Things are pretty hectic now. Maybe later." I couldn't get a single word out without slurring. When did it get so hard to simply speak? "I'll be staying here sometime after finals get over. Got some things to take care of."

I could feel her discomfort through every pause which ended up being a little too long.

"Mom, you know him. You did talk to him on phone for a half-hour. You know I'll be fine."

Her voice brightened, "Of course! Noah is a gem of a boy! I'm just... We miss you, Abby."

A gem of a boy.

He is, isn't he?

Hands tightening on the bottle, pills tumbling out of its mouth into mine and water. My head ached.

"Take care, honey. I love you."

The line went dead. A feeling so ugly spreading through my chest. Pursed lips, crumbling demeanor, and a cry for help disguised.

"Love you too, mom."
***

Noah was screaming.

I lost track of what it was all about. My chest was hurting and I couldn't concentrate on anything. I just sat idly, unable to control the tremor on my limbs. He looked terrifying.

"Stop looking at me like that!"

I didn't even have the energy to cry. I was so confused, "Noah, love, I didn't even say anything. Why are you mad at me?"

He laughed, an unhinged and manic sound, "Why am I mad? Why am I mad?" he leaned in closer, his teeth bared, "You don't even have to say it, Abigail. It's all written on your face. You look at me like I am some sort of appalling creature. You hate me, Abby. You think I'm pathetic and that I deserve to die."

I bit my nails and pulled. My heart was beating at a speed which I didn't think was possible. I could sense a bad panic attack coming. I rose from my chair, reaching out to get my meds from the table. His eyes flitted to the bottle of pills and burned brighter.

He snarled, "You are not even denying it at this point, are you?"

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

He sounded desperate now, like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me. He tugged his hair with enough force to pull it off his scalp, "I don't deserve this! They were the ones who tortured me every single day! And now, just because they're dead, they become some sort of heroes? Just because I think they deserved what they got, I'm a villain?"

He's mourning. He needs time to adjust and get back to normal. And I should be considerate. Because I love him and if I didn't understand what he was going through, who will?

"Noah, I love you so much. I could never-"

"LIAR! All you do is lie!" he bellowed.

I darted towards the pills, but it was too late. Noah took hold of it before me, opening the cap and emptying all of its contents to the floor. I fell to my knees with a shrill cry, seeing the last and only source of my comfort rolling away in every direction.

It felt like someone was poking white-hot needles in my throat, but I didn't cry. I slowly craned my head and stared right at his mercury eyes," Why?"

His shoulders sagged and skin whitened. Realization of what he did dawned onto him. His eyes were glassy, his stance like the one of a frightened animal, "I'm so sorry. Abby, I'm so- Why did I do that?"

I started collecting the pills one by one. My teeth were chattering and all I wanted was to get away from him, "It's okay. It's okay. I know you didn't mean it. It's okay."

It's not okay. It's not okay. It's not-

He shook his head rapidly, crying, "It's not okay, Abby. Fuck."

He came towards me, ready to wrap his arms around me. Before I could stop myself, I flinched and moved away. My hand stilled.

"I didn't mean to do that, Noah, I swear."

But he wasn't listening. With one last hurtful glance, he stormed away from the room, slamming the door shut and leaving me alone to pick up the pieces he abandoned.

***
"Abby."

I ground my teeth and silently chastised myself for getting spotted. I left my dorm after giving very little information about it to Sarah and have been avoiding her ever since. It was easier to hide as we just had to write exams for the past week. How terribly unfortunate that I had to get caught during the very last day of college.

I sighed and slowly dragged my eyes up from her scruffy sneakers, coming to terms that my streak of luck was finally over," Hey Sarah."

She didn't even bother hiding her shock. She gasped, a hand flying to her lips, "Jesus, Abby. You look terrible."

She looked the same as always. Hair in a messy bun and blue eyes sparkling. She looked so achingly pretty that I couldn't help but hate her a little.

I rolled my eyes and started to leave, "I'm so glad to listen to your kind words after such a long time."

"No, wait!" She pulled me back by my arm, "Abby, I'm serious. You look like you haven't slept or ate for weeks. What the hell happened to you?"

My hand went to my face self consciously. Sarah was right. I did look like shit. I couldn't even stare at myself in the mirror without feeling the disgust rise up to my chest.

I crossed my arms across my chest, "I've been pulling some all-nighters. What do you want?"

Her voice softened, "We don't even talk anymore, Abby. You never told me why. I miss you."

And for the first time in a very long time, I told someone what I really felt, "Yeah. Yeah, I missed you too."

It almost became too much to bear when her eyes brightened and she pulled me in for a tight hug, but I managed not to cry right then and there, "So we're good?"

I smiled, "I guess we are."

We talked. And I wouldn't say that everything felt good because it wouldn't be true. There was a pressure in my chest, words in the tip of my tongue that were threatening to spill. What would I tell her, anyway? Would I tell her that I wasn't okay? Would I tell her that I didn't know what I was doing wrong and that the anxiety doesn't go away like it is supposed to even when he whispers that he loves me over and over again in my ear? Would I tell her that I lost count of the number of pills I swallow every day? What would I tell her?

She beat me to whatever I was trying to say, "Abby, I need to tell you something."

I grimaced, already knowing that this wasn't going to be pretty, "Shoot."

"Noah... he isn't good for you, Abby. This thing you guys have got going on is breaking you down. Your relationship is incredibly toxic and even emotionally abusive. I can see it. I knew he was no good from the beginning, but I just didn't know how to tell you. Please, Abby, don't do this to yourself. Don't-"

How could she say that? How could she?

Sudden anger flared in me, "You know nothing, Sarah. We love each other and I need to be there for him. That's what love is all about, not turning my back on him as soon as some minor inconvenience happens."

She stepped away from me, surprised by the frost in my words, "Abby, I-"

I pointed my finger to her face, unblinking, "You. know. nothing. I don't want your pity, Sarah. I'm fine."

I walked away from her feeling hollow, the words toxic and abusive sticking in the back of my tongue, bitter and rotting.

***

I liked the dark.

The dark was my friend, my confidante. I never understood what the big fuss about darkness ever was. Why fear something so natural? There was no light in the beginning. No sound, no moment, no life. Just never-ending, all-consuming black stretching everywhere. 

The dark is beautiful. Learn to embrace it, to get used to it. Because even in your happiest moments, there's always an abyss lurking deep inside you. The only constant in our life is darkness; We see it, our ancestors felt the silky nothingness slipping through their fingers and so will our children. 

We are children of the dark. So next time you sit alone, surrounded by darkness, don't be afraid. Lean into its embrace and exhale. If you're lucky, it'll even whisper the secrets of the universe in your ear.

I hummed under my breath and let my eyelids flutter close, not bothering to open them when I felt the space beside me in the bed dip. He was silent for some time, just listening to my breathing and basking in the quiet of the night. 

I scooted closer to him. It was moments like this which made me realize why I fell in love with him in the first place. It was not because of his smile or his kisses or even simply because his darkness exceeded my own. I loved him simply because. 

Love is a strange thing. It doesn't need reasons or confessions. It just gives and gives and gives.

He put an arm around my waist and pulled me to his chest and I knew. It was painful, but I knew that I loved him. I loved him, loved all of him and I was so ashamed of my own ability to love for the first time in my life. My ability to look at a demon and to see an angel instead, my ability to mean it every time I tell him that I love him even after all that happened.

His hand was in my hair and that was enough to make me remember what peace felt like," 'M sorry."

I didn't respond. I pressed my lips on his chest and said, "Darkness."

"Unstoppable."

"Venom."

"Anger."

"Spiralling," I said.

I didn't need to look at him to see that he was crying, "Falling."

"Falling."

"Falling."

***

A/n.

does it ever make you uncomfortable? the fact that you can actually understand why abby loves noah even if he's so toxic? man, it's so scary because love does these things to you, and sometimes, people can't help it. they can't leave, not only because they're afraid of what will happen to them if they do, but also because everyone keeps saying that any offense is forgivable if a person loves you. that you should learn to forgive people if they hurt you just because they love you. it's all so terrifying.

I hope all of you are doing okay! Take care and never forget to put yourself first <3 and please remember, love doesn't have to hurt. love is supposed to be your safe place, not another battle you have to face at the end of the day. don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

I adore every single one of you <3 

p.s. just 2 more chapters to go! time flies T-T