5AM the moon went to sleep

I find myself awake in a drunken haze, vision blurry and soft like vintage photographs. The leather seat is cold under my fingers. I look at Louis.

He looks back with sleepy eyes, smile curled with fatigue and exhaustion around the edges.

Your friend speaking in tongues in the back seat
Just one little glance, I know what you mean somehow

Zayn is speaking. His voice is smooth and dark, filtering through the thick air filled with empty bottles of cherry wine and leftover smoke still lingering.

The golden light surrounds Louis, turning his hair the softest auburn. His eyes stay on me, the smile never fading, curving more and more.

He's still speaking, our attention is not divided, a background hum, it feels like. Nothing but the mellow curve of his lips, the gentle fire set to his hair, they all pull me to him.

He winks and tumbles into the backseat. Giggles loud as he and Zayn fall into a pile of limbs.

The wink keeps me up.

We're stealing moments, moments away
Why are we just not as good in the day?
Is it too soon to know if it's too soon to say for now?

I wake up in my bed. The hangover is still present as ever, the splitting headache making me want to bury myself under dirt again.

The metal around my neck is alien, the cold feeling of the pendant bringing up memories of last week. The nights all mix into one, flow together in a bizarre series, blending into one big mess of kisses we don't speak about in the morning, soft caresses we allow ourselves in the protection of the moon.

The mess is ours, a big beautiful pile of midnight messes. But in the day, he's never mine, I'm never his. We feed ourselves our lies, swallow down the idea of us together, kissing and touching, the sun keeping our golden bodies together.

I stop thinking about it, it's too much for my poor hungover self.

||

Can't feel my hands, you laugh like you do

He finds me among sweaty bodies and a mix of scents. I keep my freezing fingers in my pockets, shivering at the cold breeze.

He looks sharp, moon dances over his good side, cutting shapes against his face. He looks like every artist's dream. A Greek lover boy's muse.

"How are you not freezing?" I ask him, showing him my pale hands, white and cold.

He smiles and takes mine in his, they're small and don't engulf mine but he's warm and solid, beside me, with me. Under the stars, the foggy sky and the serene moon.

When I try to get away, he keeps distracting me with wet kisses and teasing touches. He keeps me with him, grounded, just there.

He kisses with a fervour. Claims the corners I allow him, smoothes out the edges he finds, keeping me, moulding me to fit him. Fit him too perfect to leave.

A month of late night snogs, feverish touches and heavy lids later, Louis finds me in the day. He waits for me till my break, a slice of red velvet on the table.

He looks divine as ever, eyes shining, dimple out, cheeks glowing. His hug smells of fresh detergent and spices.

I know you were thinking
Bad things when you kissed me, oh
Your tongue told me every lie

We all get high. Friday nights are the hardest.

Liam snogs Niall, Louis sits on my lap, Zayn passes out on the couch. It is a bleary, summery dream except my hands are still freezing and Louis' lips are still soft as ever. He smiles at me like he knows all the things I'm thinking of.

Of all my fantasies that end up in him being mine.

So we're slaves
To any semblance of touch
Lord, we should quit
But we love it too much

The next day we wake up with bodies tangled up in each other, stained sheets soft under us. His gaze doesn't meet mine. I don't dare ask more of him.

He doesn't give me more than a chaste kiss on the lips before leaving the flat. My hands shake when they trace the ghost of his kiss on my lips.

Streets filled with gentle fire and muted browns greet me, the leftover chill finding solace in my bones, under my skin. It doesn't stay. Not this time.

The cold slowly leaves, the last of his sunshine smiles kindling a warmth in me, an inferno unfurling slowly, keeping my heart unfrozen.

Paint a picture in my brain, encapsulate the fleeting feeling
It ricochets, replace my pain 'til every trace is leaving
The nerve of autumn time days flying by, every sunrise healing me
And we're okay, we'll live this way 'til it's done

His absence in my life is crystal clear, it's almost like a broken bone never set right, a little funny but still valid as ever. He's gone, I couldn't stop him and didn't want to either.

The ends of his golden laughter, ivory love and muffled smiles keep replaying themselves, giving me a piece of heaven. They don't fizz out.

I see him at times, moving about with his life. It is simply beautiful. Beautiful how us not being a constant in each other's didn't keep us from being a part of the world.

He stayed with me, stayed till the green faded, the sun sank down, the earth became cold. He stayed till every sunrise healed our broken souls, mending it with pieces of each other we didn't really need.

And it was okay. It was okay for him to take away bits from me, chip away my soul and leave me pieces that would fit.

Broken and lent.

I'm gonna miss you when it's done

It was obvious to everyone. In a way I brought it upon myself, building up a longing for him while neither of us really were ready for it.

I would miss him. When his absence truly sinks in. Until then the golden boy and his sunshine laughter remains with me.

As mine.

---

this is a separate one shot inspired by October (Alessia Cara) and Sedated (Hozier) for -loubeau