"falling in love isn't rocket science, yang. you chose to love me."
the origin of jungwon's trauma, and sunwoo's truth.

[in Kim Sunwoo's POV.]

2017.

We met in the spring of 2017. The colors were apricot orange, french blue, and multiple shades of purple. I fixate myself on the thought of him while hiding in the woods. In minutes, I'll kill myself.

I had forsaken his trust. I took it, left it to die, and watched it bleed with no remorse. 

But in those minutes before my death, I'll think of him. Yang Jungwon.

The original love of my life, even when half of my heart belonged to someone much different than him. 

It's unusually rainy. I forgot my umbrella at home, and on the way to school, we met. Nothing special when he shared an umbrella with him happened, but he had let my body take full coverage instead of his shoulder. What had been the deciding factor for me to get to know him was when he asked for my name.

"Kim Sunwoo," I had responded, giving him a crooked look. "Who's asking?"

"A friend," He clicked his tongue. His head turned, and his smile was rather wide. His grip on the umbrella tightened, a stare flickering past me. "I'm Jungwon. Do you like the rain, Sunwoo?"

"No, I don't," I didn't like gray. No shade of it. It was unusually eerie-looking, and gray was associated with negative actions or descriptions. For example, fog. If tears were opaque, they'd be a shade of gray. "The sky is crying. Do you like it, Mr. Yang?"

"Yes, I like it when it rains."

His short answer put me in a curious pursuit. How did someone, with such a bright smile, like an event that's covered in darkness? "Why?"

"Because," Was all Yang Jungwon said. "How do you know if the sky is crying good tears or bad tears? Maybe it needs to let out its frustration, just like the rest of us. You shouldn't judge its emotion the way you judge a human's reason."

Jungwon made a good point. However, wasn't he making a basic assumption too by crying because of emotion? Frustration? It would be wise to not be a hypocrite, what more, an optimist. But, that's in Jungwon's blood. To think positive.

"Aren't you quite an optimist?" It was a rhetorical question, but with the way his eyebrows had raised, Mr. Yang had an answer. "I'm unsure as to why you bother defending the sky."

Jungwon chose to ignore my second statement. "Gray is not always a bad color."

"Even all shades of gray?" I had revealed my thoughts through the way my words came out. Jungwon laughed, seeing right through me. It was evident: that Jungwon had a special power. Nothing unearthly, but that he could see right through me if I gave too much away about myself. Later on, I'd find out he'd be the same.

"I only ever see you wear blue and white, Ms. Kim," The bus arrived, and he let everyone pour in like a storm first before we entered. His gaze hardened at the sight of my mole, one right my eye. "That's the most depressing thing about you."

And he let the hurricane gray clouds rain its terror on my sapphire blue sweater.

It was ill-fated that he fell in love with me. With a girl who slashed everything in her sight by hating its color. It was ill-fated that Jungwon would fall for a girl who was eventually going to die, anyway.

I was watching the sky turn baby blue one day. Jungwon sat in front of me, nails beating the table to the rhythm of an old tune we played together. After the day in the rain, we instantly clicked. It's been months, but I could never tell him the truth as to why I loved the detail. Jungwon would never know, not even when I'm dead. 

"Have you ever..." His melody stopped, attracting my attention. "Taken a risk, Miss Kim?"

I shook my head, denying entry to his assumptions and intentions. "No."

Mr. Yang leaned back in his chair. His melodic hands had landed on mine, and my endless void of thoughts turned blank. "You're beautiful, Kim Sunwoo," His compliments through my heartbeat off its normal rhythm, skipping one on its normal beat. "Every day, you're beautiful."

And amid his beating eyes, one that succumbed himself to me, my eyes had done the same. "I suppose..." I whispered, fingers antsy to intertwine themselves with him. "I can take one risk with you."

And that was the origin of us. The beginning of an apricot orange that would turn hearts into withered black.

It wasn't his fault. It was mine. Not because of infidelity, but because I could never tell him how much I was suffering. The colors in my head were starting to die. 

"Jungwon, c'mon! Why are you going so slow~!" I whined, covering my face. I twirled under the almost dormant trees, and his silence pursued me to tease him further. This would be the only time I could convey my real feelings for him. "Oh? You're falling for me, aren't you, Wonnie~?"

"That's enough, Sunwoo," Jungwon said, flustered by my words. I sprinted at him, enlocking arms with his. "What are you doing?"

"Being cute with you, what do you think?" I rolled my eyes. "Look, aren't those flowers pretty?"

He gave me an absurd glance."You consider sakura petals a flower?"

"No, Jungwon, the cherry blossoms," I said, letting go of him. "You know, they represent love. A very passionate sort of love, one that's supposed to fall and forget. After all, they're only around for a season. Soon enough, they're gone again, only to appear differently next year. Although they represent the feminine beauty, I do hope... not all females leave like the cherry blossoms do, Jungwon."

And he'd never know that on that day, I had begun my peril of destruction. Of internal withering. There was more to it. It was my favorite day out of the days we were together because I could see the expression grow turmoil between us.

"Cherries are red. The fruit," I mentioned when his silence was unbearing. "The pigment in cherry blossoms are different. That's the difference between you and me."

That sentence had him stunned. "Huh?"

"When are we going to admit it, Mr. Yang?" I sighed, touching the cherry blossoms. "Haven't things changed?"

"No... what do you mean? Did I say something offensive?"

"What? No!" I giggled, shaking my head. "Tell me, Jungwon. Do you like fruits or flowers more? Oh, even better, Cherries or Cherry blossoms?"

"Stop being pointless," Maybe he believed his tone was too rough. Jungwon softened. "What do you mean?"

With his words, I knew that our love was dying. It was withering when it was about to become winter. That's why he learned to favor cherries over cherry blossoms.

"It's not a hard question."

"The way you phrase it, it is. I can't tell what you say when you phrase it like that."

"Falling in love isn't rocket science, Mr. Yang," I said. "You chose to love me. Stop trying to adapt to reading in between the lines."

And no matter how hard he tried to learn my actions, he never would. Just like this moment, Yang Jungwon would miss out on important details that would mistake him for life.

Jungwon gritted his teeth. "I can never understand you, Kim Sunwoo. I can't see through you anymore."

Maybe that was a good thing. I didn't want you seeing through the red sweater and skin.

"I wish I understood you more," I choked. I could read you like an open book thanks to your behavior. You became the worst version of me. Maybe that's why you'll miss me."But I can't."

There were many instances you became a bad man. More to count than my fingers could hold because your philosophy no longer differed from mine. You chose to abandon all that you knew for temporary flowers, but you'd never know it came to be that way.

The truth was that all I could see was red. Whether I could choose between Sim Jaeyun, the man I loved on the side of my scheme, or Yang Jungwon, the man who I loved my entire life, nothing could compare to the pain of being in a room with people you thought you could trust. The paintings on the wall were blood red. They took the color of my beatings in secrecy. When you thought I was a beautiful purple, the imprints on my skin were different shades of red.

For that, I cheated. I had an affair for the sole purpose of letting go of Mr. Yang. While I had deceived both men, I couldn't deceive myself. I wanted to put an end to my suffering, but I wanted them to move on without them knowing why. 

Because we had both made our mistakes, I chose to forgive you.

Loving a girl who was broken, only in her eyes, was the most difficult love. She thought differently, she sang different keys and refused the truth. I apologize to you, Jungwon, that you fell in love with the unforgiving and abused Sunwoo. You'd never learn how to master every color of the rainbow because you never painted artwork to distract yourself from true pain.

I'm sorry. For many years, I've been sorry. I'm sorry I'll lie to you for you to find someone who's like your favorite fruit. I'm sorry to Jaeyun who will never know that I used him, and I hope the next lover you come across can teach you the truth: that no color will be able to describe the beauty we hold inside. 

Whether it is me at my grave or the moon watching you with discontent, I will watch over you and her. There are many moments we share, but you will only remember sections of them to save face. If you remember that I'm dead, then farewell. I hope that this goodbye is as sweet as yours.

It's raining today as I prepare myself for its end. For the grand finale, I'll hold your note in a waterproof envelope. I know you were never bad, but even your love for me wasn't enough. Combined, nothing was ever enough.

A part of me wished I held your umbrella, but I don't think it rains in hell. I heard you calling my name as darkness overpowered me, but I didn't open my eyes. I didn't need to if it meant sworn secrecy that I'd never tell you the whens, the hows, and the whys.

After all, I'm not afraid of death.

The sad part? 

You always will be.