that's what he told me that day. "Rena, I want to be the one you depend on."
[ Liu Rena's POV ]

It's Wednesday, January 26th. Though this date may seemingly have no trace of significance, it is hours before my date of decease. I had this situated according to plan, and as I currently ache with lower back pain simply nothing like no other, I had wanted to get the show over with soon.

Of course, it's rude of me to want to get rid of my rotting corpse this easily. After all, the boy sleeping in front of my weary eyes was a fallen angel, guarded by light to come and keep me alive. Though I do doubt that sometimes, clearly seen by his pivoting gaze, I often go with the latter to keep me from dying on him at a sensitive time.

To my dismay, I never seem to know what actually goes on in his mind. He's such an expressive fellow that I can quite likely get the hint from the way his face contorts into motion. I had always wanted to crack him open like a sealed toy, inspecting his endless, imaginative thoughts at the brush of action. However, that would make me less needy and curious about his companionship. I like him too much to let him walk away, just like the day I went talking to the moon until I fell ill.

I love him more than I love myself. How adequate. 

Oh, and I apologize if my tone and the way I speak is a bit... funny? I bet that's how Jungwon called it early on if he ever mentioned it. I always try to use words he can easier comprehend now that we're attached to the hip. I know that in the early stages of our relationship, he always had an incomprehensible expression. Even for someone who takes AP Government, my words can often be ductile and cause dismay. My apologies.

Anywho, Jungwon has told me that he will be taking a test tomorrow, Friday. It's nearing midnight on a Wednesday, which means my time is almost up. It's perfect because, on other days, I will have to go through more tests if they choose to believe I'm still living. I'm the hospital's lab rat, making them believe I am unbeknownst to my countless "mistakes" on pills. Though, if I knew that I could live longer, I would've quarreled. Yet, knowing that I am on the brink of losing it all, I allowed it at the cost of my freedom.

Of course, again, it's not like I want to leave Jungwon on this wicked earth. I just want to value myself this time. I want to put myself first instead of always kissing the boy. Though we are the same age, he is much like a child. Yet, somehow, I learned to love the boy.

Someone knocks quietly on my door, to which I beckon them to come in quietly. The brunette is still busy knocking himself out in his intellectual brain, so the nurse smiles at the both of us before passing me the telephone. "Someone wanted to give you a call. Since you can't get up and walk to the reception desk, I decided to bring it to you."

"You allow such crude jokes. At least someone's okay with them," The nurse chuckles, bowing at me. Placing the phone between my shoulder and ear, I lean into it to keep it beside me. She then grins once more before taking her departure back to the other rooms. I clear my throat, hearing a somewhat monotone chuckle that gives me every answer.

"It's you."

"You please me in such a nice tone," His voice is easily sarcastic, precisely because I show him no valid emotion. I can see his face, the night-sky-haired man seemingly standing in front of me. It's good to allow a visual so that I could see his rather attitude-filled expression. "I suppose I'm giving you this call on late notice, hm? I had a feeling I should call you at this time."

"You are correct, it's late for goodbye calls and unnecessary tones that don't please this patient whatsoever," His chuckle becomes a more plausible one, to which I can't help but give him the smallest smile. "I presume you're asking about what will happen to Jungwon when I have left his wholehearted smile."

"Exactly so. When we presume your decease, and he is left with your presence nowhere to be found, what shall happen to him? You will no longer be the cause of such a virtuous boy's smile," Sunghoon is the only male I find that can similarize my tone and the way I speak. There is no doubt that he easily adapted that from me, but I won't give myself credit for helping such a two-sided man. "What shall it be then, Rena? What do you have in plan for the rest of Jungwon's future?"

"Why am I being credited for it when he must decide his destiny? I will no longer conquer his life, Sunghoon, so maybe you should take charge if you are so sure someone his age needs it. Though, I will say, he is old enough to make his own decisions. Whether he continues to mask himself as a different man, one can't blame him. You are not him, have we not discussed that frequently?"

I can already see the displeasure in his fading expression. He clears his throat, holding his deep feelings hostage. It was the only way to keep him from spouting more explicit nonsense that will no longer make sense when I'm dead. "I see you don't want to talk about Jungwon's aftermath, moreover think about it," I nod, even when he is unable to see me. "Then, tell me, Rena. Will you bring any regrets with you to your deathbed?"

"No," I don't have to hesitate, looking down at my numb hands. Even when I overexert my brain, they no longer feel needy to move. "I have done all that I can for myself. My life had revolved around Jungwon entirely, and the only reason I have not perished upon my own behalf is merely his doing. Now that he is content, though I may be the possible answer to running it, I am content. Aren't you?"

"No, not necessarily," Sunghoon answers swiftly, using a tone that I hear often when he has much to say. "I know that you know everything, Rena. From start to finish. About me, about Jungwon, about all the people you seem to have the heart to think of inside that cold-blooded body of yours. I don't mean to be arrogant, but you know that more than I do... that you're often insolent."

"For that you are correct, for some pieces you are not," I deadpan, making sure to keep myself at a not too violent tone so that my significant other may stay asleep. "I am insolent. Often, I don't feel able enough to be nice and gentle with people who are just like me. Like you," He doesn't respond, which gives me the leisure to continue my brash conversation with him. "I don't know things easily. Though for sure I am aware of my sister, Jungwon, and evidently you feel that way, I'm not a palm-reader. I can't read everyone's minds nor see through people. I am simply open-minded and aware because no one seems to allow me a peaceful life of indulged silence. You tell me everything. Jungwon tells me everything. My sister tells me everything. So, how am I supposed to get a moment's peace? Who do I talk to when I want to rant as well? Jungwon was the only person who had ever granted me that freedom of speech. That's why I am able to love him so well."

Sunghoon has nothing to say, which allows me to clear the tension-filled air. "That's why I didn't pick you. That's why I had no reason to go against your "better judgment" and tell me your envy from start to end, to which I only had to give you my best advice so that you wouldn't end up like me, like someone who chooses to be insolent for the people that orbit around them," I speak, soon exhaling. "It is not that I choose to insult and terrorize your inner mind like this, Sunghoon. Though I have reason to believe you are an antagonist to Jungwon, I choose to empathize with your jealousy and see through it. That is the only way I find myself seemingly connected to you, though I wish every other day that I was not connected to any drama surrounding what is somehow us."

I nearly choke on my words, words that seem to overflow at the thought of being bashed for things that I cannot control. "What am I supposed to not know? All of you spill it unknowingly that I am unable to catch my uncontrolled breath. It pains me to know that the day I die, you all may hide in your shadows never to have someone to vent to again. That's why I took on the job of a somewhat silent therapist so that it wouldn't happen. Now that the end is near, most of you wake up and blame me for mistakes far off my knowledge. Why?" I scowl. "Cold-blooded. Like a reptile. If I were to be one, I would've made sure to never have anyone touch me. Nobody except him."

"Why is it always him?" Sunghoon finds entry to a new, already-unfinished conversation, exiling me from continuing my investigation and ranting further. "Why is it always Jungwon?"

"You're good at asking the same questions though having learned of these values," I deadpan, chuckling. "My values correspond with him. We keep secrets. We have a rather adequate way of communicating. He's never lost his feelings for me, though we had a late start. He had stood clear of obstacles that hurt him and still took the risk. Would you have done that?"

His momentary silence gives me a vivid answer.

I let him recover from the long amount of words that spat across the telephone. All it ever was between Sunghoon and I was hatred. I had no positivity to give to him until he was to show up at my funeral and help my boyfriend become happier. "He told me I was beautiful. He told me that in those eyes that I started to desire, he'd be my anchor. That's what he told me that day. "Rena, I want to be the one you depend on." As if nothing else mattered, he told me that day I had meaning instead of being the world's punching bag, instead of being a broken rug that people still desired to get their feet cleaned upon."

"Have you... never told him these feelings of yours?" Though neither Jungwon nor Sunghoon could see my dead expression, I still shake my head. "I believe he'd be happy to listen to you for the last hours you live."

"I don't plan on pouring out my feelings to him all of a sudden on a silver platter. I already have written letters explaining things since day one. I... care about his well-being before my own. I care about every atom connected to his living body, though I shouldn't. I choose these feelings because he has chosen many on my behalf. A mutual relationship consists of these things, Sunghoon, that are vital to understanding. Just like Jungwon had yet to understand you, you have yet to understand the concepts he does. That's why you both have yet to meet on a mutual level."

"What makes your mutual level any different than ours?"

"We pick and choose, Sunghoon. That's what's fun and vital about it. We pick the words we want to say and choose how to refer them so that nobody gets hurt. Though we can be direct, and Jungwon often learns that from me, we've mentioned countless feelings that have protected us through everything. Jungwon has lots to learn from me as I have much more to learn from him. We just never had enough time."

"Time," Sunghoon exhales, and I could vividly see his head shake. "It's what I wish I had, too."

"It's never too late to do the right thing," I mention, hearing his low inhale. "You should come to my funeral whenever Jungwon has finished making it upon my choice. Though my dead body will feel your cold shoulder, I know that Jungwon would be delighted to have you there."

"I'll come."

"Such a swift answer. Had we not been quarreling?"

"It was not a quarrel, simply an awakening for the both of us," Sunghoon grins across the telephone, his genuine happiness showing across his inhale. "What shall you do for your last hours alive?"

"Ponder about what death is like and prepare me with every anxious heartbeat I have left," I respond. "My last minutes are spent in immense suffering, so I must brace myself for that too. Then, in my last hour, I will spend it with your friend and my lover.

"You love him deeply, and he can carefully reciprocate the same feelings for you. Must you go?" I chuckle at such a selfish question, one that would never come from Jungwon's lips. Only his friends'. I praise Sunghoon nevertheless for his rash attitude. "I know that I can't keep him content forever when you're gone. You pass such a rough job to me when you used to do with ease."

"I will continue to take care of him despite my departure, so do not care too much," I purse my lips, gazing at the softly snoring fellow on the couch. How... adorable, I presume. "He will make his way just fine as we have countless promises on behalf of millions of possibilities. I pressure he mourns for a few days, but will not mourn forever. I will go because I care about myself at this moment. I can't keep breathing ample breathes as I sleep short nights. The only reason I talk to myself at night is that I have insomnia, something that he has yet to know. Don't tell him that when I'm deceased, by the way. He will easily believe all the things I talked about to the moon were just crazy talk. I did have a real connection with the moonlight, so I can call it half-lie half-truth."

"You entrust too much knowledge onto me on such short notice, but I will do as you ask," I hum in content, causing Sunghoon to snicker. "...I hope you'll be fine on your departure to the afterlife, Rena."

He has yet to call my name in such a sentimental way. It is what I hate most. "I will be just content, Sunghoon. Do not give yourself such disproving worry. I appease myself to think that all of us will be just content. Don't you?"

"I suppose so, presumably because you ask for it," Sunghoon chuckles one last time, and after his short sigh, I know that his time talking has concluded. "It was nice knowing you, Ms. Liu. Your words leave an impact on me, despite ones that I may never get to comprehend."

I don't want to leave him at a questionable spot. "Send a letter to my grave wanting to know what you have yet to comprehend from me. I will only do it once for you because I shift pity on you."

"Thank you, Rena," He smiles behind his masked expression. "For pitying me one last time."

I do not respond, instead, I keep my silence before he ends the call. With a heavy heart, made from my aching symptoms, I sigh. Sunghoon was a good person who never got to show his good heart because he chose the wrong. It will hit him soon that being a good person was all that ever mattered, all before the truths and vents that he seemed to push upon his acquaintances- that he seemed to push upon me, too.

I continue to stare at your sleeping expression, my love. Though overly expressive, I can only love you like that. You choose the right words, the right phrases. You have control over what you wish to express, and your tears are often uncontrollable. That's okay, though, as I love the current you that never changes. I love you that is everlasting under cherry trees, ones you seemingly still like to pressure me about seeing even when I'm dead.

There is much about you that I have wished to keep away for me to never see. I feel that if I saw a new you, I'd wish to stay longer to see that new leaf turn. I promise for you to never see me in the eternal pain I will experience not long from now, one that has kept me awake forcibly without your knowledge. I do not wish to overexert your mind. I do not wish to overexert you.

All I wish is that you will be with me until the end of time or until you have chosen to find someone else. 

I can't have you forever. Just like Sunwoo couldn't either. We pick and we choose, don't we?

So I pick that you will keep us in the memories of your enormous, imaginative mind, but choose that you will find someone to fill up most of the space filled with thoughts of graduation.

I have so many wishes that I will never tell you because, at this moment, I can't help but put you first again. It's horrible that I do, especially when you are not the patient. It's kind of me, even though you will never say thank you because you are unbeknownst to these courageous feelings of mine.

It will be you and I until the end of time.

Him and I.

"You're still awake?" My eyes flicker to your eyes opening groggily. "Can I come rest beside you? Though I know I may move back here, I want to stay there."

"You don't need my permission. Come here," I beckon towards a smiling you, a beautiful Jungwon. You slide in beside me, shuffling me over just a bit to place your head on my shoulder. However, you notice the stray phone and pick it up. "Someone gave me a call. Just an old acquaintance."

"You don't have to tell me," He yawns, placing it on the nightstand beside him. That is why I chose him. "I love you, Liu Rena. Get some rest."

Though I may never get rest until later the passing day, I kiss his head. "I shall. Go to bed."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Jungwon."

I continue to look up to the moon knowing my insomnia. I take my deep inhale to reminisce of all the moments we had connected our hearts. I find that Jungwon likes to do this, too.

From the day he told me I was beautiful, from before then when he cried up from his hospital room, until this day that he may never get to see me again, I had feelings for him that were unchangeable. Nobody would make me feel the way Jungwon had yearned days to feel. He wanted to learn, and I taught him. He had merely taught me this way, too, so that we would have no need to cry and desire each other on different paths.

We had our fun, and though it may be over physically, it's never over spiritually. I will continue to have faith in his abilities, in his feelings of platonic and romantic love. Like the secrets of the way I speak to him, my insomnia, the continuous feeling of guilt and pity that is unneeded for him, I promise to tell him it all one day. Not in my letters, but when we have met again in another life, like destiny.

When I am able to walk again like someone "normal", though I've always been normal.

When I am able to raise my hands again like a girl who isn't "paralyzed", though I can't say I was always this way.

When I am able to love without hating on other things when that will never happen.

I guess we can assume Jungwon will never know until I learn my lesson. It's my response to be this way, but that is evidently enough about me.

Jungwon, someday you will find your proper footing. You have been unsure of many things, but you are surely someone who will learn to love things that you create unknowingly on the way. You are beautiful, from your loving words to your gracious acts of service. Whether platonic or romantic, it was great to have been someone you cared about even by a little bit...

Ouch. My abdomen hurts. Sorry, Jungwon, I'll have to cut my words for you here. Might die, you know, haha!

Sorry, unnecessary joke. 

I will value myself just a little longer, until the day where I don't have to forcibly do that to myself. Though you will always come first in my heart, my pain comes first to my nerves. That pain will inflict more knowing you will cry, but always, it will be you and I.

Goodbye in just a few hours, Yang Jungwon, where you will depart on your task, and depart from me for a while. I am unable to say it then, as I have no courage to face you at that moment.

I'll always... love you. No matter what you've become.

Always.

- cherry affairs is officially over! fill free to add your feedback to this text right here, as I promise to respond to all of them. i hope you enjoyed a rena and jungwon filled book, one filled with lots of heartbreak, unclear obstacles, and love. may we wish them a happy goodbye :)