will she ever be happy again?

I hold pitless cherries in my hands, in a somewhat white container. Two days have passed, and I guarantee she's awake by now. Though I should be enjoying time with my family at the end of November, they'd rather have me here away from the hustle and bustle at home. It's alright. I enjoy it here than facing them and accidentally spilling all the secrets that I hide from them.

I stroll down the hallway, step by step. I was worried that she may have lost her memory or something far more drastic than that. Though I have nothing to worry about, maybe I should've asked for more details from the surgeon. I wait by her door, wondering if I am prepared to face her. I think I am, at least. I knock, hearing her faint "come in" from the other side of the room. 

For a second, as I enter, I wonder what she had to say about me. About the situation. She couldn't get up, she couldn't use parts of her body. She was hooked to countless machines, more wires and pipes than I have seen on a person. Rena couldn't even see me. Her eyes were either closed or pointed to the ceiling, to which she could barely see the sun passing by. "Jungwon, you're here," She weakly smiles, her ears flinching slightly as I pull a chair closer to her bed. "You're on break for a few days, right?"

"Yeah, I am. I'll stay with you the whole time," I grin. I wish she could see it. I use my free hand to grab her's, lifting it even as it lays limp. I kiss it, and as she hears it, she opens her eyes. "Are you doing okay? Nothing hurts, right?"

"No, not at the moment. Did you... see me from the rooftop?" Rena questions, causing me to gaze away. "I'm sorry you had to see that. It must've traumatized you."

"What about you?" I ignore her concern for me, for someone who wasn't even hit. "You were just as traumatized. You were in the accident. Can't you care for yourself in this situation?"

She chuckles briefly, once gentle, then once weaker. "Jungwon, my fear of death... it no longer recedes so high. Surely, I'm scared of not seeing anyone again, but the pain... it feels common now. I no longer have to wince, to cry over it," She exhales. "It feels normal for me. You don't have to worry about seeing me in pain. The last thing I want is to have this picture of me in your head, afraid of all the things that could happen in the future."

"I can't be afraid of you, Rena. Nothing scares me more than losing you," I whisper, kissing her hand again. "I'll be fine with seeing you like this. We can still talk, right? And if you ever want to see the moon, I'll show you a picture of him."

"It's alright, no need to do so much for me at a point like this," Rena cheeses. "You have cherries, right? I can smell them. Do they have the pits in them?"

"No," I respond briefly. "I made sure you can eat them without worry."

"How kind. Do me a favor and take off the stalks for me?" I nod, removing my hand from her's. I open the container, taking one. I look at it, sighing. It reminds me of her. Whatmore, when she's gone? What will cherries become? I pull the stalk, putting it over her head. She widens her mouth, and carefully, I place it in her mouth. As she chews and swallows, she sighs. "What a hardship this will become. Shall I just give up?"

"You must hate trying," I say, doing my best not to pity her in this situation. "Do you want to leave me at this moment?"

"Of course not. However, wouldn't you like to put me out of my misery? I can't try forever. I've done it for almost two decades of my life. Though rest is an eternal statement, I can't help but want some," Rena explains. "I've always wondered what death was. Is it like passing out? When you can still think, but can't move? Is it where you're stuck in darkness, but can still talk? I want to become a butterfly, flying away in spring. That's how I wish death should appear- but I doubt it is."

"You've got a beautiful way of thinking, my love," I compliment her, placing another cherry in her mouth to keep her from spouting more nonsense about death. As much as I love her creative intuition, after a car accident, is it very necessary to be talking about it like that? I can't say I started it, though I might've. "They say you have until the end of January. Though, I don't know what the truth might be."

"I'll give myself until the end of January. I'll withstand it until the last week of it. When it comes, I'll put myself to rest and let the wind carry me," She smiles, nodding as she swallows another cherry. I continue pulling out stalks, waiting until she's done with one to put in the other. "Say, I have a favor to ask of you. Think of it as my death wish."

"I beg not to think of it that way."

"Whatever. Anyway, can you run errands for me every day in December and January? I know you're busy, but most of them are short," She asks of me. "A task every week. Then, you can come back and spend time with me. I know you can't guarantee to be here every day, which is completely fine. Education comes first."

"You come first, actually," I clear my throat, placing the rest of the stalks into the container before closing it. "I'll take an emergency absence from school. My parents nor teachers wouldn't mind."

"As long as you'll graduate," Rena huffs. "Here, scoot me over. Let's lay together and watch the ceiling together."

I don't refuse, lifting the blanket as I help move her to the other side of the bed. We lay together with just enough space, holding hands as I stare at the ceiling. She can't point, but I could feel her eyes making out pictures of different objects. Only she could see that. "To your left, there's a butterfly. She can't move because she has a broken wing."

I pretend to see it, looking at the patterned ceiling. I narrow my eyes, but all I could listen to was her story. "However, every day she persists through, trying to fly. In her mind, she sets a wonderous goal of flying even an inch. Every day, she continues to wear out her wings until they're strong enough to fly."

Rena inhales heavily, gulping. "She did it once. She flew an inch, but she damaged herself before the wing could heal. Now, only in the butterfly's mind may she fly. May she dreams of all the things she wished she could do, and now, only can she endure. Flying was temporary, but she still was happy she reached the sky. Even for a second... she reached what she had begun to think she could never do. Though a butterfly's wings may be tampered with, she had never given up."

It's her story without any details. She personifies as a butterfly, like a butterfly with broken wings. I can't help but feel the choke in my throat grow. I want to cry.

"When my wings heal, Jungwon, let's fly together," She grins, nodding just barely. Her head could move, even for a second. "When my wings grow and they are recovered, I want to fly with you."

But she wouldn't, would she? "Okay," I choke out, briefly stammering. "We can... fly together one day."

"Awesome," She says, and I could hear her eyes closing. I could feel her slowly drowse off. "...Let's... fly together one day. Just... for an inch."

And she's asleep, a hand entangled in mine.

When she's asleep, and I'm able to gaze up, I see the silhouette of the butterfly. I was finally able to see what Rena saw, even for a minute.

But like she said, it was only temporary.

I wished it was permanent.