there were so many things left unsaid.

Like Sunghoon wanted me, I walk back to the hospital a week later. I was still unready to face Rena, but I had reason to meet Chenhan. The horrid picture of her being wheeled away had hurt me enough to want to ask how she was. Chenhan would be the only one to answer me. Inside, I hope that their mother wouldn't be there. Maybe I should've guided myself to her father to apologize first.

I walk in, looking both ways of the hallway before dashing for Chenhan's office. My feet tremble by her door, holding roses in hopes that her sister may forgive me first. My hand raises to knock, but someone opens the door. Chenhan widens her eyes as she eyes me top-to-bottom, sighing. "I guess it was inevitable that you came. At least I rest assured you didn't give up, yet."

"I have no intention of giving up, Chenhan,"  She invites me in, allowing me to sit on her teal couch as she takes a seat next to me. The short distance between us gives me chills, especially when she may be upset with me. Besides Rena, Chenhan would also be the last person I'd like to disappoint. "Is Rena... doing okay? She's not... dead, is she?"

"No, she's not," I sigh of relief, Chenhan fixing the papers that lay adrift in all parts of the pine-wood coffee table. "Though, I don't blame you for that thought. We all thought she might've deceased, as well. Though, through surgery, we found that she still had a heartbeat. I don't know how much longer she can pursue on, Jungwon. It may be easier to say your goodbyes soon."

I hesitate, looking down as I clasp my hands together. "I want to talk to her again, but after what I did... do you think she even wants to see me again?" I ask, Chenhan raising her eyebrows as she looks over at me. "I want to tell her everything, but I've lied to her that day. Do you think she'll believe me?"

"Jungwon, it's easy to read you. I'm sure that it was the moment in time that her thoughts were so clouded, she couldn't tell if you were lying or not. She'll figure out the truth in a matter of time- though hopefully, it'll be before she can no longer speak," Chenhan clears her throat. "I hope that you do tell her everything. I hope that you're able to redeem yourself once again, except, with the same person. She's given you so many chances, I don't know how she did. It's love, after all."

My eyes falter, looking at the doctor's notes. Lots were written on it, but the only thing that caught my eye was one thing:

Liu Rena. Predicted to die in March. Even earlier may occur.

Chenhan turns the clipboard away from me, putting it on the other side of her so I wouldn't be able to read the rest. "You saw it. Maybe now, you'll make your move," Chenhan grins, patting my back. "However, if you feel unready, you have enough time. Just don't take too much time on things that may already be forgiven. I hope you know exactly what I mean. After all, you've gone through it days and days before."

I don't respond, watching as Chenhan stands up and watches me from above. "Oh, and may that day come where Rena and you will no longer hold hands, I hope that you do not mourn for her. She's told me countless times that if I were to sob over her dead body, that I would no longer be her sister. I hope she's told you the same thing as her boyfriend," Chenhan laughs. "I think the one thing she wants from you is to see you happy, even when she's dead. You acknowledge that, right?"

"I... yes, I do," I sigh. "I don't like to, knowing that I will cry. I acknowledge it to the point that I will cry for her."

Chenhan exhales, walking away from me and towards her desk. "It's inevitable, I presume. Grief is a natural human response," She responds. "You can go drop off her pills in the basket at the front of her room. I doubt you'll see her since she's been out in the courtyard every day since you last saw her."

Handing me the pills, she smiles. "Be happy."

She stares at me for a few seconds more than she wanted to. Her eyes tremble as I gaze back at her, and everything was clear. Maybe... Chenhan and Sunghoon would've gotten along if they knew each other's dilemma. Rena had always been right, but nobody would be too hasty to admit it- not when a pair was already electrified and connected. No spark would be fast enough to stop them. 

I should've known quicker from those seconds where she stared a little too long. I should've told her something before I walked out that door, but I didn't because my feet had already taken me to Rena's hospital room. I didn't because I didn't realize it soon enough.

I didn't know she liked me, too.

I slumber towards Rena's hospital room, inch-by-inch. I was afraid of seeing her in there and that she may find me, but my suspicions also agreed with Chenhan's: she'd be in the courtyard. There was not a day she'd spend time looking at daisies and carnations, brushing them just barely to feel the long petals that had grown from rain. I wish I had done it with her when I had the time.

I place the orange bottle of pills into the small, metal container. It hung right under her nameplate. I brush my fingers against the thin plate. I wish that there would've been many other solutions than the one I had come up with. I wish I had another way to preserve what I had left. Yet, she wouldn't want me to do that.

She'd want me to move on.

I make my way back to the lobby, rounding the corner and towards the wide windows. There, I see her. She faces away from the glass, head tilted just barely to face the clouded sun. The minutes pass, and her face continues to face the bright lights. Her hands are clasped in her lap, her nurse not too far from her. Even the nurse didn't know what to do, she felt so still.

She blocks out each disruption from her mix of feelings. I know, too, as she stares up at the other lover, she's trying to make it through. She's trying to figure out everything just as much as I am. Though I shouldn't care about her for now, I had worried far too long for her. She worries for herself. I know that inside, she's wondering about everything leading up to this point.

I can read her just as much as she reads me. Sometimes, it's not always a good thing.

I need to set my feelings straight. My love for her is everlasting, but a part of me accepts that our relationship won't. I just wish to see her happy, one more time, even if I can't do it myself.

I stare at her for a little too long. Just like Chenhan. It's evident, as people pass by with a weird look. She can't feel me staring, especially when everyone else is staring at her too. Maybe I'm happy that it's this way. I love her, but I can't look after her forever. 

She taught me that I had to care for myself, too. That means I have to love myself before I go back to her.

I promised Sunghoon that I'd go back to her by winter.

I guess I should start soon.

I turn away from her, you, Rena. I hope that when we meet, I no longer have to lie anymore. I promise you, I will not pretend.

I hope you, too, will be okay. I'll make sure to watch over you in mind, even when I can't look at you.

I'll smile at you for a little too long-

so that I can work on being better for you.