i had to hear it a million times to accept it: "it'll be alright."

I never realized how important autumn was until I looked for the first time. I gaze around with teary eyes, with a blur so insignificant to the solutions I needed that I held it back. I open the clasp of my pale, unusually white hand, a leaf falling right into my grasp. It only snows in December, so could I call this Snowfall in Autumn?

God, as I say that to myself, my head spins around the thought of you, Rena. Your every structure molds into my life like a clay sculpture- one I want to make of you. Love had been as tricky as many things, but complexity would've never been an issue with you. I find that interesting because after all, you interest me. Though that interest will grow, just like the clay in water, it will no longer dry. I am set upon your silhouette. You're my everything, my only thing.

Tears fall like the leaves fall- slowly yet heavily. I never understood the severity of my actions only twice, with you, and with her. I had jumped too far off the ravine without anything to help me back to the top. Misunderstanding myself was just misunderstanding you.

With every inch of the apologies, regrets, and confessions I could never tell you,

I spill it out here.

As I walk through this park without you, the emptiness draws me in to fill another hole. I was already voided by my mom and dad, and I had to go to her. Then, when she no longer could fill that void, I had to fill it with you. I didn't know that that void wasn't supposed to be filled with love or people, but with my self-satisfaction that came from things that I could do. You taught me that.

Matter of fact, you taught me a lot of things. The value of life through the similes of grass. The colors faded into one palette so I can't overthink. That love wasn't something like jello, but it was something much more solidified like a rock. Of course, each lesson comes with a sequence in time where you forget about it for a bit. I feel that I should force myself to do that now.

Rena, if I had realized sooner that I didn't have to use you like this, had there been a better chance that our time together would be elongated?

Of course, our set time would not change. However, possibly, we could spare a second. A second more to fall beside one another, watching the moon on concrete.

But I never had enough time. I didn't do a lot of things, though I should've had to pay back the knowledge and debt.

I never got to tell you how I felt, Rena. I never got to tell you that ecstatic, that energetic feeling I felt when we kissed for the first time. I never got to tell you that you looked beautiful with that hairstyle and when you looked at me in the moonlight. All I wanted was to tell you everything and understand you. How could I understand you when I barely understand myself?

All I wish for is to just spend my days with you until we're dead together, on a bed of flowers you endear your heart to. All I wish to tell her was sorry for hurting her because I was selfish. That I was sorry for pretending that I loved you because I couldn't let go of the fact I failed someone I loved before.

I never got to tell you that I wasn't just pretending anymore.

I feel as if I missed everything, from start to finish. Not with her, not with Sunwoo, but with me. I had so much I could say, but I was too busy thinking of what may happen to others before myself. I can't form a relationship with someone who loves her current self completely when I can barely love myself. Yet, I love her too damn much to love myself.

Onto my clasped leave, a tear falls. A deeply pitiful tear that I swore to hold back plops onto the stem of my snow. Someone grabs the top of my head, just barely gently, before ruffling it. I look up, seeing the raven-haired friend who would console me at this moment. After the many moments, the minutes, the hours, the days, we meet again in our dullest moments.

Just like with my encounter with the first flower, he was there to help me lay it down.

And for the second time, he will find a way to replant a new flower.

"You told me you were going to understand, even if it was not me, it was to be someone," Sunghoon grins, chuckling at me with his bright smile. I haven't seen it since the first week of school. "Why are you crying? It's not the right season to cry. Well, no season is right to cry."

"I'm not crying," I reply, turning away so that I can wipe the tears with my sleeve. I can hear his snicker. I could see it in my head that he was smiling. "Why are you here, anyway? Aren't you and me not friends anymore?"

"I know, I just... don't want to see you like this."

"Like what?"

"Like a wreck. For the second time," He eases, already staring as I turn to face him. "After all, a lot has happened. I just hoped, for another day that... you'd be okay."

Maybe it was the recent heartbreak that caused me to weep in front of him. I start to sob, holding onto both of his forearms as I lean my head down. Just to hear that he cared, even for a minute, was something that sparked me to care as well. Even when I thought it would all be over, he had become the prince charming once more.

"Must you cry so deeply? You know, seeing you in such a tainted scene scares me more than the first time," He sighs in frustration, letting go of me. I feel his arms wrap around my shoulders, the boy clearing his throat as he pats my back. "This is your pass to cry for ten minutes in my arms. After that, I'm throwing you out."

And as I cry in his arms, sobbing over the things I could no longer control, more than ten minutes pass in his comfort. I was grateful to have Sunghoon. I understood half an hour later, as he hands me an ice cream from the convenience store, that we were finally reaching an equilibrium.

"How's Rena?" He pops the question knowing deep down, that I may want to let it out. We sit together on a bench, a tissue in my left hand and the ice cream he gave me in the other. I bite through the chocolate, covering my mouth as I try to respond. He chuckles, shaking his head. "Finish eating first before you give me gibberish."

I nod, watching him laugh. His eyes are bright today. "Um, I think we've broken up."

"So you both were dating. Why did you break up?" He questions, turning to me. "You... did it again, hm?"

I nod slowly, causing him to sigh. "Lying isn't good for you nor anyone else, Jungwon. Why do you keep setting yourself up like this? It's a surprise she didn't see right through you," He licks the bar, looking over at me with a judgmental look. "Just tell her everything, from start to finish."

"But, I did-"

"Not in your head, idiot," He pokes my forehead, causing me to wince. "I mean with your voice. You know, your voice that makes a relationship better, sweeter, riskier? Communication, Jungwon. Something that you need to learn, to get better at."

"I'm trying," I ease. Scratching the nape of my neck, Sunghoon continues to stare. "It's hard to do that. Can't you tell me about what you need to get better at? I need some inspiration, you know..."

"Experiencing jealousy, it's quite interesting. It felt like I'm playing chess with someone who gets lucky each time," He states, causing me to look up from my ice cream bar. His dessert started to melt from all the talking, which he notices and takes a bite. "Each time, you somehow win. No longer do I want to play, it seems."

"I'm glad," I chuckle. "All this time, I've learned to keep things to myself. I don't know how to start getting better at communication, though."

"You learned it from her, just like me, didn't you?" He questions. "You learned how to take a step forward, though I learned how to take a step back. That's why you're here, Jungwon. Though you misstepped, I assure you, you should keep going and make better steps."

"Up?" I question. "Or down?"

"Which way is closest to Rena, I presume," Sunghoon exhales. "At first, I was envious that you had the upper hand. I didn't know of all these things that Rena had given you, and that changed you. I wanted to experience it too. I wanted to be with her. After seeing what you do for her every day, watching as she could exhale her last breath, I found you were much stronger than I was. I'd be too scared to stare at her every minute, knowing she could die."

"I had to accept that if she were to die, she did it because she wanted to. I don't know how, but I did," I smile. "Maybe because I realized what it was like to love someone who has the intention of dying."

"And what's that?"

"That devoting yourself to them won't heal both yours nor their pain. It's pity, and nobody likes pity," I chuckle. "I enjoyed learning that. Every second was grief knowing she could die the next second, but hell, it was a ride experiencing all that she offered."

He's silent for a minute, crumpling his wrapper. "The ride won't be over yet."

"Hm?"

"Just promise me you'll go back to her before winter comes, Jungwon," He turns, grinning softly. "Promise me... you'll talk to Rena before winter begins."

He stands up, fixing his coat. I watch him leave again. It hurts, but I had a feeling he'd be back again. 

Sunghoon stops briefly, face-to-face with me. "Nobody wants to be cold during winter, Jungwon," Sunghoon smiles sadly, bowing just barely. "When you're ready to talk things out with me, I want you to speak with me when you have experienced everything Rena will teach you. Okay?"

I didn't know what it meant, but I nodded. "Okay."

And he dances with the wind, just like the snowfall of autumn.

For the first time, I had become envious of the man he had become.

Hopefully, in his head,

he said, "Checkmate."