there was always a piece of you that never left.

"You know what, forget it. From now on, if you and I stay friends, I never want you to bring up Sunwoo again. I'm over Sunwoo, and I mean it this time, Sunghoon. I'm not running back to her."

I stand up, grabbing my backpack. "See you tomorrow-"

"I like her, Jungwon," He tells me.

"I like Rena."

It was understandable. Rena was like a rock to Sunghoon, protecting him and me from doing more than just a friendly talk. She was glorious, but I couldn't understand why he said all the horrible stuff only to like her later.

"Do you want to explain?" I calmly ask him, putting beside hatred for the current Sunghoon who holds all his feelings captive. He bites his lower lip in hesitation, causing me to sigh. "You're horrible, Sunghoon."

"You think I don't know that?" Sunghoon scoffs, sitting up after his slump. I don't know if the hatred is from the previous talk about Sunwoo or the envy that announces in my soul over his feelings for Rena. It just makes no sense. Why would Sunghoon decide to pry himself into our business when he's the one who didn't like it anyway? "I know I'm horrible, I know I'm stupid, but it's feelings, Jungwon. What do you want me to do? Throw out my heart?"

I sigh, knowing Sunghoon wouldn't want to get the message that easily. After all, he's somewhat hardheaded. "Sunghoon, you know that's not what I mean-"

"Would I ever be proud of liking a girl that my friend likes?" He interrupts, scoffing at me. "After all, it's the same situation with Sunwoo. You're the better man, you're the oh! so lovely! standard that people love to look at, and people just think of me as the standard's best friend. Jungwon, have you ever thought that I... ever felt incompetent to you? After all these years of saying that I have no one who interests me, that I have no heart to date when my heart falls for the people you somehow already claim... do you ever think that I kept it away from you for my benefit?"

The silence kills me, waiting for his answer. So, I sigh.

I shouldn't pity him, but I do. I pity him because he feels this way, even when it's never been my fault. I never realized that I was so sociable, and to Sunghoon, this meant he was pushed back into the gutters like a sliding bowling ball. I never realized he felt this way nor did I realize how much pain this caused him, even when we were younger. 

It's hard to look at him, but all I can do is stare. 

His tears are glassy, watching me as they fall down his fragile cheeks. "I love you deeply, with all my soul. You're my best friend, and I wouldn't want us to change. I appreciate you entirely, but I hate you for that, Jungwon. I despise you even if you never realized it," He whispers, slamming his back on the bench. "Because of you, all my friends were yours. All my crushes were into you. I got extensions on projects and got easy A's because teachers we shared appreciated all you did for them. That's why I'm where I am now, Jungwon. Not because of myself-"

He pauses, sniffling before he roughly wipes his tears with his jean jacket. His eyes stick daggers into my own, fists balling up like the apple in his throat. "-But always... because of you."

He looks at me as if I'm abnormal, an alien species that's come to attack him and scare him away. His hands tremble in the cold weather, even from the fact that he's restraining himself from punching me as much as I want to punch him. In a world where I thought that Sunwoo or Rena was my parallel,

It was always Sunghoon.

A small, tiny boy scared of the world ahead of him. He depended on the approval of others just to keep his confidence alive. With all the care and dependence on him, he thought he ruled the world... until he didn't. He realized the pain, the care, the time. He realized how much the world gave him, only for him to take it for granted. 

Sunghoon has always been my parallel, especially during the time that he and I could never understand one thing. Whether it be math or government, talking about the different branches that make our corrupted country, we could never understand it—

Just like we can't understand each other right now.

We passed by each other just like a potential future, only to miss each other by centimeters between trains, or by barely the brush of a finger. We never understood each other because we were simply on different levels in the same world. However, I know in his world, he's higher than I am. That's ego, and that's what we both have that keeps us here, staring at each other before the other walks away.

"Do you ever..." Sunghoon trails off, leaving me to raise an eyebrow. "...get jealous of me, Yang Jungwon?"

I don't know what to tell him, to be honest. Do I lie and say that I do? Do I corrupt his ego so high, that he's unable to get down? Do I help him get so far, only for him to realize that I've never envied his horrible inner personality?

Or do I tell him the brutal choice, ruining his ego by miles, but also ruining our friendship? Do I cut off the ties with him for my own sake and Rena's sake? It hurts, deeply, it truly does. The peach color of his skin ties into a transparent white, almost like he's died and revived himself. He nods slowly as if the answer was my silence. He gets up, dragging his bag with him. I don't want to leave him like this, nor do I want to leave us unidentified.

"No, Park Sunghoon," I say, causing him to stop. "I've never once been jealous of you our whole friendship."

He doesn't respond, so I continue. "I wasn't jealous of you because I never thought you were jealous of me. I thought we were the perfect duo, the perfect balance. I thought you'd hate if I ever felt lesser than you, but it seems like I was wrong. In this friendship, all you wanted was for me to feel like I was incompetent to you purposely, just once. Is that what you wanted, Sunghoon? To purposely bring me and dig me six feet under, even after all the good things I brought you without my knowledge? The good grades, the companionship, the potential relationships that you turned down? What more do you want from me-"

"You don't understand, Jungwon. That's never been all I wanted," He grits his teeth, turning sideways. "All I ever wanted... was for people to properly think of us as the equilibrium. For neither of us to feel lesser than one another. However, like always, we still can't understand each other's minds. We've always been on different wavelengths, Yang. We're still on different wavelengths. There's no talking about it going forward, so let it go."

He doesn't hesitate to walk away from me, causing me to yell. "Then help me understand, Sunghoon! Why can't I understand you?! What's wrong with us!?" He continues to walk away from me, leaving me defenseless. I don't want him to lose his ego. I don't want him to lose himself, nor to lose my other half. "Tell me, Park Sunghoon! Hey! Don't walk away from me! If you walk away, it's over between us!"

He doesn't look back. He doesn't take any less of a step, any less of a stride. He rounds the corner of the courtyard, leaving my sight. I feel my legs lose hold, leaving me on the ground with my knees buckled to the brick.

Sunghoon,

come back soon.

-i relate to this personally so this is a whole other level for me #crying