(37 : TO MURDER . . .
MURDER OUR SOLEMNITY)

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     THE RETURN TO POTTER MANOR was accompanied by an uncomfortable silence. Nobody knew what to say to Juliet. The redhead wore a blank expression the entire time and was more interested in her transfigured hair fading back to its original colour as opposed to the fact she had killed a man. Both Remus and Peter had decided to cut their stay at the manor short — no doubt wanting to hug their own parents extra tight — so that left only James and Sirius to deal with the fallout of the attack.

     Rain began to lightly fall as the three of them walked up the drive. Before they could reach the front porch, James stopped, turned sharply to his friend and told him, "I need to talk to Juliet alone. You walk on ahead."

     Sirius almost recoiled at the boy's stern tone. He looked at Juliet, who remained impassive, then reluctantly went to explain everything to Euphemia and Fleamont — well, maybe not everything.

     "What do you want to talk about? The weather? What about my —"

     "I want to talk about the fact you murdered someone," interrupted James, sharper than she had ever known him to be. "As if that it wasn't bad enough, Sirius pulled me aside and said it was your dad. You're — you're not even the least bit upset and I'm struggling to process how you're so calm right now because I'm freaking out."

     Juliet stiffened. "It's not like I had much of a choice."

"But you did, Juliet!" James cried, throwing his arms out. "I'm done with your excuses and thinking you don't have a choice in your life. You keep blaming people — your parents, Dumbledore, even fucking Voldemort — for everything you don't like about your life and yourself. Your surname, your blood status, your house — none of that defines who you are, your actions do." He unintentionally started to raise his voice with each word, frustrated. "And your actions tonight have proved every single stereotype you made me believe you resented right."

Overcome with a red hot rage, she scoffed. "Don't paint it as if I've murdered someone in cold blood. He was going to kill you, I reacted."

The Gryffindor didn't falter. "You're the cold blooded snake though, right?" challenged James, recalling their talk in Hogsmeade. "I think that you've become so obsessed with convincing everyone that's who you are, it's exactly who you've become. I offered you help so many times, Dumbledore offered you help. Now look what's happened because of your dumb pride. It's not a slur in the hallway or a nasty hex with a counter spell, this is something you can't take back."

     Her eyes burnt bright with blue fire. "Do you really think I wanted that? Do you really think I wanted to kill my own father?"

     "I don't know," James admitted reluctantly. "I don't know, but I do know there were other ways. There are some lines you don't — can't — cross because the second you do, we become no better than the same people we're fighting against."

     "He wasn't exactly going to have a chat with us over a cup of tea about your release," snapped Juliet, her voice brimming with bitterness. "You're — you're living in some kind of fantasy land if you think these people care for civil conversation. They don't care about how noble you are and I hope to hell you realise that before you're playing 'soldier boy' in this war. Because that's all you'll ever be doing, James. You always be playing a game of pretend because you have no clue about the real world. You're delusional, sheltered and need to bloody well wake up before your heroics get you killed."

     James ran his hands through his hair. "You know, I had faith in you," he confessed, almost disappointed, "that you wouldn't be bad."

     "I never claimed otherwise!" Juliet exploded, hysterical and at her breaking point. "I have never tried to hide who I am. I'm a fucking mess, James, and you knew this from the start. I'm sorry if you thought you could fix me, but I never needed fixing. I have crippling self-doubt and questionable morals and a whole lot baggage, but I am not broken. All of those things are part of me, parts that you made me think you could handle."

     He stared his shoes. "Guess I lied."

     It was those three words that broke her. Unsure if there were tears in her eyes or it was just the rain, Juliet glanced away and swallowed deeply. Of course she had ruined the one good thing she had, it was what she was best at.

     "You froze up there," she reminded him unkindly. "Did you want me to let you die instead of him? I can tell you now that nobody is going to miss my father. He was cruel and abusive." To stop herself from losing her temper, she dug her fingernails into her palms until she drew blood. "And I would kill him again if it meant you're still here with your stupid pranks and your stupid smile and your stupid hair."

     His face crumpled, the rain came down harder. "Do you love me?"

     Her breath was stolen from her. "James, I don't kn—"

     "It's a yes or no question," James intervened. "Do you love me?"

     Steeling herself, she closed her eyes. "No."

     "Then we're done." His voice cracked. "I — I love you, Juliet. I love you, but I can't compromise my morals for you anymore. I can't be with someone who doesn't show remorse after killing their dad, someone who doesn't care how bloody their hands get if it means saving themselves. That's what you were doing, isn't it?" His tone was flat, but his bottom lip was trembling. "You saved me because losing me would've thrown you off the deep end. Yet, all I'll ever be is your dirty little secret that's good for snog or two. I bet it makes you feel like you're doing something rebellious, something groundbreaking, getting off with a blood traitor like you do. But you'll end up like the rest of them, a wine-drunk wife, a pureblood breeder, another cog in the supremacy machine."

     "At least I'll end up somewhere that isn't a casket," she retorted, her chest constricting. "You think you're so much better than me, but you're not who I thought you were. I hope it hurts when you fall off your high horse, James. I really do."

     "At this rate, I wouldn't be surprised if you're the one who kills me," James cooly refuted as he brushed past the Slytherin, struggling to conceal his own hurt.

     Tilting her head to analyse the fresh tears in his eyes, she caught his arm. "No, no," she hissed. "You don't get to be sad. You said you wouldn't give up on me and you are. I'm the one who has been lied to."

     "Goodbye, Juliet." His eyes lingered on her lips a second too long before he left, the sound of the pouring rain disguising how his heart shattered with each step.

     Alone in the rain, Juliet sobbed. In a blink, she was bleeding out like her father had. Blood was oozing out of every single wound James Potter had recently reopened. Blinking again, she touched the base of her throat and stared down at her hands that were coloured red from the cold, nothing else. There was no blood.

If she wasn't bleeding, then why did everything hurt so much?

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     Juliet stayed in the same position for hours — on the first porch step with her head in her hands, the only noise being the water dripping from her clothes and the deafening volume of her own thoughts. Every part of her wanted to replay the argument in her head — to pinpoint the moment it all went wrong — but maybe they were simply doomed to end. It wasn't like they would have lasted. Juliet and James were never meant to be — they were merely a result of the threads of fate getting tangled.

     Her head snapped up when she heard footsteps behind her. The new arrival didn't wait for an invitation. Sirius sat down beside her and lit a cigarette. He offered her one.

     "What is it?"

     "A muggle cigarette."

     "What do I do?"

     With a snort, he showed her how to light one and motioned for her to take a drag. Juliet immediately began to cough and wrinkled her nose. The next time she tried, she observed how Sirius did it and copied him, liking the idea of taking on a new destructive habit.

     Neither of them spoke for two or three minutes. They smoked in silence.

     "I would've done it too," Sirius said suddenly. "Killed someone for James, that is."

     Juliet sighed. "I didn't mean to kill him."

     "You don't regret it though," he pointed out, causing her to grimace. "Hey! I'm not judging you for it. I'm practically the blueprint for the rebelling pureblood with shitty parents. The second my old bat of mother croaks it, I'll be dancing on her grave."

     "I should regret it. He is — was — my family." Worry lines formed on her forehead. "He wasn't all bad either. He used to dance with me and sneak me sweets behind my mother's back. I want to mourn that man, but it feels like he's been dead for years. The man I killed tortured me and treated me like I was a bargaining chip to gain status amongst the Dark Lord's ranks."

     Her companion listened carefully to her words. "Family isn't exclusive to blood, Juliet. You can choose it. You don't need him because you have Mia and Monty and me."

     "And James?"

     He hesitated. "James will come around eventually. He's in love with you and that boy doesn't love lightly. It's his best and worst trait," answered Sirius thoughtfully. "I love him, he's my best friend, but he's naive and he doesn't understand what it means to be at war. He doesn't understand that you can't save everyone. He's willing to give out chance after chance because he sees the best in everyone. Whilst that's good for people like me and you as people who are prone to mistakes and come from a long line of fuck ups, it's also his fatal flaw." The Gryffindor let out a barking laugh. "James thinks people like my cousin can be redeemed. Like one day they'll get up and make a few daisy chains with the muggles and the war will be done. He's an idealist that doesn't yet know that some people are too far gone."

     The redhead flopped her head on his shoulder, deflated. "I'm not sure about that. He seems to think I'm too far gone."

     "He needs time," insisted Sirius, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "Everything he thinks he knows is about to be obliterated in this war. He might not realise it yet, but he isn't angry at you. He's angry at what it means for all of us — none of us are going to escape unscathed. The war used to feel like this far away thing to all of us, but we're graduating soon and you made it real tonight. This war won't be won by playing it clean."

     Juliet exhaled, shaking. "I fucked up."

     "If I'm honest," replied Sirius, "I think James did."

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A.N: This was such an intense chapter. Everyone was worried for Juliet last chapter when it should have been James! This boy really has no clue about what it means to go to war and this is his harsh awakening. I don't normally put songs at the end of chapters, but I really recommend 'Little Lion Man' by Mumford & Sons because it inspired this chapter. I also really hope people know the song not just from TikTok because it's been one of my favourite songs for ages.

Question, favourite villain of all time? I think mine has to be Glory from Buffy.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

I also made an edit of the story of Juliet and James thus far with all the new content for Abigail Cowen that's been released. Hope you enjoy.