I thought I'd feel very different the first time it happened. Both kissing and actually being with a girl, but... I didn't feel changed. I felt like it was bound to happen at some point and now when it had, there was nothing. It was anti-climatic. I mean, it had felt good and I definitely wanted to do it a lot more, but I thought I'd feel more grown up after it. But I didn't.

I did date Clarissa Davies now though which was okay. She was nice. Even though it had been years since our first kiss behind the bleachers during prom, we had kind of just drifted apart and then closer again. And now apart again, apparently.

I was at her house, hanging out with her and her brother Daniel, when she announced that she was going to bed. Awkward as I was, I didn't know what to do from there. Was I supposed to leave?

"Nah, you don't have to leave," Daniel assured me. "She just likes to play dramatic. Don't play into it."

I leaned back on the couch again and turned my attention to the TV. "This is a good movie. Have you seen it?" I asked.

"Yeah, but I didn't get to finish it."

"That's too bad. The ending is good."

"Yeah?"

I looked up and met his gaze, nodding. Something in his eyes did I couldn't really look away. He was looking very intently at me.

Daniel was one of the cool kids. I was kind of too, but not really. I just hung out with some of them, like Clarissa, but I was never really one of them. Daniel hadn't ever really spoken to me before that night and now... Something in the atmosphere just changed.

He rose to all fours and crawled from one end of the massive corner couch over to me. I had no idea what he was doing, but I didn't stop him either. I stared up at him as he was hovering over me, his legs spread over my lap.

He slowly lowered his head and very softly kissed me. Now that was something else. But at the same time it wasn't. I knew he was a boy and I had only kissed girls so far, but this felt just as right as kissing a girl.

He deepened the kiss then and my stomach completely stumbled over. I didn't want this to stop for anything. I wanted more. Way more.

Daniel pulled back and looked down at me. "You... Should probably go."

I swallowed hard and nodded. He didn't move though and I couldn't really get off the couch unless he got off me. But he didn't move off me. He lowered himself and kissed me again.

"Break up with my sister," he murmured against my lips.

"O-okay," I stammered.

He pulled up again and snorted, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "My friend Ben is having a party next week. You should come."

I nodded a little hesitantly. "Okay."

"Don't bring the nerd squad with you. You can bring Charlie. His sister is a pal. But forget the others."

It wasn't that hard to forget the nerd squad. Charlie didn't really object to us not bringing Henry and the twins. Like, Mae was alright but Rae was intense. And so was Henry. They were my friends of course but for a setting like this, Charlie and I would do better without them.

We both had somehow gotten some beers from our dads for our very first party and I didn't know about Charlie, but I was nervous as hell. I had never been to a party like this before and Ben Franklin had huge parties. Usually founding  fathers-related since his name was literally Benjamin Franklin.

I clutched my six-pack closer as Charlie knocked on the door. He glanced at me and sent me a look that screamed be cool. I lowered the six-pack and he faintly nodded.

The door opened and Ben appeared behind it. "Yo, Charlie! Welcome! Is your sister coming?"

"A little later. She's at a pre-party," Charlie said so casually and grabbed Ben's outstretched hand in his. They took a step toward each other and bumped shoulders. Ben let go first and held his hand out towards me. We did the same thing.

"Come on in! The party is a little slow right now, but it'll pick up. You can just put your beers in the kitchen. Everyone shares here."

I tightened the grip on my beers for a second, realising I probably would lose them all during the night. Not that I hadn't been drunk before. Charlie and I had raided his father's liquor cabinet several times.

There were kids scattered around the house in small groups. The music wasn't very loud and everyone seemed a little too sober.

"Che!" someone yelled out. I caught sight of Daniel and smiled. "You came!"

"Yeah, of course." I tried to sound all casual, but fuck I wasn't. He was the one who had invited me after he had kissed me. I was nervous as fuck.

He took my beers from me and handed them to Charlie. "I have something to show you."

He didn't wait for me to reply but just motioned me to follow him. We went into another room that was empty. When he flicked the lights on, it turned out to not be a room at all. It was a large cupboard. He rushed me inside and locked the door behind him.

"What did you wanna sho-" I was cut off by him grabbing my shirt, pulling me close and kissing me. He shoved me up against the wall and kissed me even harder.

"You're so fucking late," he murmured and kissed me again.

"Couldn't turn up at 7 like a total loser, could I?" I laughed and kissed him back.

"But I needed you to turn up faster." He pressed his body against mine and this kiss was not as chaste as the first one we had.

He tasted of beer and he didn't really act like he was totally sober. I guess beer made him really... Loveable.

"Do you know how long I've been wanting to do this?" he murmured and started kissing my throat.

"N-no," I stammered.

"A long time." He chuckled and pulled back, cupping my cheek. "You're hot."

"I-I didn't know you were..."

"I'm not." He shrugged a shoulder and kissed me again. All I was thinking about was the fact that I hadn't ever been in doubt that I was. I was... Something. Something in the middle. I liked both and the longer I kissed Daniel, the more sure I was.

He didn't ask if I was. Apparently, he didn't wanna know if I was or not.

Gay.

Which I wasn't. I wasn't gay.

But fuck all that right now. I was kind of too busy to think about labels. The Che I had grown into finally came back and replaced the nervous little boy that had taken my place tonight.

I pushed Daniel back against the wall behind him, taking control of this situation. He circled his arms around my neck and pulled me closer.

There were more parties after that. Way more parties. And a lot more kissing with Daniel. And other stuff too. Stuff that was really nice but seriously one-sided. I didn't mind that as much though. Daniel was fun. He was the best distraction from all the shit that was currently happening. Like my dad trying to convince me I shouldn't be a soldier.

Kissing Daniel was so much easier. He didn't ever want to talk about anything. We didn't do that whole "let's pretend we care about anything but the whole physical part" thing. Which was kind of a relief. Daniel was dumb as a board and I didn't enjoy listening to him talk. I did enjoy kissing him though.

"I wanna try something new," Daniel murmured against my lips and smiled.

"Yeah?"

"I wanna fuck you. Properly."

I snorted and shook my head. "Nope."

"Wait, why?" He pulled back and frowned at me.

"I'm not into that." I arched my brows. So not into that. I mean, unless... "Unless you're the receiver."

"Hell no. Besides I thought all gay dudes were into it."

I sighed deeply. "I'm not gay. And someone has to you know... Pitch."

"I kind of just... Figured they'd switch?" He took a step back and shoved his hands in his pockets.

"So you'd totally let me do you?" I tipped my head to the side.

"No, I'm not-"

I groaned and rolled my eyes. "If you wanna fuck a dude, Daniel, you're not straight." I grabbed his shirt and pulled him back to me. "Just stop talking." I turned us around and pushed him up against the wall. We kissed again and I started going down. Daniel swore under his breath and ran his hand through my hair as I started opening his jeans.

And then the fucking door opened. I was sure he had locked it. I mean, we were in a freaking bathroom, who doesn't lock the door automatically?

I was on my knees in front of Daniel, his open belt in my hands and Daniel was frozen against the wall with his hand in my hair. Charlie was looking a little shocked at us before he cleared his throat and met my gaze. Daniel pulled his belt out of my hands, closing it and grabbed Charlie by the throat. He slammed my best friend up against the wall.

"Tell anyone and I mean anyone, and I'll break your fucking face. Do you get me?!" Daniel growled, his face completely contorted.

Charlie nodded and Daniel let go of him. He left the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. I had dumped myself down on the floor and couldn't really look at Charlie.

"What a douchebag," Charlie growled and rubbed his neck, dumping down next to me. "What are you doing with that asshole?"

"Please," I whispered. "Charlie, please don't tell anyone... I'm not gay..."

"I mean, okay, but hell dude, get some better standards." He pushed me with his shoulder and I looked up at him with wide eyes. "You could do way better than that asshole. You have before! Layla was so cute."

I swallowed something and nodded. "I'm... I'm bi."

"And I'm straight." Charlie shrugged a bit. "Glad we cleared that up, huh?"
I nodded a little hesitantly.

Charlie sighed deeply. "Che, I'm not gonna out you to anyone, okay? That's not my thing to tell and you're my best friend. I honestly couldn't care less who you decide to do in a bathroom at a party. Well, except please for the love of God, get someone better than Daniel. He's such an asshole."

I snorted and nodded. "He is. He's a great kisser though."

Charlie groaned and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, and I bet you think he's real pretty too. But come on. Don't be a shallow asshole too."

I nodded. "Okay. I'll get some better standards."

"Thank fuck, because I was starting to get real bored at these parties. You always abandon me. I thought you were like... Replacing me with him or something."

I smiled and pushed my shoulder against his. "No. Never."

"Okay, let's get off this floor and pretend to at least be somewhat manly, yeah? Can't sit and have heart-to-hearts like a couple of drunk chicks." He rose and offered me his hand. I grabbed it and he pulled me up.

And though I didn't say anything, I hoped Charlie knew how fucking grateful I was. I was being weighed down by constantly hiding and now I at least didn't have to with him. We didn't have to hug it out or anything. That was the best part about my friends. My real friends. Not these assholes at this party.

"Hey Charlie," I said and stopped him in the hall. "Let's bounce. I hate these people."

"So do I," he chuckled. "Mae and Rae are at the diner in town. Let's meet up with them."

"Yeah."

"Are you not going to the Davies house tonight?" my dad asked.

"Uh, no," I muttered and poked at the soup with my spoon.

"How come? Have you made them angry?"

"Why do you think that?" I glanced up at him.

Aidan cleared his throat and asked for some bread and my mom was fast to hand it to him. They tried to change the subject but my dad and I were just staring at each other.

"Those were the right kind of people, Che."

"I don't really give a shit. They can go fuck themselves." I tipped my head to the side.

My dad jerked up, grabbed my shirt, hauled me out of my chair and slammed my back against the wall.

"I've had enough of your attitude, Chester," he growled with a low voice.

I looked wide-eyed up at him. My dad was a piece of shit but he had never been physically abusive. My back was aching and I felt feathers creep up over my cheekbones.

"Enough." My mom rose to her feet too and put her hand on my father's arm. Talons were growing out of her fingers. I had never seen my mother do anything even remotely close to shifting.

My dad let me go and my mom took my hand in hers, leading me out of the dining room and to the bathroom. She lifted my shirt up and took a look at my back. I could tell my shoulder blades would be bruising.

She wet a washcloth under the faucet and sat me down on the closed toilet. "Pull your shirt off, sweetheart."

I tried so hard to not cry like a little girl, but it was finally hitting me what had just happened. My mom softly put the washcloth on my back and I inhaled sharply through my clenched teeth.

"It's okay, honey," she murmured. "It's bleeding a little, but it's okay."

I tried to strangle a sob, but I was unsuccessful. My mom put her hands on my shoulders and gently got me to turn around.

She put her arms around me and hugged me very gently. Her hand patted my hair, and she kept whispering everything would be okay.

My dad got transferred a week after. Neither of my parents told me anything about what was happening but I think my mom just wanted my dad out of the house until I was out. We didn't function well together.

I sat in the little hut in the corner of our garden, studying for a trig test, when my oldest brother found me. He dumped down in the opposite couch and peered over at my notes.

"Advanced trig? Really?"

"Yeah," I muttered and took some notes.

"You're a total nerd."

"Yeah well, I like it." I shrugged a shoulder.

"So... I'm gonna go with Dad down to Texas."

I clenched my jaw and didn't meet his gaze.

"He uh... He asked me to go with him."

"Good luck."

"I know what he did, Che."

"Uh huh."

"At least he'll be out of the house most of the time from now on. They're promoting him to general."

I finally dropped my pen and looked up, meeting Ryan's gaze.

"Really?" I breathed.

Ryan nodded slowly and leaned back in the couch. "Yeah. I'm surprised too."

"He's a good soldier. Always has been. Too bad he's a shit dad."

Ryan snorted and nodded. "Yeah." He rose to his feet and stopped by my couch. He patted my head and smiled. "Be good, Che."

"I'll try. Won't promise anything though."

He snorted and nodded. "Give 'em hell." He padded back to the house and I looked at him over my shoulder before turning back to my books. I had a trig test coming up. Couldn't let myself think of anything but the test right now.