TW: harassment, self-harm, abuse

"Elyse, kumain ka muna." 

I shook my head, still staring at the white coffin in front of me. I stared at it for so long that I didn't notice the tears flowing through my face. 

"Eli, please. Just eat or at least drink water. Made-dehydrate ka niyan." Ida still tried to give me the bowl of soup.

She did not get a response from me. I just stood up and walked slowly towards the coffin. My lips started to shake again when I saw my mom lying there in her white dress, looking so peaceful. I put my hand on the glass. I could only caress her face from there. 

"Mommy," I cried again. "Wake up..." 

She looked so peaceful, but her death wasn't. That made me mad. The rage I felt was overflowing inside of me. She died with so many questions inside her head. She died with a broken heart. 

"Eli..." My dad tried to hold my arm. 

"Don't touch me!" I yelled so loudly that everyone in the room went silent. 

I looked at my dad with so much anger. My chest was hurting. I could physically feel the pain in my heart. Tears started to flow because of too much anger, setting aside the pain I was feeling because of my mother's death. 

"Don't you dare touch me!" I pointed at his face. "You disgust me! You disgust me so badly I want to fucking kill myself!" 

"Elyse..." Dad sighed. "Don't do this here. We're in your mother's wake." 

"Her wake... her wake!" I cried again. "This wouldn't have happened if you just... if you just... tried to become a decent human being, for fuck's sake! How dare you show up here in her wake?! Leave! Leave my mom alone!" 

"No, this wouldn't have happened if your boyfriend did not-"

"Fuck you both!" I yelled. "Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck all of you!" I closed my eyes and screamed at everyone in the room.

"Elyse." Ida tried to stop me. "You need to rest." 

"Do not disrespect me like that. We will talk at home." My dad sounded mad. 

Ida grabbed me by my arm and pulled me out of the room to escape the stares of the people who came to my mother's wake. She opened the back door of our car and tried to get me inside. 

"We will go home first so you can take a rest. You haven't slept for two days." Ida sat beside me. 

Kuya Roel started the engine and glanced at me through the mirror with his apologetic eyes. I looked outside the window with my fist shaking out of anger. 

"Elyse, try to get some sleep, okay?" Ida reminded me. 

I used the back of my hand to wipe the tears away. I just remained quiet, watching the movement of the car. I thought of opening the door and jumping. I thought of running away and getting myself hit by the car. I thought of so many things. 

"Oh my god," Ida whispered when the car stopped in front of our house. 

I looked outside the window and saw Sevi there, waiting. Hindi ko alam kung gaano na siya katagal doon. I never visited the house ever since my mom died. He looked tired. He stood up when he saw the car approaching. 

"Elyse, don't," Ida tried to stop me from opening the door. 

But it was too late. I pushed the door open and went out of the car to walk towards him. He looked at me like he was prepared to handle my emotions. I stopped in front of him and stared at him, gritting my teeth. 

"Why are you here?" I swallowed the lump in my throat. 

He sighed. "Gusto ko lang malaman kung okay ka-" 

I pushed him, making him step back. Nag-unahan muli ang mga luha ko sa pagbagsak. I started hitting his chest again with my fist until I felt weak. 

"You think so?!" I yelled. 

His jaw moved aggressively before looking at me again with anger and pain in his eyes. He was about to touch my elbow but his hand stopped midway. 

"My mom died in front of me..." I covered my mouth with my shaking hands. "She... she died... in front of me..." 

"I'm sorry..." Sevi looked away, trying to stop the tears from falling. 

"And you... you have the fucking guts to appear in front of our house to check if I'm doing okay?" My voice broke. "After what you did? After screaming and punching my dad in front of my mom? You... you knew she was sick, Sevi. You knew. You fucking knew!" 

"Hindi ko alam," Sevi tried to defend himself. 

"Her heart was weak!" I hit his chest with my fist. "She was sick! She died a painful death because of what you did! Because of what you fucking did! Now she's gone... She's... She's never coming back, and I'm not okay. I will never be okay!" 

Sevi caught my wrists while I cried helplessly. My whole body became weak. I couldn't resist his grip anymore. I was just crying in front of him like a desperate woman while he was looking at me like he pitied me.

"She's gone," I cried again, kneeling on the floor. 

"Namatay din ang kapatid ko, Elyse..." Sevi let my wrists go. "Sinira ng tatay mo ang pamilya ko!" 

I shook my head, not wanting to hear anything anymore. 

"Naiintindihan mo?! Sinira ng tatay mo 'yong pamilya ko! Binastos niya ang nanay ko! Namatay ang bata sa loob ng tyan niya dahil sa tatay mo! Putangina, niloko niya 'yong mama mo... Niloko niya 'yong mama mo!" he shouted.

"Stop it..." I tried to cover my ears after he mentioned my mom. 

"Oh, ano? Ano'ng gagawin mo?" Sevi's eyes were bloodshot. 

"Stop it!" 

"Itulak mo 'ko ulit! Hampasin mo 'ko! Sampalin mo 'ko! Saktan mo na 'ko! Namanhid na 'ko pagkatapos kong makitang duguan 'yong nanay ko, kaya sige! Gawin mo na lahat sa 'kin! Wala na 'kong pakialam!" He tried to hold my wrist so I could hit him. 

"Stop it!" Sinubukan kong bawiin ang kamay ko habang umiiyak. "Please..." 

"Bakit ayaw mong marinig?" Sevi's voice broke. "Hindi ka ba naniniwala sa 'kin?" 

"My dad cheated with your mom!" I looked at him and pushed his chest. "Why are you putting all the blame on my dad?!" 

"Hindi ginusto ng nanay ko ang nangyari! Kinailangan niyang panatilihin ang trabaho niya para sa pamilya ko! Alam mo 'yan, Elyse! Bakit ba sinasarado mo ang isip mo?!" Sevi shouted in frustration.

"And how are you so sure, huh?!" I cried again, screaming at him. "How are you so sure that your mom was telling the truth?!" 

"Ano?" Sevi's lips parted in disbelief. The disappointment on his face was so evident. "Putangina! Seryoso ka ba?!" 

"I don't know! I don't fucking know!" I held my head. "I hate all of you! Get away from me! You killed my mom! Fuck you! You should have killed me instead!" 

"Elyse..." Sevi's eyes were suddenly filled with worry when he heard everything I was saying. 

"Enough." Ida grabbed my arm and glanced at Sevi. "Please. She's still in shock. Both of you should stop." 

Ida pulled me inside and went straight to my room. Tinulungan niya 'kong humiga pagkatapos niya 'kong painumin ng tubig. I just cried and cried until I dozed off to sleep. 

I woke up in total darkness. I reached for the lamp on my side table and turned it on. It was already eleven in the evening. I haven't eaten anything. I just drank water so I wouldn't feel dehydrated. 

I looked below my bed when I heard a noise. My lips parted when Jewel suddenly ran to me and rested herself on my lap. My face heated as tears started to form again in the corner of my eyes. I caressed Jewel's head while crying. 

Everything just reminded me of my mom. 

I remembered her going home, holding a puppy that she rescued from the storm. Basang-basa ang damit niya, pati ang buhok niya. She said she heard the puppy crying, and she couldn't leave it after giving her food, so she brought it home. Back then, I was scared of dogs, so my relationship with Jewel wasn't that good. 

But whenever Mommy would leave me alone in the house, she would always say that Jewel would be there to protect me... that I wouldn't feel alone because Jewel would stay with me. And she did.

Hindi ko na napansing tumutulo na ang luha sa kamay ko. I smiled by myself when Jewel licked the tears away from my hand. She looked at me like she was comforting me. I carried her to my bed so I wouldn't feel alone. 

"Thank you, baby," I whispered, running my hand through her body. 

I tried to sleep again. I woke up around nine A.M. with Jewel beside me. Nang bumaba ako mula sa kama ay gumising din siya at sumunod sa 'kin hanggang sa lumabas ako at bumaba ng hagdan. I tried to get a glass of water but when I entered the kitchen, memories of my mom came back to me, and I started tearing up again. 

"Mommy, I can slice the apple," I said while getting the small knife. 

"Be careful, Eli," mom said while washing the vegetables. 

I wanted to show her that I knew how to use the knife. I placed the apple on a plate and held it with my other hand before slicing it in half. 

"Ouch!" I held my finger. The knife fell on the floor. 

"Elyse!" Mom immediately ran to me to see my bleeding finger. "Oh my god, I told you to be careful!" 

She washed the blood off the little wound on my finger before pulling me towards the living room. Sapilitan niya 'kong pinaupo roon at kumuha ng first aid kit. I gave her an awkward smile when she looked at me with anger. 

"I told you! I already told you!" She shook her head while disinfecting my wound. 

"Ouch, Mommy..." I wanted to cry. "I'm hurt." 

"What were you thinking?!" She looked at me again.

"I just... wanted to show you that I can... cut... fruit." I looked away, getting embarrassed. "You always say na I don't know how to do anything in the kitchen so..." 

"Oh, honey..." She sighed heavily. "I'm sorry. You didn't have to... cut your finger to prove something."

"I did not cut my finger!" reklamo ko. "It was just a mistake, okay?" 

"Does it hurt?" My mom asked after putting a band-aid around my finger. 

I nodded. It didn't hurt that much, but it still did. The pain was there.

"Of course. Mistakes can hurt, right?" She laughed. "But you will learn from it. Everything you do doesn't have to be perfect. But next time, do it better, okay? There's always a second chance." 

"You don't have a second chance after death, Mom," I joked. 

"Well..." She nodded. "Maybe in your next life... or your next life... or maybe if heaven really exists, you will find your chance there. Always." 

I blinked, and she was gone. I was just left all alone in the kitchen, holding a glass of water. I looked away and placed the glass on the table. My hands became weak after crying so hard. Ngayon, umiiyak na naman ako. 

"Jewel, do you think mom's happy with her next life?" I asked. 

I hoped so. I really hoped so. She did not deserve this. She gave my father a second chance but look at what he did to her. Not everyone deserved a second fucking chance. It was just like giving a person another chance to hurt you again.

Ida wasn't around. She probably came to work. Hindi naman ito ang inuwi niya rito, kung hindi business. I felt bad for her. 

"Jewel, time to eat," I said after preparing her dog food. 

I placed her bowl on the floor before walking outside the kitchen. Aakyat na sana ako sa kwarto ko pero narinig ko si Daddy na paparating. I stopped and waited for him to enter the house. 

"Elyse," he said when he saw me. "You and I need to talk." 

He sounded mad, but I did not feel an ounce of regret for what I said and did to him yesterday. He deserved it. No... He actually deserved worse.

I continued walking until I reached the door of his study room. I went inside and crossed my arms over my chest, waiting for him. I did not bother to look back when I heard his footsteps inside. 

He went to his desk and leaned on it, waiting for me to talk, but I did not. I just stared at him with so much anger. 

"Aren't you going to say anything?" He raised a brow. 

"Why did you do that?" I gritted my teeth. 

"What are you talking about?" 

"Why did you cheat on her?!" I raised my voice. 

"Elyse, look..." He sighed. "I did not cheat on your mother, okay? How could I do that? I love your mom-"

"How could you do that?" I repeated. "You cheated on Shan's mom with my mom! Of course, you can do that!" 

"Your boyfriend really influenced you, huh?" He shook his head. "Is that what he said? Then break up with that guy. How could he brainwash you into thinking that I did all of that to her mom?"

"What are you saying?!" I was so confused. 

"Elyse, I could never cheat on your mom. Selene clearly seduced me out of desperation. She probably wanted my money because she became poor after her husband left him." My dad shrugged like it was not a big deal.

"How could you..." I scoffed. My eyes were wide, surprised by how much of a monster he was... lying on my face. "How could you lie like that?!" 

"You don't believe your own dad, Elyse?" He looked hurt. "I raised you for years like a princess. Have I ever done anything that could hurt you or your mom? Because of that liar secretary, your mom died. You should blame your boyfriend's family, not me..." He looked so serious. He couldn't be fucking serious with what he was saying.

"Please..." I started crying. "Please don't lie to me like this... Please, I want to know the truth. I want to know your side, so don't lie to me, Dad..." 

"Elyse, sweetheart..." He walked towards me and touched my shoulders. "I never lied to you. I am your dad. How could I lie to you? Your mom and I raised you well. We treated you well... What more do you want? Haven't I earned your trust yet?" 

I was so confused. I held my head and closed my eyes. I didn't know what to think. I was trying to remember everything Sevi said. 

"You harassed her, didn't you?" I looked at my dad. "You harassed her..." 

"I did not! She seduced me. Elyse, please, just listen to me." He tried to touch me again, but I stepped backward. He was the one lying.

Sevi... Sevi would never lie to me about that. 

"You're an abuser!" I screamed.

"Elyse-"

"You're lying! You're a liar!" 

"For fuck's sake, Elyse!" He began shouting. 

"You abused your power! You cheated on my mom... You manipulative bastard! I can't even look at you anymore!" I pointed at his face. 

"What did you call me?!" 

"You're fucking disgusti-" He slapped me. 

My face turned sideways as I fell to the floor. He went to his desk and got his golf club. I heard Jewel's bark behind me while I was crying so hard that everything became blurry. 

"You disrespectful child!" My dad shouted as he marched towards me with so much rage. "How dare you disrespect your father like this?!" 

I cried when he hit my knee with the golf club. Jewel was still barking. I closed my eyes, preparing for another hit, but it did not come. I heard a loud noise like someone fell on the floor. 

"Fucking asshole!" 

My eyes widened when I saw my brother in front of me, gripping my dad's collar like he was ready to kill. His eyes were bloodshot. They were filled with rage. My dad's lips bled after receiving a hard punch. 

"Don't fucking touch her." Shan gritted his teeth. I never saw him this mad. 

"Kuya..." I cried, wanting to pull his arm away. "Stop, please..." 

"You never changed! You never fucking changed! So it's Elyse this time, huh?!" My lips parted in shock when my brother started tearing up. "You just can't live without hurting your children!" 

Dad was already struggling to breathe, so I pulled Shan's arm again, begging him to stop. Good thing he finally stood up, leaving my dad on the floor. 

"I will fucking destroy you. Remember that." 

He glanced at me before dragging me away from the room. Jewel followed us from behind, but she was having a hard time because of her small legs, so I stopped to carry her. My brother opened the door of his car, gesturing for me to go inside. 

I was still crying inside the car, hugging my dog. Tahimik lang si Kuya na nagda-drive paalis, mahigpit ang hawak sa manibela. He looked scary, but I knew he wouldn't do anything that could harm me. 

"Where are your things? Did you leave anything important in the house?" he asked after the long silence. 

Umiling ako. Lahat ng gamit ko nasa condo na namin ni Sevi. That made me cry more. Sevi... I felt so sorry. 

"Nasa condo, Kuya..." I cried again. 

"Get your things," seryosong sabi ni Kuya. 

I just gave him a slow nod, secretly hoping that Sevi wouldn't be there. When the car stopped in front of the lobby, I left Jewel with my brother before leaving the car. I saw myself in the reflection of the elevator. I looked so tired. I looked different. 

When the elevator stopped, I slowly walked my way towards our unit. I stopped in front of the door and inhaled a large amount of breath before opening it. 

I looked around and saw no one inside. I sighed before getting all my bags. I placed it on the floor of our walk-in closet and started putting my clothes inside. I cried again, remembering how Sevi and I used to fix our things together. 

After getting all my clothes, bags, and shoes, I closed the luggage and went to the bathroom to get my essentials. I bit my lower lip, trying to stop the tears from falling. We used to do our skincare together... brush our teeth together... 

I shook my head and stepped outside the bathroom, holding my kit. I stopped when I saw Sevi standing outside our walk-in closet, looking at my luggage. Napalunok ako bago siya nilagpasan para kuhain ang mga bagahe ko. 

"Elyse..." He grabbed my arm lightly to stop me. 

Hindi ako nagsalita. Sinubukan kong bawiin ang braso ko pero ayaw niya 'kong pakawalan. I glared at him, trying to stop my tears. 

"Let me go," mariing sabi ko. 

"Elyse, please, huwag naman ganito..." His eyes shined when they reflected through the light, a sign that he was about to cry. 

"Let me go." Binawi ko ang braso ko. This time, he did let me go. 

I was about to get my luggage when he suddenly stood in front of me, trying to stop me. I looked at him with exhausted eyes. I really, really wanted to leave. I felt so tired.

"Sevi, please," I begged. Tears started to flow. 

"Huwag ka naman umalis oh..." He started crying in front of me. "Pag-usapan natin. Pinag-uusapan naman natin 'yong mga problema natin, eh... Huwag naman ganito." 

"Sevi, please!" I shouted, hitting his chest with the kit. "Please..." I cried, my knees getting weak. 

The bottles from the kit sprawled on the floor, so I knelt to pick them up again while crying. My vision was so blurry, but I saw Sevi picking it up for me. I stood up again, expecting him to give me back the kit, but he didn't. 

"Please, akin na." I swallowed hard. I can't deal with this anymore.

"Hindi ka pwedeng umalis." He shook his head. "Ayusin natin 'to."

"Putangina naman, Sevi!" I covered my face so he wouldn't see me crying so hard. "Fuck..." 

He tried to touch my wrist, but I pushed him away. He swallowed hard and looked away, getting mad. 

"Why can't you just let me leave?" My voice broke. I was crying so hard that I could not see him clearly anymore. 

"Tangina," he whispered, trying to wipe his tears away with his hand. "Mahal kita, eh." 

"I'm so tired... I'm so tired!" I pulled my hair with my hands. "I'm so exhausted! I want to breathe!"

"Ako rin naman..." he said in a soft voice. "Pagod na rin naman ako... Pagod na pagod din ako pero... ikaw 'yong pahinga ko eh... Tangina, tapos iiwan mo rin ako?" 

I did not talk. Tinalikuran ko lang siya at sinubukang hatakin ang dalawang maleta paalis pero hinawakan niya ulit ang braso ko. Mabilis kong binawi sa kaniya 'yon. His grip was loose. His hands were weak. 

"I'm sorry... Sorry... I'll do better... Magtatrabaho ako nang maigi para kumita ng mas malaking pera... Ako na magluluto... Ako na rin maghuhugas... Ano p'ang gusto mo? Ako na magbabayad ng lahat, huwag mo lang ako iwan, please..." He cried. 

"Stop it." I cried, too. I couldn't let him beg like that.

"Sorry sa mga nasabi ko... Sorry sa lahat ng ginawa ko... Please..." 

I couldn't look at him without remembering his mom. I felt so ashamed. I think he forgot everything about it for a moment when he saw me leaving. Hindi na niya naalala kung gaano kasahol ang tatay ko. 

"Elyse, tangina naman, huwag naman kasi ganito..." Sevi covered his face, still crying. "Maglilimang taon na tayo." 

"I want to get away from here. Can't you understand that?" I looked at him. "I can't... I can't work in our company anymore. I will leave... I will start a new life." 

"Nang wala ako?" he asked desperately. 

"I can't look at you anymore..." I looked away.

"Hindi na 'ko kasama sa mga plano mo?" His lips parted. 

"All of you... All of you are so... so fucking exhausting." I sobbed. "I want to rest... I need to rest... I need to take a break... Can't you just give it to me, huh?!" 

"Napapagod ka na sa 'kin?" he asked again. 

I closed my eyes for a moment before nodding, biting my lower lip. It was the only answer. I was tired of everything.

"I'm sorry..." Sevi slowly nodded. He looked defeated. "Mukha na 'kong tanga, putangina. Sorry ako nang sorry sa 'yo pero... kahit isang sorry hindi mo mabigay sa 'kin." 

I did not talk. Kinuha ko lang ang dalawang bagahe ko at hinatak palabas. 

"Mahal mo ba 'ko?" 

I stopped walking. That was the question I wished he would never ask. I knew the answer to that. I always knew. 

"Sagutin mo 'ko." 

I bit my lower lip. Tuloy-tuloy na tumulo ang luha ko kahit anong pigil ko. Sinubukan ko itong punasan bago lumingon sa kaniya. 

"Yes," I whispered. 

I can't lie about that. If there was one thing I couldn't lie about, it was my love for him. It will always be there. 

"Pero pinagdudahan mo lahat ng sinabi ko... Mas kinampihan mo 'yong tatay mo... Tangina, ngayon ko lang naalala..." He laughed sarcastically. "Oo nga. Mas mahalaga nga ang pamilya, Elyse. Mas mahal ko pamilya ko." Sevi looked away. It sounded like he was convincing himself. 

"Yes..." I nodded. "So you should hate me. I called your mother a liar..." 

"'Yon ba ang gusto mo?" He looked at me with tears in his eyes. 

"I want to leave," I clearly said. That was what I wanted. 

"Sige, umalis ka na." He pursed his lips, giving it up, 

"I'm sorry..." I cried. My heart was hurting. I could not leave him like this.

"Umalis ka na, Elyse." His jaw moved aggressively. "Please."

I nodded before pulling my luggage again. When I reached the parking, I broke down. My knees fell to the floor as I covered my mouth. I was sobbing so loudly, and my hands were shaking. I cried and cried, not ready to leave him... but I had to. 

I was dead. I felt dead. I just wanted to live again. 

"Eli..." My brother held my arm to help me stand up. 

"Kuya..." I cried on his chest. "It hurts... I can't do this anymore..." 

He embraced me as I cried, trying so hard to calm me down. I felt so tired from all the pain I was feeling. I cried and cried until there were no tears left. 

"I'm going to get you out of here, okay?" he whispered. 

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