Hey guys.. I just wanted to let you know about myself. Like how am I doing, what is happening in my life... It doesn't really matter since nobody cares but whatever.
So... Remmember how I talked about cyclothymia? I think it gets worse. Especially the part with slight depressions...

Right now I am avoiding phone calls from my dad, cause I got a bad grade and I know he's gonna be mad. I got bad grades before and I just tried to explain it to him, but now I just can't. I don't wanna talk with him. And there is no difference between this and other times when I got a bad grade but this time I act different... And I don't even know why.. He was trying to call me about ten times now and I just let the phone ring. He wrote me a message basically saying 'If you don't even want to talk to me, you could at least write me a message'. I didn't respond. What should I say? "I want to talk with you." Lie "Oh, what did you want?" He would get mad. There is nothing I can do.

It's been only one month since I started school and I already got two bad grades and third one is gonna be here soon.

I am questioning my life. Do I even matter? I don't know.. Sure there are people who love me and who would miss me but I mean.. Do I matter for the world? Do I matter for the universe? No. I just came into the world, I live and sooner or later I will die. Everything I will ever do will be just for me or other people.

I am also questioning many things like, why did my mum keep me back then? I know I am an accident and I always make jokes about it and say that I am proud of it, but for real it's painful. It's painful to know that I didn't have to be here. That world would exist without me and everything would be the same. Everything would be alright...

I look at the people around me and I feel weird... I have friends, I love them and they love me but one day we will seperate our ways and maybe never see each other again... I went to that one school before when I had two really close friends. Sometimes I meet them but we barely talk. I can't think of any topic with them. They were my best friends and I am not able to call anyone other that, because they are still here, I love them and that will never change. But there are people that I am closer to now and I can't call them best friends because it doesn't just seem right.

I seem like that crazy happy person for the others. I wouldn't say it's a mask, I feel like that too, when I am with my friends... But when I am alone, just with my family or just.. stop talking for a moment I feel like nothing makes sense and nothing matters. Today we had german lesson. We were practicing some words by telling each other compliments. So many people said they think I'm 'lustig' which means happy... How wrong they are...

My mind and feelings are complicated, I myself don't understand them sometimes. I am happy but I just snap from it in a moment without any reason. Yeah, I am a teenager, so I am in puberty and puberty is always hard but I feel like there's something more than just that...

I am scared... I am scared of life, scared of future, scared of past.

Sometimes I just cry for no reason.

It's been five years since my parents broke up and they are still fighting about me and my brother.

It's hard.

I may have some eating disorder too... Recently I don't eat that much and I started being really  picky... Which is even worse, because my dad always wants us to eat everything he gives us... It's usually too much and recently it doesn't taste good for me... It always did and his cooking style didn't change but I don't like the food anymore.

I was thinking about running away from home several times. I had it planned. I thought I would go at the weekend in night. I would pack all the stuff that I need into my school bag. I would run when I'd be at my dad's place and go to mum's cause she stays with her boyfriend when we're at dad's. I would leave my dad and brother a note about all of my feelings... It would look similar to this chapter. I would eat things I'd find at mum's. When the time when we should actually go there comes, I would talk with my friends and stay at on of their houses, lying their parents about that my parents agreed with that. I would come baco after some time, reminding my family that there are more things that matter than just grades, knowledge and stuff like that.

I don't know why I am writimg this... No one will read it and if someone would they can't help. Nice comments would cheer me up but just a little bit..

I feel like the only people that understand me are online... Total strangers from the internet living somewhere across the world. You are miles away but it feels like you're standing right beside me, helping me with everything.

Before anyone says that, no, I am not making this up and I am not doing it for attention. I am just writing my feelings down, because I need someone to talk to even if they just listen and wait.do anything, I will feel better after letting it all out.

I know there are people who have it worse and I try to help everyone I can, but each person can take only a limited ammount of shit happening in their life and the ammount is different for each person. We all have some limit and my is quite low, but I can't control it. All I can do is stay strong and live through this. I can't know it, but I hope it will get better in the future. I can't say I believe it will but I cam hope. I can wait...

If you read all of this, thanks...