Trigger warnings: Self-hatred, Swearing, Estranged family relations

The air is hot, stuffy and smells of sweat as we all stand packed together in our age groups. My legs are heavy and it feels like we were standing for hours before the Capitol escort even arrived or the Mayor did his speech. I can't see Sparkle but I know she is standing somewhere with the fifteen year olds.

The Capitol escort – Gwen Maple, an eyesore in a sequined rainbow dress – beams at us as she approaches the balls. I feel a ripple of anticipation run through the crowd. It's time for the female tribute to be chosen.

I feel sick and I clench my dress to stop my hands from shaking. I glance to where I know Splendour is standing with the eighteen-year-olds. Her lips are pressed together, looking anywhere but at the ball and the rest of us. And as sure as the sun that rises each day, I know then that she's not going to volunteer. That she never was.

I watch Gwen Maple's hand descend into the ball. So many slips of paper. But how many have Sparkle's name written onto them? How many have Sapphire's?

With a dramatic flourish, Gwen Maple pulls out a slip of paper and moves over to the microphone.

Even though I know what she is going to say, it still comes as a shock.

"Sapphire Burns."

People cheer, but as I look again at Splendour, I feel everyone else's heads do the same. She's still standing the same way, eyes fixed on the ground, her face a mix of determination and resolution.

Sapphire moves gracefully towards the stage, her back erect and her head held high. And even though it's been two years, even though I can't see her face, I still recognise that proud way she holds herself. The way she acts when she's trying not to cry.

Maybe it's that which spurs me into motion.

"I volunteer!" I scream.

The other seventeen year olds startle and move out the way. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Splendour raise her head to stare at me, but my gaze is fixed on Sapphire. She's glaring at me, but I can see the confusion in her eyes.

"A volunteer! How lovely!" Gwen says into the microphone, and I look away from Sapphire to the stage. Gwen Maple's hand is outstretched, beckoning me forwards, "Please come up, dear!"

I try and give Sapphire a reassuring smile and make my way as confidently as I can to the stage. Even as I climb the steps, this feels like a bad dream. Any second, I am going to wake up and Sapphire won't have been picked and I'll be safe. But my feet take step after step and suddenly I'm on the stage, staring out at the hundreds of District One citizens.

"What's your name, dear?" Gwen Maple beams at me, angling the microphone into my face.

I see the cameras and remember that right now, the whole Capitol is watching. I plaster my brightest smile over my face. My muscles are tight, and I know the practice I did this morning will not be enough to hide the fear in my eyes.

"Call me Glimmer Jewel." Somehow, my voice comes out confident and not choked.

Glimmer Jewel. It isn't my real name, but I need one that the Capitol will remember.

"Congratulations Glimmer!" Says Gwen, and to my surprise, she winks. Is she trying to reassure me? "And now for the gentlemen!"

She reaches into the ball for the boys. Please let it be Marvel, I think, that way he won't be able to volunteer...

But of course it isn't.

"Alabaster Gem."

I find him in the crowd. A twelve year old boy who's shaking with fright.

"I volunteer!" A voice shouts.

It's Marvel, the idiot. He's grinning from ear to ear. Doesn't he realise what he's just done?

Gwen beams, "Wonderful! Two volunteers! Come and join us on the stage, dear!"

Around him, the boys clap and cheer as Marvel makes his way over. My eyes land on Moonshine. His arms are folded, and his expression is neutral but his eyes track Marvel as he climbs the stage. Why didn't he volunteer? Did he never plan to?

"What's your name, dear?" I hear Gwen ask Marvel.

"Marvel Blade."

"Glimmer Jewel and Marvel Blade, our tributes from District One!" Gwen shouts, before turning to the two of us, "Now, shake hands."

Marvel's smile is easy and charming as he reaches over to clasp my hand. I try to keep my smile on my face as I shake it, and we are led into the Justice Building.

                                                                                          ***

The room is small but richly furnished. Paintings of landscapes I don't recognise hang around the room. In the centre, on a cream carpeted rug, sits a round wooden table and plush red chair. I start to head towards it but suddenly the door bursts open.

"Glimmer!" Ma strides across the room, flanked by my aunt and grandmother. A sob escapes my throat, and I start towards her. She crushes me into her arms, and I'm enveloped in a safe world of spices and herbs.

"You have five minutes," A voice further off says and I hear the sound of the door being closed shut.

"Oh Glimmer," Ma sighs. She pulls away, bending down so that her deep brown eyes are in line with mine. She presses her hand to my head, stroking my hair, "I love you so much."

My aunt hovers in my periphery, clasping and unclasping her hands. She offers me a shaky smile when she sees me looking.

"Listen," Ma says, drawing my focus back to her, "Use what I taught you. Hand to hand, pub brawl fighting."

"It won't work against weapons."

"It can and it will," She says firmly, "But be fast and catch them by surprise."

"Always one step ahead," I mumble.

That's my girl," She smiles, pressing a warm hand to my cheek."

"Glimmer," My grandmother's voice cuts through the silence. I turn to see her seated on the red chair, "Come here."

I clasp and squeeze Ma's hand and let go, walking over to my grandmother. She sits straight and regal, like a queen sitting on her throne.

She regards me for a moment, "This was Moonshine's last year to volunteer." Her voice is cool and distant as if she's only remarking on the weather, "Will you take up his mantle?"

"Mother!" Ma moves towards me, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder that doesn't match the roughness in her voice, "You can't force this upon her!"

"Which is why I'm asking, Citrine." My grandmother retorts, calmly.

"Glimmer," Ma fills my vision, clasping my face in her hands, "You don't have to say yes. Just focus on the Games and-"

"I will," I say, turning to my grandmother. I hear behind me my aunt let out a sob.

"Glimmer, it's your choice." Ma tries.

"I know," I reply, as my grandmother stares at me steadily, "But I can do this. And I'd never forgive myself if I had the opportunity to-" I glance towards the door, "do this and not follow through."

"Glimmer-"

Ma's voice is fearful, and I shove down the hurt it causes me.

"I can do this," I tell her fiercely, "I want to."

"Oh Glimmer," My aunt sobs, covering her face with her hands.

Ma holds my gaze and then nods.

"Fine." She says, sighing, "Fine."

She reaches into a pocket of her dress and pulls out something gold. My eyes widen. It's a hairpin shaped in the form of a butterfly, "Aurora made it for Moonshine." Ma casts a glance at my aunt, "It wouldn't be questioned with his long hair. But, even so, it might be less noticeable in yours."

I reach out and she encloses it in my hands. It feels surprisingly heavy.

"It has some...adjustments," Ma's eyes flicker to my finger, "Like your ring."

I nod, and carefully slide the hairpin into my hair. Ma's face crumples and pulls me into a hug. I hear movement behind me and feel my aunt and grandmother wrap their arms around me.

"It's okay if you fail," Ma whispers, "Just come back to us."

We stay in our huddle until the Peacekeeper arrives, telling us it's time and tearing us apart. I'm still reaching out to them when the Peacekeeper opens the door, ushering in my next visitor.

Sparkle.

Her face is streaked with tears, and she races towards me. She pulls me into a hug, her arms wrapped around my middle.

"You're an idiot," She mumbles into my dress.

Somehow this makes me smile, "I know."

She releases me and steps back, her head turned so I can't see her tears, furiously scrubbing at her face.

Finally she looks up, "Glimmer-"

From that one word, her tone – desperate but also guilt-ridden- tells me everything. I move over a wall and slowly slide down it so I'm sitting on the floor, facing her.

"I can't save him, Sparkle," I say, "I'm not even sure I can save myself, and if it comes down to it, I'm not going to sacrifice myself. I'm sorry."

I watch her face, as she wars between anger and acceptance. She's young, a girl of fifteen with so much life to live. And yet, she stands broken. As if she's played life's cruel game and has already lost.

Her friends. Her boyfriend, Shinner. And now Marvel. Just how much can be taken from her?

She moves across the room and follows my movement so that she's sitting next to me.

"Then don't," She murmurs, gently taking my hand in hers, "Just try to come back. Please. I can't lose both of you."

Her lips are pressed tight, as if by clenching her mouth shut, she'll be able to keep those tears at bay.

I squeeze her hand and lean in towards her, "As long as you promise not to do anything rash like take down the Capitol while I'm gone."

She smiles faintly, "Deal."

"And if I don't come back," I murmur, "Then don't act until the time is right."

She stares, "How will I know when the time is right?"

I smile and tuck a wayward strand of her dark hair back with the others, "Keep your head down and listen. Wait for the mood to change."

She frowns, "It may never change, and I'd rather be a dead bird that's free than an alive one forever trapped in a cage."

I sigh. Her indomitable spirit. As stupid as it is, I know it's what's been keeping her going, helping her put one foot in front of the other when all seems lost.

"Just be careful."

"Come back alive," She retorts.

Like my family, she's taken too soon. The last I see of her is the determined set of her shoulders as the Peacekeepers lead her from the room. I huddle into myself, burying my head into my arms, when I hear the door open to admit the next visitor.

"Having regrets already?" An acerbic voice snaps.

I raise my head from my arms. Sapphire stands in the centre of the room in all her glory. Her hands are on her hips as she glares down at me disdainfully.

"Just leave if you're here to gloat," I mumble.

If she hears me, she pretends not to, pacing the room and tossing her long hair with each rotation.

"You're jealous of me," She sniffs, "I'm the best at sword fighting. Everyone says so. I would've gone to the Capitol and won and returned a Victor, rich and famous." She stops mid-step and turns to sneer at me, "But you couldn't bear that. You were miserable and alone and wanted all that fame and attention for yourself. So you decided you'd steal it from me."

"A pretty story," I say, my voice low, "But you're not one of the best, Sapphire. You're one of the worst and you always have been. You should have learnt not to trust what everyone says. Mayor's daughter, remember? They all just want to use and befriend you."

She flinches but doesn't respond. "You never needed to train before you were never going to be Reaped," I say with a sigh, "The Reaping was rigged against you."

"Impossible," She hisses.

"Remind me, who is the one person who's only ever told you the truth?" I push myself from the ground, standing, "They've had their eye on you since Amethyst died. It was almost certain you were going to be chosen. And you wouldn't have survived in that arena."

"So you decided to play hero," Her smugness and righteousness twisting into an ugly snarl, as she steps towards me, "You decided to save me just like you did when Amethyst died." She spits.

"I'm sorry," I murmur, "I'm sorry I let Amethyst died. I'm sorry that I knew what she was up to and didn't tell you."

"Good."

"But I'm not sorry for saving you!" I shout.

Silence falls between us as we hold each other's gazes.

Then: "I hate you," She says, quieter now.

"I know," I sigh, "Sometimes I hate myself too."

"This is what this is, then?" She demands, her eyes narrowing, "Some kind of stupid attempt at redemption?"

"Maybe," I admit, "Or maybe it's just because I care about you."

"Me?" She barks, "No one cares about me. Least of all you."

I shrug.

"I picked on you, ignored you for years!" Her voice is shrill "I made you a laughing stock!"

"Is this an apology?"

"No," She lowers her voice now, "I can't. Not after what you did. But that doesn't mean I want you to be a suicidal moron and die in my place."

I push myself off the wall, and move closer so that we are now inches apart, "You have every right to hate me. But I could never hate you. You were the first person to show me kindness."

"Shut up," She hisses.

"You were my first friend."

She stares at me, and the door swings open.

"Miss Sapphire, it's time," The Peacekeeper says, his voice gentle but insistent.

"Wait," She says, still looking at me, "I-"

I smile at her sadly, "Thank you," The Peacekeeper moves forward to grab her by the arm, "Have a good life."

He pulls her away and she continues to gape in shock, and gently closes the door.

                                                                                      ***

I don't expect any more visitors so when the door opens again, I'm sitting on the red chair, gripping the armrests and drawing my hands repeatedly over the fabric.

"Go away," I growl.

"No."

My eyes widen and I glance across the room. Moonshine. So he did come after all.

"I take it you're not here to show me some cousinly love," Pain bleeds through my voice despite my attempt to keep it neutral.

"Save Marvel," He says, his voice flat.

I raise an eyebrow, "So that's why you're here."

"Save Marvel," He repeats.

"You should have saved him at the Reaping," Somehow, my voice remains even, "Like you were supposed to."

"I didn't think he was going to- I didn't know-"

"When did you decide not to volunteer?" I ask sharply.

The question catches him off guard and he grits his teeth, "Since I've been old enough to think for myself!" He says bitterly, "I'm not going to sacrifice myself for parents I've never met and three hags who are fixated on themselves and the past!"

I stand, anger coursing through me, "They're not hags!"

"Aren't they? The Mother, the Maiden, the Crone, and of course," His gaze lingers on me, crawling all over my body with disgust, "the Virgin sacrifice, who wasted her life fawning for their attention."

I flinch, but force myself to rally, "Says the boy who's spent all his life training!"

"For fun! I've made friends and lived. Unlike you, hidden away and scared," He spits, "You're nothing! Nothing compared to Marvel!"

He lurches forward grabbing me hard by my arms.

"Save him!"

His eyes are wild, spittle dripping from his mouth.

"You love him," I realise.

"So do you. Don't pretend that you don't!" He hisses, "I saw your pathetic failed attempt to give him that present on his birthday. So save him. You know his life is worth yours a hundred times over."

"I'm nothing," I say innocently, "So I can't save him."

"You-"

"But," I continue, "Even if I could, it's near impossible. He's good but he's nowhere near the best. And he's has no willpower."

"He-"

"You know it too, Moonshine! The only thing he's fighting for is his mother's approval!"

A strange expression forms on Moonshine's face but it disappears before I can work it out.

"What?" I demand.

He turns so he's not looking me in the eye, "He knows we're cousins."

"How?"

"I told him," He grits his teeth, "To give him something...to fight for."

It makes sense. Knowing I'm his cousin's best friend, Marvel would watch over me in the arena, and it would give him a tangible goal to force him to keep going in that arena. But like me, he's a coward. If it came down to it, he would save himself every time.

I can't help the smile that spreads across my face, "So he'll be trying to save me," I murmur, "For his dear best friend."

"So save him in return," Moonshine urges. When I don't respond, he grips me harder, "If you do, you'll both have a better chance! Glimmer, promise me you'll save him!"

I stare at him. It's strange that this is the closest we've been physically since we were children. Part of me believes that if I say yes, say that I will save Marvel in that arena, then he will love me like he used to. But that is all fantasy of course. Moonshine is incapable of loving anyone but himself. Except for maybe Marvel.

I'm not a pawn to be so dismissively and cruelly used and I long ago saw the beauty in living for myself.

"Moonshine," I say, as the door opens and the Peacekeeper enters.

Hope and violence swim in my cousin's eyes as I lean in close.

"Fuck off," I whisper.

His eyes widen. The Peacekeeper hauls him off me. Moonshine reaches for me, twisting and snarling until the door shuts between us.

I sink to my knees, unable to stop the tears now. I knew he never cared about me. I saw it every day. But I have never seen it made so explicitly and vindictively clear. He never intended to kill Snow, never cared about this family. And I am what I've always been – dirt to be smeared beneath his feet.

"Want a drink?"

Daz stands above me, head tilted, smiling playfully as she dangles a bottle full of red liquid in front of me.

"I'm underage," I mumble.

"And yet here you are being sentenced to death," She murmurs, dropping down beside me. She drapes an arm around my shoulders and takes a swig from the bottle, "What a world we live in."

I glance at her, her dark eyes serious as she stares at the bottle in her hand, seeming deep in thought.

"Who have you lost?" I murmur.

She smiles, "Do I need to have lost anyone to care? Come on, drink up! You might not get a chance at the Capitol!"

I grimace, waving away the proffered bottle. I stare at the carpet, picturing Moonshine as he pressed his face in mine, demanding I throw away my life for Marvel's. The tears start up again and my vision blurs. I've always been less than nothing. It was foolish for me to pretend otherwise. I've done things I can't take back, and when I've done nothing, I've cost the lives of Amethyst, Krystal and Petal. I deserve to die.

"That's right," Daz soothes, running her hand repeatedly down my back, "Let it out."

"Daz," I choke, "Is it selfish that I don't want to die?"

I don't know why I'm asking her this. Maybe it's because she's someone I barely know and I can afford her disappointment and scorn.

I expect her to laugh, but she doesn't.

"No. We were all born to live, after all. How can there be something selfish in doing what you were meant to do?" She gets up and stretches, bottle still in hand, "Take care Glimmer," She says softly, "I'll keep an eye on Sparkle whilst you're gone."

Everyone is born to live. Born to survive. I mull that over as I watch Daz leaves the room.

I will show them, I decide, I will show them, and above all I will show myself. That I am not useless. Or nothing. I will do what Moonshine was meant to do. I will kill Snow and make a better life for my family and Sparkle. And failing that, I will do my best to survive in that arena. 

So we've had the Reaping! Tried my best to show all the different messy relationships going on, but definitely struggled with some interactions more than others. Please let me know what you think and give feedback!

squirrelmonkey123 :-D