Call my aunt Marie
                                   Help her gather all my things

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We got the call at 3 a.m on our second wedding anniversary.

Pancreatic cancer.

He had maybe 6-8 months to live.

To live.

He was going to die.

Lance, the love of my life. My entire world.

Was going to die.

6-8 months.

Chemo was an option but the doctors doubted it'd work. He was too far gone. The cells had metasticied too rapidly in the past month.

I didn't know what that meant.

I paid for the chemo.

Lance wanted me to call his aunt first. She was the strongest in the family he believed. She'd be able to help him tell the rest of his family.

But the strongest doesn't mean strong. She fell apart, along with the rest of his family.

We went to visit them, I packed Lance's bags.

They were horrified simply. Their reactions didn't help Lance.

They couldn't understand how their vibrant, ray of sunshine, could turn into such a hollow shell of himself.

I couldn't either.

His hair is falling out. The beautiful brown locks my fingers would rest in for days.

The lips I could kiss for hours were chapped and faded. Peeling.

His skin was rough, and he bled easily when I bathed him.

The chemo isn't working. They said I need to be patient. That he's only been on for a month.

But that's one month gone, not added.

I can't afford to be patient anymore.

We left his family. Lance felt he couldn't be himself anymore around them.

But it was hard to see him try. His boisterous laughs were forced, and ended up in coughing fits of blood.

He has asked me to take him back to our wedding spot. Our beach.

He wants to walk the white beaches one more time with me.

He wants to make me blueberry pancakes one more time.

He wants to feel the salt water one more time. With me.

He didn't say one more time. But he doesn't need to.

We hadn't been enough times to begin with.

There's not enough times.

He's running out of time, and I don't want him to leave.

I wonder if he wants to leave.

And I wonder if he wouldn't feel so alone if I could go with him.