THIRTY FOUR.   may flowers growing through december snow

      The last time Tatum saw Abby Griffin was when she was sixteen years old. She was a scared teenager in a crisis and Abby was the only person she trusted in that moment. She knew her biggest secret. She carried it with her for years and years. Tatum never thought she'd see her again. But there she was on the medical bed, the same place she'd been nearly three years ago. She was older now, more experienced to the world; her younger self was buried beneath the rubble she'd been thrown into.

As Abby stood in front of her, she couldn't believe her eyes. She eyed the scars on her upper body, the deep cuts and harsh bruises. Old and new lacerations. She looked defeated. "Oh, Tatum. . ."

Tatum sniffled. "Long time no see."

She cupped her face and lifted her head. "You look so. . .grown up." She exhaled the words.

"I had to." She nearly whispered.

Abby hugged her. Tatum again felt like she was sixteen years old again, crying in her arms when she was told that she was pregnant. It made her cry more. "You poor thing." Abby muttered close to her ear. She held her lightly, not wanting to hurt her even more than she probably already was. "Let me look at you."

Tatum felt uncomfortable as she observed her mangled skin. She sucked in a deep breath through her nose. Her nails dug themselves into the palms of her hands.

Abby's fingers traced the stitches as she observed them. "Who did the stitching?"

"A woman in the grounder camp. She was their medic, essentially." Tatum answered while staring at her hands.

"The same people who caused them?"

The bitterness in her voice made her look over her shoulder. "I had to prove myself. The scars show that I fought hard." She determined.

Abby eyed her for a second before turning back to the scars. She lightly traced the burn marks that overlapped her scars from the cougar attack. "You brave girl." She whispered again.

Tatum closed her eyes, her emotions running high again.

"I remember when you were just a kid. Always getting into trouble. Sometimes getting away with it." Abby started to say with a slightly laugh. "But you were always so kind. Even when your father died, you were never cruel. I remember that day when I told you that you were pregnant so clearly."

"Yeah, me too." She laughed again.

"You've overcome so much and you're only eighteen years old."

If she dwelled on for too long, Tatum was sure she'd break down, and she didn't want to do that yet. Her emotions were still everywhere from what happened at the grounder camp. She felt so guilty that there was nothing she could do. She made a promise to Lexa. Instead, she watched her friend go crazy and she was forced to leave the grounders behind. Leave Dominic behind. It was another tick on her long list of failures.

She left the medical room with slouched shoulders. When she walked out of the station, it was still light outside. She saw people looking at her. They knew her and who she was. Tatum Adler, the girl who murdered Riley Evergreen.

Stepping into the bright light burned her blue eyes, and the marks on her skin became visible to everyone. They stopped and stared, whispered and talked about her. Normally, Tatum would have no problem telling them to fuck off with a nasty glare but at the moment, she just felt drained. Like she had no fight in her.

Octavia came and stood by her side. She eyed the braids in her messy black hair that was still in a ponytail. "How are you?" She gently asked.

"Not sure." Tatum simply replied.

She frowned slightly. "Tate, I'm so sorry about everything. I didn't know they were going to do that to you. I got away and I thought you—"

"V," she interrupted Octavia and looked at her. She forced a small smile. "I'm not mad at you. I promise. I was just. . .so worried about you."

The younger Blake brought her into a hug and Tatum resisted the urge to flinch. "I'm so happy you're okay." Octavia whispered, sounding like she was going to cry.

Tatum's eyes remained open and on the ground. She didn't respond.

Octavia pulled back and eyed her face, seeing how tired she was. The color drained from her face and the dullness in her eyes. She'd been through so much, it showed on every scar on her body, but she was alive. Tatum Adler could never be defeated. "What happened to you?"

Again, all Tatum could do was stare at her. "A lot." She managed to conjure up.

Before she could say anything else, Bellamy came forward and he eyed the two of them. "Hey," he spoke and placed a hand on her back, looking down at her with soft eyes. "You alright?"

She faked another smile and looked up at him. "Sure."

It wasn't the answer he was hoping for but Bellamy didn't push it. Octavia looked between them and smiled warmly. "I'm gonna—" she pointed to the side. "Yeah." She walked away.

Tatum breathed out a chuckle through her nose. Bellamy stood in front of her and smiled. He noticed her discomfort. "What's the matter?"

"Everyone's staring at me."

He lifted his head and looked at everyone that was in camp. They looked away when they saw him looking but there was indeed people staring at her and whispering. He glared at him. "Just ignore 'em." Bellamy said and looked down at her again. "You're Tatum Adler. They know not to mess with you."

Tatum blinked. "I'm not sure if that's a good thing."

The corners of his lips turned downward at her sorrow. He hated nothing more than to see her so sad, so defeated. Bellamy fell in love with her because of her fire, because of her strong urge to protect the people she loved. She didn't have anyone to protect her in the grounder camp, and that angered him. "Come on." He muttered and took her hand.

Camp Jaha was surrounded by a metal wall made from the wreckage to keep anyone from getting in going out. But there was enough space to see the view of the forest where the camp was located. Tatum kept a tight grip on Bellamy's hand as he lead to the back of the camp ground.

Smoke covered the tree's horizon line. The sun shined bright through the bank of clouds. It seemed like the trees stretched out for miles. It reminded Tatum of the first time she arrived on the Earth. All she saw was green. Green trees, green grass, green moss. She'd never seen such bright colors before. Now the green consumed her. It was apart of her, reminding her that the stars she lived in was behind her — a piece of her teenhood left behind.

Bellamy stood behind her and he wrapped one of his arms around her shoulder, his chin pressed to the top of her head. She relaxed in his arms. "Just look at that." He said while looking at the trees. "Don't think about anything else. You're not back there anymore. You're here, with me and our friends. This is real."

Bellamy was always good at knowing what to say. He knew how to get people to follow him, but he also knew how to calm her nerves. How to get rid of her anger. Tatum was wildfire and Bellamy was gold. He was the calm to her chaos. She observed the view in his arms and it was the one placed she felt safe. With him, Tatum wasn't afraid of someone coming after her or trying to hurt her. She didn't have to worry about death or any more pain. Because Bellamy loved her. May flowers growing through December snow.

Two days passed since Tatum left the grounder camp. Two days of nightmares, of waking up screaming and crying and Bellamy having to hold her and assure her that she was okay. Two days of going to medical so Abby could check her wounds. Two days of being consumed with guilt for breaking the promise she made Lexa. Tatum was a woman of her word. The scar on her hand was a symbol of that. Which worried her about what would happen to her if the grounders came to attack them. What would they do to her for breaking that promise?

As she downed another glass of moonshine, all Tatum could think about was Monty and Jasper. They were still trapped in Mount Weather and she felt sick to her stomach at the thought. She hadn't been separated from them for this long since she was thrown into the Sky Box on the Ark. All she could think about was if they were okay, if they weren't okay, and if they were being hurt or not. She had the mind to ask Clarke but part of her didn't want to strike a nerve, while the other part knew she couldn't handle the information if it was true.

"How many's that?"

Tatum wiped her mouth and sat the cup down. "Four. I'm keeping track."

Murphy chuckled lowly. "I know. I've seen you down about ten of Monty's moonshine." He stood by her side. He watched her click her jaw at the mention of Monty. "Sorry. Sore spot, I know."

Tatum looked his way. She looked at the long claw marks that started from his forehead and went all the way down to his jaw, overlapping his eye. She tightened her grip around the cup in her hand. "When did you get back?" She moved on, not wanting to talk about Monty.

"Just now. Finally got through questioning." He answered. "Wonder how many times I'll be pardoned on this damn planet."

Tatum scoffed. "More than you deserve." She loudly asked for another drink.

Murphy's joking manner died slightly. "I didn't know Finn was going to do that, Tate." He insisted, knowing what she was upset about.

She looked at him again with a slight glare. "But you went along with it. You kept those poor people, those kids, captive and now most of them are dead." She spat.

"They kidnapped you, Tatum!" He raised his voice, her protectiveness over the grounders surprising him. "They tortured you exactly like they did me. You think I wasn't going the hell out of my mind knowing you were trapped in that camp? All I could think about was if you were dead or not!"

Her lips tightened into a thin line. She backed up slightly. Things between them were still strange. Neither had the time or courage to bring up the elephant in the room, that Murphy confessed his love to her. Tatum couldn't process it even with the amount of time had passed. They were best friends at one point. The only pair who understood each other's situations.

But she never thought that he felt that way towards her. They were so young when they had their first kiss, when Murphy's crush on her developed and Tatum first started thinking about boys in that way. But she grew out of it with him. She cared more about their friendship than a couple of meaningless kisses.

She was in love with Bellamy. Everybody knew it. Murphy knew it, and it nearly destroyed a part of him. "Not all of them were like that, John. I fought to keep my life. They were staring to trust me."

Murphy laughed disbelievingly. "They didn't trust you, Tate. They wanted to kill you because that's who they are. What, you thought you were gonna become one of them? Live happily ever after? Come back down to reality, Adler. You're not one of them."

Tatum gulped. She stared at him hard in the eyes. "I think I'd rather be one of them than one of you." She spat at him again.

That time, Murphy didn't have anything to say. He continued to stare at her. The scars on her face and visible arms angered him to the core, but he couldn't do anything about it. She wasn't his to sacrifice himself for. At one point, Murphy would have killed everybody to keep her safe. Now, it sometimes felt like they were never friends at all. They would never be those kids on the Ark again. He picked up his cup and held it up. "Cheers, Tate." He muttered and walked away, leaving her standing there.

Tatum released a breath and closed her eyes. It was so late and she was so tired, but she was scared to sleep. She knew she shouldn't have been defending the grounders, the people who kept her captive and hurt her. But all she could think of was Dominic and the kindness he showed her. He was just a little kid but even she could tell his heart was big. She missed him.

Bellamy came over, passing Murphy on his way, and he saw the stressed out look on her face. "Are you alright? Did he say something?" He got defensive.

Tatum opened her eyes again and saw a full cup of moonshine in front of her. She took it and gulped it down, sighing loudly. "It's Murphy. He doesn't think before he speaks." She grumbled.

He carefully walked closer to her. He put his hand on her arm and rubbed it up and down her skin. "I know this is the worst time to say this, but, you should relax."

Tatum titled her head. "Our friends are stuck in Mount Weather, Bell. I can't just relax. How can you relax?"

"Because I know we're going to find them. Clarke has a map. She'll get us there." He confidently spoke. He told the guy at the bar to bring another round of drinks. He looked at his girlfriend. Tatum rubbed her eyes. Her dark hair was down and passed her shoulders, frizzy from the heat and tucked behind her ears. The orange light from the torches around them shined on her face, emphasizing her cheekbones. "You're beautiful."

Tatum looked at him again, this time her expression gentle. She didn't respond, but she smiled. It wasn't a fake one.

Bellamy got the round of drinks and he motioned his head at her. "C'mon."

She followed him to his table where Clarke had left. Her map remained on the table. Tatum plopped on the chair and sighed again. She took her cup and downed the rest of the disgusting liquid.

From across the table, Bellamy watched her. The question he'd been thinking of resurfaced in his head. "I've been holding back asking you this cause I don't wanna make you upset, but. . ." He started to say. "That kid back in the grounder camp. Who was he?"

The mention of Dominic caused her heart to feel heavy. Tatum frowned again and she looked into her empty cup. His curly blonde hair and forest eyes popped into her head. "His name is Dominic. He's thirteen, just a little boy. H-He was really kind to me. Afraid of me at first, but, he started to warm up to me. Thought of me as his friend." She explained and hinted a smile. She tapped her fingers against the cup. "I was really protective over him. He doesn't have any family. I. . ." Tatum choked on the words she wanted to say. "I really wanted him to come back with me." She uttered in a whisper.

Bellamy frowned when her eyes glossed over. He recognized that look, the tone in her voice, she shakiness. It was how she talked about Charlotte, how she looked after she died. Tatum's heart was so big, bigger than what people believed, and when it came to children, it grew bigger. Because she lost a piece of herself a long time ago and she searched for it in the children she met. Now Finn took that from her. "I'm so sorry, Tate."

Tatum smiled shakily. "It's okay." She whispered again.

He reached over the table and held out his hand, his palm facing up. Instantly, she put hers in his and he held it. Squeezed it. Caressed her skin with his thumb. Bellamy channeled the love he had for her into the physical contact and he hoped to god that she knew how much he loved her.

I'm such a softie for them it's not even funny