EIGHTEEN.   I was meant to love you

      When Tatum was thirteen, she watched her father suffer from tuberculosis. He was only forty. They didn't know how it started or why it happened because he was healthy. She didn't understand how such a healthy person could suffer from something so terrible. For months, Tatum watched her father lay in the hospital bed of the medical station. She saw everything from him having seizures, to coughing up blood, to not eating, and having extremely low and high temperatures. It got so bad that he couldn't even sit up properly.

Her father was her best friend. She never knew her mother because of her dying after giving birth to her. He was all she had. They knew each other through and through, always knew what the other person was thinking, and how they were feeling. He was her twin, essentially. Everybody on the Ark adored Silas Adler. Imagine the shock and sadness of them all when the rumor spread that he was dying.

Three months after her fourteenth birthday, Silas Adler took his last breath while holding his daughter's hand. His last words to her were that he would love her forever. Life for Tatum became really dark. She watched her father die of a deadly sickness and now her was in the same situation, practically dying of the same thing. She coughed up blood like he did. Had seizures like he did. She was both cold and hot. Tatum feared that she would end up like him.

Clarke and her sat on the ramp of the drop ship so they could get some air. The tan tone of her skin was almost nonexistent. There were purple bags under her eyes from exhaustion. She took steady breaths as the clean air invaded her lungs.

Clarke wasn't much better either. While trying her best to make sure everyone was taken care of, she felt absolutely horrible. The same purple bags hung from her eyes and dried blood coated her face. They looked like zombies.

They watched as the boys from camp carried another body off the drop ship. They'd been dropping like flies. "Alright, shows over. Get back to your posts!" Shouted Bellamy. He stood in front of the girls. "You got enough food in there? Water?"

Clarke nodded weakly. "Yeah. Some medicine might be nice."

"Possibly a blood transfusion," Tatum grumbled and she held her face in her hands. "Considering i've hacked half of mine up."

Bellamy laughed. "I'll see what I can do. How're you feeling?" He asked her specifically.

"About as good as I look."

"Which is beautiful. Like always."

"Oh, you're gonna try and butter me up when I look like i'm dying?" She joked.

Clarke raised an eyebrow. "Butter you up?" She repeated with a raise of her brow.

"My dad used to say it."

Bellamy smiled. "Anything to cheer you up, Star Girl."  He turned his attention to the inside of the drop ship. "Octavia, you in there?"

Both girls looked at each other with wide eyes.

After not getting a response, Bellamy started to walk into the drop ship. Clarke stood up and stopped him. "Bellamy, wait, she's not here. I sent her to see Lincoln." She explained to him and held her breath.

His face hardened into a glare. Tatum awkwardly whistled under her breath.

"Look, if there's a cure, he has it. I didn't tell you because I knew you wouldn't let her go."

"If anything happens to her, you and me are gonna have a problem."

"Bellamy, wait—" As Clarke tried to stop him, a panic broke out around camp.

More and more people were getting sick and it started to frighten people to the point they were raising guns on each other. Tatum stood up, despite the dizziness in her head, and darted toward them. "Okay guys, calm down!" She shouted.

A boy holding a gun pointed it in her direction,  making her step back. "Why don't we end it right here?" He threatened.

Another boy shook his head. "No way dude. Bellamy will kill you."

While she was distracted, a girl she didn't know came up and grabbed Tatum by the arms, and started to shake her. "Let go of me!" She yelled in the girl's face and punched her, making Tatum fall to the ground.

"Hey!" Shouted Clarke while Bellamy grabbed the gun from the boy who was pointing it at her and punched him hard in the face. "Tatum, are you okay?" She said and quickly helped her up.

Tatum huffed in anger and stormed back to the drop ship. She grabbed one of the rifles from the wall and trudged back outside. She pointed the weapon in the air and set it off, the loud sound making everyone stop yelling and turn to her.

She glared at them. "You think this isn't what the grounders want? It is." She spoke loudly and moved the middle of camp. "They don't have to kill us if we kill each other first and at this moment, I'm real damn close to doing the job for them cause you're all pissing me off. So chill the hell out and go back to your business of trying to make sure we don't die. If that's not too convenient for you. Move!"  Her harsh words made them scatter.

Bellamy blinked his wide eyes. "Jesus, even when you're sick, you have a temper."

"Because they're all fucking idiots." She hissed and rubbed her head. A cough built in her throat and she let it out until it scratched the walls. Blood shot out of her mouth.

"Okay, okay, let's get you to the drop ship, hot shot." He said and put his hand on her back.

She gave him a blank stare. "You're enjoying this, aren't?"

He chuckled and walked her to the drop ship. "I am actually."

A jolt to her body is what woke her up. Another cough erupted from her throat and she sat up from the hammock, coughing hysterically. Murphy, who was sitting beside her, quickly grabbed a bucket and held it out for her. Tatum leaned over and threw up, the retching sounds echoing off the walls, and blood came from her mouth again.

Murphy watched her with careful eyes. When she was done, he sat the bucket down and dipped a cloth into cold water. She leaned back against the hammock and he wiped the sweat from her face. "Sorry." She mumbled with an exhausted breath.

"What are you sorry for?" He asked with a chuckle.

"I don't know. Just felt the need to." She responded weakly. He dragged the cloth down the side her face. "Is this how you felt when you got sick?"

"Maybe not this bad, but, pretty close."

Her eyes fluttered closed for a second. "I remember coming to see you. You looked so weak and sad. I would watch you cry because it hurt so much."

Murphy frowned at the memory. "You were always there. Even after they floated my dad." As he cleaned the sweat off her face, actual tears started forming in her eyes. He noticed this. "Why are you crying?"

Tatum sniffed. "Again, I don't know. I just miss the way things used to be, y'know? When we were kids. We didn't have to worry about all this shit." Another tear fell. "They think you're a horrible person but you're not. I know you, John. And I'm sorry. I tried to stop them."

She only called him John in serious moments. Murphy grabbed a stool and sat beside her again. "It's not your fault, Tate. I don't blame you. I know I started acting like a jackass and that's what ruined our friendship. There wasn't a day I was out there on my own that I didn't think about you and how sorry I am."

She chuckled through her crying. "Wish we could just go back to that game of Truth or Dare."

He hummed a smile. "Right. When I was a trembling twelve year old boy and thought you were so beautiful."

She looked at him again, her expression changing.

Murphy still smiled. It turned lopsided. "That a long time ago, though."

Before she could say anything, there was a violent amount of coughing. They looked over and saw that it was Bellamy. Blood streaked on his face. Octavia gasped. "Bell? No. Clear some space. Lay him down."  She shouted at everyone.

"No, no, no." Tatum muttered and got up from the hammock, ignoring Murphy's protest.

Octavia fell with Bellamy to the ground and she held him close. "Hey, big brother." She said with a shaky voice.

"I'm scared."

"I won't let anything happen to you. I promise."

Tatum pushed past the people and dropped to her knees. "Hey, tough guy." She said softly and managed to smile. 

Bellamy's eyes bored into hers. "Think it's time to stop teasing you now?" He guessed.

She scrunched her nose and smiled again, nodding her head. "Probably so." She glanced at Octavia. "Let me go get a wash cloth." She insisted and got up from the floor. Despite still feeling bad, she pushed through for him. She retrieved a cloth and bucket of water and bent down to her knees again. She dipped the cloth in the water and began cleaning his face.

Octavia watched the scene. "You should be resting,  Tate."

Tatum simply shook her head and kept her eyes on Bellamy. "I'll be okay, Via."

She couldn't argue because she knew no matter how sick she was, Tatum would do anything to make sure her brother was okay. And that was just fine with her.

As the hours went by, Tatum started to feel a little better. She still had a cough and chills but she didn't feel as sick as she did before. The color in her skin started to reappear and she drank as much water as she could to hydrate herself from losing so much blood. She was helping the other sick kids in the drop ship when she heard Bellamy and Murphy arguing.

"Get the hell away from me." Bellamy snapped and tossed the cup of water that he was holding onto the floor.

"Bellamy, you're sick, okay?" Murphy tried to reason. "I'm just trying to help."

"When I get better. . . if you're still here—"

"Hey," Tatum interrupted and came up behind Murphy. She laid her hands on his shoulders. "Why don't you go take a break? I got him." She insisted in a soft voice.

Murphy looked up at her and nodded silently. He got up and left to climb to the second floor.

She poured Bellamy another cup of water and handed it to him. "Don't throw it out of my hands." She pointed at him.

"I wouldn't dare," he said and took it. "Don't tell me you trust him now."

She gave him a look. "He and I used to be really close, Bell. I see good in him even if you don't."

"Tatum, he—"

"I know what he's done," she interrupted him but kept her voice calm. "And i'll probably end up looking like an idiot in the end but for now, I trust him." She paused. "Do I trust him to take care of you? No."

Bellamy smirked. "Why's that?"

"Cause I want to."

His velvet eyes turned soft. He noticed the color in her skin started to come back. "How are you feeling?"

Tatum nodded. "Better. I've been drinking a lot of water and tying to sleep as best as I can. I hacked up a lot of blood but i'm feeling okay." She joked at the end.

"That's good. I don't like seeing you this way."

She cleaned the blood around his mouth. "Are you worried about me, Freckles?"

Bellamy chuckled. "I'd be lying if I said no."

She stopped tending to him and stared into his eyes. She tried containing the smile on her face.

His eyes drifted to outside at the dark sky. "It's almost dawn. The grounders are—"

"Attacking at dawn. Clarke told me." Tatum interrupted. "She also told me that Jasper and Monty are going to blow up the bridge which they didn't tell me about and I will be beating their asses when they get back."

He laughed. "You don't trust them?"

She gave him a look.

"Yeah, you're probably right."

When she was finished cleaning the blood and sweat, she sat on the ground and pulled her knees up. They sat there in silence. Bellamy tried resting. Tatum stayed to make sure he was okay.

A loud explosion could be heard from camp. Bellamy woke up and they scrambled to their feet. Everyone gathered around camp to see a cloud of smoke in the sky. "They actually did it. That's my boys." She said proudly.

"I am become death, destroyer of worlds." Clarke
quoted. Bellamy sent her a puzzled look. "It's Oppenheimer, the man who built the first—"

"I know who Oppenheimer is." He cut in.

Tatum shook her head. "Father of the atomic bomb. Bet he regrets that." She looked up to see him looking at her. She shrugged. "My father was a history geek."

Not long after, Tatum fell asleep beside Bellamy in the drop ship. She would wake up when hearing him cough to make sure he wasn't choking or anything was wrong. After waking up a few times, she found herself not being able to fall back asleep. Instead, she examined his sleeping figure. She counted the freckles that littered his skin like she was staring at the celestial stars in the sky. She found herself drawing constellations within the small dots.

Oh, how he didn't know how lovely he was. With his cheeky half smile and the way he touched her hair with the soft tips of his fingers. And his eyes, the brown Earth toned eyes that she couldn't help but think about whenever she walked through the forest. The smell of a wood burning fire or the touch of tree bark. The feeling of the crisp air on her skin or the sound of crunching leaves under her shoes. Moon dust rested in his lungs and stars in his eyes. He was a child of the cosmos and ruler of the skies.

"I can feel you staring at me, Star Girl."

She was grateful that it was dark. "I'm not staring. . . I'm admiring."

He snorted and cracked a smile. "Oh god, that was bad. even for you." He laughed while keeping his eyes closed.

She rolled her eyes. "Well excuse me for trying to one up your sweet talking."

Bellamy opened those perfect eyes and she felt weak. "Can't sleep?"

"Not really. I've slept enough."

"Yeah, me neither," he responded. Another silence fell between them. The sound of shallow breathing echoed the quietness of the drop ship.

"Will you tell me about your mother?" She quietly asked.

Bellamy looked at her. "Really?" She nodded. "W-What do you wanna know?"

Tatum shrugged. "Everything, I guess."

"Her name was Aurora," he began. She crossed her legs and faced him to listen. "We were really close. She was my best friend. She didn't mean to pregnant again after me. She just—" it was a slight subject for him to talk about. "She knew about the one child law. So she did everything to make sure nobody knew about Octavia. Including—" he paused again and scratched his cheek. "She, uh, would have to deal with crap from the guards. Whatever it took to keep O safe and to let me be in the guard."

Tatum frowned when she realized what he meant. "I'm so sorry." She whispered.

"She taught me everything about Greek mythology. We had a whole class of our own about it. "She let me name her," he said with a small smile. "Octavia. I named her after Octavian, the sister of Augustus. I spent my whole childhood trying to keep her safe. I really did—"

Tatum grabbed his hand when he started to get emotional.

Bellamy exhaled. "It's my fault she got caught."

"Bell—"

"If I had been smarter and not took her to that stupid dance, none of it—"

"It's not your fault, Bellamy." Tatum scooted closer to him. "You were a kid. You had a huge responsibility out on your shoulders. You just wanted to be a good big brother."

He looked into her eyes. "I blamed her." He whispered. She frowned. "I didn't mean to, but, a part of me did at one point. I was her first born. I was hers first. It just wasn't fair."

Tatum swallowed harshly and nodded. "I get it. You're not a bad person, Bell. And Octavia loves you. You're all she has left." She curled a piece of his dark hair around her finger, his eyes following her as she did it. "It's important to understand the value of what you have. And don't take it for granted. I miss my dad too. But I know he's proud of me. That's all I've ever wanted." She leaned closer to him, their faces only inches apart. "Your mom's proud of you too. I know it. Look at everything you've done so far. I don't know how she couldn't be."

He swam in her blue eyes. Bellamy never thought he'd feel this way. He lived his whole life for Octavia. Loving her, protecting her, that he never thought about himself. But she saw him. And Bellamy saw her.

Tatum didn't treat him like a monster. She only saw a human who made mistakes and who wanted to make them right. Bellamy knew he was meant to love her. He didn't want to control her fire. All he wanted was to be near it.