Wala na akong nagawa pa matapos kong mapanuod ang balitang iyon. It was like a punch to the gut, knocking the wind out of me. Memories of Hans flooded back, seeping into my veins like a venom, paralyzing my thoughts and actions. My mind was instantly transported back to those days, replaying moments that I had buried deep within me, hoping never to resurface.

Lahat lahat ay bumalik.

Saya. Sakit. Pait. Galit.

Hans. The man I once loved with all my heart. Lahat ng pinagdaanan naming dalawa. Lahat ng pagsubok na pinilit kong ilaban. Lahat iyon bumalik nang makita ko siya sa balita kanina. For years, I hated Hans for how he ruined me.

For years, I hated him for how he didn't choose me.

For years, I hated him for leaving.

Pitong taon. Sa loob ng panahong iyon ay sinubukan kong huwag na siyang isipin, huwag alalahanin dahil baka sakaling sa ganoon ay makalimot ako. Baka sakaling mawala ang lahat ng sakit.

I felt my chest tighten. It was hard to breathe, like a heavy weight was pressing down on me. I could almost hear his voice, feel his touch, as if he were right there beside me. But along with the beautiful memories came the bitter ones, the ones I had tried so hard to forget.

The truth, the betrayal, the harsh words spoken in anger. The slow unraveling of our relationship, like a delicate thread being pulled apart until nothing remained.

The news of Hans, now hailed as a hero for saving hundreds of passengers with his daring emergency landing, only intensified the pain. There he was, on the screen, his face slightly older but still familiar, still etched in my mind. Kahit pumikit ako ay iyon pa rin ang nakikita ko. Iyon lang. The world celebrated him, but all I could think of was the man who had once held my heart and then shattered it.

I couldn't speak. My throat felt constricted, as if words were trapped, unable to escape. My eyes burned with unshed tears, but I fought to keep them at bay. Pinangako ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako muling iiyak. Hindi ko na siya muling iiyakan.

"Is everything okay?" Tanong ni Silas mula sa aking likuran nang sundan niya ako sa hardin matapos ang hapunan.

Hindi ako magaling magsinungaling kaya pinili ko na lamang na hindi magsalita. Umihip ang malamig na simoy ng hangin, sa mag bituin ko itinutok ang aking buong atensyon, lalo nang lapitan niya ako at tahimik na tumayo sa aking tabi.

"You know," Silas began, his voice gentle, "I read somewhere that every time a star twinkles, it's because a space mouse is tickling it." He chuckled softly, clearly trying to lighten the mood despite not understanding what was troubling me.

Sa kabila ng gulo na tumatakbo sa aking isipan ay hindi ko napigilang mapangiti sa kaniyang sinabi. It was so unlike Silas to say something like that as an icebreaker. "A space mouse, huh?"

"Yeah, a tiny little astronaut mouse, floating around and making stars laugh," he replied, his eyes twinkling with mischief. "Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?"

"Completely," I admitted, my smile growing wider. "But also kind of adorable."

He nodded, leaning back to look up at the sky. "Sometimes, the most ridiculous things can make the biggest difference," he said thoughtfully. "Like tonight, for instance. Rye loved the movie night. He even laughed at my terrible jokes."

"Your jokes are pretty terrible,"

Silas laughed, a genuine sound that made me feel a bit more at ease. "I can't argue with that. But it's worth it if it makes him smile. I made you smile too."

"Who says I'm smiling?" Kinagat ko ang aking ibabang labi at pinaseryoso ang aking anyo.

"Come on," niyuko niya akong tingin. "You know you want to smile."

Nang kunin ni Silas ang aking kamay ay hindi ako tumanggi, ikinulong niya ang aking palad sa kaniya na para bang ipinapaalam sa akin na hindi ako mag-isa. And yet, the void was still there. It couldn't be filled.

We stood in comfortable silence for a moment, the stars twinkling above us.

"I wouldn't ask again because it was pretty obvious," tahimik niyang bulong, ang tingin ay nakadirekta sa madilim na kalangitan. "You weren't okay. I don't know what's bothering you, but whatever it is, you don't have to carry it by yourself."

"It's just... old memories resurfacing. Sometimes they hit harder than I expect."

"Yeah, sometimes memories do that," Silas agreed softly.

A comfortable silence fell between us. Hindi binitawan ni Silas ang aking kamay at hindi rin naman ako nagtangkang bawiin iyon sa kaniya. Right now, I needed someone I could hold onto. I needed something that would anchor me to the present. This present.

The stars continued their silent vigil above us, a comforting presence in the darkness.

"Why aren't you using your last name, De Salvo?" Biglang tanong niya na siyang bumasag sa katahimikang nakapagitan sa aming dalawa.

It wasn't something I talked about often kaya hindi ko rin alam kung paano sasagutin ang tanong niya.

"It's complicated,"

"I've got time," he replied, his eyes meeting mine, mukhang wala rin talagang balak na pakawalan ang tanong na iyon.

I didn't know how to tell him that I hated my father so much I didn't want anything that was him.

"I... I didn't want to be labeled and treated based on the name I carried," sa halip na sabi ko na lang. "People see a name and they make assumptions, they treat you differently. I didn't enjoy the privilege that came with being a De Salvo. It was suffocating."

Nananantya niya akong tinignan, hindi ko alam kung naniniwala siya sa sinabi ko. Frankly, I didn't care. Hindi naman na nagpumilit pa si Silas na mang-usisa. Hinayaan niya na lang ang naging sagot ko.

That night, I felt comfortable with Silas. Despite the weight of my past and the fleeting memories that threatened to overwhelm me, I felt strangely at ease in his presence. There was something about him that anchored me to the present. He didn't pry or judge. He was just there.

"Sobrang dami mong utang na kuwento sa amin, Caice!" Mariing sabi ni Therese bago muli akong bigyan ng isang shot ng vodka. Si Lulli naman medyo nahihilo na sa pangalawang inom pa lang. "Ang dami ko pa ngang gustong itanong sa'yo tapos nadagdagan pa ulit! Ano iyong balita tungkol sa inyo nu'ng foreigner? Silas DiLaurentis nga ba?"

Parang gusto kong pagsisihan ang pagpayag kong makipagkita sa kanila ngayong gabi. Gusto ko kasi sanang walain sa aking isipan ang mga ala-alang maya't mayang pilit na nagsusumiksik. Kaya lang parang goal naman nito ni Therese na magbalik-tanaw kaming parepareho! Maging si Silas ay gusto pang mapag-usapan!

"Wala, Therese. Matanda ka na, hindi ka dapat bastang naniniwala sa tsismis!" I emptied the shot glass and gave it back to her, asking for another one.

"Pero totoong nakatira ka nga daw sa bahay niya?" Taas kilay niyang tanong bago salinan ang shot glass ko.

"Therese!" Lulli eyed her. "Huwag na ganyan ang pag-usapan natin. Iba na lang!"

Therese rolled her eyes. Mukhang wala sanang balak magpatalo ngunit sa huli ay napairap na lamang atsaka nagbukas ng panibagong usapan. "Paano ka namang napunta sa Psychology? Iyon na rin pala talaga ang pinractice mo instead Marine Biology, huh?"

I chuckled as I leaned back in my chair, mas kumportable ako sa mga ganyang tanong. "Well, you know how it is. Life has a funny way of leading us down unexpected paths. Sa dami ng nangyari sa buhay ko, sa dami ng kinailangan kong pagdaanan. Psychology got my interest."

Hindi ko na idinagdag na sa kagustuhan kong maintindihan noon ang lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay ko, nabuhay ang kuryosidad ko sa kung paano tumakbo ang isipan ng bawat tao. I wanted to understand so many things, so many people.

"You ended up trading sea creatures for the human mind," Lulli chimed, a smile crept on her face.

"I've always had a fascination with the ocean and its inhabitants, alam mo na dahil sa isla tayo lumaki. Nagkaisip tayong napapalibutan tayo ng dagat. Marine biology seemed like the natural choice for me, and I pursued it with a passion throughout my academic career. Gusto ko pa rin naman iyon, kaya lang mas itong ginagawa ko ngayon. I became increasingly intrigued by the ways in which psychology could shed light on our thoughts, emotions, and behavior."

Parehong nagtuloy ang dalawa sa kurso namin noon at ngayon ay mga Marine Biologist na. Kung gugustuhin ko rin naman ay puwede, kaya lang mas gusto ko itong ginagawa ko. I found myself gravitating towards psychology courses during my undergraduate studies, and I was fascinated by the insights they offered into human nature. Kaya nagtuloy-tuloy na.

"And what really sealed the deal for me was the opportunity to make a difference in people's lives. I realized that psychology wasn't just about understanding the human mind; it was also about helping others navigate the challenges they face and supporting them on their journey towards healing and growth. Minsan ko na kasing kinailangang gawin iyon sa buhay ko, kaya ginusto kong maging palaging nariyan para naman sa iba."

Lulli smiled warmly. "That's incredibly noble of you, Caice. It takes a special kind of person to dedicate themselves to helping others."

"Eh, hindi ba't noon pa naman ay mabait na talaga itong si Caice?" Therese raised her glass in a toast. "Well, here's to following your passions and making a difference, no matter which path you choose."

I clinked my glass against hers, ganoon rin ang ginawa ni Lulli. I missed my friends, really. Hindi naman kasi marami ang kaibigan ko, bilang lang. Sa Italy nga ay wala halos akong maituturing na mga kaibigan. May mga katrabaho ako, oo. Pero hindi 'yung ganitong malapit kami sa isa't isa. Kahit sa mga naging kaklase ko sa grad school, hindi naman ganitong klase ng bond ang nabuo ko sa kanila. Siguro'y masasabi kong si Rye na ang naging pinakamalapit sa akin.

Lumalim pa ang usapang naming tatlo. Kung anu-anong balita ang nasagap ko tungkol sa kanila. Hindi rin kasi ako gumagamit ng social media kaya wala na talaga akong alam. I was so shocked and thrilled at the same time when Lulli showed me photos of her two babies. She seemed happy and eager to share stories about Lindsay and Luis. Ang sabi pa niya'y imbitado ako nang ikinasal siya, maging sa binyag at birthdays ng mga anak niya. Panay niya daw sinisend sa akin ang mga iyon sa lumang email address ko, iyon na lang kasi ang contact information ko na alam nila. Hindi ko naman na iyon binubuksan.

"I'm sorry, Lulli. Babawi ako habang nandito ako," sinsero kong sabi. "Bibisita ako sa bahay niyo. Gusto kong makita ang mga anak mo, maging ang napang-asawa mo ay gusto kong makilala."

"Nako! Kilala mo ang asawa niyan!" Humalakhak si Therese lalo nang pinamulahan ng mukha si Lulli.

Kilala ko? If Lulli married one of my cousins, I would've known. Siguro'y kaklase namin dati. "Sino? Isa ba sa mga Lagdameo ang napang-asawa mo?"

Umiling ng mabilis si Lulli, halos lumubog na sa upuan sa hiya dahil sa patuloy na halakhak ni Therese.

"Ranchero!" Ngisi ni Therese, sinundot pa ang tagiliran ni Lulli. "Malandi itong si Lulli, eh! Ipinaglaban rin ng husto sa mga magulang niya! Parehong pareho mo, Caice."

Ranchero? Hindi ko na masyadong pinansin pa ang pang-aasar ni Therese dahil kusang umarangkada na ang aking isipan.

Si Hans?

Si Hans lang ang kilala kong ranchero.

Bigla ay parang sumikip ang dibdib ko sa kaisipan na siya ang napang-asawa ni Lulli. It was possible though. Hindi ko nga lang alam kung bakit parang lason na kumakalat sa aking pagkatao ang kaisipang iyon. I couldn't, for one second, picture Hans with Lulli. Sa kahit anong paraan. Sa kahit anong pagkakataon.

"Hindi ko na nasabi sa'yo dahil nagsimula lang naman kaming magkalapit at magkapalagayang-loob nang umalis ka na." Mahinang sabi ni Lulli, inabot ang kaniyang inumin at sumimsim roon. "Eh, wala rin namang paraan para ma-contact ka kaya hindi ako makapagkuwento."

The notion of Hans and Lulli being together was almost unbearable. My chest tightened at the thought of them as a couple, much less as parents. I imagined Hans, his strong, capable hands holding a child that looked like a blend of him and Lulli. The image gnawed at me, each bite more painful than the last.

Why did it hurt so much? I had no claim over Hans. But the idea of him with Lulli, happy, in love, and raising a family, felt like a betrayal. Not a betrayal by Hans or Lulli, but by some unspoken understanding I hadn't even realized I held. The pain was sharp and unexpected, like stumbling over a hidden root in familiar ground.

Pilit kong pinaalis ang kaisipang iyon, but they kept coming back, each one more vivid than the last. The thought of them creating a life together felt like a nightmare. Why was this affecting me so deeply?

"Oh, ayos ka lang, Caice?" Therese asked, her voice pulling me back. I forced a smile, but I could see in her eyes that she wasn't convinced.

"Yeah, I'm fine. But I guess enough vodka na for me." I lied, knowing full well that I wasn't. The idea of Hans and Lulli together was tearing me apart inside. How could I be okay with that?

Lulli had every right to fall in love and be happy. So did Hans. But the thought of them finding that happiness with each other felt wrong. I had to accept it, though. If it was true, I had to find a way to be happy for them. But the mere idea felt like a weight pressing down on my chest, making it hard to breathe.

Para saan pa't psychologist ako kung hindi ko iintindihin ang ibang tao, kung hindi ko susubukang unawain ang sarili ko.

"Hindi rin makuwentong agad nito ni Lulli dahil alam niyang hulog sa'yo noon ang asawa niya!" Humalakhak pang lalo si Therese.

Damn. Si Hans nga!

It had been nine years, iniisip siguro ng mga ito na wala na iyon sa akin kaya ganito kakaswal na lamang nila iyon kung pag-usapan. Of course, bata pa ako noon. Marahil ay aakalain nilang bastang pag-ibig lang ang naramdaman ko noon kay Hans. Little did they know, I had given Hans a part of me I knew I could never reclaim.

"Ano ka ba, Therese?!" Hinampas ito ni Lulli sa braso bago nahihiyang lingunin ako. "Hindi iyon dahil doon! Kung ako lang ay gusto ko talagang sabihin sa'yo at ikuwento! Hindi ko lang rin talaga alam kung paano, Caice."

Hans had always been a part of the ranch, a part of my life there, even if it was in the background. I had never considered what it would mean for him to be with someone else. The thought was too painful, too raw.

Maybe it was jealousy. Maybe it was anger. Or perhaps it was the realization that things were changing, and I wasn't ready for that change. Whatever it was, it felt like a wound that wouldn't heal, a constant ache that I couldn't shake.

Isa pa'y tama naman si Lulli, walang paraan para makapagsabi siya sa akin. Ako ang pumutol ng anumang ugnayan ko sa kanila. Hindi ko puwedeng ipasa sa kanila ang sisi sa kung paanong hindi ko alam ang mga ganitong bagay.

"Isa pa'y matagal na panahon na iyon. Wala na siyang kahit na ano pang nararamdaman kay, Caice." Mahinahon ngunit mariing sabi ni Lulli, binalingan si Therese. "Bukod pa sa sandaling panahon niya lang naman pinangalagaan ang damdaming iyon."

Sa bawat sandali na iniisip kong magkasama sila, nararamdaman kong mas lalong sumisikip ang dibdib ko. Inabot ko ang shot ng vodka sa harap ni Therese at tinungga iyon.

"Akala ko ba tapos ka na sa vodka?" Sita nito sa akin, pero bigla akong tumayo bago pa madagdagan ang tanong nito.

"Cr lang ako," hindi ko na hinintay pa ang sagot ng mga ito, tumalikod na ako at umalis upang hanapin ang cr.

Damn! My head was pounding. Hindi ko na sigurado kung dahil pa ba iyon sa alcohol o kung ano na. What did Lulli say again? Sandaling panahon lamang pinangalagaan ni Hans ang damdamin nito para sa akin?

Kung iisipin naman talaga, walang wala ang iksi ng panahong pinagsamahan namin sa laki ng mga taong pumagitan mula nang gabing iyon. But could you really measure feelings by that? I would like to believe you couldn't. Pero mukhang iba iyon para rito.

Lost in thought, I almost didn't notice someone blocking my way as I approached the comfort room. My eyes were glued to the floor, and the first thing I saw was a pair of red stilettos. I stepped back instinctively.

"Sorry, I didn't see you there," I mumbled, assuming someone was waiting to get in.

Ngunit hindi gumalaw ang nasa harapan ko, kaya naman nag-angat na ako ng tingin rito. I was slightly shocked to realize who stood in front of me.

Melinda DiLaurentis.

Silas's wife.

Rye's mother. His abuser.

She was strikingly beautiful, even more so in person than in the pictures. She wore a fitted white dress that accentuated her hourglass figure, and her red stilettos matched her perfectly manicured nails. Her blonde hair was styled in loose waves, framing her face in a way that highlighted her sharp cheekbones. But it was her eyes that caught my attention the most—they were burning with anger. Paano nga bang hindi? Eh, kilala akong kabit ng asawa niya. Iyan ang nagagawa ng tabloid. Kaya nitong diktahan ang magiging tingin sa iyo ng mga tao. Mabuti na lang at wala naman akong pakialam.

"So, you're the one," she said, her voice dripping with disdain.

I swallowed hard. "Excuse me?"

"Don't play dumb with me," she hissed. "I know who you are. Silvanus's little whore."

I felt the blood drain from my face. Lalo pa at may iba na ring humilera sa likuran ko na gusto rin sanang makapasok sa cr ang nakarinig nang sinasabi nito.

"I think you have the wrong person," kalmado ko pa ring sabi.

She laughed, a harsh, humorless sound. "Do you think I'm stupid? I know all about you. The whole world knows. My husband's been parading you around like some prized possession."

Hindi ko alam kung paanong parading ba ang sinasabi ng isang 'to. I was careful not to be seen in public with Silas, siguro'y iyong sa lobby lang ng condo ang pagkakataong hindi ko na namalayan. But when I moved in with the DiLaurentises, halos hindi naman ako lumabas ng bahay dahil mas na nakatuon ang buong pansin ko kay Rye, sa mga pangangailangan niya.

Thinking about Rye reminded me of all the things this woman did to him. Gusto kong magalit, pero para ano pa? She was a narcissist, hindi niya iyon maiintindihan.

"That's not true," hindi nagbago ng tono ang tinig ko. "There's nothing between us."

"Save your lies," she snapped. "You're just another pathetic girl who thought she could steal my husband."

Tignan mo ang isang 'to. Base sa mga kuwento sa akin ni Silas ay matagal na silang hindi nagsasama ni Melinda sa iisang bahay. He wanted to file for divorce, but she threatened never to show Rye to him again kung ipipilit niya. Of course, that was before all the abuse unraveled. Hindi ko na alam kung hanggang ngayon ba ay sumusubok si Silas na legal na makipagkalas rito. Siguro. But that really wasn't my business, was it?

"I'm not trying to steal anyone."

Hindi naman talaga. Oo, mabait si Silas at napapalapit rin ang loob ko rito. But not in the level she was insinuating. Never in that level. Kaya lang, hindi ko naman obligasyon na magpaliwanag sa kaniya o sa kung sino man. Sa pagkakaintindi ko'y hindi rin naman niya inireserba ang sarili sa asawa niya, hiwalay man sila o hindi. Rye once told me that his mother was blatantly cheating, pa-iba-iba pa nga at ayon rin sa kuwento nito ay karamihan pa ipinakilala sa kaniya—one of the emotional abuses he had to go through with his own mother.

"Then what are you doing?" she demanded, stepping closer. "Enjoying the perks of being with a rich, powerful man? How much is he paying you?"

"I'm not—" I began, but she cut me off.

"Save it," she said coldly. "I know your type. Desperate, looking for a way to climb up the social ladder. But let me tell you something—Silas will never leave me for trash like you. He'll use you and then discard you when he's done."

I so want to tell her that I am the social ladder, but someone beat me to it.

"That's enough," ang baritonong tinig ni Rance ang pumagitan sa aming dalawa. I looked up to him, and he was staring down at me looking pissed. Tapos ay binalingan niya si Melinda. "You're causing a scene. I might have to throw you out."

"Stay away from my husband, or you'll regret it." Sa akin pa rin nakatuon ang mga mata nito. Hindi pinansin ang sinabi ni Rance.

With that, she turned on her heel and stormed off, leaving me standing there, shaken and humiliated. The encounter left me feeling sick to my stomach.

How had my life turned into this mess?

This was not what I had signed up for!

Halos mapaigtad ako nang tahasan akong hilain ni Rance at kaladkarin hanggang marating namin ang maliit niyang opisina. Bakit nga ba nawala sa isip ko na siya ang may-ari ng bar na ito?

"Dammit, Caice!" Binitawan niya lamang ako nang kaming dalawa na lang. "Kung wala ako roon ay baka saan pa napunta ang komprontasyon niyong iyon!"

Hinaplos ko ang aking palapulsuhang kinapitan nito at sinamaan siya ng tingin. "I don't need your help, Rance! Kaya ko namang ipagtanggol ang sarili ko dumating ka man o hindi!"

"Who says I'm helping you?" He turned sharply at me. "Matanda ka na, Caice. Alam mo na ang ginagawa mo. Dapat ay alam mo na. I wouldn't even go as far as stopping you from what you're doing. Iyang Melinda na 'yan, ilang gabi na 'yang nagpapabalik-balik rito. Miski ako'y minsan na niyang kinausap para utusang pagsabihan kang layuan ang asawa niya. Oxygen said she'd been at the hotel too. Kinausap silang pareho ni Icen. Ikaw na ang bahala kung gusto mo pang magpakilala siya kay Tita Chi."

Hindi ako agad na nakaimik. Sa sobrang tutok ko kay Rye, hindi na sumagi pa sa isip ko ang implikasyon ng pagparito ni Melinda. Hindi ko na naisip na puwedeng-puwede nitong guluhin ang pamilya ko at hilahing husto sa kahihiyan.

Iniwasan ko siya ng tingin. Rance was never one to judge other people's actions. At alam kong gusto niya akong tanungin, nagpipigil lang dahil hindi rin naman niya ugaling mang-usisa.

"Get yourself out of that situation, Caice. Bago pa maging masyadong malaki ang apoy na hindi mo na maapula."

He wasn't wrong.

I had to find a way out before it destroyed me.