Pinagmasdan ko ang aking sarili sa harap ng salamin at halos basagin ko na iyon dahil sa labis na galit. Why? Why did the engagement news of Audrey and Hans affect me so much that I drowned myself in alcohol the night after I heard it? At bakit sa lahat ng makakakita pa sa akin sa ganoon sitwasyon ay si Hans pa? Bakit kailangan naming magkita nang ganoon ang lagay ko? Sa lahat ng pagkakataon naman talaga!

I gave up and sank down onto the bed, groaning. The room spun around me like a carousel gone wild, blurring the edges of my vision with its relentless motion. Muli ay nanumbalik sa aking ala-ala ang mga ganap kagabi. Hans, seeing me drinking away the pain, had approached with that infuriating calmness of his. I had tried so hard to escape, to flee from the torment of his presence, but in my drunken stupor, nasagasaan pa ako. Mabuti't hindi gaanong malala ang inabot ko. At nakakatawa lang dahil kung sino pa ang nanakit sa akin ng husto ay siya pa ang gumamot at nag-alaga sa akin sa mga oras na wala akong kamalay-malay.

"Fuck!" I groaned, clutching my head as the memory of his touch, gentle and caring, sent shivers down my spine.

After nine years, just being around him, so fucking close to him, hurt so much I felt as though I were dying. It was as if every wound I thought had healed was ripped open, bleeding fresh and raw once more.

He was a storm that I could never weather. Lahat ng sakit. Lahat bumalik. Ginusto kong sumama sa kaniya noon, pero tinalikuran niya ako. He left with his cougar! Tapos ngayon, engage siya sa pinsan ko? How could I be okay with it? Naisip man lang ba niya 'yung mararamdaman ko sa oras na malaman ko? He didn't really care at all, did he? Wow lang sa kapal ng mukha.

Wala na bang iba? Kailangan sa kamag-anak ko pa talaga siya papatol?

I buried my face in my hands, trying to drown out the storm of emotions raging within me. The logical part of my brain, the part that had been silent in the face of my overwhelming feelings, finally spoke up. It had been nine years. Nine long years since we had parted ways. Maybe he thought I had already moved on. Hell, I thought I had moved on!

The truth was, I had spent those years building walls around my heart, convincing myself that I was over him. Kaya mas lalo akong nagagalit sa sarili ko dahil matapos ang lahat ng mga taong nagdaan, ito pa rin ako, nasasaktan sa simpleng balitang iyon. Ni hindi ko pa sila nakikitang magkasama, paano pa kung ganoon?

Seeing Hans again last night had shattered those walls in an instant. It was like a dam breaking, releasing a flood of emotions I didn't even know I still had.

Masakit.

Masakit pa rin.

Alam ko na dapat ay wala na akong nararamdaman, eh. I should stop feeling anything at all. I should be numb to him, indifferent. But the reality was, my heart still ached for him. Habang-buhay na nga siguro akong masasaktan kay Hans. Iyon na siguro talaga ang kapalaran ko kapag dating sa kaniya.

I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. I needed to get a grip on my emotions. I couldn't let Hans's presence control me like this. Simula pa lang ang kagabi, dahil kung ikakasal nga sila ni Audrey ay malamang na mas magiging madalas ang mga magiging pagtatagpo namin at hindi puwedeng lagi akong ganito.

Hans was just a man, a part of my past that I needed to leave behind. The rational part of me knew that he had every right to move on, just as I did. But the emotional part of me, the part that had loved him so deeply, was struggling to accept that reality.

In the grand scheme of things, nine years was a long time. People change, they grow, they move on. Hans had probably convinced himself that I had done just that. Maybe he thought I had found someone new, someone who had made me happy. The thought of him believing that made my heart clench. I wanted him to know that I had struggled, that I had missed him, but at the same time, I didn't want him to see how much power he still held over me.

Ayaw ko mang muling bumangon at kumilos ay wala akong napagpilian. I should get up, nangako ako kay Lulli na dadalo ako sa birthday party ng anak niya. Gusto ko ring makita ang mga ito, kaya lang talagang bigla akong nawalan ng gana sa lahat nang marinig ko ang balitang iyon.

Ang sabi ay alas-tres magsisimula ang handaan sa bahay ng mga ito, tinext sa akin ni Lulli ang address. Two thirty na, kikilos pa lang ako. Hindi na baleng mahuli ng bahagya, ang mahalaga ay pupunta ako.

I dragged myself to the bathroom and quickly took a shower, ignoring the light bruises around my arms and the huge violet bruise on my hip. They looked worse than they felt. After drying off, I chose a pair of wide-leg trousers and a white button-down long-sleeve shirt to cover the bruises. Maluwag kaya hindi naman nasasagi ang mga sugat ko.

Tapos ay nag-taxi lang ako dahil wala naman si Icen, abala sa hotel. Nakuwento niya sa akin na sa susunod na buwan ay sa Cebu naman siya dedestino. Oxygen had branched out, itinayo nito ang kauna-unahang CHR sa Cebu at kinakailangan mahalinhinan ni Icen sa pangangasiwa habang nasa bakasyon ito at ang asawang si Gabbana.

Pilit kong inignora ang lahat ng nagpapagulo sa aking isipan lalo nang huminto na ang taxi sa tapat ng bahay nina Lulli at Dumas. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na silang dalawa ang nagkatuluyan. Who would've thought? Ni hindi nga sila magkakilala noon.

Lulli greeted me with a warm smile and a hug. "Caice! Mabuti at nakapunta ka!"

Sinuklian ko ang higpit ng kaniyang yakap tapos ay agad rin siyang naitulak patabi nang makita ang isang batang babae na tumatakbo palapit sa amin. She looked so much like Lulli! "Ito na ba si Lindsay?"

Tumango si Lulli nang saglit ko siyang sulyapan, tapos ay iginiya niya sa akin ang batang mukhang biglang nahiya nang mapagmasdan ako. "Lindsay, say hi to your Tita Caice!"

Hindi agad kumibo ang bata, nakatingala lang sa akin.

Tumalungko ako upang magtama lang ang aming mga mata, tapos ay nakangiti kong inabot sa kaniya ang aking kamay. "Happy birthday, Lindsay. I'm your Tita Caice. You have a very pretty name. And you look so much like your mom!"

Sukat doon ay bigla itong napabungisngis, tila gustong-gusto na nasasabihang kamukha nga ito ng ina. Tinanggap nito ang aking kamay. "My name is Lindsay! I'm four years old!"

I looked up at Lulli, who was beaming with pride. "She's absolutely beautiful, Lulli."

"Salamat, Caice..." Lulli replied, her smile widening. "She's been looking forward to this party for weeks."

Hand in hand with Lindsay, I walked further into the house. Nakasunod naman sa amin si Lulli na panay ang kuwento, ilan daw sa mga bisita sa loob ay kaklase rin namin noong college. Wala namang problema sa akin, ayos rin naman ang paminsan na makipag-reconnect sa mga ito.

"Si Jeremiah Lim, kung natatandaan mo pa. May gusto iyon sa'yo noon, kaso bago pa makapagparamdam ay binasted mo agad." Ngumisi siyang bumulong sa akin. "Narito, kasama ang anak niya. Kaklase kasi ni Lulli, kaya naimbitahan namin. Hiwalay na sila ng asawa niya, ipinaaalam ko lang sa'yo dahil ano bang malay ko kung pormahan ka niyan mamaya. Mabuting aware ka."

Jeremiah Lim. Sa totoo lang ay hindi ko na ito natatandaan, baka kung makikita ko ito mamaya ay maalala ko. "Si Therese ba? Nasa loob na?"

"Nako!" Umirap si Lulli. "Mamaya pa 'yun, sa gabi na daw siya kapag tapos na ang mga palaro sa bata dahil ang gusto niya naman daw ay salu-salo natin! Akala mo't ako ang may birthday, eh."

Natatawang sasagot pa sana ako kaya lang kinuha na ni Lindsay ang aking atensyon. Simple at maayos ang bahay nina Lulli, mababakas mo ang kasiyahan ng mag-anak na nakatira doon. Nadaanan namin ang munting sala nila kung saan kalat ang mga laruan, halo sa pambabae at pang lalaki. Rinig na rinig rin ang kasiyahan sa may hardin kung saan nagaganap ang party, naroon rin ang mga batang bisita ni Lindsay.

Lindsay chattered on about her favorite toys and the cake she was excited to eat. Lindsay's bubbly personality was infectious, and I found myself genuinely enjoying her enthusiastic stories.

Nang marating namin ang hardin ay agad kaming sinalubong ng nagtatakbuhang mga bata. May mga malilit na lamesa at upuan na nakaayos sa isang bahagi samantalang sa kabila naman ay ang mahabang hapag na para sa mga magulang. Brightly colored balloons and streamers decorated the space, giving it a festive atmosphere. Another tables were set up with snacks and drinks for the adults, while a larger table held an array of goodies for the kids.

Sa gitna ng hardin ay naroon si Dumas karga ang mas nakababata pa nilang anak na si Luis. Luis was a chubby-cheeked toddler, not yet two years old, and he clung to his father with a wide grin on his face. They looked so happy, a picture of familial bliss.

"Look, Tita Caice! That's my brother, Luis," Lindsay said, pointing eagerly. "Daddy's holding him."

Hindi pa ito nakuntento, hinila pa akong palapit sa mag-ama. Si Lulli naman ay tumatawang nakasunod lamang sa amin.

"Luis! This is Tita Caice!" Masiglang tawag ni Lindsay sa kapatid na para bang maiintindihan ni Luis ay sinabi nito.

"Hello, Luis," I greeted, waving at the little boy. Luis responded with a toothy smile, and boy, he was cute! Si Dumas naman ay nakangiti akong tinanguan.

"Mabuti at nakarating ka, Caice."

"Wouldn't miss it for the world," I replied, returning his smile. Nilingon ko si Lulli na nakangiting nakamasid sa akin. "Marami na rin pati akong utang kay Lulli, ayaw ko nang dagdagan pa."

"Nako! Magtatampo talaga ako sa'yo kung sakali!" Malambing na lumapit si Lulli sa asawa at kinuha si Luis. She seemed so motherly, lalo nang damhin niya ang likod ng bata upang siguraduhin na hindi iyon basa ng pawis.

May kung anong biglang pumasok sa aking isipan na hindi ko nais pagtuonan ng pansin kaya naman niyuko ko si Lindsay na hawak pa rin ang aking kamay. "Do you want to play?"

Agad itong tumango kaya naman lumapit ako sa isa sa mga upuan para ilagay doon ang bag ko, ang regalo ko naman para rito ay iniwan ko na sa lamesang nakalaan para doon. Tapos ay bumaling ako sa paligid, several games were set up for the children. There was a ring toss, a small ball pit, and a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey station. Lahat ng mga bata ay masayang naglalaro at nagtatakbuhan sa paligid.

"Tita Caice, there!" Una naming pinuntahan ang ring toss.

Lindsay was determined to get the rings onto the pegs, her little face scrunched up in concentration. I cheered her on, clapping enthusiastically every time she made a successful toss.

"Go, Lindsay!" Masayang panghihikayat ko pa sa kaniya. "You're doing great, honey!"

"Thank you, Tita Caice! This is so much fun!" Malakas niyang sigaw kasunod ng pagtawa.

Next, we moved to the ball pit. Lindsay dove in with glee, and I couldn't help but laugh at her infectious enthusiasm. I sat on the edge, watching her play and enjoying the moment of pure, simple joy. Ang sarap na lang talagang maging bata, 'yung wala kang ibang iisipin kundi ang paano pagkakasyahin ang isang buong araw sa lahat ng laro na gusto mong gawin.

As the afternoon wore on, the party continued with more games and laughter. We played pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, and Lindsay insisted on having multiple turns, giggling every time she ended up pinning the tail in the wrong place. Dumas helped Luis take his turn, guiding his tiny hand with patience and love.

The sight of their happy family brought a sense of peace to my heart. Ngunit hindi lang iyon ang naramdaman ko. Pigilan ko man ay naroon ang bahagyang inggit sa aking dibdib. I couldn't help but think about how different things could have been for me.

Bigla ay naisip ko kung paano pala ang buhay ko ngayon kung hindi kami nasira ni Hans noon. What if we had made it through the rough patches, where we had fought for each other instead of giving up. We could have had a small, happy family like Lulli and Dumas. Iyon lang naman ang gusto namin dati, eh. Walang kahit anong iniintindi kundi ang magiging kinabukasan ng bubuohin naming pamilya.

I envisioned Sunday mornings spent in a cozy kitchen, making pancakes with our children, tawanan lang at simpleng kuwentuhan ay ayos na. Afternoons in the park, watching them play while Hans and I sat on a bench, holding hands. Sa gabi naman ay puro bedtime stories and sweet kisses. It was a beautiful dream na siyang kinailangan kong pakawalan. Because dreams don't always come true. Some things just aren't meant to be, no matter how much we want them or how hard we try to hold onto them.

Hans and I were like two ships passing in the night, forever missing each other despite our best efforts. We had loved deeply, but that love wasn't enough to bridge the gaps between us.

I thought about the choices we had made, the words left unsaid, and the actions we had taken that led us to where we were now. It was a series of what-ifs and could-have-beens, each one a missed opportunity for a different ending. But life doesn't give us second chances to rewrite our past. Ang tanging magagawa lang natin ay pulutin ang anumang mga aral na maaari nating makuha mula sa mga desisyong iyon.

Lulli's laughter broke through my thoughts, pulling me back to the present. She was talking with Dumas, her eyes alight with joy as she recounted something Lindsay had said. Si Dumas naman ay matyagang nakikinig sa asawa, kung pagmasdan niya ito ay para bang si Lulli lang ang tanging naikita niya.

It stung a little, knowing that I might never have that kind of ending.

Pero ano nga bang malay ko? Life had a way of surprising us, and maybe, just maybe, there were still rainbows waiting for me on the other side of the storm.

"Uncle Hans!" Ang sigaw na iyon ni Lindsay ang siyang nagpalakas ng tibok ng aking puso.

I closed my eyes and muttered a soft curse under my breath. Think of the devil and he doth appear, I thought grimly. Mabilis kong hinamig ang aking sarili at pilit na pinanatag ang aking damdamin. Lulli glanced worriedly in my direction, naroon rin ang lihim na paumanhin sa kaniyang anyo. Hindi ko maalalang naipakilala ko si Hans sa aking mga kaibigan, pero malamang ay pormal na silang nagkakilala ni Lulli gawa ni Dumas.

Lulli smiled tightly. She knew, of course she did. But she wouldn't have expected this reaction from me after nine long years.

Si Dumas naman ay agad na sinalubong ang bagong dating, bitbit pa rin si Luis. "Hans! Ang akala ko'y hindi ka na makakapunta!"

Of course, Hans would be here. He was friends with Dumas. And of course, Dumas and Lulli wouldn't think I was still hung up on him. Siyam na taon na nga naman.

I forced a smile and turned to see Hans standing at the entrance of the garden. My heart ached at the sight of him, kasabay noon ay ang muling pagkabuhay ng pinaghalu-halong damdamin sa aking dibdib. I had just seen him this morning, waking up in his apartment battered and bruised from the night before. He had been there, tending to me, at ang isipin lang iyon ay sapat na upang muling magising lahat ng sugat na inalagaan ko.

"Uncle Hans! Uncle Hans! Uncle Hans!" Lindsay ran towards him, her little arms outstretched.

Hans stood there in his usual rugged attire—a pair of worn jeans that fit him perfectly, a plain white shirt that clung to his muscular frame, and a leather jacket slung over one shoulder. His hair was slightly disheveled, tila ba sadyang ginulo iyon. He looked effortlessly handsome, yet there was a hardness to his eyes, a guardedness that hadn't been there before.

Hans glanced at me, his eyes briefly locking with mine. For a moment, the world seemed to pause. In his gaze, I saw a reflection of my own struggle. But he quickly looked away, following Lindsay's lead.

"Hey there, birthday girl! How's my favorite four-year-old?" Mabilis niyang kinarga ang bata at hindi ko maiwasang mapintahan ang kanina'y tumatakbo lang sa aking imahinasyon.

The life we could've had.

Lindsay giggled, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I'm four now, Uncle Hans! Mommy says I'm a big girl."

"You sure are," Hans said, his voice warm and affectionate. He set Lindsay down gently and looked up. Muli sanang magtatama ang aming mga mata kung hindi lang ako mabilis na nakaiwas.

Tinungo ko ang refreshment table na para bang balewala lang sa akin na naroon siya, kahit na ang totoo ay hindi na mapanatag ang aking dibdib sa malakas nitong pagkabog. I could still feel his eyes on me, nakasunod sa bawat galaw ko. At alam kong siya iyon dahil wala namang pinagbago ang epekto ng mga tingin niya sa akin ilang taong nakalipas.

Si Hans lang ang may kayang magpadama sa akin ng ganoon.

Lulli stepped closer to me, her voice low and apologetic. "I'm sorry, hindi ko nasabi sa'yo na pupunta si Hans. Ninong kasi siya ni Luis. Hindi ko rin naman alam na mapapaunlakan nga niya dahil panay naman siyang wala sa Pilipinas."

"It's okay," I said, my voice more steady than I felt. "It's been nine years, Lulli. I should be able to handle seeing him."

Isa pa'y hindi naman ngayon ang unang beses na nakita ko siya sa loob ng mahabang panahon. Kagabi tapos ay kaninang umaga rin. Hindi ko na nga lang iyon sinabi pa kay Lulli. Hindi na kailangan.

Before Lulli could say more, Hans approached us, Lindsay still clinging to his leg.

"Magandang gabi, Lulli," saglit niyang tinapunan ng tingin si Lulli bago ko maramdamang muli ang kaniyang mga mata sa akin. "Caice..."

Hindi ko sana siya gustong pansinin kaya lang ayaw ko namang isipin ng mag-asawa na may tensyon pang nakapagitan sa amin. I didn't want them to think that I still care. Dahil hindi na!

"Hans," I replied, nodding slightly.

I focused my attention on making refreshments, meticulously slicing lemons and mint, not once turning to look at Hans even though I could feel his eyes on me. Tuluyan nang nabalewala ang ingay ng paligid dahil sa labis na lakas ng kabog ng aking dibdib. I could sense Lulli and Dumas silently observing our interaction from the sidelines, kuryoso at nag-aalala ang mga ito.

Lumayong sandali si Lindsay sa kaniya nang may dumaan itong kalaro at kinuha niya ang pagkakataong iyon para lapitan ako. Lihim akong napamura sa ginawa niyang iyon.

"Hindi ko inaasahang makikita kita dito ngayong gabi," malumanay niyang sabi. Hindi naman malakas ang boses ni Hans pero nasisiguro ko rin na nakarating ang sinabi niya sa pandinig ng mag-asawa, mas pinagmasdan kasi kami ng mga ito.

I kept my eyes on the lemonade, carefully stirring the pitcher. "I promised Lulli I'd come,"

"Are you feeling better now? Kumusta ang mga sugat mo?" Magkasunod niyang tanong sa parehong tinig. "Hindi sapat ang pahinga mo kagabi, sana'y itinuloy mo lang iyon ngayong araw."

The genuine concern in his voice caught me off guard, but it also irritated me. Lalo pa't pasimpleng napasinghap ang mag-asawa sa gilid. I knew his question had sent a message to Lulli and Dumas that we had been together last night. I could see the confusion and curiosity in their expressions from the corner of my eye.

I finally looked up, meeting his gaze with a steely one of my own. "I'm fine, Hans. I've had worse."

He winced slightly at my tone but didn't back down. "Mabuti naman kung totoong ayos ka nga."

"Bakit naman sa palagay mo hindi?" Matapang kong tanong kahit na sa totoo lang ay unti-unti na akong pinanghihinaan ng loob sa simpleng paghaharap pa lang namin na ganito. But I would die first before letting him know that.

"Because you seemed to have had a rough night," diretsang sagot niya. Lalo naming nakuha ang atensyon ng mag-asawa at hindi ko iyon nagustuhan.

I sighed, setting the pitcher down with a bit more force than necessary. At sa mas mahinang tinig... "Hans, can we not do this here? It's Lindsay's birthday. Let's just... pretend for a while, okay?"

Lulli, unable to hold back any longer, stepped forward. "Ayos lang ba kayong dalawa? May problema ba?"

I shot Hans a glare before turning to her, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. "It's nothing, Lulli. Nangumusta lang itong si Hans."

I handed Lulli the pitcher and excused myself bago pa ito muling makapagtanong.

"I just need to use the restroom for a minute."

She nodded, concern still evident in her eyes. Without waiting for another word, I turned and walked into the house, heading straight for the comfort room. Mabilis akong nagkulong sa loob at pagod na isinandal ang aking likuran sa pinto. Ito na naman ang pamilyar na panginginig ng aking mga tuhod gawa ng matinding epekto ni Hans sa akin. I stared at myself in the mirror, trying to compose my thoughts.

Hindi ko na siya mahal.

Hindi na.

Ilang sandali rin akong nanatili doon at tuloy sa paghamig ng aking sarili. Ayaw ko naman masyadong magtagal dahil baka kung ano pa ang isipin ng mga ito. Kaya naman lumabas rin ako agad nag masigurong ayos na ang itsura ko.

I straightened my blouse, smoothed my hair, and took one last deep breath before unlocking the door and stepping out.

"Caice!"

Napatigil ako sa kalagitnaan ng hallway patungo pabalik sa hardin nang marinig ko ang baritonong tinig na iyon mula sa aking likuran. I turned around to see a man grinning at me, holding a juice box in his hand. He looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place him. Nangunot ang aking noo sa pilit na pag-alala sa kung sino nga ito.

Tumawa siya nang mapansin ang aking pagkalito. "You don't remember me, do you? It's Jeremiah. From college."

Shoot! Yes, Jeremiah! Nabanggit nga siya sa akin ni Lulli kanina. At hindi nga ito nagkamali, Jeremiah did approach me.

"Oh, right! Jeremiah!" Pormal ko siyang ginawaran ng ngiti. "Wow, it's been a long time. How have you been?"

He laughed and took a sip from his juice box. "I've been good, really good. Life's been busy, you know how it is. But it's great to see you. I didn't expect to run into you here."

"I know, it's a small world," I said, relaxing a bit. "I'm here for Lulli's daughter's birthday party."

"Ako rin," iniangat niya sa akin ang juice box. "I'm with my daughter, kaklase niya si Lindsay."

Tumango ako. Alam ko na iyon, nasabi na sa akin ni Lulli. But I didn't want to give him the impression na pinag-uusapan namin siya. Napag-usapan lang. Magkaiba iyon.

"Talaga?"

"Yeah, her name is Ashley," lumingon siya sa paligid tapos ay tumuro sa isang bahagi ng hardin mula sa salaming bintana. "The one in a pink dress."

I followed his gaze and saw a little girl in a pink dress playing happily with the other children. I smiled and turned back to him. "She's adorable. She must look like your wife, she doesn't look anything like you."

Jeremiah chuckled and corrected me, "Ex-wife, actually. But thank you, she gets that a lot."

"Oh, I'm sorry," I said quickly, hoping I hadn't stepped on any sensitive ground. "I didn't know."

Okay. Hindi ko sinasadya iyon. Totoong nakalimutan ko ang detalyeng iyon na nasabi na kanina sa akin ni Lulli.

"It's okay," kalmante niyang sabi, may ngiti sa mga labi. "We've been separated for a while now. Ashley is the best part of it all, though."

Muli akong tumango. Mukha namang balewala kay Jeremiah na nabanggit sa usapan ang dati niyang asawa. Kaya ibinalik ko na lamang sa anak niya ang usapan, muli kong binalingan ang kinaroroonan ng bata. "She looks like she's having a great time."

"She is," he agreed, his eyes softening as he watched his daughter. "She loves parties."

Hindi ko man talaga gustong makipag-usap kay Jeremiah ay mas lalong hindi ko naman gustong bumalik sa lamesa nina Lulli kung saan naroon pa rin si Hans, nakaupo at nakikipag-usap sa mga ito habang ang mga mata ay nakasunod sa akin.

I hated that I knew he was looking at me every time he did.

"It's nice to see you again after all these years. How have you been? What have you been up to?"

Nagliwanag ang anyo ni Jeremiah nang mas nagmukha akong interesado sa kaniya. He obviously wanted to talk to me, hindi ba't iyon na ang sinabi ni Lulli sa akin kanina? He might try to talk to me kung makita niya ako.

"Well, after college, I started working in marketing. It's been a roller coaster, but I enjoy it. And you?"

Hindi ko na maalala ang kursong kinuha niya noon pero hindi nga namin siya kapareho nina Lulli. Tanda ko ay may isa o dalawang subjects lang kami na magkaklase.

"I've been busy too. Work has been keeping me on my toes," I replied, trying to sound enthusiastic.

"I can imagine," muli ay sumipsip siya sa juice box. "It's good to see you again, though. You haven't changed much."

Kung alam lang nito na mas maraming nagbago sa akin kaysa hindi. "I hope that's a good thing."

"It is," pasimple niya akong hinagod ng tingin bago napangiti.

We continued talking, our conversation flowing easily. I didn't want to give Jeremiah the idea that I was desperate to get reacquainted with him, but I needed an escape, a reason not to go back to the table where Hans was. Jeremiah turned out to be the perfect distraction. He was full of sense and had a good humor.

Sa malayong lamesa kaming dalawa naupo nang muling bumalik sa hardin. Nakakatuwa lang dahil kahit pa abala siya sa pakikipag-usap sa akin ay hindi pa rin nawawala ang kaniyang tingin sa anak na abala ring nakikipaglaro.

I found myself genuinely enjoying our conversation. Jeremiah was easy to talk to. I never realized that. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung nagkausap man lang ba kami noong college.

We talked about everything—from our college days to our current lives, from work to our families. May mga bagay lang talagang iniiwasan kong mabanggit.

"Naalala mo pa ba? Noong foundation day, binili ko ang lahat ng tinda ng booth niyo tapos tinanggihan mo pa ring makipag-date sa akin," humalakhak siya.

Gusto ko sanang pagtuonan ng hustong pansin ang kuwento niya kaya lang naiilang na ako sa ginagawang paninitig ni Hans. Magmumukha namang tanga kung tatakpan ko ang aking mukha!

"Sinabi mo pang babayaran mo na lang ang ginastos ko para hindi na sumama ang loob ko," patuloy pa ni Jeremiah.

I forced a laugh. "Yeah, I remember that. You were so persistent! I didn't think anyone could be that determined."

"Of course! Who wouldn't be persistent for a chance to go out with you?" Jeremiah teased, his eyes twinkling with amusement. "I had to make sure you noticed me somehow."

"Napansin naman kita, 'di ba?" Ngumis ako, despite the tension I felt from Hans's gaze. "But I guess I wasn't ready for dates back then."

"And now? Are you ready for dates now?"

I was about to respond when I felt Hans's gaze intensify. It was as if he was trying to communicate something through his eyes alone. Na parang naririnig niya ang pinag-uusapan namin ni Jeremiah. I glanced his way, and sure enough, he was staring at me, his expression unreadable yet intense. He sat across the garden, looking at me as if I were the only person in the world.

Ayan. Sa mga ganyang paraan ng paninitig niya ako kuhang-kuha.

I quickly turned back to Jeremiah, my heart pounding. "Well, things have changed a lot since then."

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit parang natatakot akong sagutin ng diretso ang simpleng tanong niyang iyon. Siguro dahil ako mismo ay hindi ko alam kung handa na nga ba ako.

"Yeah, I can imagine," Jeremiah said, not noticing my distraction. "But it's good to see you again. Maybe we could catch up more sometime?"

"Sure," wala sa loob kong sagot. "That would be nice."

Hans's gaze never wavered. I could feel it like a physical presence, heavy and unsettling. I tried to focus on Jeremiah, but it was getting harder by the second.

"So, do you still keep in touch with anyone from college?" Jeremiah asked, trying to steer the conversation.

"Not really," may katotohanan kong sagot. "Naging abala talaga ako sa pag-aaral at kalaunan ay trabaho. Nitong uwi ko lang rin nakausap at nakita ulit sina Lulli at Therese."

Jeremiah nodded, glancing around the garden. "Abala ka ngang talaga..."

Napahaba pa ang usapan namin ni Jeremiah, napansin ko na rin ang unti-unting pagnipis ng mga bisita. May ibang umuwi na dahil pagabi na, ang ibang mga bata ay napagod na rin kakalaro. Kahit ang anak ni Jeremiah ay nakailang balik na sa lamesa namin para uminom ng tubig, hindi nga lang rin talaga maawat, gustong-gusto pa rin maglaro.

Nang makita ko ang pagdating ni Therese ay alam ko nang hindi na ako makakaiwas pa kay Hans. Kakailanganin ko nang bumalik sa lamesang kinaroroonan ng mga ito.

"Si Therese 'yon, hindi ba?" Nakangiting sabi ni Jeremiah nang kawayan kami ni Therese. Sabay pa halos kaming tumayo upang lapitan ang mga ito.

"Caice!" Nakakarinding sigaw nito bago ako takbuhin ng yakap. "Inuman tayo, huh!"

"Therese, kakarating mo pa lang 'yan agad ang bungad mo kay Caice! Hindi pa nga 'yan na nananghalian!" Lulli shot her a glare.

"Eh, 'di kumain! Problema ba 'yun?" Hinawakan ni Therese ang braso ko at hinila sa kaniyang uupuan. Nilingon nito si Jeremiah, tumaas ang kilay. "Hoy! Ikaw pala 'yan! Kumusta ka na?"

"Madaldal ka pa rin, Therese," Jeremiah shook his head and laughed.

"Sumali ka sa'min! Inuman 'to!" Nginuso ni Therese ang upuan sa tabi ni Dumas at doon pinapuwesto si Jeremiah. "Ikaw, dito ka! Tabi tayo!"

Hindi ko alam kung sinadya ba ni Therese na igitna ako sa kanilang dalawa ni Hans, pero ganoon ang kinalabasan ng puwesto namin.

"Hello, Hans! Ikaw pala 'yan!" Bungisngis ni Therese, tapos ay painosente akong sinulyapan.

I tried my hardest not to be affected by the fact that I was sitting next to Hans. The scent of his cologne was unmistakable and just by sitting so close to him brought back memories I tried to bury. Pilit na pilit kong itinuon ang aking buong atensyon sa usapan sa hapag. Kahit pa ang hirap ignorahin ni Hans. He wasn't doing anything naman, ni hindi rin nagsasalita. But I could damn feel him!

"Kumusta ka, Caice?" Sinserong tanong ni Dumas, nakahilig sa balikat nito ang asawa. "Nabanggit sa akin ni Lulli na psychologist ka na daw, ah?"

"Mabuti naman ako, Dumas. At oo, iyon ang trabaho ko. Malayo sa kursong kinuha namin nila Lulli, but it was where I found my heart again..."

Sandaling sinulyapan ni Dumas si Hans bago muling ibalik sa akin ang mga mata. "Buti at nahanap mong muli..."

Hindi ko alam kung may laman iyon, kung meron nga ay pinili kong huwag na lamang pagtuonan ng pansin at simpleng ngiti na lamang ang isagot.

Therese, seemingly oblivious to the tension, circled a bottle of alcohol around. "Come on, let's have a toast! To old friends and new memories!"

Gusto ko sanang tumanggi dahil mukhang nakalimutan nitong hindi pa kami naghahapunan pero kailangan kong uminom. If I wanted to survive the night, I should drink. Kaya mabilis kong inabot ang baso na para sa akin at itinaas iyon kagaya ng gawa ni Therese.

We all raised our glasses, and I took a small sip, hoping the alcohol would take the edge off my nerves.

"Sigurado ka bang ayos ka lang?"

Halos mabitiwan ko ang hawak na baso nang bumulong si Hans sa tabi ko. It was only meant for my ear, duda akong narinig ng iba dahil naging abala na ang mga ito sa biruan.

"I'm fine," I replied tersely, hindi na ako nagtangka pang lingunin siya.

Si Therese ay si Jeremiah naman ang nakita. "Jeremiah, tell us, what's new with you?"

Jeremiah launched into a story about his latest business venture, and I listened intently, grateful for the distraction. I nodded and smiled, trying to focus on his words instead of the heat radiating from Hans's body next to me.

As the conversation continued, I kept drinking. One shot, then another, and another. The burn of the alcohol was a welcome distraction, dulling the edges of my thoughts and feelings. Kahit pa nga ba hindi ko naman hustong maiwaglit sa aking isipan ang kaalamang katabi ko lang si Hans. Ito lang siya.

"Slow down, Caice. Hindi ito paunahan malasing," Hans whispered beside me after my third shot.

I ignored him, lifting the glass to my lips again. The liquid fire slid down my throat, momentarily numbing the ache in my chest. Pakialam naman niya, right?

Hans leaned closer, his voice more insistent. "Remember how drunk you were last night?"

I stiffened, the memory of the previous night flashing through my mind. The bar, the drinks, the arguments, the car, the accident. And then Hans. No! Hindi na puwedeng maulit ang nangyari kagabi na sinama niya ako sa bahay niya.

Tila nababasa naman niya ang tinatakbo ng aking isipan. "Kung ayaw mong maulit, huwag kang magpakalunod sa alak."

"Huwag mo akong pakialaman," I muttered, reaching for another shot.

Hans's hand shot out, gripping my wrist. Hindi ako pumalag, ibinaba kong madali ang aking kamay kasama ang kaniya sa ilalim ng lamesa bago pa may makapansin.

"Hahawakan ko 'to ng magdamag kung hindi ka talaga titigil,"

I yanked my hand away under the table. "Fine."

Napipilitan akong sumandal sa aking upuan at hindi na muling umabot ng alak. Well, I wasn't stopping dahil sinabi niya. Ayaw ko lang rin talagang malasing at maging alagain pa niya. Ayaw kong madikit man lang sa kaniya!

Dahil wala namang nakahalata sa usapan namin ni Hans ay tuloy lamang ang kuwentuhan ng mga ito. Si Therese ang bumabangka at panay si Jeremiah ang tinatanong nito na matyaga namang sinasagot ng huli.

I tried to focus on the conversation, nodding and smiling at the right moments, but my mind kept drifting back to Hans. He was still too close, and I could feel his gaze on me, even as I tried to ignore him.

Suddenly, I noticed Hans reaching across the table. He picked up the pitcher of water and poured it into my empty glass, filling it to the brim. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of drinking it, but the alcohol had left me parched, and my throat was dry.

Hindi ko man gusto ay hindi rin naman ako bastos, kaya pasimple akong nagpasalamat nang hindi pa rin siya nililingon.

"Thank you," I muttered, more out of politeness than genuine gratitude. I picked up the glass, taking a small sip, and felt a little relief as the cool water slid down my throat.

"Grabe, noh? Ang tagal na! Parang kailan lang ay mga college pa tayo, tapos ngayon may kani-kaniyang buhay at pamilya ng binubuo!" Madramang sabi ni Lulli, humilig pang lalo kay Dumas. "It's good to see everyone here. It feels like old times."

"Yeah," I agreed, trying to keep my tone light. "It's nice to catch up."

Hans didn't say anything, pero ramdam kong hindi naaalis ang tingin niya sa akin. I took another sip of water, trying to calm my racing thoughts. This was supposed to be a fun gathering, not another source of stress.

Nagulat pa ako nang biglang tumayo si Hans. Akala ko'y nag-cr o may kung anong ginawa kaya medyo nagulat pa ako nang bumalik siyang may dalang plato. He placed it in front of me. I wasn't sure if the others didn't notice or if they just didn't give much attention to it.

He leaned in, whispering, "You need to eat something."

I glanced at the plate. It was filled with my favorites: grilled chicken, garlic rice, and a small serving of fresh vegetables. The sight of it made my stomach rumble, reminding me that I hadn't eaten since this morning.

Gusto kong lalong magalit kay Hans dahil hindi naman niya kailangang asikasuhin ako. Hindi dapat ganito! Ano ba itong ginagawa niya?