Buong araw akong nagkulong sa loob ng aking silid upang hustong maiwasan si Hans. Hindi ko pa rin alam kung paano ko siya pakikiharapan matapos ang nangyari, o kung kakayanin ko pa bang magpanggap na balewala lang ang lahat sa akin gayong nasaksihan niya kung paano ako magliyab isang hawak niya lang.

I couldn't help but look back on the times when Hans and I were together. How did I love him so intensely? Every moment we shared was filled with joy and love. But along with those memories were the wounds and pain caused by our relationship.

When I woke up this morning, I could still feel the warmth of his hands on my skin. I couldn't forget how he looked at me, how he made me happy and feel special. However, despite all that, I knew we weren't meant to be together. We were like two stars that collided, causing chaos and destruction in our lives.

I pondered why we even met and fell in love if, in the end, we would only bring suffering to each other. Palagi na lang ba akong masasaktan kay Hans? Hindi na ba talaga ako matututo? Paulit-ulit na lang ba talaga akong bibigay?

Ang akala ko ay tapos na, akala ko nabuhos ko na lahat ng sakit sa dibdib ko kagabi. Pero meron pa rin pala akong i-i-iyak. Siguro nga totoong may mga taong paulit-ulit na pagtatagpuin ng kapalaran pero kailanman ay hindi itatadhana.

Palagi lang akong masasaktan kay Hans at ganoon rin siya sa akin.

Maybe Audrey is the right person for him. Masakit pero kailangan kong tanggapin iyon. Kailangan kong tanggapin na may mga bagay sa mundong hindi ko na hawak at lalong hindi ko kontrolado.

Audrey is pure, untainted by the chaos that Hans and I shared. She is the type of woman who can bring peace and order into Hans's life. Meanwhile, I am the storm that arrived and disrupted his world. Tama na. Tapos na. Ayaw ko na. Iyon na 'yun.

It's hard to accept, but maybe it's what's necessary. I shouldn't be an obstacle between the two of them. My love for Hans isn't enough to sacrifice his happiness and peace.

I need to accept that our love isn't always enough. The wounds we inflicted on each other are deeper than I thought. I can't force something that will only bring more pain and chaos.

As I think about all of this, I feel the weight in my chest slowly lifting. It's still not easy, but I know I need to do this. I need to let go and allow Hans to move on with Audrey. It's the right thing to do.

Perhaps in time, I will find peace and happiness for myself as well. For now, I need to accept that my love for Hans is just a part of my past. A part that I need to let go of to move forward and find a new beginning.

Nang lumabas ako ng silid ay agad kong narinig ang pagkilos mula sa ibaba, nanggagaling sa kusina. Umuulan pa rin sa labas pero bahagya na iyong humina. Sana tumigil na ang ulan para mapakiusapan ko na si Hans na ipasundo ako. Sa ikalawang araw pa lang na magkasama kami sa iisang bubong ay iyon na ang nangyari, hindi ko na alam kung matatagalan ko pang makalimang araw. Ganoon ako kawalang tiwala sa sarili ko kapag dating kay Hans.

"Good morning," bati niya sa akin nang matanawan akong papasok sa kusina. Pinagmamasdan niya ako nang buong ingat na para bang isang maling salita ang mabitawan ay bigla akong maglalaho sa kaniyang harapan.

"Morning," halos hindi kumibot ang aking mga labi nang gantihan ko ang bati niya. I pulled a chair and sat down, siya naman ay ipinagpatuloy ang pagsimsim ng kape.

His movements were cautious and measured. It was as if he was afraid of making any sudden gestures that might startle me. He motioned towards the breakfast he had prepared. "Eat," he said softly.

"Thanks," I muttered, picking up my fork. I started eating, but the food tasted like nothing. My mind was elsewhere, trapped in the swirling emotions and thoughts that had kept me up all night.

Hans seemed to sense my uneasiness. He withdrew his gaze, focusing instead on the newspaper in front of him. The silence between us was thick and heavy, punctuated only by the occasional rustling of the pages as he turned them.

Nang iwan ko siya sa kusina kahapon ay hindi naman na ako pinilit pang makipag-usap ni Hans. Kinatok niya lang ako ng ilang beses para kumain ngunit hindi rin naman nagpabalik-balik nang hindi ako sumagot. He knew I needed time and space. At iyon ang ibinigay niya sa akin.

I glanced at him, noticing the lines of tension on his face. He was trying to appear nonchalant, but the effort was palpable. Each movement, each breath he took seemed measured and deliberate, as if he was carefully navigating a minefield.

Well, at least I knew he was trying.

"Did you sleep well?" Maingat ang tanong na iyon, ang tinig niya ay pilit na pinakaswal.

"Yeah," I lied, not wanting to dive into the turmoil that had kept me awake. "You?"

"Same," he replied, his eyes not leaving the newspaper. "Pinatulog ng mahimbing ng bagyo..."

Hindi ko alam kung literal o metaphorical ang sinabi niyang iyon. Either way, hindi ko na binigayng pansin pa. I took another bite, chewing mechanically.

Hans cleared his throat, and I could sense he was about to say something. "Look, Caice..."

"Let's not," I said firmly. "Not now."

He sighed, folding the newspaper and placing it on the table. "Alright,"

Inubos niya ang kape na iniinom at tumayo na upang magpaalam na sa taas lang daw siya. Pakiramdam ko ay paraan niya iyon para hindi na ako mahirapan pang umiwas sa kaniya at lihim ko iyong ipinagpasalamat.

Inubos ko ang buong umaga sa pagbabasa ng kung anu-ano. Sa sala ako nanatili, hindi ko na tinangka pang magkulong sa loob ng silid dahil baka walang humpay na naman akong umiyak. At least, kapag narito ako sa sala ay hindi ko tinatangkang umiyak sa takot na baka maabutan pa ako ni Hans.

Among the books on the shelves, I found several that caught my interest. One, in particular, drew me in—a comprehensive guide to breast cancer awareness. Si Mommy lang ang siyang pumapasok sa aking isipan habang nagbabasa. I knew my dad would take good care of her, but I couldn't help wishing I could be there with her. Nag-aalala kaya siya sa akin? O sanay na siyang hindi ako nagpapakita?

The book was thorough, covering everything from the basics of breast anatomy to the latest advancements in treatment. I read about the different types of breast cancer, the symptoms to watch for, and the importance of regular self-examinations and mammograms. Each page was a blend of clinical facts and personal stories of women who had battled the disease.

I absorbed the information with a mix of fascination and dread. The statistics were sobering, but the stories of survival were inspiring. Umaasa akong isa si Mommy sa mga mapapabilang sa iilang naipanalo ang battle against cancer. I learned about the genetic factors, the environmental risks, and the lifestyle choices that could influence one's chances of developing breast cancer. The book emphasized the importance of early detection, which often made the difference between life and death. Na siyang ipinagpapasalamat ko dahil ayon naman sa doctor ni Mom ay madadaan pa sa gamutan ang cancer nito.

Mom was a fighter, always had been. I remembered how she had faced every challenge in life with unwavering strength and grace. This diagnosis was just another hurdle, but I knew she would overcome it.

I read about the various treatments—surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, and hormone therapy. Each option had its own set of benefits and side effects. The thought of my mom enduring any of these treatments made my heart ache. I wished I could take some of the burden from her, share in her pain, and help her bear it.

The book also talked about the emotional and psychological impact of a breast cancer diagnosis. The fear, the uncertainty, the strain on relationships. It was all so overwhelming. I felt a surge of helplessness, knowing there was little I could do from here. I wanted to be there for her, to hold her hand, to reassure her that everything would be okay.

Lost in my thoughts, I didn't notice Hans standing in the doorway, watching me.

"Nine years," he said quietly, "and it still fucks me over every time I see you cry."

I startled, my hand quickly rising to wipe away the tears I hadn't even realized were falling. I turned to face him, hastily closing the book and straightening my spine.

"I—I'm fine," I stammered, clearing my throat in an attempt to sound composed. "Just... reading."

Hans walked over, his movements measured and cautious, like he was approaching a wounded animal. Naupo siya sa pang-isahang couch na nasa harapan ko. "You don't have to pretend with me, Caice. Anong problema?"

Hindi ko maipaliwanag kung paanong bigla na naman akong nanghina sa simpleng tanong na iyon. Siyam na taon... Siyam na taon nga ba ang lumipas pero gustong gusto ko pa ring palaging magsumbong kay Hans ng nararamdaman ko. And it didn't matter if I hated him or didn't want to be around him.

Sa simpleng tanong na iyon ay bigla na lang gusto kong iiyak sa kaniya ang lahat.

And I'm a psychologist, huh?

Isa rin iyon sa dahilan kung bakit ko pinili ang propesyong iyon, dahil alam kong wala na akong Hans kung sakaling kakailanganin kong huminga. Oh, well. Ngayon ay narito siya at naghihintay ng sagot ko.

I sighed, feeling the weight of everything crash down on me. "Si Mommy... She's... she's dealing with breast cancer."

Hans remained composed, his face showing concern but not panic. He glanced at the book I had been reading and then back to me. "How bad is it?"

"Early stages," pabulong kong sagot sa medyo namamaos na tinig. "They caught it early, so there's a good chance she'll be okay. But it's still... terrifying."

Tumango siya, pinagmamasdan pa rin ako. "Early detection is crucial. It sounds like she has a fighting chance."

I nodded, feeling a lump in my throat. "I know. I just can't help but worry. Isa pa ay ipinangako ko sa kaniya na araw-araw ko siyang dadalawin. Paano ko gagawin iyon gayong narito ako?"

Hans stood up and walked over to me, handing me his phone. "Do you want to try calling them again? Medyo mahina nga lang ang signal, pero subukan mo lang ng subukan."

I accepted the phone and dialed my mother's number, my heart pounding with each ring. But the same thing happened—it rang, but no one answered.

Ilang beses ko pang sinubukan ngunit pareho lamang ang nangyayari. My shoulders slumped in defeat as I handed the phone back to Hans.

"Send her a message instead," he suggested gently. "At least she'll know you're trying to reach her."

I nodded and quickly typed out a message, pouring all my concern and love into the words. I hit send and returned the phone to Hans, who nodded understandingly.

"If the weather is any better tomorrow, I'll arrange your pick up,"