I pushed my front door open and stepped inside. I was soaking wet and freezing cold. But I didn’t care. My mind kept replaying the scene with Will. Just before we got out of his car, we had been kissing and joking around. Now we were broken up.

                “Ethan? Is that you?” mom called.

                I couldn’t let my parents see me like this. They would never stop worrying about me, and I didn’t want that.

                “Yea,” I called and cleared my weak voice.

                “What are you doing home so early?” she asked, her voice getting closer.

                I turned to hurry down the stairs. I could hideout in the downstairs bathroom. Take a shower to clean myself up. Change into dry clothes.

                “Ethan!”

                My mom’s voice was shocked and concern. I cursed and turned to see her standing at the top of the stairs.

                She hurried down to me. “Oh my god, you are absolutely soaked. Your skin is even turning blue!”

                She grabbed my hand and pulled me to the bathroom. She pulled my jacket and shirt off and wrapped a towel around me.

                “Take a hot shower. Warm yourself up. What happened? Where’s Will?” she asked.

                “We broke up. I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, my voice warning.

                She bit her lip and nodded. “Okay. Warm yourself up with a hot shower. I’ll make you some hot chocolate when you’re out.”

                She left the bathroom and I stripped down all the way, turning on the shower and stepping into the warm water. I looked down at the scars on my legs and clenched my fists.

                “No, no, no. I won’t,” I snarled. “I won’t do it again. I won’t hurt myself.”

                I leaned against the wall, trying to cling to my strength and sanity. Will would calm down and come to his senses. He just had to.

                Hell, I bet by tomorrow Will would be calling me to apologize. I would tease him about the incident and we would hang out and kiss and everything would be fine again.

                “He won’t break his promise to me. He promised to never let me be alone. To never leave me,” I reminded myself.

                I turned the water off when it started to get cold. I got out, wrapping a towel around my waist and heading upstairs. I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and an old T-shirt.

                I just wanted to stay holed up in my room, but I knew my mom would worry about me if I did. So I forced myself to leave my room and go into the living room.

                “Hey Ethan. Are you okay?” dad asked me with a frown. Mom had told him what had happened.

                “I’m fine.” I put on my usual smile. An old routine. Smile, laugh, spit out sarcastic remarks. Act like nothing was wrong. Just like always. Pretend that horrible loneliness wasn’t eating me up inside. Just like always.

                God I was such an overdramatic pessimist.

                “Why don’t you call your friends to come over? I bet hanging out with Benji would cheer you up,” he said, offering me a small smile.

                “Maybe,” I said with a shrug.

                But I knew I wouldn’t call my friends. I was too afraid. I was scared to see them walk out on me too. What if they left me? What if they blamed me too?

                What if I went to school tomorrow and they didn’t want to talk to me? What if they were through with me too? What if I was all alone again?

                My hands were trembling and sweaty, and my heart was slamming against my chest. Would they all leave me too? Would they side with Will and abandon me? They had known him longer, after all.

                “Ethan?” My dad sounded alarmed. “Hey, what’s going on? Are you okay?”

                I tugged at my shirt, feeling like I was being choked. I gasped for breath and staggered to the side, feeling dizzy.

                “Ethan!” My dad jumped up and caught me as I stumbled forward. He led me to the couch and sat down with me, rubbing my back.

                “Mary!” he called in alarm. “Mary, he’s having a panic attack!”

                My mom rushed into the room and over to me. I was still gasping for breath, tugging wildly at my shirt.

                “Shhh, you’re okay Ethan,” mom soothed, sitting next to me and putting her arm around me.

                I managed to pull my shirt off, throwing it on the ground. I tried to stand up, but dizziness overwhelmed me again and my dad pulled me back down, holding me against himself and stroking my hair.

                “Don’t try to get up. Just calm down,” he said gently.

                But I gasped harder and struggled against my dad’s arms. The look he had given me at dinner flashed through my mind and I fell backwards against my mom, my heart rate picking up again.

                “No, Ethan, no. It’s okay,” mom said, trying to stay calm. “It’s okay, honey. You need to calm down, though.” She gently rubbed my back, holding my hand with her free one. “You’re going to be okay. Just calm down.”

                I miserably rode out my panic attack. This one lasted much longer than the one with Will had. My mom rubbed my back, trying to soothe me. My dad watched me helplessly.

                After a while, my heart rate returned to normal and my trembling stopped. My breathing regulated itself and I shakily ran a hand through my hair. That had been a bad panic attack.

                “So,” I said, turning to my mom. “Can I have that hot chocolate now?”

                “Ethan, you never get panic attacks that bad. And I thought you stopped having them a few years ago. How many have you had without telling us?” my mom demanded.

                “One,” I said. “It freaked Will out, I guess.”

                “I’ll go make you hot chocolate,” she mumbled, standing up and leaving the living room.

                I grabbed my shirt off of the floor and pulled it back on. I glanced at my dad and offered him a grin.

                “Sorry about that,” I said, trying to play it off.

                “Ethan, that was bad. That was really bad,” he said quietly. “You haven’t had a panic attack that bad since your grandfather died.”

                “Sorry,” I said, playing with a hole in my sweatpants.

                “Ethan, what’s going on with you lately? You don’t meet my eyes anymore,” he said, a slight trace of pain in his voice. “And when you were having that attack…you panicked even more when I held you.”

                I looked up, forcing myself to meet his eyes. He knew what had been happening. He knew I could tell how disappointed and ashamed he was. And he felt terrible for it. He hated himself for the way he thought of me.

                But that just made it so much worse. Because as much as he tried to be proud of me, he couldn’t find it in himself.

                Luckily, my mom came out at that moment. She handed me a mug of hot chocolate and I thanked her before hurrying away to my bedroom.

                “Get it together Ethan,” I mumbled to myself, sliding down against the wall and hugging my knees to my chest. “Just get it together. It’s a breakup. It’s not the end of the world.”

                But it was so much more than a breakup. It was a broken promise from a boy I had fallen in love with. It was a moment that had crushed my dreams of not being alone anymore.

                Will had dug up all my bad memories to try and help me. But now he had been frightened off and I was left alone with these memories.

                I grabbed my hot chocolate and sipped n it, turning on my iPod to break the all-too familiar silence of my bedroom. Mumford and Sons began to play and I groaned, banging my head against the wall lightly.

                “You said no one would ever know the love that we had shared. As I took my leave to go, it was clear you didn’t care. Where are you now? Where are you now? Do you ever think of me in the quiet, in the crowd?” I sang along.

                I sighed and got up. I finished my hot chocolate and laid down on my bed. My music continued to play as I tossed and turned, the time ticking by slowly on my clock.

                By the time my alarm for school had gone off, I had managed to slip into a 10 minute sleep that consisted of me waking up screaming and too terrified to go back to sleep. Lovely.

                “Today is going to be fantastic,” I grumbled, changing my clothes.

                I went out to the kitchen and my mom frowned at me. “Here, I made you coffee,” she said, sliding it to me.

                I didn’t want to go to school today. But if I didn’t go, my parents would worry about me. I couldn’t let them worry about me.

                “What, no creamer?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at her.

                “Black coffee is better for you,” she said.

                “Black coffee is gross. Hand me French vanilla creamer,” I said.

                She sighed but did as I asked. I downed the coffee and followed her out to the car. She pulled up to the school a few minutes later.

                “Bye. Have a good day, Ethan. I love you,” she said.

                “Adios,” I said, getting out of the car.

                I went into the school, trying to stay calm. For once, I didn’t want to see Benji. I didn’t want to see any of them. I was scared to see them. I was scared to see rejection in their eyes.

                “Ethan!”

                I froze and slowly turned. “Jude,” I snarled, my control nearly snapping at the sight of his smug face.

                “How’s your boyfriend?” he asked. Nate snickered.

                “Ex boyfriend,” I said, forcing myself to keep calm. “And, hey, at least my ex isn’t fucking Benji Bryant.”

                Jude’s lips twitched and anger flashed through his eyes, but he managed to cling to his composure. “I heard a little secret of his got out around his college campus.”

                “Indeed it did. I wonder how it could’ve possibly happened,” I said.

                “It’s amazing what you can do when you know a few older siblings,” Jude said, smirking.

                “So Asher is turned out to be a dick too?” I said.

                “My brother didn’t tell anyone. He promised Will he wasn’t going to, and he didn’t,” Nate said.

                “Mia,” I said, my eyes widening a little.

                “She’s nice and quiet, but her older sister likes to gossip. And her older sister happens to be a mass communications major at the same college as Will Duvet,” Jude said, looking overly pleased with himself. “All we had to do was befriend Mia, and let that little secret slip to her sister.”

                “Well, congratulations. You’re now on Sonnet’s hate list for screwing with her brother,” I said.

                “This wasn’t about screwing with Will. Oh sure, I wanted to get him back for hitting me. But it was to teach you a lesson, you pathetic piece of shit. You want to taunt me with Gideon all the time? Fine. I wrecked your relationship the way you wrecked mine,” he said, his smirk growing wider and his already black eyes seeming to get even darker.

                “I need to find an excessive amount of koalas,” I grumbled. I sighed. “You know, I could always show Nate’s parents that video of you attacking me and Benji. I’m sure they’d love to see that.”

                Nate’s face paled a little. “You little shit.”

                Jude shook his head. “Don’t even worry about it, Nate. Ethan won’t do that because if he does, we’ll make Will’s life a living hell. We could torture him to the point where he would drop out of college. And we never even have to say a word to him.”

                I bit my lip, hard. Jude had finally found something to hold over my head. Myself? I didn’t mind taking the words and punches. I was used to it. But I wasn’t going to let him go after Will.

                “Go step on a lego you dick,” I said and hurried away from him.

                I went to my locker and began to exchange my books. I jumped in surprise when a hand landed on my shoulder.

                “Just give me a heart attack,” I said, turning to face Benji.

                “Where were you? You usually come over to us in the morning,” he said with a frown. “You looked exhausted. Are you okay?”

                “I’m fine,” I said, shutting my locker. The bell rang overhead. “I’ll catch you later Benji.”

                I went off to class. When lunch time came around, I went over to the usual table after a quick mental debate.

                Sonnet looked up at me. “I know something happened last night. But Will wouldn’t talk to any of us. He just locked himself in his bedroom and blasted music all night. Which, by the way, was obnoxious since my room is right above his,” she said.

                “Jude got to him,” I said with a shrug.

                “I figured,” she said, glaring over at Jude’s table.

                Benji and Gideon came and sat down with us. Sonnet and I dropped the subject of Will, instead talking casually as we ate.

                I got up and went over to the vending machine to get a drink. I sighed in annoyance as Nate came up to me.

                “What do you want?” I asked.

                “A drink,” he said, gesturing towards the vending machine and waving a dollar in my face.

                “Yea, yea, yea,” I said, pushing the button for a bottle of water.

                “You know, Gideon may have broken up with Jude. But at least Jude has friends to rely on. What do you have? You have those three. And I can tell that they don’t know what happened. Once they find out, whose side do you think they’ll take? They’ve only known you for a few months,” Nate said, pushing me out of the way once I had my bottle of water. He put his dollar in the vending machine. “They’ll ditch you because Will ditched you. And you’ll be all alone, just like always.”

                My hands started trembling and I felt my throat starting to close up. Realizing that I didn’t want to suffer a panic attack in the middle of the cafeteria, I flipped Nate off and hurried away.

                “Ethan, what’s wrong?” Benji asked as I hurried by the table. “Ethan!”

                I ignored him, rushing out of the cafeteria. I hurried towards the boys’ locker room, which I knew would be empty long enough for me to suffer the attack.

                But I staggered against the lockers, a wave of dizziness hitting me. I heard Benji yelling my name, and then he was catching me as I nearly fell over.

                “Hey! What’s happening?” he asked in fear. “Do you want me to go get the nurse?”

                “No!” I gasped, grabbing a fistful of his shirt as we sank to the ground together. “It’s just a panic attack. I’ll be fine. I swear I’ll be fine. Just let me ride it out.”

                “What’s going on?” Sonnet asked as she and Gideon ran over to us.

                “He said he’s having a panic attack,” Benji said, putting his arms around me and holding me comfortingly.

                “My cousin Michael used to get panic attacks. He’ll be okay. They’re scary to watch, but he just has to wait it out,” Sonnet said, and I detected a surprising amount of sympathy in her voice.

                Benji held me to himself as I suffered through the attack, this time managing to keep my shirt on. This one didn’t last very long, and I was better quicker than I expected.

                “Sorry,” I said as my heart rate began to slow down to a normal speed. “I wanted to be in your loving embrace so I had to find a creative way to do it.”

                “Not funny. Are you okay?” Benji asked, helping me to my feet.

                “I’m okay,” I said.

                But I knew I wasn’t okay. I was starting to beak from the inside out. And who knew how long it would be before I completely shattered?

                                                                                ***Will’s POV***

                I paced back and forth in my bedroom, my speakers blasting music loudly. I had skipped my classes today, despite promising myself that I was going to stop doing that. I knew how hard Ethan had tried to get me to go to classes, and I had gone for him. But now I was scared to go, and not because of my bad grades.

                “I’m scared to get close and I hate being alone. I long for that feeling to not feel at all. The higher I get, the lower I’ll sink, I can’t drown my demons, they know how to swim,” my music cried.

                There was a pounding on my bedroom door and I hurried over to it. I missed Ethan throwing the door open like he owned the place. That sassy little bastard with his fake confidence.

                But when I opened my door, it wasn’t who I was expecting. Sonnet shoved me back and stepped into my room, shutting the door.

                “Tell me what happened,” she commanded, pausing my iPod.

                “Get out!” I snapped, not in the mood to deal with my bitch of a sister.

                “Do you know what happened to Ethan today?” she asked.

                “No and I don’t care!” I lied. Had Jude done something to him? Was he okay?

                “First of all, the kid looks like he hasn’t slept once in his entire life. And then during lunch, he runs out of the cafeteria and collapses into a panic attack in the middle of the hallway,” she said, glaring at me accusingly. “I’ve never seen Ethan lose his composure that way before. What happened between you two yesterday? I know Jude Tibbits had something to do with it.”

                “Get out!” I said, pointing at my door. I didn’t want to talk to her about it.

                “No! He’s scared, Will. He kept looking at me, Benji, and Gideon like he was waiting for all of us to cut him out of our lives. You scared him!” she said. “You made him paranoid that everyone is going to ditch him!”

                That hurt to hear. That really hurt to hear, especially since I knew it was true. I had made a promise to him, and in a moment of panic and terror, I had broken it.

                “Sonnet, I’m handling everything. Get out,” I said coldly.

                “So you locking yourself in your room and skipping class, and Ethan falling into panic attacks is handling everything? Bravo, big brother. You’re truly impressive,” she said.

                I gripped her arm and dragged her over to the door. She tried to struggle against me, but I was physically stronger than her, and not in the mood for our usual play fights.

                I pushed her out of my bedroom and slammed the door in her face, locking it. I went over to my iPod and turned it back on, dropping onto my bed and nervously nibbling at my thumb, a habit I had quit a few years ago.

                “Maybe it’s all for the best, but I just don’t see any good in this,” I mumbled along with my music.

                There was a calmer knock on my door and I got up, pulling it open. I pulled Phoenix inside and shut the door, locking it again.

                “Will, before you freak out, it wasn’t that bad,” Phoenix said.

                “What are people saying about me?” I demanded.

                “Look, people were talking yesterday about how you were dating an underage boy. That Terra chick from your mass communications class started it. I did a little investigating, and found out from Asher that his little brother and Jude were behind it,” he said.

                “Ethan isn’t underage,” I said and blushed.

                “I know he isn’t. Look Will, Asher told me that the part about you being gay and with Ethan was true. There was no way to stop that rumor. So instead he and I went around and corrected the part about Ethan being underage. It was the most we could contain it,” he said, shrugging helplessly. “Once people realized that you weren’t actually doing anything scandalous with an underage boy, they stopped talking about it. I swear that no one was talking about you today.”

                “I freaked out on him and broke up with him,” I said, rubbing my temples. I was trying to keep the emotions out of my eyes. I used to get bullied a lot for being so sensitive, so I had learned to hide all my feelings from my face. It had become natural to me to hide what I was feeling, and I now found it difficult to show my feelings. I was afraid to show them. So the last thing I wanted right now was to let the wall in my eyes drop. I didn’t want anyone to see how vulnerable I was right now.

                “Just go apologize to him Will,” Phoenix encouraged.

                “I can’t,” I said quietly. “I really hurt him, Phoenix. I can’t go apologize to him if I’m going to hurt him again. I have to…hell, I have to accept myself before I can even face Ethan again. I owe him that. I owe him so much more, but that’s a place to start.”

                I looked up at Phoenix, meeting his eyes. “I’m gay. I’m gay and, dammit, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to have sex with Ethan.”

                My throat closed up a little as I spoke, but I managed to get the words out. I had to do this for Ethan. I had to learn to just finally accept my sexuality instead being afraid of it.

                And that Tibbits brat…I’d have to do something about him. Get him to really leave us alone, once and for all. Before he really hurt Ethan.

                “Will, people aren’t going to judge you like you think they are,” Phoenix said gently. “Man, look at society. Being gay isn’t a bad thing.”

                But the face of a bully in high school kept coming back to me. The way he had called me a faggot and hit me. I had been terrified ever since, because I had known I was gay ever since I was 13. I had known and lived in denial.

                I remembered so many times when I tried to go all the way with a girlfriend, but would stop myself. I had known I didn’t want sex with girls. I had known I was dreaming of guys.

                But I had been terrified to admit it to anyone, especially myself. And bullies hadn’t made it any better.

                Then I got to college, thinking that maybe I could start accepting myself. I had made friends and been happy. Until I realized that a good majority of my friends were homophobic.

                “What about my friends? The ones from our dorm?” I asked Phoenix.

                “They were shocked and didn’t believe the rumor at first. When Asher and I told them it was true, they felt bad for everything they said around you, Will. They don’t reject you for it,” he promised me.

                “I’ve got to fix this before Ethan does something stupid,” I said, raking a hand through my messy hair. He had worked so hard to help me, and I had dropped him. I had ripped his old scars open and walked away from him as they bled out. He needed me. I had started something and left in the middle of it. I couldn’t do this to him.

                Did I love Ethan? I think I did. And I think he loved me back. He was obnoxious, self-destructive, a hot mess, and a fucked up human being. But he was mine. He made me feel safe and sane. Being with him made me happy. He had never given up on me, even when I had been cruel to him.

                “Will, I’m sure he’ll be fine while you figure this out,” Phoenix said.

                “No, you don’t get it Phoenix. He’s unstable. I made him unstable long before I ditched him yesterday. I have to help him. I have to,” I whispered.

                I had to find some way to fix all of this. Some way to make it all up to Ethan. And I had to do it fast, before he did something stupid and reckless.

                And I had to be prepared for him to not forgive me.