61. Heading Home

BPOV

Laurent was carefully surrounded as we made our way back to the house, with Edward monitoring his thoughts for any hint of betrayal or escape. Laurent was using the time to ask questions of Carlisle about his choice of lifestyle.

Now that the stress was over, and we were victorious, I relaxed against Edward's back as he ran with me. I looked over to the wolves that were pacing us and started giggling. My laughter caught the attention of the group, and they all looked at me, wanting in on the joke. I blushed to see all their eyes on me and clapped a hand over my mouth.

"Too late now, Bella!" Jasper teased. "What are you thinking to cause such waves of mischievous amusement?" With that, he sent out waves of my emotions to all the others. In combination with their own feelings of euphoria and relief, the entire group, including Laurent, was soon snickering, giggling, and chuckling. Emmett, true to form, was giving a characteristic evil scientist laugh and rubbing his hands together, while wearing the look he usually gets when plotting a particularly devious prank.

I shook my head, refusing to admit my thoughts, though my own amusement was now doubled thanks to Jasper. In fact, I was laughing so hard I nearly fell backwards off of Edward. This was enough to immediately sober Edward as he quickly moved his body to adjust my center of gravity.

"Darn it, Bella!" he growled in irritation. "Do I need to make a backpack for you like parents carry their babies in, or can you please hold on to me? I wouldn't have dropped you, but it would hurt you if you suddenly found yourself upside down with the back of your head slamming into the back of my legs!"

I could see it in my mind's eye and shuddered, sobering up as well. I hated being the target of Edward's displeasure. I didn't intend to tell him how scared I had gotten, or how my heart had sunk all the way down to my toes while my stomach had been doing a full Olympic gymnastics routine as I felt myself falling. Had to love those awesome vampire reflexes that allowed him to adjust his own body to accommodate the sudden imbalance of my own.

Jacob phased quickly to add a snide comment. "Hey, we'd be happy to make a giant cradleboard for your little papoose!"

Okay, that's it. He's going down.

"Fine, I'll tell you what I was thinking. I think you wolves should perform Swan Lake for us in your cute little tutus," I taunted.

The sounds of snarls and growling filled the air, drowning out the chuckles.

"Good one, Bells!" Emmett cheered. "I can see it now. Horse sized wolves dancing around on their hind legs in frilly pink tutus! Awesome!"

Alice got a funny look on her face, one Jacob had already learned to recognize.

"Oh, no you don't, Alice Cullen! You can just forget it right now. There is no way in hell you will ever get me into something pink and frilly!"

Alice got an evil grin on her face, one that should have struck terror into Jacob's heart. I know it would mine if it were directed at me. She began searching the future.

"Oooohh! A challenge!" Rose smirked. "Don't you know the family motto? Don't bet against Alice. I wouldn't have challenged her like that if I were you. Now I can't wait to see you in something pink and frilly."

At Rose's remark, Jacob realized what he had done. The look of sheer horror and fear on his face was hilarious. He knew, sooner or later, he was going to meet his doom. Alice would continue searching the future until she knew what series of events she could put into place to prove that she could get him into something pink and frilly, and she would never forget. It could be ten, fifty, a hundred years, some day she would prove him wrong. Edward started laughing at whatever Jacob was thinking.

Alice grinned again. "You can run, but you can't hide, Jacob Black."

He blanched at her words. Obviously, he had been considering that option. Quil phased and shook his head sadly. "Really, Jacob, I thought you would have been smart enough to figure out by now—never tell Alice she can't do something. Even Jasper wouldn't dare do that."

Jasper barked out a laugh. "You're right! I'm not that stupid!"

Leah phased to put in her two cents worth. "You guys are all such wimps. Little Alice has you all wrapped around her little finger."

"And that's just the way I like it!" Alice laughed. "So don't ruin it for me, Leah."

Leah grinned. "Nah, I'm just taking lessons. You're my new role model."

"Hey!" Rose protested in amusement. "I thought I was your new role model."

Leah nodded solemnly. "Oh, you are, Rose, you are. After all, now that I'm a true bitch, I'm taking lessons from the best. After all, you've had decades to perfect the art."

Everyone froze for a second. Emmett let out a nervous titter. "Female dog, bitch, yeah, funny." All eyes were on Rose, waiting for her reaction.

"You have chosen wisely, my padawan," Rose intoned. "It is indeed an art, one few can truly master. One must be dedicated and spend many long hours practicing. The inclination or desire is not enough. Once must have inborn talent as well to become a Bitch deserving of a capital B. One must be in tune to the bitch energy of the universe, tapping into it, for your words and looks to have any real power. Are you certain of the path you have chosen? It is a long and arduous journey, fraught with violence and peril."

Leah bowed formally. "I shall study hard, your Bitchiness. I will keep my tongue to the grindstone to sharpen my rapier wit."

I couldn't hold it in any longer. My laughter broke the spell, and everyone started running again.

Rose smirked at Leah. "May the force be with you, young one, as you have much to learn."

Leah flicked a glance my way, a wicked glint in her eyes. "O' Wise One, I think we should allow Bella and Angela to participate in your lessons. Clearly they have neither talent nor inclination, but they are both much too nice for their own good. I believe they could both benefit from your teachings."

Rose grinned, but before she could respond, Edward did. "No way, forget it! I forbid it! I like Bella just the way she is, thank you very much!"

I wished I could see the expression on his face. Judging from everyone else's reaction, it must have been a sight to see. I met Rose's eyes, gleaming with laughter, then winked and nodded. Edward turned to look at me in astonishment. I immediately freaked, grabbing his head and trying to turn it to face forward again.

"Look where you're going! Are you trying to kill me?" I shrieked in panic. He rolled his eyes at me, but turned to face forward again.

"Did you just wink and nod at Rose?" he asked indignantly.

"Who me?" I responded innocently. Rats. I forgot he could see me through other people's eyes. So much for going behind his back. Time for distraction. We were almost home, so I only needed to buy myself a few more minutes. I knew once we got there, I could safely hide behind Esme's skirts, and Edward would be unable to fuss at me. "So Jacob, how do you like your new skirt?"

"It's not a skirt!" he shouted, growling at me. "And it's not a tutu!"

I laughed, enjoying my torment of him. I know, shame on me. But it was saving my tail feathers, so I wasn't about to stop.

"Well then, what is it?" I challenged.

"It's…uh…a…um," he stuttered, searching for a term he could accept.

"Kilt?" Carlisle suggested.

"Uniform?" Quil offered.

Jacob shook his head in frustration. Suddenly, his face lit up, and I knew he had an inspiration. "It's a loincloth."

"Man, Jacob! I thought you guys gave up wearing those hundreds of years ago!" Emmett teased.

"It's pure genius, that's what it is," Alice stated sternly. "My design is flawless, as usual. It doesn't shred or tear during transformation and allows comfortable movement of the tail. The elastic waist allows it to fit comfortably in either form, and the multiple flaps of fabric allow it to mold around the wolf form, while covering the necessary parts to allow for a bit of modesty in the human form. Quite brilliant, if I do say so myself."

"Actually, it reminds me of those Hawaiian things," Emmett responded. "You know, the grass skirts they wear. Oooohh! We should have a luau! Yeah! Watching werewolves perform a hula dance is almost as good as watching them dance ballet! Of course you wouldn't be able to juggle the flaming torches, unless you were in your human forms."

Laurent gulped and looked at Emmett like he belonged in a mental institution. "Do you really think having a bunch of werewolves juggle flaming torches around a bunch of vampires is a good idea, my friend?"

Emmett made his 'thinking' face. "Yeah, perhaps not. Especially if Bella is within fifty feet."

"Thanks, Emmett," I retorted sarcastically. Everyone had a chuckle at my expense, but I didn't really mind. My distraction plan was working well.

Alice clapped her hands excitedly. "A luau! I would love to put one together!"

"Uh, oh," Edward moaned. "Now look what you've done."

"We could play limbo," Jasper suggested, smiling indulgently at his wife. "I wonder who would win at that game."

"Not me!" I cheerfully replied while the rest were considering it. Everyone laughingly agreed.

"Yeah," Jacob added with a smirk. "We want Carlisle to be able to enjoy the party too. With you around, he's always on duty. Good thing the dude doesn't need to sleep."

Carlisle grabbed one of my hands and kissed the back of it like a gentleman. I clutched Edward tighter with the other hand, slightly frightened to be going so fast and only holding on with one arm. Carlisle released my hand, and I relaxed.

"While I sincerely would prefer if you did not need my services, my dear," Carlisle responded. "I am always honored to be there for you when you need me."

I blushed and smiled lovingly at him. He was such a good, caring father. "Thanks, Carlisle."

"Yeah, at least life's not boring anymore. Never a dull moment with Bellie around!" Emmett boomed.

"Ain't that the truth!" Jasper declared, grinning back at me.

"You've got to give the girl credit," Rose snickered. "She's performed a miracle. She's actually made it bearable to live with Edward. I'm sure Jasper's thankful, which means Alice is too."

"Yeah, I don't have to go around feeling like I live under a dark cloud of despair anymore, wallowing in loneliness, envy, and self-pity," Jasper agreed.

"I wasn't like that!" Edward protested. "I was happy enough when I didn't know what I was missing."

The family all snorted in disbelief.

"He says to the empath," Jasper countered, rolling his eyes.

We had finally made it back to the house.