Zain's POV

I could still hear the rain dripping down the leaves. I coiled up in my warm blanket. I reached out for her at the other end of the bed, but she wasn't there.

Again it was a dream.

When someone you once loved dies, you remember things.

It's been a year and a half but everything seems so fresh. It was a beautiful dream, turned into an endless nightmare. She was my source of strength back then, unfortunately she's my weakness now. I gave her my love but she broke my heart, she left me halfway.

She never asked anything more than, what I can't give. I really did tried my best to be the best husband. We were not the type of PDA couple but we really showed our love and affection with each other. I remember a weekend party in someone's basement. We kissed for what seems like an eternity now. Adults don't make out like that. Who has the time? But time was all we had back then.

How can I forget spending five hours in the car on a cold winter night, listening to the radio and talking about life the way only teenagers could, about the ways of the world and the interconnectedness of it all. The sky was bright with moonlight and the silhouette of leafless trees led the conversation. It was all connected. The naked trees and conversations, had the answers to it all.

I literally grew into myself with this girl who was once a child with me. I grew up with her, not in the typical sense of growing up, not the usual way people use that phrase. But I grew into myself - my very young self - with her over the years.

I remember driving home with her once, it was Hani's birthday. Our flight had landed late and she wanted to surprise Hani, she wanted to be the first person to wish her. Distance was all that mattered. Hareem wasn't stopping for anything, she had ordered the driver to go back home and not to say a word to anyone as she wanted to drive that night. She sure as hell wasn't taking her foot of the gas for a little rain.

My eyes stayed glued to the GPS display tracking our position while the world passed in a blur of red and white lights. The hiss of the tyres over the smooth tarmac was lost under the pounding bass of her preferred get-away music. Hareem leant over to turn it up. In that instant she lost the opportunity to evade a newly broken-down car without it's lights off. Even if she'd been paying attention she would have been hard pressed to make the manoeuvre. As it was she barely had time to scream before the air bags knocked her back and sideways.

The car tumbled over and over into the central barrier before coming to an absolute stop. Silence; it scared me more than the pain. Shouldn't Hareem be moaning or calling out? I turned to look at her, she tried to move but she was pinned by the collapsing roof and the steering column. Her neck was too fragile to move...

The car had flipped so many times that Hareem had become disorientated before she even sustained the concussion that had her drifting in and out of consciousness. I was fleetingly aware of the bloody taste in my mouth but I tried to hold her up. At times her eyelids fluttered. The pain was too much to bare, the last thing I heard was the sound of sirens.

It was a miracle that I survived the accident but the doctors have given only seventy-two hours to Hareem. They had clearly said she won't be able to survive because of her head injury and the fact that her internal bleeding was making it worse for her.

While she was pregnant with Adeel, the doctor had very well told us about the complications that she'll had to face. Hareem was really weak from inside and to carry a child for nine months was a huge risk for her. The doctor had literally warned her to not carry on with the pregnancy but Hareem being Hareem didn't listen to anyone and she decided to have Adeel.

After Adeel's birth, her internal bleeding kept on increasing...every month she use to bleed which kind of increased to days. The doctor then said that it was turning into a tumor but she said that it's not necessary that the operation will be sucessful. No one knew about all these things except both of us. Hareem made me swear on our relationship that I'm not gonna utter a single word to anyone also.

The day she was operated, it was really difficult for me to take care of Adeel and be with Hareem at the same time. I still remember very well that, that day Hani called me so many times. She kept on annoying me and it took all my control to not lash out on her. But what surprised me was the fact, that after talking nonsense for so long, she asked me that "What was bothering me so much?" I knew very well that I can't disclose anything to her but it didn't stopped me from wondering that how come she knew me so well?

As the doctor had expected, the operation didn't go that well and not only that their was even a risk that infection might even spread. It took her year to heal properly and when we thought that everything's gonna be alright, the accident happened. Allahamdulilah that Adeel was not with us in the car, he was with Mom and Dad who were coming from the next flight. Actually we all were suppose to come together but Hareem's wish was to wish Hanya the first, so we came here by our private jet two hours before while Mom and Dad's flight was after five hours.

It pained me to see her lying on her death bed. Just before she left me for forever she made a promise that Hani should never come to know about her accident because if she would come to know, Hanya will be a lifeless soul. This is why all she knows is due to some reason the car crashed head on head.

She was caring and funny. I loved her, I really did. I loved her for being the person I first learned the initial workings of my body with. I loved her for igniting the confidence within me. And I loved her for her loyalty.

We both pushed each other to be good in everything. Until that night when she said she won't be able to keep the promise, she can't continue us. My world felled apart for a moment, I just left the room and cried.When I came back to visit her again in the hospital, I saw her but everything seems to be different and it seemed as if she was somebody that I used to know. And at that moment I realized that I have to be a better person for her, for Adeel and for myself.

We spoke of many things over the years. But mostly, we spoke like we had time. Little did I know---

Months later after she left us, I realized, I can't live without her, I can't move on. I tried to be a mother for Adeel but my fairy tale life was incomplete without her. I continued to be in denial but what should I do? I was in love with her.

Until one day, I just woke up and realized that I don't deserved this. I decided to end all of this, I was mentally tired. Sometimes I asked myself how come a beautiful something turned into bad.

Months passed and I finally said my goodbye to Hareem by marrying Hanya. I couldn't thank Hanya enough for interwining her fate with ours.

If someone asks me, if I still love her? I can't say "no" and I can't say "yes". Maybe I was still into her.

I'm grateful that I had the chance to tell her that I had really loved her, even if it was in the only way I could. I'm grateful that she understood me, even if she liked to joke about what a mess I was. I'm grateful that she found her way into so many of my life chapters, however unplanned that was. And I'm so sad that she won't be there for the next ones.

But mostly, I'm grateful that I'm among hundreds of people who have a story or a shared memory they can tell about this girl who was never tamed, always vibrant, and gone far too soon. I hope she lives on in all those stories, and I hope that they will be proudly told. For her.

But now I have a new world, my family which depends on me and I should focus on it. My once dream fairy tale wedding was a happily ever after but it turned out to be a once upon a time. And at first I had regrets but now when I look at Hanya, I feel alive, Alive again.

But what worry me more is about Hani's health. I can't afford to lose her.

I forced my eyes open as I looked at Hani's room. Her blanket was touching the granite floor. Her feminine smell still lingered on her pillow. I let it pass through my nostrils and stimulate my brain.

She came out of the bathroom, with a towel holding back her wet hair. Her smell was intense now, plus she looked stunning in a plain white kurti and blue denim. She saw me staring at her.

I had the urge to kiss her, but I dismissed that horrible thought right away. I smiled at her and went back to freshen up. Once I was back, the room looked neat and the blankets were folded and kept at the end of the bed.

She was drying her hair. I hugged Adeel and kissed him. He laughed.

"So are we going back today?" I asked her.

"I'm all ready" She said without looking at me.

I looked at her pretty face. 'She is more than pretty', my mind corrected me for the thousandth time.

While I was putting on my white shirt and blue denim, she packed our luggage bags separately. By the time I had my shoes on, she was ready. She looked adorable.

I suggested that we should have breakfast from the same restaurant where we took the first day we arrived, and she nodded. We had bread and a double omelette each. She wiped off a bread crumb from the side of my mouth. I gaped at her and she carried on feeding Adeel as if nothing happened.

The security had our luggage loaded in the car. I gave him a handsome tip and he smiled in gratitude. I drove away from him with her.

"Do you want to buy something?" I asked her.

"No, I don't need anything." She said.

"Okay" I fell silent.

She looked outside and enjoyed the view. There was silence in the car.

"It was a very nice holiday. I enjoyed with you." I said, in an attempt to get her talking.

"Thank you" She said and threw a glance at me from the corner of her eye.

She carefully pulled out one tissue from the box and wiped her face gently.

"Are you Okay?"

"Yes"

After we boarded the flight, Hanya took the window seat while Adeel sat on my lap. I sat beside Hanya, but it didn't made any effort. I know she was hurt, but I can't help it. I don't want to see her hurt, but I can't even lie to her. I'm a mess right now!!!

I looked at her and she looked away. As if I did not exist.

She had not changed much since we first met seven years ago. Both, in outward appearance and the person she is. Those warm eyes were as attractive today as ever. It is just that the warmth did not get expressed in little deeds and actions like it used to. It seemed she was holding back her real self and all that I was presented with was this girl who sat beside me now. And this is not the Hanya I met, feand married!

Wait did I just said fell in love??????? What is wrong with me??

"What is it that you want to talk?" she asked, staring at him.

"About our married life" he said.

"What about it?" she cut in.

"You have an enviable house, chauffeur, car, Adeel and excellent living standard. What is it that is missing Hanya? Why aren't you happy? Is it because this is not the life you imagined it to be?" he said.

"That's not why I married you!" she replied with a hint of anger in her voice. "Love is missing. Companionship is missing." she added. I kept silent and she looked out of the window.The sudden quiet was uncomfortable; like the silent space bounded by clanging of swords.

"Love is not missing. It is just that its definition has changed" I said in a composed tone.

I know she had expected such an answer. And yet it was infuriating. It is just one of those trap sentences which are put into a discussion to delay the arrival of truth. And I have already knew, it would be difficult for her to go around these polished but untrue arguments.

"Is no expression of love an acceptable form of expression?" she asked, regaining some confidence.

I noticed the change, shifted my legs, and looked into her eyes.

"I care for you above all else. And I slog fourteen hours a day so that you and Adeel can have all possible comforts of life" I said.

"Yet love is missing and for me that is the essential comfort. I am ready to bargain some material comforts for more of your time" she said. "Your care is expressed only in the stuff you buy for us?" she asked "What about time, words? Forget about intimacy what about simple gestures and expressing love in as many words" she stated, the anger returning.

"You sound like an eighteen year old teen." I replied.

"So?" she retorted.

"So, grow up and understand the difference between age groups" I replied with a touch of sarcasm. I was now irritated.

"From what I know, the form of expression can change but expression itself cannot disappear. While a child needs to be held against your chest, hugged, and kissed. An adult needs support, warmth, space, respect. Look at successful marriages. Invariably you will find the couple indulging in small gestures as frequently asking for advice on both trivial and critical issues. Sharing their dreams, aspirations, struggles. Asking for opinion. Showing respect. Never being rude. Never shouting." She said all in one breath.

"You mean to say I don't do that," I asked, I was genuinely surprised.

"Do you?" she replied.

"This is how all marriages are. You have no idea of reality." I quipped.

"And I have no idea why we are having this discussion" she shrugged.
"You know what? I'm tired of all this Zain, I knew what I was doing when I was getting married to you, falling in love with you wasn't in the list, but I did fell for you. I know it's my mistake. And since I am feeling increasingly suffocated in this relationship, the only way I can continue is if we work on this together. Otherwise I think we should call it quits," Hanya said. Surprising herself with that statement.

I looked at her, for the first time feeling threatened and not just irritated. The idea of losing her had never occurred to me. Was it because I took her for granted? This thought only made me uncomfortable. How can I be like that? I've considered myself a loving person and that is what people around me say. Then why is my wife feeling otherwise?

I saw a woman completely in love with me. Ready to forsake all she had for my companionship. And this made me feel guilty for the crossroad our relationship had reached. Falling in love wasn't suppose to happen but it did. Hurting her wasn't suppose to happen but it did. Is it just because I'm in denial or is it because I'm scared to fall in love again?

"I wish it was better then what it is now!!" I sighed. She was looking at me.

"I love you" she said and let go of the tears she had been holding back for so long.

I kept silent. I had no clue what to do or say. I wish I could just hugged her.

Little did he know that she wished that he hugged her.

"Zain, I know this is not how it was supposed to go...I'm sorry, I couldn't stop myself from loving you. Falling in love with you was not planned. We were supposed to be friends, just you and me and nothing in between. But our stars aligned and a great force pulled us together. I would never forget the way your face rested on my dry hands. Holding your soft pale face gave me a sense that I finally belonged, that I was loved. Your glistening cerulean eyes had a power of washing away my sorrows. You made me fall in love with you, Zain. It was you who broke all the barriers and entered into my heart.

I know I can never get love in return from you and I don't want you to love me but just move on Zain, it's high time now. Please!!" Her words mixing with the sobs, with that she went inside our mini bedroom.

What she's not understanding is that in my life I have ever fallen in love was once. I had only ever been with Hareem, gave my heart, body and soul. Though she was precious to me, and brought joy in my life but she did bought pain too.

I need more time to sort my feelings out. Allahamdulilah we landed safely. My driver was already waiting for us and in no time we were on the road.

"Do you know what depression is?" she questioned me as we pull up to the curb of my house.

"It is the feeling of loss of hope, courage, and whatever." I replied in a small voice.

"No. Depression is the unseen, unheard, silent killer. It is the pain that is too much to cope with, too hard to deal with and never understood. It is something that you can't escape, no matter how hard you try, it ALWAYS swallows you again. It constantly follows you around, like black smoke choking you from the inside out. Like a lion clawing at your heart and mind, eating pieces of you until there is nothing left."

And I had nothing more to say...

***

Assalamualaikum my beautiful readers. How are you all? How was Ramadan?

Taqabbal Allahu Minna Wa Minkum

Eid Mubarak...

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