Love

Exhausted from the day's happenings, I collapsed onto my bed.  Saglit akong pumikit habang dinama ang lambot ng kama ko. The confrontation with Mama replayed in my mind, sending chills down my spine. Bumuntong hininga akong umupo. Nang ma realized kong naka sout pa pala ako ng gown, pagod akong tumayo para hubarin ang bridesmaid gown na sout.

Naibaba ko na ang zipper at akmang huhubarin ko na ito nang biglang umingay ang cellphone kong itinapon ko kanina sa higaan. Glancing at the screen, I saw Andrew's name flashing. I hesitated for a moment before deciding to let the call go unanswered. Hindi naman ito umilit nang hindi ko sinagot. I With another sigh, itinuloy ko ang paghubad ng gown para makaligo na sa banyo.

Pagkatapos kong maligo at mag blow dry, naka harap ako sa vanity mirror habang nakatitig sa sariling repleksyon sa salamin. Ano na kayang ginagawa ni Zul ngayon? Nilingon ko ang cellphone na nanlamig ma rin. Tawag ko kaya siya? But before I could make up my mind, my phone rang again. Hindi ko na sana dadamputin ang cellphone but the thought that Zul's calling, kaagad kong dinampot iyon.

Pagka kita ko, tama nga ako, It was Zul. Bago ako bumaba kanina ay hiningi niya ang number ko. I bit my lower lip, my heart pounding as I set down my hairbrush and answer up the phone.

"H-Hello?" sagot ko, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Where are you? Are you home?" Zul's voice was gentle, filled with concern.

Kahit hindi naman niya ako makikita ay tumango ako. Nilingon ko ulit ang repleksyon sa salamin.  I slowly nodded.

"Y-Yes..." I responded, my voice was slightly shaky.

Despite the chaos of this day, hearing Zul's voice brought a sense of comfort, reminding me that I wasn't alone in my struggles. Finally...hindi na ako nag-iisa at hindi na rin siya magiging mag-isa.

Saglit na katahimikan ang pumagitna sa amin bago siya nagsalita muli.

"May lakad ba ang Mama mo bukas?" he asked primly.

I pressed my lips and crawl on the top of my bed. "H-Hindi ako sure pero parang wala yata..."

Nakahiga na ako ngayon sa kama at hinayaan ang buhok na sumabog sa higaan. I could even hear the rustling sound of Zul pulling a blanket over himself before he spoke again. "I want to come to your house tomorrow and talk to your mother formally."

Natigilan amko. A wave of anxiety washed over me. My mind racing with thoughts of what this could mean. Despite my apprehension, I knew this is a necessary step.

Wala sa sarili akong napatango. "W-What time?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Pagkatapos kong mag report sa kampo. Baka after lunch."

"O-Oay...see you then."

"Hmm."

I felt a knot in my stomach. Hindi ako sigurado sa magiging reaksyon ni Mama lalo na at parang hindi pa niya gustong makita si Zul. Iyon ang pagkakaintindi ko sa kanya.

"G-Good night..." I managed to say.

"Hmm, good night," he replied. Akala ko binaba na niya ang tawag. Tiningnan ko ang cellphone, naka on call pa pala. Tumikhim ako sabay yakap sa isang unan ko.

"I love you, Riri..." he whispered.

His words sent a warm feeling coursing through me, temporarily easing my worries. "I-I love you, too..." I whispered back.

"Matulog na tayo, alam kong pagod ka..."

Humigpit ang pagkakayakap ko sa unan. Hindi ko alam pero biglang bumigat ang dibdib ko kasabay ang pamumuo ng mga luha sa mga mata ko. Hindi, Zul. Alam kong mas pagod ka.

Wala sa sariling napatitig ako sa bracelet na nakapatong sa bed side table. Katabi nito ay ang picture frame namin ni Raki at mini alarm clock ko.

Siguro kung tatanungin ako ng Dios kung bakit siya...sa lahat. Kung bakit siya ang nais kong makasama sa magulong mundong 'to---sa magulong buhay ko, it's because the kind of peace that he's been giving me...consistently---walang palya.

Tahimik akong  nag d-drive papunta sa DA nang bigla ring nagka traffic. Bumuntong hininga ako sabay sipat sa relo ko. Malapit na akong ma late. Pagkalingon ko sa kaliwa, my gaze drifted to a flower shop on the side of the road, its has a vibrant display of flowers catching my attention. Parang bagong bukas ito...o nakalimutan ko na. Siguro alam na ni Mama ang shop na ito panigurado.

Luminga ako muli sa buong kalsada, grabe ang traffic pa. Nilingon ko ulit ang flower. Saglit pa akong napatitig doon bago ako nakapag desisyon na bumaba muna.

Bago ako pumasok, binasa ko ang pangalan  ng shop. "Paculba Flower Shop". The shop was filled with beautiful and fresh flowers that even the fragrant scent of flowers when I stepped in  filled the air.

"Can I help you find something, Ma'am?" a staff member approached me breaking me from my thoughts.

I felt a bit unsure as I asked, "Is there any flower that I could possibly give to a...man?" tanong ko sa napakaliit na boses.

Bigla nalang talagang sumagi sa utak ko na bigyan ni Zul ng bulaklak. I hope Zul never think that I underestimate his masculunity. I hope he wouldn't  felt dismay by recieving flowers from me.

The staff member looked surprised, blinking a few times before responding. "This is our first time having a customer asking a flowers for a...man," she admitted, a hint of amusement in her voice.

Nagkatinginan sa amin ang ibang customer at ibang staffs. Feeling a bit shy, I couldn't help but blush. Pero kaagad din naman akong inalo ng staff---quickly reassuring me.

"This is our first time to cater such a request, but we will do our best to match flowers for your man!"

I smiled and nodded, appreciating their willingness to help. I followed the staff member around the shop, listening attentively as she introduced me to the different flowers on display. Sobrang gaganda. Lahat na mga bulaklak na nakikita ko ay parang nakangiti silang lahat sa akin.

My brows creased when suddenly my eyes landed on a particular flower, it has a unique beauty and it's captivating me. Ang ganda!

"Anong pangalan nitong bulaklak, Miss? Parang ngayon pa lang ako naka kita ng ganitong bulaklak," I asked. Hindi ko talaga matanggal ang mga mata ko sa bulaklak.

"Ah, yes, this is a rare flower we have in stock. This is a blue hydrangea," the staff member explained.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango---unable to take my eyes off the flower. Wala sa sariling napangiti ako. It reminded me of Zul like how I always sought his presence when he wasn't around. The similarity was striking. Grabe, ang lala ko na talaga.

"I'll take this. Then mix it with white roses," baling ko sa florist.

May malawak naman na ngiti itong tumango sa akin.

"Normal size lang po ba, Ma'am?"

I shook my head. "A large bouquet for my man," I finally decided, as a smile playing on my lips. I could already imagine Zul's surprised expression when he receive the bouquet, and the thought he will hug me with a tears of his eyes warmed my heart more. My big baby.

Habang maingat na inaayos ng florist ang mga bulaklak para kay Zul ay hindi ko mapigilang hindi maging emotional. Zul is the type of flower that rare, wild, and raw---that in one glance, you thought he is just plain because of its appearance. Maybe with thorns but when you touch it, he feels like feather and can give you peace and balance.

Sobrang bilis ng oras. Hindi ko na rin napansin ang oras dahil sa dami ng ginagawa ko at daretsahan na. From analyzing datas, to researching agricultural technology, consumer trends and more. Hindi ako nakaramdaman ng pagod lalo na at iniisip kong baka mamaya ay tatawag na si Zul para magpunta na sa bahay.

Iyong bouquet din na ipinagawa ko kanina, may free dilevery pala 'yon kaya pinadala ko nalang sa kampo nila. Gustohin ko man na ako iyong maghatid doon sa kampo nila ay parang sumosobra na yata ako. Isa pa, parang ang OA na kung ganoon. First time kong gawin sa kan'ya 'yon and never had I ever think na gagawin ko ang magbigay ng bulaklak para sa lalaki.

Hindi na rin tumawag si Andrew. Kakausapin ko nalang siguro siya personally once he go back here. I nedded to focus to what me and Zul problem. Alam kong pagkatapos nitong usapan namin ni Mama, may pamilya pa niyang kailangan naming harapin.

I gulped. Saglit akong napatang habang nakatitig sa kawalan. Kamusta na kaya si Tita Sittie? I missed her so much as well. Can't believe I forgot her. Sigurado akong nasabi na ni Zul ang nangyari sa akin noon. Sana kapag maliwanag at tahimik na, puwede ko na siya bisitahin at kamustahin.

Na sa kalagitnaan ako sa pag-iisip nang biglang nag vibrate ang cellphone ko. It was Zul's text. Tumayo ako at inayos ang basic top na sout. I opened his message and read it. Nang mabasa ko ang mensahe niya ay nanlaki ang mga mata ko.

Zul

Nandito na ako sa bahay ninyo at hinihintay ka. Your mother is here.

My heart pounded as I read the message from Zul. He was already at our house, waiting for me?! Dios ko! Akala ko na sa kampo pa ito at sabay kaming magtungo sa bahay!

I quickly gathered my belongings and rushed out of my office. May narinig pa akong mga boses na tumatawag sa akin siguro nagtataka sa pagmamadali ko but I just waved my hand as a response. I had no time to explain; I needed to get home!

My hand trembled slightly as I unlocked my car and slid into the driver's seat. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves as I started the engine and pulled out of the parking lot.

Zul, bakit hindi mo muna ako hinintay? I pressed my lips as I impatiently drive my car. Kung hindi pa ako nag-iisip na kagagaling ko pa sa disgrasya ay pinapatakbo ko na ng mabilis itong sasakyan. Damn!

Baka pinapagalitan na ni Mama si Zul, or worst pinapauwi! I shook my thoughts off. Calm down, Riri.

Pagkarating ko sa labas ng bahay, I spotted Zul's Jeep Wrangler parked outside. I felt a knot in my stomach; my mind racing with thoughts of what was about to happen. So, hindi siya pinapaalis ni Mama dahil nandito pa ang Jeep Wrangler niya.

Naglakad ako palapit sa sasakyan. As I got closer, I noticed that the window of the Jeep was open, and inside, the bouquet of flowers I had given to Zul. It was sitting prettily in the passenger seat looking like a princess and the vibrant colors standing out against the rugged interior of the Jeep. A small smile crept to my face, easing my nervousness slightly.

Pagkapasok ko sa bahay, unang hinanap ng mga mata ko ay si Zul. Ang kabang naramdaman ko ay unti-unting nawala nang makita kong tahimik lang itong naka upo sa couch habang si Mama naman  was sitting on the couch across from him, engrossed in a magazine as if  Zul's presence wasn't bothering him. Naka dekwatro pa ito.

"Mama..." I called out softly, my voice echoing in the silent room.

At the sound of my voice, both Zul and Mama turned to look at me. Mama put down the magazine and glanced Zul before she looked at me again. Tumikhim ako.

Tumayo si Zul para salubingin ako. And without any hesitation, he kissed my templed, pulled my closer and caressed my right elbow. Kaagad ko namang nilingon si Mama habang kinakabahan. Pinagtaasan niya lang ako ng kilay.

"Kumain ka na?" Zul asked casually as if we aren't standing infront of my mother!

"O-Oo..." sagot ko nalang kahit hindi pa. Wala rin akong ganang kumain because this is what I craved for. Ang makausap namin si Mama.

"Good."

The room was filled with a tense silence, the anticipation hanging heavy in the air. This was the moment I had been dreading, pero alam kong ito ang nararapat na gagawin. Wala kaming mapapala kung takas lang kami nang takas.

My eyes glued to Mama when she stood up. Humarap siya sa amin as she crossed her arms. She looked at us coldly. Naka sout si Mama ng simple long sleeve na puting polo for lady at pink na trousers. Naka ipit rin sa kaliwang tainga niya ang maikling buhok na halos ilalim ng tainga ang haba. She even wore her reading glasses that makes her more beautifully intimidating with her white stilettos on.

The room fell into a tense silence as Mama confronted Zul, her voice filled with skepticism and coldness. "What's your plan, Rabbani?" she asked, her eyes fixed on him.

I opened my mouth to respond, but Zul gently gestured for me to stay quiet.  Kabado kong inilipat-lipat ang tingin sa kanilang dalawa.

Zul took a deep breath, his voice steady and calm. "Papakasalan ko po ang anak ninyo, Ma'am," he replied, his eyes never leaving Mama's eyes.

I swallowed hard when Mama smirked of what Zul just said. Nandoon pa rin ang tingin niyang kasing lamig ng yelo. The look of disbelief crossed to her face.

"Marry my daughter? You are a Muslim, she's a Christian. How would that work?" she questioned, her tone laced with doubt and uncertainty.

My heart raced more. Kagat labi kong pinisil-pisil ang mga daliri. My mind filled with a whirlwind of emotions. I didn't know how to respond o kung ako ba ang sasagot kay Mama. But I am afraid that Mama will just make me shut up.

Nilingon ako ni Zul. When our eyes met, I saw a sense of calmness and respect in his gaze. Hindi ako nakakita ng pagkakabahala at pagkakakaba sa kanya. It's like he's been ready ever since for this confrontation.

Zul took a step forward, his voice unwavering. "Our Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) got married to a non-Muslim woman, Ma'am," he explained, his words carrying a sense of conviction. "A proof that an indifferences isn't hindrance to marry a Christian."

My mother's eyebrows furrowed, clearly not convinced. "Just because your Prophet married a non-Muslim, you think you can do the same?" she questioned, her voice tinged with skepticism.

"May rason naman siguro ang Propeta ninyo. Ikaw, ano ba ang rason mo?"

Tumikhim ako to ease nervousness. Saglit lang akong pinasadahan ni Mama ng tingin bago niya ibinalik kay Zul ang mga mata.

Zul's gaze remained steady to Mama as he responded, "I love your daughter, Ma'am. My love for her goes beyond religious boundaries."

Mama shook her head lightly and let a loud sigh with a mix of frustration and pain evident in her expression

"Your father loved me too, in our days but he left. He ruined me. A proof that love alone isn't enough to marry someone---to marry my daughter."

"M-Mama..." I finally found my voice.

Zul's eyes softened as he spoke, his voice filled with determination. "Alam ko po ang nangyari noon. And he was too obedient while I am not. He was afraid of disappointments while I am not. He was afraid to get judge while I am not," he stated firmly, his words carrying a sense of assurance and strength.

"You are still his son. Imposibleng hindi ka magagaya sa kanya. Your blood is his," giit pa rin ni Mama.

I wonder how badly hurt she was before Papa came to rescue and heal her. Bumigat ang pakiramdam ko habang may namumuo nang luha sa aking mga mata. I understand Mama and her feelings are very valid. Natatakot lang din siyang baka matulad ako sa kanya noon.

"Iba ang pagmamahal ni Papa sa 'yo noon at sa pagmamahal ko kay Dorothy ngayon. Kaakibat ng pagmamahal ni Papa sa 'yo noon ay takot at pagkakabahala, sa akin ay seguridad at determinasyon. Pasensya na po but I refused to acknowledge that me and my father are the same, Ma'am."

Hindi ko na napigilan ang mga luha nang tuluyan na itong nagsipatakan. When Mama's eyes turned to me, I smiled and slowly nodded. Yes, Mama. He loved me so much.

The room fell into a heavy silence as Mama processed Zul's words. The weight of the decision hung in the air, and I could feel the tension building. I held my  breath, waiting for Mama's response, unsure of what the future held for me and Zul.

"Your world is too cruel for my daughter and so your family," Mama bluntly said. "Especially your mother."

"As long as she's with me, I wouldn't allow any cruelty from them."

"Nag-iisang pamilya ko nalang si Dorothy, I would never allow someone to take her away from me."

"I will not take her away from you, Ma'am. I am here to ask permission from you to be with your daughter."

"She's my everything," Mama's voice softened a bit.

"She's my world," said Zul.

"Hindi kita mapapatawad kahit kailan kapag masasaktan siya dahil sa inyo."

"Mananagot sa akin ang sino mang mananakit sa kan'ya," Zul said breathily.

Nagtagal saglit ang titig ni Mama kay Zul while Zul remained silent and ready to answer Mama with all his might. I pressed my lips as I felt that I couldn't breath properly.

"What if she will not convert into Muslim and turn her religion to Islam?"

"M-Mama..." I butt in.

"Hindi ikaw ang kinakausap ko, Dorothy Maeve," ani Mama nakapagpatahimik sa akin.

"P-Pero ako lang din po ang makakasagot sa tanong mo at hindi si Zul," I bravely uttered. "Mama, alam ko na aware kang hindi ako relihiyosa. Minsan kapag sa misa ay natutulog ako or even getting bored. Mas ganado lang magsimba kapag simbang gabi lang o may occasion and I find it disingenuous."

"Riri..." Zul called me like a whisper.

"But when I dive into their religion, I found peace. Hindi ko need magsimba kung kailan may occasion o every first or second mass of the Sunday dahil tinamad ako. Sa relihiyon nila, wala akong naririnig na magbubulungan tuwing magsisimba, nagtatawanan sa loob ng simbahan dahil may nakita silang cute o gwapo," I paused and held Zul's hands.

"Sa relihiyon nila ako napapanatag, Mama. I can focus of what I prayed to God. Walang distraction habang nagdadasal ako. Pintig ng puso ko lang ang naririnig ko habang naka pikit at hindi ibang mga boses na naghahagikhikan. Hindi dahil gusto ko na noon si Zul kaya ako na willy sa relihiyon nila. Naging mas nagustohan ko siya nang ma realized kong gusto kong maging Muslim dahil sa payapang ibinigay ng relihiyon nila...sa akin."

Mama eyes watered as she looked at me.

"M-Mama, this my truth now, my faith, and beliefs. Matagal na...pasensya na k-kung hindi ko sinabi sa 'yo," hikbi ko. "M-Magagalit ka ba sa akin kung sasabihin kong I want to convert myself into Muslim and turned my religion into Islam?" may bahid na takot kong tanong kay Mama. My voice even trembled when I said those.

Humigpit ang pagkakahawak ni Zul sa kamay ko. Saglit kaming ganoon at unti-unti kong binitawan ang kamay ni Zul sabay lapit kay Mama.

My heart raced as I waited for Mama's response. I had finally mustered the courage to confess my desire to convert to Islam, but the uncertainty hung heavy in the air.

Mama face softened, her eyes filled with a mix of surprise, concern, and love. She reached out and gently cupped My face, wiping away the tears that streamed down my cheeks.

"A-Anak, you don't have to apologize for not telling me sooner," Mama said, her voice filled with tenderness. "I may not fully understand, but your happiness and finding your truth are what matter most to me," she said and smiled with a trembling lips. Isa-isa na ring nagsipatakan ang mga luha ni Mama.

My tears continued to flow as well---a mixture of relief and gratitude. I smiled and  took a deep breath, my voice still shaky but filled with determination.

"H-Hindi ka galit?" I asked, my voice laced with fear.

Mama's eyes softened even more, and pulled me into a tight embrace.

"Baby, I could never be angry with you for following your heart and seeking your own path," she whispered, her voice filled with unwavering love. "It's your way of living your own life, bakit ako magagalit?"

My shoulders relaxed as I felt the weight of my fear and uncertainty lift. I had expected resistance or confusion, but Mama's response was beyond my wildest dreams. Totoo ba 'to?

"M-Maama, I love you so much," I choked out, my voice filled with gratitude and relief. "S-Salamat sa pagtanggap sa akin...ulit."

Mama held me even tighter as our hearts beating in sync "Mahal na mahal din kita, anak. And what do you mean I accepting you again? I am---sa simula pa lang. Pasensya na rin kung nadamay kita," she whispered, her voice filled with warmth and affection.

"Lagi mong tatandaan, I will be here for you every step of the way."

I bit my lower lip and nodded. I knew that I was not alone. With Mama's love and support,I felt empowered to embrace my new faith and embark on my journey as a Muslim. With Zu, I know it will be much easier...together.

Nang maghiwalay kami ni Mama mula sa pagkakayakap, Mama turned to Zul. Dahan-dahang naglakad si Mama kay Zul at niyakap din ito. I smiled. Zul looked shocked. But when he saw me crying again by seeing like that in their position, her eyes turned red and about to cry as well. She hugged Mama back.

"Don't disappoint me, Zul," Mama said.

"I-I wont," Zul replied with a choked voice as if he was already crying hard.

"Maraming salamat po," Zul mumbled.

Lumapit ako sa kanila nang maghiwalay na sila mula sa pagkakayakap. Zul's eyes has an unsehd teard that he didn't bothered to wipe it off. Hinawakan ko ang braso niya at mas idinikit ang sarili.

"Mahal na mahal kita," bulong ko sa kanya.

Without looking at me, he pulled me again for a hug and cried more. Nakatingala ako habang isiniksik ni Zul ang ulo sa leeg ko. Mama and I chuckled. Hinimas naman ni Mama ang likod ni Zul para patahanin na sa pag-iyak.

"So, kailan kayo mamamanhikan? Kailan ako haharapin ni Aqil at Farah?"

Umayos sa pagkakatayo si Zul sabay hilot sa mga mata. I couldn't take my eyes off at him---just staring at the love of my life, showing his sensitivity, vulnerability...mahal na mahal ko talaga ang lalaking ito. And thinking in any moment that he'll be my husband, naninindig ang balahibo ko.

Marrying him is like a dream come true. A dream that only privilege people can have man like him possible, and not an ordinady  Christian woman like me.

"Bukas po..."