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CHAPTER 19 | burden of guilt

📎A/N. Hello my lovelies and welcome to the weekend! For those of you doing nanno during November, good luck... You are over the worst of it now and on the home straight...

For those of you who are not aware, I have set up an author website where I will be posting author interviews, updates on how things are going with the Masked world and the next story Evolution. Sign up for my newsletters and you can be kept up to date on my plans for world domination ;-) The url is http://www.mnjgreenhill.com 

Take care,

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As they reached the doors that led to the gym, Sydney began to have second thoughts about what she was about to do. Once she walked through to the other side, there would be no turning back. No amount of wishing would make things that much less real. Sydney steeled herself. This was something she needed to do.

The automatic doors swished open effortlessly and before she knew it, she was passed the point of no return. The first thing she noticed was the place smelt like a typical gym, sweat combined with deodorant. The second was the range of exercise equipment. Some she recognised, many she didn't. She scanned the room and noticed the place already half-full. Physiotherapists were working with patients, encouraging and cajoling them on. Unlike the standard gym configuration she was used to, this one had ample room between the equipment to allow for wheelchair access.

Sydney perused the sea of faces and was struck by the determined expressions on many of the patients as they were pushed and encouraged to take one more step, lift one more time, or push again. This was followed quickly by luminous glows of happiness as they achieved their once impossible target.

Burnie interrupted her observation. "Ah, there he is now," he said as he left her side.

She swung her head in the direction he was heading. Her breath caught as an obviously once virile man was wheeled into the gym through a second entrance. Beneath the gaunt face and fragile body, there was no doubt this was Ethan MacMaster's brother. His grey eyes, while not as steely, were a replica of the ones she found hard to evict from her mind. Their similar features were also a dead giveaway as to their connection. Again, due to his traumatic past, Walter was a shadow compared to Ethan. But if you looked beyond the exterior to the one that existed before the accident, the elder MacMaster was just as striking, if not more.

Bernie thanked the orderly and crouched down beside Walter's wheelchair. "So how's things going today Buddy?"

At the question, Walter's face broke into a broad grin. "G-g-g-good, we pl-pl-played ball."

"And did your team win?"

If possible, Walter's grin erupted into a delighted glow and was even wider as he nodded profusely.

"Good on ya!" Bernie exclaimed as he held up a hand in front of Walter.

Walter completed the high five and slapped his hand against Bernie's outstretched one.

"Are you ready for our workout?" Bernie asked.

Walter nodded.

Bernie's expression then turned serious as he reached out and held onto the padded arm of the wheelchair. "We're going to have someone join us today if that's okay with you. Her name is Sydney," he said catching Walters gaze. "And she is going to be sitting in on some of your treatment for a little while."

Up until this point, Sydney had been rooted to the spot. Half in shock at his condition, the other half still not able to get over the similarities between the brothers. He looked like an adult but sounded like a child. An innocent one at that, from the trusting expression on his face.

Bernie indicated for her to come closer as he continued to speak to Walter.

As she came closer, Walter looked up expectantly. She stopped breathing when he stiffened and slammed his eyes back down to his hands, which were resting in his lap, and shook his head.

"Aw come on Walter, don't be shy," teased Bernie, "she won't bite."

Walter squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head again. He reminded her of a child who didn't want to eat their vegetables. Sydney was thrown by Walter's reaction to her. This was something Bernie had warned her about. However, now that it had happened she wasn't sure whether she was relieved or upset by it.

This was her way out. If she wanted one. If he were going to make a fuss, she wouldn't be able to sit in on his sessions. There was no way the clinic would allow a patient's recovery to be impaired.

The question was, did she want a way out? Was she prepared to ride the emotional rollercoaster that undoubtedly was to follow, now that she had met the man?

Her world was beginning to spin. Sydney thought she had prepared herself. How wrong she had been. She was nowhere near prepared. Looking around the gym at the other patients and at the man-child in the chair, she had been delusional.

You were out of your gourd to think you could waltz in here and not be affected, she chastised herself.

She looked back at Walter and Bernie and then scanned the room again. Blinking a few times to not let on how emotional she was, Sydney turned back to Walter and cleared her throat. "That's a shame because I picked up some candy to share on the way here."

This had an effect on Walter. He slowly raised his face to her and cocked his head. "Wh-wh-what s-s-s-sort?"

Sydney tapped a finger on her chin and pretended to think. "Let me see," she began, "I've got snickers, butterfingers, m&m's and KitKat."

Walter's eyes lit up, "Y-y-you got b-b-b-bu-bu,"

Seeing he was getting frustrated Sydney cut him off. "Butterfingers? Do you like Butterfingers?"

Walter nodded shyly.

"Would you like some?"

Walter glanced across at Bernie, who had been watching the interaction in silence. "C-c-can I?" he asked.

"If you manage to do your exercises I don't see why not," he shrugged as he stood up.

"Wait right there," Sydney called out as she spun around and raced out the door in which she had entered. A few minutes later she returned with two candy bars and handed them to Walter, who quickly put them in the side bag of his chair.

Seeing Bernie's surprised expression, she shrugged and said, "What? I'm not above bribery, and I noticed a vending machine when I came in the building."

Bernie rolled his eyes and laughed. "So Walter," he said, turning back to his patient. "Is it okay if Sydney joins us?"

Sydney couldn't believe how relieved she was when he nodded his acceptance.

"We're going to start out on the Total Gym, we call it the TG and work on Walter's legs," Bernie explained as he pushed Walter to a piece of equipment that to Sydney looked like a standard weight training machine that she would see in any gym.

The apparatus consisted of a flat cushioned glide board that attached to rails. The top part was attached to a mount that allowed the angle of the glide board to be adjusted. The bottom of the glide board was connected to a squat stand, which would be used to place feet as the person pushed the board up and down the rails, using their leg muscles in the process.

"Okay Walter," said Bernie as he positioned the chair beside the apparatus. "Let's get started."

Sydney wasn't sure what she should be doing, so she waited on the other side until she was instructed.

A moment later Bernie had lifted Walter from the chair, deposited him on the glide board and swung his feet up onto the kickstand. Bernie then quickly straddled the kickstand and sat down on the small cylinder cushion at the base of it so that Walter's feet were resting between Bernie's thighs.

"Exercise is the only known intervention that has lasting effects on function after a spinal cord injury," Bernie explained to Sydney as he pushed a button and the glide board descended to the bottom, bending Walter's legs in the process.

Sydney nodded in understanding, she had done a bit of research over the past few days on the subject. "It promotes neural recovery and reduces secondary complications," she replied.

"That's right," Bernie nodded as he pushed down on Walter's knees. "Okay buddy, I want you grab on to the handle bars and pull yourself up."

Sydney watched as Walter reached out, grabbed onto the padded handlebars above his head and pulled himself up so that his legs were now straight. He was grinning at Sydney the entire time.

Bernie began to laugh, "Walter, stop showing off. Use your legs the next time."

Walter glanced back at his trainer and frowned. Sydney had to suppress a smile. He looked like a petulant child having been caught out.

Sydney's brows knitted in a frown, something about what Bernie had just said threw her for a moment. "How can he push with his legs?" she asked.

Bernie did two more repetitions with Walter before answering. "Walters's spinal cord was partially severed, so he has some movement. Not much, but enough that we need to build on it. He will never be able to support his own weight. Saying that, we need to keep the circulation moving and build as much muscle tone as possible."

Bernie turned back to face Walter. "That's great buddy, keep it up."

Walter, who had not taken his eyes from Sydney since she had given him the candy, said, "Y-y-you're p-p-p-pre-pretty." His frown at the effort of speaking immediately turning back into a grin once the words were out.

Unsure what to say or how to react to this, Sydney turned to Bernie for help.

Bernie chuckled at her obvious distress, stood up and moved to one side. "Hey, Walter, how about Sydney helps you with your exercises today."

Sydney tensed. Surely not? He wasn't suggesting she take over and help Walter through the repeats. Was he?

However, from the way in which he was showing her how to sit at the base of the TG without falling off, the man was serious. Giving in, she reluctantly threw a leg over the squat stand and positioned herself on the cushion.

Bernie gave her a run down on what she needed to do to help Walter through the training and then stood back to watch her work. At first, she was petrified she would get it wrong. However, with Bernie's encouragement she began to feel more at ease.

She also couldn't help but appreciate Walter's reassurance. Despite his childlike behaviour, he managed to joke about the situation to put her mind at rest. "A-a-al-already br-br-broken. C-c-can't m-m-make it w-w-w-worse," he declared between repetitions.

The rest of the session flew by. With each new exercise within Walter's programme, Sydney learnt a little more about his condition and the various physical exertion required to recondition his muscles. Bernie's expertise was invaluable. And, had she actually been researching for a book she would not have needed to go beyond him.

To Bernie, the service he provided was more of a calling rather than a job. And she could see why. Each time a new goal was achieved, each time there was progress, no matter how small, the feeling of accomplishment was astounding. The euphoric feeling was repeated around the room as she watched the other therapists work with their patients.

It was as if the entire fate of the world was centred on this one room and the microscopic movements exerted by these broken and troubled souls. Each one moving them that much closer to returning to what was, rather than staying with what is.

She knew some of them, like Walter, would never gain back the strength they once had – however, they were all aiming for a sense of worth and a degree of movement, no matter how small.

"S-s-sney, w-w-will you c-c-come b-b-b-back t-t-tmorrow?" Walter asked as they were packing up the weights from his last set of exercises for the day. She knew his afternoon he would be in group therapy. Something she was not allowed to attend.

"Sydney will be back with us tomorrow," Bernie assured Walter. "She's going to work with Tamsin now."

Walter made a face.

"You know you can't keep Sydney to yourself," Bernie laughed, seeing his sullen expression. "She's here to learn what we do. She's not here just for you."

Guilt washed over Sydney in waves upon hearing this. She hoped Bernie didn't notice her falter as she stacked the last of the weights.

He was the only reason she was here.

"C-c-can I sh-sh-show h-her m-m-m-my room?" Walter pleaded.

Bernie crossed his arms over his broad chest and considered the request. "Okay," he nodded. "We can then grab Tamsin on the way back."

Walter looked as though someone had just given him a present and wheeled his chair excitedly towards the door.

"Hey," Bernie called out, "you know the rules, no speeding."

Both Sydney and Bernie quickly followed Walter as he made his way through the rabbit warren of corridors. She knew he'd reached his destination when he stopped and impatiently waited for them to catch up.

Once they did, he headed through the door, calling for her to follow.

"You'll get no peace until you go inside and take a look around," Bernie said, pushing her through the door. He then leant on the doorframe, waiting for her to make the rounds of the room.

"Wow, quite a room you have here," Sydney whistled as she surveyed the room. The room was a lot larger than expected and, to a degree, looked like a bedroom, rather than a hospital room. One wall was adorned with Walter's artwork. There was a TV attached to another wall and a PlayStation attached to it.

"What do you play?" she asked, stopping at the gaming unit.

Walter wheeled across to where she was standing. "S-S-Super M-M-M-Mario."

"Are you any good?" she asked.

"I-I-I always b-b-b-beat m-m-my b-b-brother," he declared proudly.

Walter then propelled himself over to a corkboard that contained dozens of photos. "T-t-that's h-h-him," he said, pointing to the board.

Sydney gulped. If she wasn't feeling guilty before. She was most definitely wallowing in it now. With each step closer to the photo, Sydney's sense of being a fraud rose to the surface. She was consumed by the feeling. Her uppermost thoughts to flee before she got in any deeper. However, her legs continued to ignore her brain and she put one foot in front of the other until she was standing in front of the board filled with photos of Walter. 

Peering closer, she recognised Bernie in a few of them, as well as a few other faces she had seen that morning. When her eyes rested on an image of Walter and Ethan, she was riveted. The two were happy, they were joking about something. Ethan appeared relaxed, his usually stoic features gone, and in its place was something akin to tenderness and love. She looked closer. The photo was taken at St Pats, so couldn't have been taken that long ago.

Sydney cleared her throat and forced herself to take in the other images. "It looks like you both have a lot of fun," she eventually said.

Walter nodded and wheeled back to the PlayStation and grabbed a controller. "W-w-wanna p-p-play?"

"Walter," Bernie growled, "you know the rules. You can't play now, you've got to get to group."

"Okay," said Walter, clearly not happy with the rules.

He perked up when Sydney said, "How about you teach me how to play another day?"

The guilt at her deception continued to play on her mind for the remainder of the session with Tamsin. To the extent that she put more effort into Tamsin's training than she had with Walter's. As with Walter, Tamsin's condition nearly broke her. The girl was only a few years younger than she was, and had been involved in a hit and run accident two years before. Her brain injury, while not as extensive as Walter's was enough that she would never be able to return to normal. What was more disheartening was Tamsin seemed to be more aware of how she used to be, and was more frustrated with the inability to communicate.

The entire drive back to New York, Sydney debated on whether she should return the following day. The time spent with Walter and Tamsin was more harrowing than she had expected. The fact that she was there under false pretenses, only reinforced her feeling of raw guilt. It was beginning to fester and physically push a heavy weight over her chest.

Moreover, the fact that Ethan was unaware that an additional person was working with Walter didn't sit well with her. She knew without a doubt, Ethan would react badly.

How the hell did I get myself into this mess?

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📎A/N. Well she's gone and done it now!! ... do you think she should go back, or do you think she should leave well enough alone and stay away??

eek!!! .... really don't think Ethan is going to take this well at all.

Till next time, don't forget to vote... oh, and don't forget to sign up for my author newsletters at http://www.mnjgreenhill.com

Take Care.

❤ ℳ 

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