What is he talking about?

[ what do you mean? You didn't do anything wrong. Do you regret it? >

< No, I mean, yeah kinda. I shouldn't have touched you like that. I promised myself I'd wait, I don't know if you were affected by it but I'm scared this might have deepened something inside you and its not a good idea so early in our relationship. Especially bcs it's your first, I'm your first and I messed up ]

I have never seen him worry so much in a sober state.

[ Don't apologize, you didn't mess up. I don't want you to worry. The one that should apologize is me because I didn't realize in the heat of the moment I was probably too forceful or pushy, so I'm sorry for making you feel like you've done something wrong. You didn't >

[ does that have to do with the fact you didn't want me to touch you more though? >

< No, you weren't forceful or anything like that. Don't say that, you always stop whenever you know I'm serious or if I'm not comfortable but I was, you knew I wanted it bcs i couldn't control it but we both had each other's consent. I'm the one that led us to that. I knew it would turn you on but I wanted more and couldn't stop ]

< yeah I knew it'd get me addicted and stuff and I just couldn't let it happen ]

I do not continue this conversation by text but call him, feeling like he took a pill or is slightly drunk, and he answers in a few seconds. "Y/n, I promise I didn't mean to lead everything to that. I didn't realize how wrong that was, but I feel so disgusting now—"

"Hey, calm down. Nothing wrong happened," I try to put his mind at rest, hearing the genuine and concerning panic in his voice. He is speaking fast, his breathing is unsteady, I do not understand what caused him to suddenly be in that state. "No, you don't get it, y/n. You say that because you love me," he does not think but lets the anxiety overwhelm him, so I do my best to find a way to relax him. "Listen. I love you, but I'm not blinded by my feelings. I know what's right and what's not. There's no reason to stress over this, I promise. Did you take a pill last night? Or this morning that you ended in this state?"

"I had to, I'm sorry, y/n...I feel like dying since I came back home yesterday, I feel horrible," he can barely speak distinctly. "It's okay. I'm not upset or disappointed. Try to breathe more properly. I'm coming, and we'll—"

"No. No, you're not. I don't want you to come, I'll calm down on my own," he refuses to receive my help, but knowing him and the reason why he is not okay with this, I still grab my bag and make my way out of my bedroom. "Fine, but I want you to stop panicking because there's not reason to," I check where my parents are and hurry to leave without them noticing.

"I can't. I can't stop thinking about it," he does not manage to do as he claimed only two seconds ago, so I step out of my house and hurry towards the bus station. "Did you wake up right before texting me?" I try to distract him with another subject. "Yes, I mean, I took so long to text you because I didn't know how to say it, but yeah."

"And what did you dream of?" I carefully cross the road, feeling anxious and worried for him. "I...I don't know...I think we were spending time together and watching a livestream."

"We were watching a livestream? Who was it?" I continue, hearing that I am actually doing well and calming him down for a bit.

30 minutes later...

After being hung up on, I enter Jungkook's house and catch sight of him walking around while breathing hard. "Y/n. I told you not to come."

I do not listen but close the door, take my shoes off, and drop my bag to head up to him. I have never seen him in such a state, he seems so lost and frightened. "You calmed down while I was talking to you, why did you hang up?"

"I don't want you to see me like that! I should not even have answered your call," he mumbles the end of his sentence, hyperventilating and moving from one spot to another. "I'm your girlfriend, Jungkook. I want to be here for you no matter what."

"No...I don't want you to..." he tears up but covers his face with his hands, his chest rising and going down at an unhealthy pace. I walk up to him and grab his hands to hold them and bring them down. "Are you having a panic attack?"

"Yes, but I can't take my pills," he does not lie to me but reveals something I was not aware of. "Come here," I lead him to the sofa and make him sit down, and I squat down in front of him without ever letting go of his cold hands. "Why can't you take them?"

"The adeine took a few hours ago," his bigger hands clasp mine more snugly, and his glistening eyes meet mine without glancing away. This pains me so deeply.

"Am I manipulating you? I'm fucking disgusting, aren't I?" his voice breaks, and he bursts into tears. "What the hell are you saying, Jungkook? No, you're not. Have you talked to someone or heard something? Why would you even think that?"

"I don't know what's happening to me...I'm so scared. It's like, I'm doing something wrong...I'm messing you up..." he speaks nonsense and believes into unreasonable thoughts. "No, you're not messing me up, the pill you take so often is definitely messing you up though," I rub my thumbs over the back of his hands, his state not getting better but looking worse.

He stares into my eyes for a moment, but after a few seconds, closes his eyes and lowers his chin, and his hands crush mine. Without telling me what is wrong, he leans back and puts his hands on the sofa.

"What's going on?" I straighten up and touch his knee, but he moves again and lies down. "My chest's so tight, I can't breathe."

"Has it already happened?" I sit down next to him and delicately place my hand on his chest to rub it, fearing the worst part of the panic attack could be happening. "Yeah," he rests his arm over his eyes and keeps his mouth open to breathe, so I try to help the best way I can.

I can see that his hand is like paralyzed, it is almost clenched into a fist, and I felt it when I held them, it was like stuck. "Give me the bag over there," he tries to reach out for the paper one on the coffee table, so I give it to him, and he uses it to regulate his breathing.

I wish he could be happy and healthy.

"Everything's okay, Jungkook. I swear it's just your anxiety making you think some dumb stuff. I'm not a kid anymore, and we both know you've never done anything inappropriate or wrong, but if it worries you so much and that you're not comfortable, we'll take a break, it's okay," I hope for my words to be effective and take his other hand to hold it on my lap and massage it.

Not knowing what works best for him, I do not speak but only comfort him with physical affection. This reminds me of that one day when I thought he was dead, and this is scaring me.

I keep my eyes on him and constantly rub my hand over his chest, his heartbeat hitting it hard, I wait, patiently, hoping this quickly comes to an end and stops hurting him.

After using the paper bag for some time, his breathing seems to gradually become more steady. He pulls the it down and opens his eyes. "If there's anything I can do to help, tell me," I stroke my thumb over the palm of his hand that now feels less tense.

"Can I listen to your heartbeat?" he closes his hand around mine, and I smile at him. "Yes," I heave his hand up to my chest and lay it over my heart. "Talk about something random. I wanna hear your voice."

"Random? What about my favorite game?" I eagerly bring up, and a smile appears on his face, which shoots a heavy dose of relief and delight into my veins. "Yeah."

"I'm almost at the end of it, so I'm a bit sad, but I've created another party to play with a new character, and I can't stop playing it. It's been a long time since I felt like that over a game," I show my excitement, happy to see him feel better. "And my character is so cute, sometimes she has some facial expressions that make her look so pretty, I love what I did."

He turns his hand to intertwine our fingers and holds it on my thighs. "We should play together some day, it'd be fun with you," I put my other hand around his to have it in both of mine, his eyes remaining on mine, but with so much fondness that I can feel his stare into my soul. "We will," he caresses my skin with his thumb, and I lean in to hug him and give him all my love. "I wish you never had to be in pain."

He wraps his arms around me and drops a kiss on my forehead. "I'm sorry you had to deal with this and see me in such a state. It won't happen—"

"Stop saying sorry. I always want to be by your side when you have to go through horrible stuff like that," I close my eyes and snuggle my head up in the crook of his neck even more, and he pats it. "You're the best person I've ever met, y/n..."

His meaningful and touching words get my eyes to open again, my heart beating a little faster, I move my head up from his chest and gaze into his beautiful eyes. He runs his fingers through my hair, the corners of his turning up to form a tender smile, I press my lips on his plump ones and set my eyes back on him. "And you're the best person I've ever met."

His displayed emotions fading away from his face, he glances down at my lips and holds the side of my face, and nothing goes out. He does not say a thing but stares, lovingly, yet so sadly.

"I mean it when I say those words, you know it, right?" I do not allow any doubt to fill his mind. "I know," he forces a smile to not worry me, and he strokes my cheek. "I mean it too."

"I'm happy then," I do not oblige him to face his feelings in front of me, knowing the reason why he seems to not be trustful. I leave him alone for now and let him recover from what happened.

— Three days later —

Monday, June 7th, 2021.

12:20 pm.

'JUNGKOOK'S P.O.V'

My thoughts constantly bringing me back to last Friday, no matter how hard I fight against them, I lift my cigarette up to my mouth and stare into space.

"Hey!" someone snaps me out of it, and I lay eyes on them. "You're good?" Luca shows some care and joins me to take our break together, outside and away from people. "Yeah. And you?"

"You're sure? You've been in a daze since this morning. Has something happened?" he unwittingly tells me that my state is more evident than I thought, which makes me feel very self-conscious about it. "No. I'm good," I lie and breathe out the smoke, but he keeps staring at me while taking his cigarettes out. "How was the weekend without y/n?"

"We ended up seeing each other on Saturday, but less than usual, so it was hard," I get my lighter out at the sight of him coming closer to me, and I lit his cigarette up. "Thanks," he takes a drag on it right away and stands by my side to lean back on the wall behind us as well. "Why was it hard?"

"I don't know...I already felt like that when we weren't together, and now it's even worse," I tap the ash off and glance up. "You really love her," he smiles but triggers that one feeling I cannot stand to be affected by anymore. "Hm."

He does not speak but enjoys his cigarette as I am doing, still getting some flashbacks from the intimate moment I spent with y/n.

"Do you not like to be in love?" he gets it without needing more words, and I cannot help feeling afraid. "I'm not sure, it's like, I love how she makes me feel, but at the same time, I don't. I feel like she's in love, and she's so blinded by it that she can't see how unlovable I truly am."

"What do you mean 'you don't'?" he breathes some smoke out, and I finish my cigarette before answering him. "It scares me because of my past relationship. It makes me feel like I don't deserve to be loved, and y/n is just...The way she loves me...It makes it even worse," I stub my cigarette out. "She gives you a lot of love?"

"Yeah. Even though I dated somebody for more than a year, I can assure you that I've never felt that loved before," I slide my hands in my pockets and look in his direction, the smell of his cigarette making me crave another one. "Dude, you were with the wrong one for sure, and I can understand how hard it must be to love again."

"She definitely wasn't the good one. She was my first, and she cheated on me twice," I still struggle with this topic, feeling uncomfortable, hurt, and unable to even pronounce her name. "What a fucking bitch. It's always those fucking girls you put all your trust into who ruin you."

"Yeah...I'm not comparing y/n to her, but the fact that she seemed like a good person in the beginning too, makes me doubt and fear it. Even if y/n has nothing to do with her," I try not to assume the worst, willing to trust her. "Honestly, we can't ever be certain, but like, the fact that this girl met you when you weren't at your best, and she fell in love with you, she's still here when things aren't going good for you, she loves cooking for you, takes care of you when you're drunk and even stays until you're okay, she's the one who made the first move, and I could go on, if I had a girl like that, I'd give her all my love," he opines himself and tells the words I wish I could say.

"She came on Saturday because she knew I was having a panic attack and couldn't breathe, even though her dad's against it. And she was there, doing her best to help me calm down, and she'd constantly make sure my heart's beating properly, that I wasn't worried and all," I tell him what will add more reasons to love her without distrusting her.

"Yeah, dude. She's a keeper to me 'cause there're things that fake people with bad intention don't do, or if they did, they'd show annoyance and complain, but she willingly does them and always wanna be with you, so if I was you, I'd really not let a bad past relationship prevent me from having something good with a new person," he helps me a lot, not realizing how important his words are. "You're right..."

"I'm not forcing you or telling you I know better, but it's just my opinion and what I feel like with all the things I know about her," he makes sure I do not feel influenced, and I smile. "I know, but you're a wise guy," I chuckle and walk forth to show him I am going back to the shop, and he stubs his cigarette out. "I wish I was," he follows me, and we both head back to work.

— One week later —

Friday, June 18th, 2021.

2:30 pm.

< Are you sleeping? ]

I read y/n's text while enjoying the heat of the sun on my balcony, smoking a cigarette and leaning over the railing.

[ I'm not, why? >

< just wondering since you left work earlier, lucky guy:3 ]

[ for once its me >

< as if it happened all the time for me ]

[ often:) >

< lies ]

< but anyway, I'm gonna cook something new tomorrow so be ready ]

[ I dont want you to come this weekend, I think I caught a cold so stay home. I don't want you to get sick >

< I'll wear a mask, I'm fine but well, at least if i catch it too I'll get some days off so I'm definitely coming and kissing you all over tomorrow:> ]

[ no you're not:) you'll kiss me all over another day. I don't want you to be in pain >

< can I at least bring you some food? I wanted to cook for you:( ]

[ take some time for yourself baby I'm okay, cook those delicious meals and treat yourself. I won't be able to enjoy your food as much as I would if I was okay, so wait for another weekend >

< fine. Promise you'll take care of yourself. Did you visit the doctor at least? ]

[ it's just a cold I won't bother >

<what if it's worse? ]

[ then I'll call for a visit but I'm sure it will be fine after this weekend >

< I hope you're right ]

[ I'm always right. What are you gonna do this weekend? >

[ wait a minute. Aren't you in class rn? >

< no...:)) I'll probably work with Matt for history bcs we both failed our last test ]

[ which one of you thought of doing it? >

[ stop texting me, you're gonna get caught >

< I won't. She's blind and too focused on her computer to even care of notice. Matt asked to do it today but since we can do it this weekend, its better so that I can sleep when I come home:> ]

[ will you be at his house or yours? >

< his so that my dad doesn't bother him ]

I breathe some smoke out through a sigh, and I glance away from my phone screen for a moment. This brings back so many scary and traumatizing memories that I cannot control myself and hide that toxic part of me she built inside me.

[ okay >

I do not leave her on read and put my phone in my pocket to finish my cigarette.

Maybe I am not ready to be in another relationship yet. I am still so insecure, so unsure, and I recently realized how dependent on her I am. I constantly need her attention, I need her to tell me I am doing better, that I am not a bad person, that I mean something to her. My jealousy and fear of abandonment are so much more prominent now that I am with her, and this is very difficult for me, no matter how much I love her, being in love is actually the problem.

A girl like her deserves someone better. Someone who will not be afraid to show their emotions, to let her know what they truly feel for her.

My mind and thoughts ruining my whole day, I stub my cigarette out in the ash tray next to me, and I walk back inside my house to head to the kitchen and get a painkiller for my head, but my phone rings again.

I swallow the pill with some water and check the text.

< I love you a lot<3 Talk to me if something happens and that you're not feeling good, okay? ]

[ I will. Love you too >

I struggle to say the words back, and I drop my phone on the counter in front of me.

I make my way upstairs, hoping for the painkiller to work quick, and I enter my bedroom. I head to the curtains first and close them all to be in the dark, and I take my shirt off and drop it on the bed, and I lie down under the blanket.

I take my phone out and leave it on my nightstand, and I get comfortable to go to sleep.