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Its not fiction

Am I a game to you? This whole time I thought that I was in the wrong, that I rightfully earned this broken heart because I chose to fall in love with someone I couldn't have. In my eyes you could never do no wrong, you were the perfect angel. But now I can't help but feel like you didn't care.  You gave me just enough attention to make me foolishly believe I ever had a chance with you. You didn't know. Or maybe you did and just didn't care. Or maybe it was a spur of the moment decision. Maybe you're used to people crushing on you, and maybe that really is all you thought it was. But it wasn't. I was in love with you. You were every song I heard, you were in everything I saw. So I tried distancing myself. I've heard people say if you truly loved someone that you will never stop, and I'm starting to think that they are right, But God I wish they weren't. I hadn't thought about you in a while. I keep myself busy most days with school and work, and things I'm really proud of. things that I started doing years ago with a tiny hope in the back of my mind that it would somehow lead to me one day holding your heart in my hands. I'm still a creator, but its not for you anymore. At least that is what I tell myself in order to sleep at night. I've been talking to guys. Even a few women. I don't hurt people, I didn't think I was still trying to get over you. But I haven't felt anything like what I feel for you, what I felt for you. I checked your Instagram for the first time in a while because maybe I started missing you? Or maybe I wanted to make sure you were alright because I still care when I wish I don't. But because I care I had to 'enjoy' those pictures of you and your boyfriend, all smiley together. I wish I never saw your face. I wish I never wrote so many words, felt so many feelings, cared so much- I WISH I COULD HATE YOU. What is it about you that I can't get away from? I don't want to love you anymore. Maybe it is going to take more on my end. Maybe muting your Instagram and twitter is enough. Maybe I've got to take that extra step and unfollow you. Maybe I've got to find different songs to listen to, maybe I've got to watch movies that don't make me think of you, maybe I've got to stop watching couples on YouTube that remind me of what I wish we could have had. Maybe I've got to stop seeing families on the street and picturing any future with you. Maybe I've got to tell all of my friends not to mention your name. Maybe I've got to burn your hoodie and throw your albums out of a moving car. Maybe I've got to close myself off from the world because every relationship I could have will remind me that they are not you. Maybe I've got to start hating blue eyes and blonde hair. Maybe I should just become a nun. Maybe I should just beat myself up until I forget I ever even saw you. But then I start having these dreams. And these irrational thoughts pop up into my head saying that maybe a dream isn't a dream, maybe in a life we were together. And then i remember that I am completely infatuated with you. That pisses me off even more. Then I watch different scenarios in my head that could lead us into this big beautiful relationship that results in a marriage and a family that resembles the one I saw a couple of days ago. It's embarrassing! I was 15 when I fell for you and even though I am 18 now, that fact still means as little to you and as much to me as it didn't all those years ago. Perhaps it's that psychological theory that we all want what we can't have. I would rather believe that than believe I let you tear my heart right out. It's not just fiction anymore.

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