I sleep well into the sunlight and even so, I wake with the weight of exhaustion. My brain has decomposed. Invertebrates have ambitiously broken it down while I've slept and now my skull is empty save for an overgrown amygdala and a few woodlice.

Though my eyes are open, I can't see owt. I can't feel my right arm, stuck beneath my body.

Beewolf rests on my left shoulder, its shadow stamped to my wall where it governs my own. It reminds me I'm evil, reminds me I should've drowned, reminds me that I didn't feed it enough pain yesterday.

More. It needs more. More red. More fire. More blood.

But I'm too tired to comply. My own thoughts deafen even Beewolf, gaining speed by the second. Evil evil evil evil evil evil. And what if I can't stop it? What if it's too late? What if it has already taken root in Nicolás too?

My body bursts off the bed, forcing Beewolf to fly to the top of the window frame. Half of my limbs are dead and, on my first step out of bed, I collapse. Ignoring the shattering of my kneecaps, I crawl to my backpack and dig out a notebook at random along with a pen.

I'm sorry for making you leave work early yesterday even though you and scaring you and making you take care of me I didn't mean to make you anxious I didn't mean for you to find out but Diwa I know you're tired because of me and I'm sorry I wouldn't have I'm sorry I made you use money on takeaway even though we don't have any money and I'm sorry you don't have any money because of me and I'm sorry I keep wasting it.

I'm sorry I spoiled your life I didn't mean to I don't mean to

I appreciate how much you do for me and Im sorry I never say thank you because I'm evil, I'm sorry you had to drop out of uni and that you never have time to spend with your friends and that you cant get a partner because of me I don't want to stand in the way of

Im sorry I yelled at you for going into my room when all you wanted was to clean but I threw a whole tantrum about it I am grateful for everything you do for me Im sorry I keep hurting myself and forcing you to clean it up.

You don't have to. I can do it myself.

I'm sorry for being evil all the time.

I'm sorry I don't miss our parents. I'm sorry I can't remember what their faces looked like. they never meant owt to me I just wanted them to come back so I wouldn't have to be with strangers all the time so I could get out so I wouldnt be locked in anymore with the wasps or the dark or

but they're strangers too. I want to miss them, I've tried so hard to miss them. I know you do, and I'm sorry that I don't

I'm sorry that I don't.

I rip the pages out once I've bled all my thoughts onto them. The pins and needles on my right side have eased enough for me to stand up.

The house is shrowded with silence. The estate's kids play in the street but their voices are whittled in the dust in the cracked insulation around our windows, allowing only the cold to enter. Nicolás's bedroom door is shut. So he's still asleep.

I've barely thought that I can't wake him before it's torn open. Inertia keeps him rushing into the corridor even though he sees me standing there, alive.

'Morning. Did you–?'

I hold out the pages to him.

Nicolás looks at them.

'It's for you.'

He journeys the creeks dividing us to take them, glancing at me for confirmation before he starts to read. I crack my knuckles as I watch his eyes stumble over the text. Already painfully red and swollen, they flood with fresh tears.

He reaches the end and his gaze flicks up but I drop mine to the floor. If I face disgust, I won't be able to continue, and I need to finish what I've started.

'It's okay if you want to send me to that group home. I should go– I need to go.'

'I'm not sending you nowhere,' he whispers. 'Cece, you've not spoiled my life. I chose this. If I got a hundred chances to do it over, I would always choose to have you here. Uni's not that important. Dating is not that important. You're important.'

Stuffing the pages into his pocket, Nicolás lays a hand on each of my shoulders and I don't flinch. I don't flinch.

Encouraged, he moves a hand to my chin to lift it. My eyes are black holes, infinitely closing in on themselves, and whilst his are equally dark, it's the black of garden ants, always building more where I tear down.

'Cecilio, escuchame, you're my family. Everything else comes second.'

But he already has a family, Beewolf reminds me. Caleb, all his friends, his foster parents... What could he need me for?

'And you're doing better. You're doing so much better.'

I shake my head. I'll never be better. I'm evil. I were born evil and soon I'll lose the fight.

Hands sliding to my back, Nicolás pulls me into a hug and I break down. How do I still have the strength to cry?

Whilst the rest of my bones shiver in his arms, my jaw is locked shut. It's all that stops me from apologising again because he shouldn't have to carry my pain. He has so much of his own.

But Nicolás don't hug me like it's a burden. He plants a kiss to my head and my heart swells against my ribs so that all I can do is sob. Nicolás melts the ice stiffening my ligaments, soothes the pests in my gut.

His hand tangles into my hair almost painfully. 'You don't have to be sorry for not missing Mamá and Papá. They're the ones who left. You don't owe em shit.'

Admitting it feels good. I've been afraid that admitting it will cut the final tether and leave me entirely rootless in the dark. But I have Nicolás. I've always had Nicolás. He's an invisible safety harness that I only see when I finally let go and plummet. But he knew them, and he misses them. And I don't.

He should hate me for that.

'But I owe you.'

He pulls back. Tears roll down his cheeks to collect at his jaw but his gaze holds mine and he shakes his head. 'I love you. It's not a transaction.'

It's not a transaction? But that's all love has ever been! The good ones get to stay around, the rest of us don't. No one loves feral dogs if they don't get worship in return—that's the only thing someone like me is good for: blood. All anyone could ever want from me is to be that one who manages to condition me to bite on command.

'I love you,' Nicolás repeats.

In those words, he also says: you can rest, you can let your guard down, you can put the teeth away...

'I'm never going to send you nowhere. This is your home for however long you want it to be.'