Nicole

Caraphernelia: the residual ache of abandonment, when the one you loved leaves but fragments of their existence linger. The adage suggests it's wiser to have tasted love's bittersweetness than to have never known it.

The one that got away is a concept that permeates the human experience, a lingering presence in the corridors of memory and emotion. There was never a day I hadn't thought of my one that got away, at tuwina'y gigisingin ng kaisipang iyon ang iba't ibang emosyon mula sa aking damdamin—regret for what could have been, nostalgia for what once was, and perhaps even gratitude for the lessons learned.

Sabi ng lahat ng nakapaligid sa akin ay kailangan kong tanggapin kahit na masakit, kahit na mahirap. For in acknowledging the existence of the one that got away, we recognize the inherent unpredictability of life and love. Ganoon daw talaga ang buhay, hindi lahat ng gugustuhin mo'y makukuha mo, at hindi lahat ng makukuha mo'y mananatiling sa'yo habang buhay. Some connections are meant to be fleeting, and their significance is revealed only in hindsight.

"Nicole, ano ba naman 'tong itsura ng bahay mo?!" Iritadong sigaw ng kaibigan kong si Donna nang mabungaran ang makalat at magulo kong apartment. "Bahay ba 'to o bodega?"

Mabilis kong tinakpan ang aking magkabilang tainga nang ipagpatuloy pa niya ang pagtatatalak, mas lalo siyang humakbang papasok. Kinuha ko ang maliit na trash bin at isa-isang pinulot at inilagay doon ang mga kalat sa carpet, mostly crumpled sheets of paper with nonsense sketches. Ilang gabi na kasi akong walang maisip na concept sa susunod kong gagawin pero walang magandang ideya ang pumapasok sa aking isipan. Kailangan meron. Oo, kailangan. I was becoming the literal definition of a starving artist, consumed by an insatiable hunger for the passion I once felt for art.

"Ang kalat at ang dilim naman dito, Nicole," hindi pa rin tapos si Donna, tinungo niya ang bintana at hinawi ang dalawang makakapal na kurtina upang papasukin ang liwanag mula sa labas. "Nakakaloka ka! Kamukha na nitong unit mo 'yung mga abandoned houses sa The Walking Dead! Parang anumang oras ay may mga zombie na lalabas bawat pinto rito, eh."

Si OA. Napairap ako pero sigurado kong hindi niya iyon nakita dahil abala pa rin siya sa pag-iisa-isa ng mga nakakalat kong gamit sa sala. Magulo ang apartment ko pero hindi naman madumi. My mind had been over the place lately, kaya nga wala akong maisip na concept sa gagawin kong book cover ng librong ilalabas ni Donna na siyang kailangan ko ng gawin dahil to be published na iyon in less than two months. I read the book twice, pero wala pa rin talaga. Hindi naman ganito kahirap para sa akin ang ginagawa ko dati pero ngayon ay pakiramdam ko masyado ko nang pinipilit ang sarili kong mag produce ng art. I felt sad and pathetic at the same time, dahil hindi naman dapat pinipilit ang art.

"Alam mo, Niks," si Karla iyon na tinungo ang kusina upang kunin mula sa maliit na storage locker ang vacuum cleaner at tulungan na ako sa pagliligpit. "I think you need a break. Paano ka ba naman kasi makakapag-isip ng maayos kung ganito ang paligid mo?"

"Of course, she needs a break!" Mabilis na segunda ni Donna bago pa ako makapagsalita. "Alam naman nating lahat 'yan, at alam niya rin 'yan. We're all thinking it, hindi lang sinasabi dahil baka may damdaming masalag. But now that Karla mentioned it, bakit nga hindi ka pumreno ng konti, Nicole? Hindi naman 'yun masama at lalong hindi bawal."

Gusto kong irapan si Donna pero napapagod ako. Alam ko rin naman na kasi kung saan papunta ang usapan dahil doon naman kami laging nauuwi. Narinig ko ang magkakasunod pang reklamo ni Donna sa maraming papel kong kalat, kung sana kasi'y tumutulong na lang siyang mag dampot kaysa ubusin niya ang oras niya para pagalitan ako.

"Sobrang bihira mong lumabas ng apartment, Nicole. Miski kami, madalang ka na namin makita. Kung hindi ka pa nga namin sasadyaing puntahan rito ay wala talagang pag-asa na magpakita ka sa amin." Magkahalong pag-aalala at tampo na sabi ni Karla sa akin. Kumpara kay Donna ay mas mahinahon siyang kausap. "Miss ka na kaya namin!"

"Miss ko rin naman kayo," totoo iyon, I don't lie. "Busy lang talaga ako. Ang dami kong kailangan tapusin, wala pa nga akong nagagawang book cover para sa sinulat ni Donna. Ang lapit na ng deadline. Tapos may mga iba pa akong project na kailangan tutukan. Kaya rin hindi ako basta-bastang nakakalabas ng bahay."

"May writing workshop kami ni Donna next week sa Palawan. Kung sumama ka kaya sa amin para naman makapag bakasyon ka na rin kahit paano! Medyo matagal na rin since last out of town natin, ah."

Mas lalo akong natahimik sa sinabi ni Karla. Yes, matagal na talaga. And that reality brought unwarranted ache to my chest. Maging silang dalawa ay natigilan nang matanto ang sinabi. Ilang sandali rin ang pinalipas ni Donna bago muling basagin ang uncomfortable silence na namagitan sa amin.

"Oo, Nicole. Sumama ka na sa amin ni Karla sa Palawan, maligo tayo sa dagat at mamasyal. Isang linggo rin ang workshop, kung mabitin tayo ay puwede namang mag-extend. May dala naman kaming mga laptop, kahit saan ay puwedeng magtrabaho." Sadyang pinagaan ni Donna ang kaniyang tinig at dagling kinalimutan ang ginagawang pagtataray kanina. "Pahinga mo na rin,"

"Nagpapahinga naman ako, ah." Malumanay kong depensa sa sinabi niya. Tumayo ako ng tuwid nang matapos sa pagpupulot at muling ibinalik sa puwesto nito ang trash bin. "Wala rin naman akong gagawin doon kung sasama ako. Wala akong maitutulong kaya huwag na lang."

Totoo naman ang sinabi ko. Workshop iyon para sa mga manunulat na gaya nilang dalawa at wala akong ni katiting kaalaman tungkol sa pagsusulat. I'm an illustrator not a writer. Ni hindi ko na nga alam kung paanong mas lalong pag-iigihan pa ang ginagawa ko gayong ni wala akong matinong maiguhit.

In the ever-evolving landscape of technology, where digital art platforms and tools have become the norm, I found myself lingering in the realm of traditional methods, sketching away in the pages of my trusty old book rather than embracing the sleek efficiency of an iPad. While the world around me seemed to seamlessly transition into the digital age, I remained steadfast in my preference for the tactile sensation of pencil on paper.

It wasn't for lack of trying that I failed to adapt. I experimented with digital art, explored the intricacies of software, and attempted to navigate the complexities of digital drawing tools. Yet, despite my efforts, I found myself constantly drawn back to the simplicity and authenticity of traditional sketching. Para sa akin ay mas maganda at mas totoo ang mga gawa ko sa papel.

In an industry that thrived on the convenience and accessibility of digital artwork, my reluctance to fully embrace technology could have spelled disaster for my career. But, against the odds, I managed to carve out a niche for myself, finding solace in the knowledge that there were still those who appreciated the beauty of handcrafted artistry. Kagaya nina Donna at Karla na gusto pa rin ang traditional art sa mga pabalat ng libro nila. May mangilan-ngilan pang gaya nila, 'yun nga lang ay bilang na. Kaya lang ano naman ang magagawa ko, kung ipipilit ko sa sarili ko ang digital art I still wouldn't be satisfied.

"Isa pa, walang tatao sa gallery kung aalis ako. Sayang naman ang kikitain kung sakali. Pambayad ko rin 'yon ng mortgage dito sa condo, association dues pa." I tried my best not to sound bitter, sana lang ay napagtagumpayan ko nga.

Alam kong nakasunod ang kanilang mga mata sa akin nang iwan ko sila sa sala upang tunguhin ang kusina. I could even hear their sighs. Sinundan nila akong dalawa at nararamdaman kong papunta na ang usapan namin doon. We kept tiptoeing around the subject pero sa huli ay sasadyain rin naming tapaktapakan iyon para mapag-usapan. Palagi na lang ganito.

"Niks, kung tanggapin mo na lang kasi ang binibigay ni Mommy na galing naman sa ipon ni Kuya Cent. Para sa'yo naman talaga iyon, eh. Para rin sana mabayaran mo na ng buo ang balance nitong condo at makabawas sa iisipin mo kahit paano." Karla sighed warily.

Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita, humigpit ang hawak ko sa baso na aking inabot mula sa counter. Nasa ganoong ayos ako nang maramdaman ko na lang ang paglapit at pagyakap sa akin ni Donna mula sa likuran, no matter how hard I try to pretend I'm okay ay ramdam ng mga ito ang totoo.

"Niks, I know masakit pa. Kahit naman kami ay nalulungkot pa rin sa nangyari. He was my friend. He was Karla's older brother. It wasn't easy for the rest of us too, lalo na at nakikita namin ang nagiging epekto sa'yo ng lahat." Donna's voice tinged with sadness and longing. "Pakiramdam kasi namin, Niks, pati ikaw ay unti-unting nawawala sa amin."

"Ano bang sinasabi mo?" I faked a laugh and wiggled free from her embrace. Tinungo ko ang ref para kunin ang pitcher ng iced tea atsaka nagsalin. "I'm okay, Donna."

"No, you're not," nanghihina niya akong tinignan. "Hindi ka okay at nakikita namin 'yun. We could still feel your agony and pain, anumang pilit mong itago sa amin. At normal lang 'yun, Nicole. Normal lang na maramdaman mo 'yan."

Hindi ko gustong magalit o mainis sa mga ito dahil alam kong kapakanan ko lang naman ang inaalala nila. Kaya lang, ano pa bang gusto nila sa akin? I was trying so damn hard to survive and get my life together. Hindi madali pero kinakaya ko.

"Don't get us wrong, Nicole. Kagaya ng sinabi ni Donna, masakit rin sa amin ang nangyari. Kaya lang hindi naman puwedeng ganito na lang. We have to accept what happened and keep moving..." Halos bulong na lang lumabas ang mga salitang iyon mula kay Karla. I could sense how much she was holding back dahil sabi nga nila, naiintindihan nila ako.

But no, I don't think they understand my pain. Accept what happened and keep moving, then what? Hindi naman doon 'yun natatapos, eh. The pain cut deeper than anyone could understand, clinging to me like a relentless shadow, refusing to loosen its grip. I couldn't move on because I didn't want to; every step forward felt like a betrayal to the memories I held dear. I was trying to survive, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't turn my back on the memories of him—the laughter, the love, the moments we had that now haunted my every thought. No one understood the delicate yet brutal nature of my grief, the unique agony of losing someone who was more than just a presence in my life—he was a part of me

Hindi nila ako naiintindihan at hindi ko rin inaasahan na maiintindihan nila ako.

Pinili kong huwag muling umimik at tahimik na lamang na inisang tungga ang iced tea na isinalin ko sa baso, tapos ay kumuha akong muli ng dalawa pang malilinis na baso para sila naman ang bigyan. Wala na akong pake kung kaawaan nila ang sitwasyon ko.

"Mahal na mahal ko si Kuya Cent, Niks. At ngayon, miss na miss ko na siya." Malungkot na sabi ni Karla nang abutan ko siya ng inumin.

Two years ago, I was supposed to marry Karla's older brother, Vicente.

Two years ago, the course of my life was irrevocably altered by a tragic car accident that tore Vicente away from me in the cruelest of ways. It was meant to be a routine drive. But fate had other plans, and in the blink of an eye, everything changed.

When an accelerating vehicle careened towards us, Vicente acted with a selflessness that would define his final moments. With a swift, decisive motion, he unbuckled his seatbelt and shielded me from the impending impact, sacrificing himself to save me.

I survived the crash with barely a scratch, spared from the jaws of death by the sheer force of Vicente's bravery. But as I emerged from the wreckage, my heart shattered into a million pieces, consumed by a grief so profound that it threatened to swallow me whole. The guilt that he had chosen to save me, that he had willingly laid down his life to protect mine, weighed heavily upon my soul, a burden I would carry for the rest of my days.

In the days and months that followed, I struggled to make sense of a world without Vicente, grappling with the agonizing void left in his wake.

At ngayon, dalawang taon na ang nakalipas pero sobrang sakit pa rin. Ang daya lang. Sobrang daya lang.

Two years ago, I lost a part of myself that I knew I could never reclaim. I was consumed by misery and sadness, unsure of what to do with my life. I found it difficult to talk to anyone, and I barely had an appetite. There were moments when I contemplated ending my own life. How could the world be so cruel? Did it not want me?

I was born to parents who were not prepared to raise a child. Consequently, I ended up in an orphanage, where I was cared for by Mother Ofelia. She told me that I was found in a basket, covered with a cheap blanket, and accompanied by a folded birth certificate issued from a local hospital near the orphanage. Although I knew the names of my biological parents, I never sought them out. If they didn't want to keep me then, why would they want me now?

Life in the orphanage wasn't difficult; Mother Ofelia and the staff became my family. However, I knew that I couldn't stay there forever. So, I worked hard in school, seizing the opportunities afforded to me by the orphanage. I was determined not to squander the chance for a better life. With the help of a scholarship funded by then-Governor, now Vice President Emilio Mendrez, I made my way through college. After graduating with a degree in Fine Arts, I moved to Manila in search of better opportunities.

Despite my newfound independence, I never forgot about Mother Ofelia and the orphanage. Even though they refused my offers of financial support, I remained steadfast in my commitment to help them. I knew that I could never repay the kindness they had shown me as a vulnerable child. Their support also served as a reminder that I couldn't allow myself to remain mired in despair.

Though it was challenging, I refused to stay down. I stood tall, even when the weight of grief threatened to crush me. I refused to let my past dictate my future, and instead, I forged ahead, determined to make something of myself.

Vicente died a week before our wedding. We had been on the cusp of everything we had ever dreamed of, our future stretching out before us like a canvas waiting to be painted with the colors of our love. But fate, in its cruel and capricious nature, had other plans. Fate wanted me alone and miserable.

Vicente became the one that got away, a haunting specter of what could have been, of the life we had imagined together but would never have the chance to live. At iyon ang hindi nila maintindihan.

"Oh, goodness, Nicole. Don't cry, honey, please..." Nag-aalalang sabi ni Donna bago muli akong lapitan hilahin pakulong sa kaniyang mga bisig. "Huwag ka nang umiyak kasi pati ako naiiyak! Ayaw na kitang nakikitang ganyan."

I didn't even realize tears were rolling down my cheeks just by thinking of Vicente. Pinahid ko iyong paalis atsaka nginitian silang pareho.

"Ayos lang ako," I cleared my throat, muli akong kumalas kay Donna para tumingin ng kung anong puwede kong i-offer sa kanila. May takeout ako kagabi na halos hindi ko naman nagalaw, inilagay ko lang iyong basta sa ref. "Nagugutom ba kayo? Mag-iinit ako ng makakain."

Nang balingan ko ang mga ito ay pareho silang nakamasid sa akin, nag-aalala. Totoong sinasarili ko lahat ng sakit, pero hindi ko naman bastang natatago iyon sa dalawang ito. They could see through me. Kaya grabe sila kung mag-alala.

Tahimik kaming tatlo, tinulungan lang nila akong mag-init ng kung anong puwedeng kainin. Wala ni isa sa amin ang nagtangka na mas ungkatin pa ang usapan at ipinagpapasalamat ko iyon. Hindi ko gustong bigla na lang umiyak dahil nakakapagod rin.

"Why don't you start dating again?" Donna suggested in the middle of our meal na para bang wala lang iyon. "I mean, it's been twoyears. It's high time you really move on. Hindi 'yung basta sinasabi mo lang."

Naririnig niya ba ang kaniyang mga sinasabi? Gusto kong mabuwisit pero wala naman iyong magagawa kaya hindi ko na lang siya pinansin at mas itinuon ang aking atensyon sa kinakain.

"Hindi masamang ideya 'yun, Niks," maingat na sabi ni Karla. She must've noticed my irritation, however subtle.

"Hindi nga, pero hindi ko rin gusto." Mariin kong sabi bago mag-angat ng tingin sa kanila. "Mahal ko si Vicente..."

"Nicole, hindi naman porke makikipag-date ka ay ibig sabihin makakalimutan mo na ang Kuya. Alam naman nating lahat na mahal mo siya, hindi naman na 'yun mababago pa. Kaya lang kasi, Niks, you're only twenty-five. There's so many things ahead of you. Pero ikinukulong mo ang sarili mo sa mga ala-ala niya. There was a reason why you survived that day, and it was because Kuya Cent wanted you to live. And this isn't living, Nicole. Kung natatakot ka na magmahal muli, normal 'yun. But don't let your fear limit you. What you had with Kuya Cent was something that you would cherish for the rest of your life. Sa tingin mo ba kung nakikita ka niya ngayon na ganyan ay matutuwa siya? Hindi. Niks, mag-aalala siya. Kagaya namin ni Donna, ni Mommy at Daddy. Hindi gugustuhin ni Kuya Cent na makikita kang ganyan. It's been twoyears... Hindi puwedeng habang buhay kang malungkot, Nicole. Kasi kung ganoon rin naman pala, his sacrifice would mean nothing." Karla didn't mince her words. Kumawala na ang lahat ng pagpipigil niya at lumabas na ang tunay niyang nararamdaman. Lahat ng pag-aalala niya sa akin.

I knew she was right that I shouldn't close my heart for another chance for love. But deep down, I knew I wasn't prepared. Two years had passed, yet the shattered pieces of my being remained scattered, far from being whole again. I hesitated to embark on a new romance, fearing that my unhealed wounds would only cause harm, both to myself and to any potential suitor. Hindi ko gustong makasakit dahil lang nasasaktan rin ako.

"Si Jake kaya," si Donna iyon sa mas pinasiglang tinig nang hindi ko pa rin kibuin ang sinabi ni Karla. Pilit nitong binuhay muli ang aming usapan. "Mabait naman 'yun at guwapo rin!"

Si Jake, kapwa ko illustrator sa publishing house. Totoo ang sinabi ni Donna, guwapo ito at mabait, at tahasan rin kung magpahayag ng pagkakagusto niya sa akin. Pero kaibigan lang talaga ang tingin ko rito, wala ng hihigit pa.

"He's a good friend," matipid kong sabi.

"Diyos ko, patay na patay sa'yo, yun!" Pumalatak si Donna.

"Nakausap ko na si Jake tungkol sa bagay na 'yan. Palagay ko naman ay malinaw na sa kaniyang magkaibigan lang talaga kami."

"Fine," she raised her hands in resignation. "Hindi ko na ipakikipagtalo pa sa'yo 'yang si Jake. But Nicole, sumama ka na sa amin sa Palawan. Ang dami mo ng utang sa amin ni Karla, ah! Dalawang birthday ko na ang namiss mo! Atsaka, wala ka naman gagastusin dahil all-expense paid ang trip. And take note sa Cameron Hotel and Resort! Hindi puchu-pucho! Luxury hotel, teh! Medyo maganda kasi ang naging pasok ng taon na ito talaga sa sister company ng publishing house na base sa New York kaya damay lahat sa blessing! Kaya sumama ka na! Sayang naman!"

"Pumayag ka na, Niks! Hindi ka rin sumama sa Bohol last year sa engagement party namin ni Josh!" Karla pouted, her gaze almost pleading. "Sige na, sumama ka na. Sasama si Josh at Harry!"

"Oh, 'di ba! Kaya sumama ka na din, Niks." Si Donna naman iyon. "Ikaw na naman ang kulang kung sakali!"

Joshua and Harry are their respective partners. Ayoko naman maging abala sa kanilang apat, noh. Kahit pa sabihing close rin ako kanila Harry at Joshua dahil matagal ko ng kakilala ang mga ito.

"Anong papel ko naman sa bakasyon na 'yan? Fifth wheel? Taga-picture, ganon?" Irap ko.

"Malay mo naman, doon mo pala makikita si Mr. Right," balewalang sabi ni Karla. Ito na naman ba kami? Wala nga akong makikita dahil wala naman akong balak maghanap.

"Ang icing sa ibabaw ng cupcake mo..." Kumanta pa talaga si Donna, ang korni.

Sinagad talaga nilang dalawa ang pamimilit nila sa akin at alam kong hindi nila ako balak tigilan anumang oras kaya pilit akong nagbigay ng half-hearted answer. "Bahala na. Pag-iisipan ko,"

Cameron Hotel and Resort, ilang beses ko na nga bang narinig iyan sa mga kuwento at nakita sa Facebook. Hindi naman nga siguro masama kung sasama ako.