Jacob

It was the right thing to do. My life was already fifty shades of fucked up unhappy place. Dragging Amy into it would only destroy another beautiful soul. There wasn't anything beautiful about my soul, even though I had to admit my exterior persona somehow orchestrated a different form. That's how I balanced the ugliness within me.

Amy, she was pure inside out, unabashed beautiful with those mesmerizing Hazel green eyes. But her soul was so vulnerable, so fucking clueless of the darkness around her. She kept searching for the person behind my mask, falling for the person who only survived in slivers somewhere deep within.

She was supposed to repulse from me. I gave her every goddamn opportunity to cower away from me, but she kept coming back to me. I showed the one I had become and the one who had painted his heart black. I showed the guy who could either be an object of guilty pleasure or wishful pain. I showed her how little I cared about feelings and emotions. But I failed miserably, every single time.

From the day I first felt her predatory look on me, even though she wasn't the one trapped to the wall. The day she first arrived in the college, I saw her accentuating me as if I had just given her the reason to be in this place. We did the same dance every time we stared into each other's eyes, predator and prey. One moment she was the predator, and I was the prey, then we switched roles.

Her eyes were the same set of eyes that once unleashed an incredible amount of passion in me. I had to paint the person who owned them. Back then, it was the desire. But now, the person with those eyes and the person who wished to paint them was different. The passion remained, but necessity and love replaced desire.

Her first touch so innocent yet so sinful. It took every punch of self-control to resist her kiss, only to lose it eventually as she tangled herself more into my chaos. I wish my yearning to be one with myself hadn't forced me to reach out to her. I still remembered that fucking day.

"You think I care about your kissing skills or any other skills that you exhibit to all your girls. It doesn't matter to me who you are, Jake or Jacob. All I ever wish to seek is you, the real you." Amy had given me her first kiss, had awarded me with my first true kiss. Everything we had after that felt so real and holy, even for a sinner like me.

Her hazel green eyes held mine with admiration. I wasn't quite ready to let her into my messed-up world. My world was tainted with regrets and lifelong remorse. I was convinced there was nothing left in me worth saving until she came into my life and made me believe otherwise.

"You're anything but broken. Do not ever call yourself broken." She was so firm in her deduction as if she believed in everything she said. I craved for traces of doubts in her eyes, but she showed none. That day I fell in love with Amy. My Amy, my savior, my hope, and the love I had craved for years.

Love, my father used to say, weakens us. It creates cracks in the armors of an undefeatable warrior. Love destroys even the strongest of men, Jacob. It either gives you a lifetime of delusional happiness or an eternal wound to bleed.

Amy made me believe those words were nothing but a lie.

And what did I end up doing? I hurt her knowingly. Every drop of her tears was like acid scalding my heart to the point it could never heal. But I had to do it. If she had even one chance to find something better than a hollow-shell like me, I would not strip her of that opportunity. Seb was that chance. I had seen the spark in his eyes, the need to protect her from my darkness. I had been angry and jealous of him, not because I wanted to be better than him. It was because I knew he was better in every sense.

Her lips quivered, and drops of tears rolled down her eyes. Those eyes stirred so many emotions within me, the ones I had shielded away so long. "Were you only there with me because I reminded you of Vanessa? The moments that we spent, those kisses, and the way you held me in your arms, all that time did you imagine Venessa? What if I had black or brown or any other color of eyes? Would you still look at me the same way? Or was it just my Hazel green eyes that you sought in me?"

'No, you remind me of myself, the boy who loved art and music. The boy who sought happiness. Even if it only ever came to him in bits and pieces. The moments we spent together were the only moments in my life when I truly lived with no guilt at the back of my mind. Every kiss we shared was worth all the pain I had gone through to be with you. And every time I held you in my arms, I felt like I was home. I would do anything to keep you safe in my embrace, to protect you from anyone who dares to hurt you, but I can't save you from me. And no matter what color of eyes you had, I would still fall for them. Because when I look into your eyes, I see hope, I see the truth, and I see the forgiveness I had been seeking all this time.' If I told her what I truly felt, there was no escaping for her. For once in my life, I didn't want to be selfish.

"Yes," those three letters sliced through my heart, leaving a forever scar in its wake.

"I don't believe you. Say that again, looking into my eyes. Did you always searched Vanessa in me?"

How could she still believe me? After I had so brutally wounded her heart, she wasn't supposed to show anything other than hatred towards me. Yes, hatred was the reason. I didn't want her to see the monster in me. Hell! I didn't want her to hate me for something far worse than heartbreak. "Yes, Amy."

The hurt on her eyes had shattered every holy thing which remained in any forgotten corner of my heart. My one reason for happiness, I had willingly let go.

I heard somewhere that I could love you but still let you go.

And she did what I knew she would do. She didn't show me her weakness. She let me let her go and made so fucking proud of her. My strong love. I knew she wasn't the weak and vulnerable one in our relationship. Ahe wasn't my weakness. She was my savior, my strength, and she deserved better.

I shut my cellphone down, tossed it on the passenger's seat, and let my forehead rest against the steering wheel. For hours, I had been searching the streets, looking for her. Even though I knew she was my strong girl, I couldn't stop my heart from making sure that she reached her dorm safely. I didn't think through this part of the scenario that second she was out of my sight; I would look for her even more.

There was only one person with whom I could share my inner turmoils. Anna, even after all the time I had spent without her, we shared a bond like no other. I spent an hour driving around the city aimlessly until I found myself heading to the cemetery. The pain in my heart amplified to an unbearable tempo, and it was more upsetting than before. Once again, the regret clawed on my soul as I secured the bottle of Jack Daniel's and a single white tulip from my car's trunk. I heaved a deep sigh remembering how agonizing it was to visit Anna's grave for the first time. I couldn't even see her for the last time. My heart cried every day to erase that final image of her, covered in blood, lifeless, and so distant.

I stared at the gravestone. There were green patches of grass and cornflower blooming around Anna's grave. I placed the white tulip on it, still holding the bottle of Whiskey, and fell to my knees. Anna Grace Lawrence: devoted friend, loving daughter, animal lover. I traced the carvings with my trembling fingers and released a shuddering breath.

"You know it was the right thing to do, Anna." I blinked away my tears. "I don't get to fall in love and live my happily ever after while I snatched it away from you. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that."

Goddammit!

"Here!" I raised the bottle of Jack Daniels in a toast, her favorite choice of drink. "I know there's nothing to celebrate except my unredeemable self, but if anything, I saved another soul from my darkness. Besides, you know I would have lost her sooner or later like every other person I loved in my life. At least, she still has a chance to find someone like your brother. Yes, both of you have an undying itch to fall for the girls I like. It's just that Amy isn't just someone I could give up so easily. She is rooted deep in my heart, and I think a part of her will always be here." I said, placing my palm over my heart.

I sat on my knees near her for a long time, knowing she would never respond to me, not even her scandalous curses. And the worse part was that I had snatched it away from myself.

"Since when did you start drinking?" Seb's voice cut through my reverie. I looked behind me with an almost displeased look on my face. He was the last person I wanted to see, not to mention looking at him reminded me of some disturbing images of him and Amy. Letting her go was one thing but living through the fact that she would be with someone else was something I still needed to work on. A muscle in my jaw twitched.

"You know I don't drink, not after..." I snapped my head back to Anna's grave. Seb's light footsteps approached me, and soon he was kneeling beside me. He placed a bouquet of white roses over the grave and patted it lovingly. I felt another sting in my heart.

"I knew you would be here after all the mess you have created today," he exhaled, snatching the bottle of Whiskey from my hand. "Anna once joked about your father's stash of exquisite liquor collection. She said the only reason she puts up with your brooding presence was that she got to drink expensive liquor without spending a single cent."

I chuckled at his words. It sounded exactly like something Anna would say. "I wonder how you know everything about me. It's creepy, and I certainly don't appreciate it."

"Jess told me, and I knew about your father's visit to your place. I didn't expect it to go that far." He said. Seb was tense around me. I didn't blame him. The feeling was mutual. Of course, Jess had a habit of being overprotective about everything. As if I was out on a rampage, although I felt like doing the same. Fuck! I wanted to kick his handsome face for claiming something which was mine. The only thing that stopped me from doing it was Amy. I didn't want to show her how much it hurt to let her go.

"You should be happy because that's what you wanted. All that regrets and yadda shit you kept saying paved its way. I guess you were fucking right about everything. I shouldn't have gone after Amy." My voice cracked as I said the last line. I shouldn't have, but I would do that again in a heartbeat.

He gulped another mouthful of the golden liquid before pouring a little near Anna's grave. "I only wanted to stop you from hurting her. I didn't know you would be the one getting hurt in return. She didn't deserve Jake, but you're hardly ever anyone other than Jacob when with her."

I shook my head and gave him a humorless laugh. "It doesn't matter. I already hurt her. I broke her heart and let her go. I thought Jacob was better than Jake, but both versions of me are fucked up, and none of them deserves Amy."

It had been a long time since I communicated with Seb, not like the way we were doing, not in front of Anna. Maybe, he forgave me and grew out of it so soon that it bridged the distance between us. The one person who served as any connection was no more there, and we both fell apart. He moved on, leaving me behind tangled among the web of my mistakes.

He didn't regard me with any response, which meant his disapproval. His silence was starting to piss me off. I stood up and brushed away the dirt from my knees. "I guess we've nothing else to talk about."

"If it makes you feel better," he said in a low voice. "Amy didn't kiss me back. I was the one who tried to kiss her forcibly. I'm glad that it never happened."

Seb's words made my insides boil with anger. I pulled him to his feet, fisting his shirt's collar, and punched him square on his cheek. The moment I realized where we were standing, I released him.

"I think I deserved it," he muttered, touching the tender skin of his cheek. I felt like beating the shit out of him for touching my Amy without her consent, but I knew Seb for years. He wasn't the kind of guy who would do something like that. "I was only trying to get her to admit that she's in love with you and both of you proved me right. You both love each other."

I took a step closer to him, meeting his eyes. "Whatever it is, you have nothing to do with who loves whom. You better treat Amy with respect if you ever cared for her. Otherwise, I'm going to break every bone in your body no matter where we stand."

He remained calm, his way of affirmation that we were cool. We stared into each other's eyes before I turned around to leave.

"The only way to move on is to forgive and forget. Although the latter one is difficult, you can still work on the first. Forgive yourself, Jacob. It's the only way out." Seb's words boomed in my mind as I walked out of the cemetery and left him standing there.

Was I unreasonable? Could I ever forgive myself and move out of the guilt anchored deep in my soul?

But one thing was clear I wouldn't allow Amy to suffer with me.