Sinubukan kong hanapin yung diary ko.

Ever since ipinanganak yung kapatid kong si Anton, nagshashare na kami ni Nina ng kwarto. And ever since then, I tinatago ko na ng mabuti yung mga personal items ko. Chismosa kasi yung batang yun, kaya sinigurado ko na hindi niya mahahanap yung diary ko.

And dahil konti lang yung braincells ko, nakalimutan ko kung saan ko 'yon tinago.

Stupid.

Matagal na akong hindi nagsulat sa diary; naubusan na siya ng space e.

Ngayon, hindi na ako nagsusulat ng diary. Pero minsan, hindi ka mapigilan yung sarili kong ma-miss ito. Satisfying kasi magsulat sa papel dyornal; na-mimiss ko yung pakiramdam na nakukuha ko mula sa paglabas ng emosyon sa pahina.

It was my safe haven. A secret letter to myself. A place where I poured all my feelings out.

My diary. My personal private blog. My thoughts in words.

Atleast, it used to be.

It wasn't private anymore.

May naramdaman akong galit mula sa dibdib ko, pero hindi ko ito pinansin. Pwinersa kong itong maglaho.

'Wag kang magpadala sa galit, Aya.

"Kakain na tayo", Nina announced, poking her head into the room. Her pencil stuck out from her messy black bun. "Yung favorite mo niluto ni mama."

The diary can wait.

I quickly jogged downstairs and joined mama and Nina at the dining room, our baby brother, Anton, was eating away in a highchair near us. A laptop was placed at the head of the table, it's charger a slithering snake on the grey tiles.

The smell hit me as soon as I stepped foot in the white room.

"Sinigang!", I cheered, quickly helping my mom set the table. I hummed a song from an anime while I grabbed three plates and three sets of utensils.

Mama rolled her eyes but didn't say anything.

The laptop suddenly rang with a video call and Nina answered it. Dad's smiling face flashed on the screen. He looked tired, but as soon as he saw us, his dark brown eyes lit up with joy.

My heart and lips twicthed slightly.

Suot niya yung binili kong sweater.

"Hi papa", Nina said, waving and smiling. "Hehehe matching tayo." She pointed enthusiastically at her black shirt.

Wow kunware mabait.

"Musta kayo diyan?", he asked, yawning. He sank into his fluffy white pillows and smiled slightly.

Morning sa kanila; sunlight drifted into the room from the window beside Papa. Mukhang tumanda na si Papa ng konti, may mga maliliit na buhok na tumutubo sa baba niya.

"Okay lang kami, Papa."

"Yung academics ninyo?"

"Ok yung sa aken. Pero si ate nag fail sa quiz niya kanina."

Traydor ka talaga.

"Na-injure kasi ako kaya hindi ako naka-focus" ,I protested, placing a pitcher of water on the table. I gave Nina a threatening look that said 'Lalagyan ko ng gagamba yung higaan mo mamaya'. "Plus mahirap yung quiz na yun."

"Ah ganon ba?", Papa yawned again.

Kulang ata ng tulog.

"Papa", Nina suddenly perked up, grinning smugly.

"Oh?"

"May boyfriend na si ate."

I choked on the water I was drinking and I started coughing uncontrollably.

"Nina—!"

"Sino?"

"Si kuya Liam!"

"Uhhh..." Papa was looking at mama with uncertainty. "Hon, kaninong anak yun?"

"Kay Marites anak", my mom said, sitting down next to Nina. Her eyes were narrowed ay me. "Yung batang pumupunta sa bahay dati."

Shit.

"Ah yung kalaro niya noon?"

"Oo."

"Gwapo yung batang yun—'

"ANYWAY!", I intervened, before they could embarrass me any further. "Mag pray na tayo."

Ay wow banal ka gurl?

Nina snickered and Mama glared at her. I kicked her underneath the table. The 10-year-old let out a yelp and sent me a death glare before joining the prayer.

The dinner went by with them talking about Liam. I died of embarrassment.

Atleast masarap yung pagkain.

~

"Aha!"

I exclaimed, grinning in triumph as I pulled out the diary from inside my pillow. Strands of my dyed brown hair falling on my face.

"Weirdo", Nina muttered, sitting cross- legged on the bed beside me, her art supplies scattered around her. She was munching on a biscuit as she worked.

Ignoring her, I flipped through the pages and sighed when I saw my cursive handwriting na parang spaghetti.

The diary started out as a way to remember things. Ibinigay ito sa akin noong dito pa naninirahan yung pinsan ko. Back then, kaming dalawa yung naghuhugas ng plato. Most of the time ako yung naghuhugas dahil nakalimutan ko na turn na ni Kuya Brixs, kaya sa mga unang pahina ng diary nakasulat doon kung kailan ako naghugas.

Turns out, sinungaling si Kuya Brixs at ayaw na ayaw niyang manghugas.

I was flipping past pages covered with drawings when something suddenly fell out and fluttered to my bed

An old piece of paper neatly folded.

My letter to Liam.

Strings. Strings pulled out my heart. Taking my hand and dragging me back to the past that I longed to go back to.

A past that I missed.

A past where Liam's path and mine were closely intertwined.

A past that was now just a memory.

A painful one.

I picked it up, my heart hammering into my ribs.

'Dear Li,
     I'm sorry na binomba ko bahay mo sa Minecraft, may creeper kasi hindi ko napatay. I like playing with you and I  like you. Nalulungkot ako dahil sinabi mo na lilipat kayo ng bahay.

      Nakakatakot yung papa mo. Para siyang Enderman. Akala mo mabait pero hindi pala.

      Sana next time we can play spin the bottle again kasama si Mia at Nina. Hinahanap ka ni Nina. Crush ka ata niya.

Love (eWWW),
Li2'

Sadness tugged at my heart.

Hindi ko ito naibigay sa kanya.

It was at the time he and his mom moved to his Lola's house to get away from his abusive and alcoholic dad.

Naalala ko na grabe yung iyak ko noong dumating yung papa niya sa bahay namin habang naglalaro kami ng tumbang preso. Sa grabe ng galit niya, sinuntok niya si Liam. Nakita ito ng mama ko at tinawag niya sa telepono yung mama niya. Grabe yung iyak ko habang kinuha ni papa (hindi pa siya nag abroad) si Liam mula sa papa niya. Sinabihan niya ako na tumago kami ni Liam.

A memory tugged at my mind.

But I couldn't remember what happened after that.

A week later, the Fernandez family moved away from our neighborhood.

And our friendship ended.

They moved back last year when Liam's father was finally put behind bars for selling drugs, but I never went to visit.

Because he was a different Liam.

He was a new Liam.

Umupo ako sa higaan, sighing sadly while staring at my nickname on the letter.

Li2.

Yung orihinal na pangalan ko ay Ligaya . 'Aya' for short.

Liam started calling me Li2 or Lito instead of Aya when I called him 'Li'.

Pangit ng mga nickname, noh?

Bata pa kami e.

But after he moved away, he never called me that again. And as much as I hated the nickname (parang pangalan ng lalaki e) I missed it.

I missed him too.

I groaned and buried my face into the pillow, hugging the diary close to my chest.

Bat ganon? Of all people, why Liam?

Liam, the kid who loved Science. The kid who wanted to join the school Dance Troupe when he got to highschool.

The kid who planted flowers all around his Minecraft house.

Why did he have to go through all that?

I sighed, tucking my diary back into my pillowcase, my heart aching and throbbing inside my chest. I stared at the white ceiling of the room, my thoughts a walk away.

Puti yung ceiling namim.

Kasing puti ng snow.

At yung snow, kasing cold ni Liam.

And that Liam hated me now.

I covered my hands on my face and whimpered softly.

Ano kaya kung maging ceiling nalang ako?

Tutal pareho naman kaming flat.

"And weird mo ngayon, Ate." Nin's voice drifted from the other side of the wardrobe (which served as a make-shift divider for our room). "Hindi naman first time mong mag fail sa quiz."

"Shut up", I said, glaring at her. Nina chukcled and continued to work on her project.

Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I chatted Mia.

'MIAAAAAAA', I texted, making sure to add a lot of crying emojis.

'wHat', she replied almost instantly.

'send me screenshots.'

'huh? Answers sa assignment?'

'profile ng catfish. Pero pwede rin yun hehehe'

':P'

4 photos followed. My gut twisted in disgust.

I opened my recently downloaded Instagram app and checked 'my' profile using my art account (that I rarely opened).

I pressed her profile.

It didn't open.

I was blocked.

Paano nalaman ng catfish yung art account ko?

A strange, sickening feeling formed in my gut as I created a new account.

I scrolled through the catfish's profile.

All the photos had no comment section but atleast 10-40 likes. 153 followers and only a few following, mostly just my friends and—

Oh no.

I hastily counted them.

Most of my crushes since Grade 5.

The door suddenly opened and mom gave me a look.

Shit.

"Aya may bisita ka."

Huh?

Nina snickered, giving me a teasing look. She formed a heart with her hand and made kissing faces. "Sino ma? Si kuya Liaaaam?"

I threw a pillow at her and she dodged, laughing. Mom sighed, rubbing her forehead. She looked tired. It seems that hiring a Yaya to take care of Anton still wasn't enough to give Mama enough rest.

"Yung kaibigan mo nandoon sa sala. Si Will."

My heart dropped.

William Nico Yu.

One of my closest friends sa squad namin ni Mia. A pianist and a joker.

A carefree boy who was at the top his class at his school.

My former classmate.

And my crush for the first two years of Junior Highschool.

I wanted to expect the best, that he just came by to say hi or invite me to a party or a movie. But knowing his love for spamming the group chat, and how far his house was.

Something was wrong.

Anger rose inside me.

Sana mali ako. But my gut was telling me

That this was about the catfish.