"So that's it then, the President handled everything?"  Mac asked as he reviewed the documents.

"Well not everything, that files still exists...but yes in a few short weeks the man moved mountains and luckily no one had caught on yet to all the movement, time was critical, but he pulled it off.  I have to say even I am impressed, but then again he had the resources to get it done."

"So now we wait to see if his plan worked..."

"It will work.   I have no doubt, the man was determined to shut them down.   We have no idea how many more we missed but we are banking on the theory that without a head the body will die...we just have a few more heads to eliminate."

Ian and an unknown were still remaining.  Pulling the file across the bed so I can read it yet again an uneasiness settled in my stomach.   The thought of hunting down my non-dead husband left me numb.  I didn't know how to feel about all of this.  Honestly with the rate we were moving there was no time to process anything and I feared the time when that could happen.

"Okay enough of this.  We have a few short hours until all hell breaks loose.   Come here and lay down."  Mac tossed the folder to the chair next to the bed.   He snagged me, curling me into his body and just held me.   I loved how he just knew what I needed and when I needed it.   Hence why an hour ago when we return, he took one look at me after the debriefing and pulled me upstairs.   He knew I needed quiet, space to think, and he gave me that without a second thought.  

Sighing I turned more into him as his arms tightened.   My nose was tucked into his neck as the smell of his cologne calmed my senses.  I needed it.   He was right, all hell was going to break loose soon enough.

"Those poor families...they have no idea that that a loved one was just sentenced to die, granted they are paying for their crimes...but still they don't know that."  I don't know why I said that but it has been weighing heavily on my mind.  All these people completely unaware of the shit storm coming their way, completely left in the dark.  

"What about your family?   How did they react when you were classified as KIA? They must have missed and mourned you...how did they cope?  Did you ever check in on them over the years?"

Instinct had me out of his arms and across the room before he could grab me.   Agitated I paced in front of the window before I had to physically force my body to stop.  More questions, ones I didn't want to answer.  Why did he need answers. What was the big deal about knowing someone's past. I mean I didn't pry into Mac's, he gave that information up freely and spoke about his childhood often. I didn't ask for it so why is he?

"Jules baby, talk to me.  What's wrong, let me help you, let me in for once.   A man can only go up against the twenty foot steel enforced concrete wall that you have surrounding yourself so many times.   I can't keep climbing it, you have to throw me a rope or at least open a window."

"Christ Mac you never let up.  Fuck you are relentless.  Isn't it enough that to have me in yours arms.  FUCK what do you expect from me? Why all the questions...all the time why this and why that...fuck!" I wasn't sure why I was getting so upset but I couldn't stop myself.

"It's called getting to know someone, Christ Juliette even a simple question about your family has you running scared and you are scared, but of what I have absolutely no fucking idea.   Other than your military abilities I know almost NOTHING about you.  Shit I don't even know how old you are or...you know what never mind, keep you goddamn secrets, hopefully they will keep you warm at night."

I have seen Mac mad before, but this time it was different. Completely different. I heard him as he moved about the room behind me.  Putting his boots back on and tugging on this vest.  It wasn't until he reached the door that a new kind of feeling hit me...panic. My chest contracted as the panic consumed me. I could barely hold it in as a whimper flittered out of my lips. Sheer panic that if I continued to push this man out the door he would never come back.  

But it took the sound of the door opening before I could get any words out.

"I don't have any..." I whispered in a panic. My breath catching as I did so.

The sound of him moving stopped.  But he didn't say anything and I knew he wouldn't.  It was my turn to toss him a rope.

"I never did.   Orphan.  Left at a military base of all places.  Ironic but true.  I was only days old."

The door quietly closed as soft footsteps made their way back to the bed where Mac sat back down.  I could see his movements in the reflections of the window but I didn't turn around.  I couldn't face him. Not now, especially since the proverbial flood gates had opened and I couldn't stop the words from flowing out.

"No record of my mother or father.   Twelve different foster homes in eighteen years, a few good but most were bad, real bad.  I ran away several times...for protection and safety.    I was a small girl so I made an easy target." I paused as I gathered my thoughts on how to continue, what to say. How did one summarize the fucked-upness of what was my childhood.

"I was labeled as a problem child early on but not for the right reasons. There was some abuse, physical and emotional but nothing broke me so I guess that's good. The only thing that kept me sane was school. My world seemed okay when I had my head in a book. So much so that I graduated high school when most were beginning it.   Since I was a ward of the state no one knew what to do with me or where to put me – all I knew was that I just wanted out, knowledge was my way out. And I was right. Especially when Kenneth Dawson showed up."

I leaned my head against the cool window as past memories flittered through my mind.   In the beginning they were mostly bad, but then there was some good ones filtered in over the years.

"I stole his car, hotwired it.   I didn't really need it, I was just bored and read a book about cars.   Thought I would test out what I learned.  I was fourteen at the time and the home I was in wasn't the worst but it wasn't the best either.  So I read anything I could get my hands on, the man of the house was a mechanic. His truck was parked in a side alley so I figured why not, better than going home.   He caught me red handed and called the police.   Things changed from there - that is once he read my file from CPS."

And man did they change, not immediately but within a few short weeks.

"I was tested immediately, had a 150 IQ with a photographic memory as well.   The military took an interest, especially since I had no parents to stand in their way, Dawson took care of that.   No more homes from that point, just one.   I lived on base in one of the small family units, attended classes both military and college.  Since I was underage I couldn't train but I still did, it was hard to keep me from doing so.   Even that young I could hit a mark better than most of the soldiers and I never touched a gun until Dawson gave one to me – a natural he told me.  And I thrived.   Thrived in learning and in the training.   To me it was fun, amusing...at least it was at that point."

Those were the good years.   I was no longer the troubled foster kid, instead I was focused and hungered to learn any and all things.   My young brain soaked up information faster than normal.   For once in my life I had stability and was given the chance to learn anything I wanted.  

"Life was good and then it got better...I met a young man, Ian.   He was Navy but was doing specialty training on our base.   And I never met anyone more charismatic and fun that him.   His presence alone was larger than life and everyone loved him instantly.  Including a genius seventeen year old girl, who many forgot was still a girl.   He became my everything, same for him."

At least I hope in the beginning it wasn't a lie.  We were so young and in love.   Because of my age we had to keep things under the radar but Dawson knew.   As long as we didn't flaunt our relationship he let us be.   Now I wonder if he had plans even then.   Was it all just a lie?

"At eighteen I joined up.  I had my college degree and knew more military history and protocol than most Generals.   Dawson was a Coronal by then and still watched out for me.   Ian was gearing up to become a SEAL so we spent sometimes apart but that didn't matter.   I was legal now so we could openly be together, we got together when we could.  Talked every day and our love grew.    I finally had everything I could have ever dreamed for.   I career I loved, a family with Dawson and love...with Ian.   Not bad for a girl left out in the cold, unwanted by her mother.  I considered myself lucky."

It was the happiest time in my life.   The Dawson's became a surrogate family of sorts.   I went to his home in the beginning, holidays, birthdays and family BBQ's.   He included me in his family functions, filling a void I never knew I had.  He was the first constant presence I had ever had in my life.  I looked up to him as a father figure.   He taught me everything he could and if he didn't know if found someone who did.   I honestly don't know where I would have ended up without him.  

And then things begin to change, he changed.

"About two years after basic, Dawson began to grow distant.   I was a member of his elite team at this point.  Hell the man was training me for years so even though I was young I was lethal.   But something happened and I don't know what.  It drove me crazy as to why our once strong bond was growing weaker.   He kept me at arm's length and at the time I chalked it up to him being promoted.   He couldn't show favoritism at least that is what I told myself at the time.   Now I am not so sure."

There was a part of me that now believed this was when the Raptor organization got their claws in him.   Although Dawson wasn't but a pawn used to move pieces around, he was still a pawn.   He did what he was told and covered his tracks.   At least that was my newest theory.   I was still digging into it, but I had a feeling it was just one question I was never going to answer. 

"Ian and I married a couple years later.   And for a short time I had the Dawson I knew back.  He walked me down the aisle and gave me away.  His family was present, sitting in the spot reserved for my family.   Things were normal for a while.  And then the mission's began...the rest you know."

Still tense, I had to make a conscious effort to release my hands that were gripping the window ledge.   My knuckles were white and my fingers tingled as I flexed them.   That was the third time I have ever told anyone my history and it had left me a bit uneasy.   The first was Ian and the second was Harley.   I wasn't sure how I felt about Mac being part of that group.    

What I did know is that I couldn't let him walk away, not again.   I promised myself I was going to try.   And I was...at least I thought I was.  

Lost in thought my body flinched when arms gently surrounded me, pulling me tight against his large warm chest.  His lips caressed my ear as he continued to hold me, silently.  And I was okay with that.   I didn't really want him to say anything right now...he was doing exactly what I needed him to do.  

That was until his arms dipped down and scooped up my body and he carried me to the bed.  With one arm he pulled back the covers and gently laid me down, his body following.   As I tucked up into him I noticed his chest was bare.   When did he take his stuff back off?  Realizing it wasn't important I pushed that thought aside and focused on everything that just happened.

A part of me was relieved and another part of me was terrified.   Would he still want me now that he knew how unwanted I really was?    Hell even my own mother didn't want me.   Or any of the adoption applicants or the numerous foster parents.  

Only Ian and Dawson, but now that was tainted.   How much of it was real?   Or was I a means to an end for Dawson.  It wasn't a secret that I advanced his career and made him look good.   And now looking back did he use me for that purpose only or did he truly care for me?   Everything that I valued and held dear at one point was called into question.   Those happy memories tarnished with doubt and that was slowly eating away at me. 

"I've got you Jules.   You are not alone.    You have me.  You have Harley.  And even the Renegades have grown to...well like you, I think you still scare the hell out of most of them but you still have them.  We are all one big fucked up, dysfunctional, family.   But we are yours if you would just let us in."

As his words resonated I realized that I still had far to go, but the most important thing was that I was willing to go there now.   My sexy biker was right, again.   But I wasn't going to let him know that.   Plus I would need time with this sharing my life stuff.   Hopefully Mac wouldn't expect miracles overnight.   But at least now I could talk to him, maybe even answer his questions.

"April 13th"

"What about it?"  He whispered as he tilted my head back so our eyes could meet.

"My birthday, April 13th.  I will be 34 this year."

A smile graced his lips seconds before they touched mine.  

And in that minute my fear lessoned a tiny bit more.