"Soooo..."

"What?"

"Oh you know what, spill the juicy details sister!" Harley shouted as she punched my shoulder.

"You are crazy you know that right?"

"Well yeah that's a given but there is not enough time in the day to dive into that mess, I want to know about Mac. You two have been inseparable all week, well when you are not trying to take down a secret anit-military organization that is. Are you finally giving the big man a chance?"

"Christ you are not going to let up until I talk are you?"

"Uh no." She replied not at all sounding insulted.  That was one of the many things I loved about Harley.  She was relentless.  And I knew this because this was the tenth time this week we have had this conversation, or one like it.   Harley on my case about Mac and Ian and well basically everything.   

"Fine. Things are...good. Mac understands my boundaries and I know his. As long as we stick to them things are good."

"Fuck Nix...boundaries. What are you two plots of land? What does that even mean?" She joked.

"Funny, smart ass. Look Harley you know how I am. I am trained to kill, anything else just...doesn't work."  Man did I sound like one fucked up person.  

"Bullshit. That is just a coward's answer. And you are no coward so don't spew that bullshit to me. If you're fucking scared just say so."

Bitch.   Like I said she was relentless.  

I hated that she could see through my bullshit. She always did, even from the first time I met her. And she just wasn't going to let this go. But it sucked to be called out on it. Maybe I didn't want to face what I was feeling, did she ever think about that?

"Of course I am fucking scared, I know that. The last man I loved tried to kill me...Christ how much more fucked up can you get!"

"Oh suck it up already. Boo hoo. How long are you going to play that card, huh? Because frankly it's getting old. Ian was a bastard, sure – no argument there. What he did was the worse anyone could do, again not going to disagree. But MAC...IS...NOT...IAN. That man has more integrity, strength, loyalty and any other word you find on military seal to describe him. Stop punishing him for someone else's mistakes...and more importantly stop punishing yourself."

"Harley..." She really needed to stop.

"No...if you learn anything from my fucked up life, learn this. Let it go. Move on and find your peace. Turning yourself into the female version of Rambo will not absolve you for your fucking ex's sins. And do you know why...because you have nothing to be absolved from. You didn't push that button Nix. You didn't kill all those men and you didn't kill your men. That is on him, not you. Stop putting that on your shoulders and allow yourself to finally be free from that guilt. It has no place"

I stood still, stunned speechless. Because this time her words finally penetrated. Was that what I was doing? Yes I felt guilty.  I failed at so many things.   Protecting my country - I trusted him and he betrayed me. Then my marriage - I loved him and he destroyed me.  And my team  and all those dead soldiers - I tried to protect them but he killed them.   So of course I felt guilt but also shame and disappointment.  

And then I realized that the common factor in all those thoughts was the word he.   It wasn't me that was the cause of all these things I just reaped the devastation from them.   He was.  It was his choices, actions and decisions that are to blame and Harley was right.  Christ was I blind.

It was like a window opened and the suffocating air that always surrounded me finally flittered right out, leaving me feeling freer than I have in a long time.

Dammit I love my friend.

She was either a genius or I was a fucking moron.

"You know I am right so stop staring at me like I have two heads. You are not what you portray yourself to be. You are more than a killing machine. You have one of the biggest hearts I know, you are just terrified to let anyone in it. I get it, I do.  But I am telling you to stop. Stop fighting your feelings, stop pretending you don't love him and just for once in your life let someone love you...all of you.  You tried to tell me all of this months ago, but I was too fucked up to listen.  I am begging you not to make the same mistake.  Listen to me.   Let your past go.   Trust Mac and follow your heart."

"Harley, but-"

"Really. God you are stubborn.  Fine then - Did Ian really know you the way Mac does? The answer to that is no by the way.  I have only been back for a little while but even I see the change in you.   He makes your face brighten up, even on the suckiest days.   I could never imagine Ian taking the time to make you dinner or running you a bath, not from what you have told me about him.    Your husband and you shared a military marriage and great sex.   It was centered on your lives as soldiers. But did the man really know you? Did he try to take care of you the way Mac does, the way a woman should be taken care of regardless if she is a badass killing machine?  Would that man ever cuddle you in your big fluffy purple bed with 35 pillows? Hell would he buy you more like Mac did? I doubt it."

Christ she was right again. Right about everything.   Ian and I never really lived outside of the military. Hell all of our marriage was spent on deployment or on bases in the housing they provided for married couples .  And even then the units were furnished and very bare. We never hung photos or decorated to our likings because we usually were never there long enough to make it worth while.   We never picked out bedding or painted a wall . White towels, white sheets and white walls - nothing with any of our individual personal tastes. Just simple and basic.

That was us. Simple and basic.   

He never got the chance to see the inner colorful me. The one with the purple bedroom and yellow kitchen. Hell come to think of it most of my rooms were decorated in different color schemes. I loved color. Looking back, my life with Ian had no color.  No life or personality.  It was all black and white.  How did I never see that?

"Fuck when did you get so smart?"

"Therapy is a bitch but that shit really works. And trust me I have had months of therapy to draw from.   Bottom line, do you want the past to continue controlling your future? It took me months to get to the answer no...please don't take that long. Stop letting your past guilt and fear control your future. Go grab what you deserve – a future with the man you love and who loves you. Don't live with that regret. If you ever trust me on anything...trust me on this."

At that moment I felt sorry for my friend. Lately I was beginning to understand her actions more and more. Hugging Harley, I kissed her cheek as I thanked her for her hard learned lesson. I didn't need months to get to my answer. My answer was comfortably relaxing in my theater room with the guys watching a movie. And I wasn't going to pass him up.

As I quietly made my way to him, I climbed over his propped up feet and relaxed against him on the couch.

A couch that was red. In fact the whole room was pretty much red.

Color...I was surrounded in color and I never realized it until now.

And maybe the reason I never realized it was because something was missing.  Or someone.

I leaned up and kissed a surprised Mac on the lips. His confused look almost had me laughing out loud but I got it, these were not my normal actions. He wasn't used to me showing him affection in front of the guys, but I didn't care anymore. Screw them if they can't handle it.   And if anyone dares to tease me about it I will just shoot them. 

Seeing the unshed tears in Harley's eyes woke me the fuck up once and for all. I heard the pain in her voice and the sorrow in her eyes. I didn't want that to be me, not when I could help it.   So I decided to listen...really listen to my friend as she shared what her months of therapy taught her.  It was a lesson well learned but she lost something truly important in the process.   And now that something had moved on from her.  

I didn't want Mac to become what Axel was to Harley.   I couldn't watch him with another woman knowing that could have been me in his arms.  

So I decided to take my wise friends hard earned advice. It was time that I stopped running from my feelings for the man tucked next to me. It was time for me to lean on someone else and allow them to love me. Because I knew...if I fell, Mac would be there to catch me.

And although he usually wore the color black, he made all the colors in my life shine only brighter.

He was the shining sun to my phoenix...