"So you're finally done finding yourself?"  I said with a smile. 

"Shut the fuck up.  I was a work in progress, but yes my mental stability is about as good as yours."  Harley replied.

"Well then you are fucked because even I question my sanity most days.   But seriously it is good to have you back.   A lot has changed."

"No shit.   Your McMansion has been turned into the Ritz Carlton.  Bikers have become mercenaries and from the stories damn good ones at that.   Agents have overtaken your ballroom.  And Timmons looks seconds away from having a stroke.   I leave and all hell breaks loose."

It was good to have my friend back.   I guess when they say better late than never holds true.     Harley and I had spent the afternoon catching up and it was the best feeling I have had in a long time.  But at the same time I felt horrible.   My friend struggled immensely.   As I listened to her words I finally knew how momentous that struggle really was. 

But she came out on the other side. 

We talked about everything.   Her finally admitting the need to see a therapist.   The Renegades transformation.   Her struggle with prescription meds.   My struggle with accepting help.    Her getting closure on her past.    Axel.  Mac.  

For hours we laid in bed, holding hands as we bared our souls to each other.   I couldn't explain it or even understand it.   The connection that Harley and I shared was just one of those magical things.   She was the sister I never had.   That connection was the reason I tried to make more out of our friendship.  I could lower my walls around Harley and she never judged me.   I was safe with her as she was safe with me.   Our bond grew, I pushed for more but thankfully before I destroyed the only pure thing in my life I realized my mistake.     What we had was special and for a short time I convinced myself that it could be more.   And I almost lost my best friend.  

But now laying here with her, listening to her words I was thankful that I had her back. 

"And you're here to stay right?  No more running?"

"Yes Nix, I am here to stay.   I need my family and you are my family."

Rolling over I gathered my friend in my arms and we held on.   Tears dampened my cheeks as my friend sobbed into my neck.   Years of pent up emotions pouring out.   I was ecstatic that my friend survived and was once again whole.   She deserved to find her happiness and at one point I thought it was Axel.  If I was honest I still believed that, but he was happy with Maggie.  She was good for him and the Renegades accepted her.   Hell I actually liked the woman and couldn't find one fault against her other than she wasn't Harley.   And I knew my friend struggled with that.  She still loved him but she was going to let him go because his happiness meant more than hers.   I tried to argue but she wouldn't have it.  

"I missed my window Nix and it was necessary.   I had a lot going on, adding a relationship would not have been good.   Mac said he was happy.   This woman was good for him and he even changed his ways for her.  She did something I couldn't and that proves he is with the right woman.   My happiness is still out there and I will find it one day.  Until then know I am here."

Did I say it was good to have my friend back?

"Now about Mac..."

Ok I retract that last part.

###

The next day was filled with questions and more questions as the Agents and Timmons tried to piece together the Raptor organization.   The ballroom wall now served as one gigantic evidence board.   And as I sat their chiming in every now and then with more details, my eyes continued to hover back to that damn wall.   Traitor #12, as we labeled him, haunted me.   I knew that smile like I knew my own.   Since I began to piece everything together I knew in the back of my mind that one day I would have to face him again.   During my hunt I was able to push those thoughts to the back of my mind but now as his photo stared back at me, reality set in.  

He was alive. 

My husband was alive. 

He didn't die from that blast, but lived...continuing on with his chosen path.   I couldn't wrap my head around it.  How the man I once loved could be a part of all this.   For the last several years, how many lives de he have a hand in destroying.   Lives of fellow soldiers who swore to protect this great country, but died by the hand of one of their own.   It made me sick.   Hatred I didn't know possible consumed me.   And I couldn't let it go.  

Up until a few weeks ago, his death still plagued my conscious.   That a man that shared my bed, my life...was able to deceive me so greatly.   A man I pledged my love to had tried to kill me, when just days before we made love.   The woman and the soldier in me were at a stalemate.   One hated him and one loved him.   Survivor guilt almost tore me apart.   But the soldier in me won out.  

And now that fucking picture sat their mocking me.  And once again all those feelings surfaced. 

"...do you agree Major?"

Shaking my head, I wiped my hand down my face.  I was distracted and it was showing.   The table quieted at my actions and I hated that.

"My apologies, can you repeat that Timmons."

A foot gently hooked around mine, pulling my leg closer until a large hand rested on my knee.   The movement was quick and hidden, but that little gesture was all I needed for my mind and body to calm.   Tilting my head, I flashed a brief smile Mac's way.   Even when I have all but ignored him he still had my back.   And before my guilt about my treatment of this amazing man could creep up on me, his hand squeezed my thigh, silently letting me know that things were okay between us.   Oh we still had a shit ton to talk about, like my once again disappearing act, but I knew he understood.   Christ I needed to stop being such a bitch to him.   Harley was right, Mac got me.   He didn't want to change me, just wanted to be included in my life.  

My fears were unwarranted.   He wasn't Ian and I needed to stop painting them with the same brush.  In Harley's words, I needed to woman up and admit that I loved him and needed him.  It didn't make me weak and he wouldn't betray me.   His love was genuine. I needed to trust in that.

She was right and wasn't going to let me hide from this.    Love scared me.   I could fight some of the baddest motherfuckers alive without so much as blinking, but Mac...yeah that was a different type of war.   One that raged only within my body and the only true enemy was myself.   My feelings for him were one situation I was not trained or prepared for.   Hell the last chance I took almost killed me...and that wasn't an exaggeration.

Looking over to Mac my body warmed as his eyes caught mine and the corner of his lips tilted just a bit. His had was now caressing my thigh, the touch was soothing and I liked that. In fact I liked everything about Mac.

I liked his smile and his laugh.

I liked the way his face gentled whenever he looked at me.

I liked the way he touched me like I would break, even though we both know I could take him in a fight.

I liked how he had this uncanny ability to read me like no other.

I liked how in private he treated me like a lady but in a crowded room he stood behind the soldier I was trained to be.   I liked how he never questioned my ability or determination, just my execution (and that was only when I went off alone).  

Hell I even liked his stubbornness and bossiness.     

And if I was being honest, I especially liked the way he controlled every aspect in the bedroom, whether he was making love to me or fucking my brains out.   In my day to day life, there wasn't many scenarios where I could totally let my guard down, but during those times when Mac and I were alone, those walls ceased to exists.   It was like he had this super power that turned me into a giggling, blushing school girl that loved having all his attention.  

I guess that was what scared me most.  When we were in the moment I loved the way Mac made me feel, but then later I would second guess myself...who was this woman?   I was never like that with Ian.   I don't think he ever made me giggle like Mac did and I sure as hell never blushed around him.   Ian didn't want the woman he wanted the soldier...he got off on it.   But I wasn't only one thing – soldier or woman.  

I was both.

And it was Mac who made me realize that.   Which was another think I liked about him.  

Dammit did the man have to be so perfect.    

###

"So you want to share with me where you went to during the debriefing?"  Did I mention that I also lov-liked his voice!  Dammit what the hell was wrong with me?

"Nothing Mac, just a lot on my mind."  Yeah like letting him take me upstairs so he could erase all those things.

"Jules, baby...stop lying to me and yourself."  Mac reached out and tugged me until my body was plastered against his.   With a quick glance around the room I sighed in relief to see we were all alone.   I don't know why but it still bothered to have the guys see me and Mac together...but it wasn't because I was embarrassed.  In fact...I wasn't really sure why, but I couldn't think about that now.

Did I mentioned I also liked being in his arms...ugh!

"Christ I can see that amazing brain of yours going haywire.   Jules baby you need to relax.  Talk to me."  He pleaded.

I also liked when my tough and rough biker got all gentle and protective, like now.   It did squishy things to my insides and that made me want to sink further into his hold, which is exactly what I did.

For several moments we just stood there, his arms around me, my cheek to his broad chest listening to his heart me.  The tension I didn't know I held started to drain out of me as his hand lightly massaged my back.   It was moments like this that the outside world faded away and only Mac and I remained.  

It was perfect.  

"Hey lovebirds, get your assess moving, Timmons needs you in the command center."  Harley called out from the doorway before departing.  

And then it was gone...see perfect didn't last forever...