Haven't fucked a girl ever. Almost got fucked by a man. It was in Mammoth. Mid 90's. I was working as a raft guide on the Kern and somebody told me I should check out Mammoth so I was up there checking it out. There was a show playing at the park that I was checking out. Ska. There was this black dude in the crowd and we started talking. He said his name was Mo, which was short for Muhammed, and that he was from France.

I had a little baggie of some mystery drug that my friend gave me. It looked like ground up ibuprofen. In retrospect it was definitely meth. Mo and I went to a bar but he didn't have his I.D. so the bartender threw him out so we went to a different bar. I showed him the baggie. Flash forward five minutes we're in the bathroom. Grindin' it against our gums. Our teeth. Somebody owes him coke and we snort that.

Probably around two or two-thirty a.m. There's a girl in the parking lot that I'm talking to. She's short and not very pretty and from Alabama. I tell her I want to kill myself. She hugs me and I'm crying.

" Look around you, look where you are. You're in the mountains. Everytime you want to kill yourself just think of that". I wanted to kill myself. I hated who I was. I hated how I looked at women, how I treated my parents. How I wanted to sleep with her. Mo rolled up on a skateboard.

" Could I touch your tit?" She looked offended. I did nothing.

" No".

" Could I talk to you?"

" No. I was having a very pleasant conversation with him".

" He's my friend". I say nothing. I'm sad and horny and freaked out and I want to kill myself. Drive the car my parents gave me over the switchback. Press my head against the steering wheel.

" Could I hug you?"

" Sure". Mo hugged the girl from Alabama then she asks me if she could hug me again.

" Sure". I feel nothing. The girl left and I'm alone with Mo. He's skateboarding and I have a BMX.

" Hey, stay at my place tonight".

" Ok". He lives in the middle of Mammoth alone. Huge house. Filthy. He claimed he was a liftie during the winter and didn't work during the summer. High price dab wax scattered around. He asked me if I was ever molested. I start crying.

" I was too".

" By your dad?"

" Yeah". He got a tape of Bob Marley that he plays. He talks about how he knew I was molested just by looking at me. He talks about how he had to take care of his mother and sisters from his father. How poor he was. How there's this one girl at the skate park who he swears is twenty-one but claims she's actually seventeen. I was never molested. We do some dab and his face looks like a cartoon.

" Get up, I need to find the remote". I get up. He starts touching my ass.

" You sleep in the big room. I sleep in the closet, to keep myself humble". He touches my ass again. I want to kill myself. That's all I want to do. Drive off 203. I leave and I'm grindin' my teeth. Drive to Reno and pass out in a Mexican restaurant till one pm. Can't call anyone to talk about it because don't think anybody cares.