Someone told me they just enjoy reading these rants because they like to tally up all the horribly cliché things I've done in my life. Now I feel like you guys just read them to see my latest startling confession about how my life is the plot out of a book on the "What's Hot List".

So I think you'll enjoy this one, because we get to add another cliché to the list in this rant about: Student/Teacher Stories

But the jokes on you, because I dated him in college, so ha! It wasn't high school, we were both consenting adults, and it ended great (and my university doesn't have a strict policy against it, so we were cool). I'm taking one of his classes next semester, so suck it! It's not cliché. I have done something not cliché, someone congratulate me.

And I haven't done this rant yet, because 1) I thought they were on their way out (and I've been informed they are making a comeback? I dunno, I listen to you guys) and 2) I feel like people won't like my suggestions. Because what do I know? Nothing.

(Also it sounds like I'm promoting teacher/student relationships, but I swear I'm not. I'm trying to make them realistic, because this shit happens and it's not another thing we need to sweep under the rug and ignore, because it's weird and taboo. It's wrong, but that's no reason not to explore it correctly).

Anyway, here are some things to think about if you want to write one of these. A lot of people find them gross, but I think if you explored a different aspect besides just the romance it would be less eww and more thoughtful. It might actually be a really thrilling tale. So, if you decide to take me up on any of this, let me know how it goes. Hell, leave the link to it in the comments and I'll read it!

So, let's get to the list:

1. There will be legal consequences

That's the biggest thing. You guys realize that it's highly illegal for teachers to date their students in high school, yes? The age difference alone is enough to qualify for statutory r*pe. It's also considered an abuse of power, because teachers are an authority figure. Some people have argued that their character is eighteen so it doesn't matter, but I get to educate you on this.

Public schooling systems including elementary, middle, and high schools adhere to (and correct me if I'm wrong, I haven't taken a government class in almost six years) in loco parentis, which is Latin for "in place of a parent" (in the states, anyway). So this, as my US history teacher explained in high school all those years ago, basically means "who's you're daddy? The school." Schools act as legal guardians of students, so it does not matter if the child is eighteen. Having an inappropriate relationship between a student and teacher will always be illegal in this kind of establishment. (It's also why they can deny you some of your constitutional rights, because you are their property, essentially.)

And because I know that I'm going to have people yelling at me because of what I said before the rant, I'll say it again. I was in my twenties when I dated a professor at a University without rules for student/teacher relationships. There were no consequences except ethical ones, so boom. Consenting adults at college, not high school. Sorry. (Also, I don't recommend at all. I still think dating a teacher is weird and no student should ever do it. Learn from me.)

For once, I'd like to read a story about the legal consequences, though. Think how interesting that would be. Go John Grisham on it! Seriously. And if you do, leave the link in the comments. I seriously, very badly want to read this.

2. The age difference will be a barrier

I'm telling you, there is a huge difference between sixteen and eighteen, and eighteen and twenty (for most people). No, I'm not one of those people that thinks age gaps over four years are gross. Hell, the professor I dated was seventeen years my senior. Age doesn't throw me off that much anymore.

But looking back now, I realize that dating a twenty-two year old at seventeen wasn't a good idea. It just wasn't. I thought I was mature enough to handle it, but honestly, I didn't even know how to handle myself until I was nineteen or twenty. So trying to make your character "more mature" so that the age difference doesn't become an issue probably won't work. All teens think they're "mature". About 98% of them aren't.

Also, anything over five years, there's probably going to be at least a generation gap. Seventeen years is excessive, but the going rate for slang is about two to three years, so these students and teachers will have a bit of a language barrier if nothing else.

Focusing on pop culture differences would be an awesome thing to explore. I mean, when I would go have drinks with my professor he was talking about disco while I was talking about, fucking Dude Ranch, and shit. Our childhood shows, music, overall interests were very different and it was a barrier.

Someone explore that! Write scenes where one person is talking about how they used to, I dunno, skate as a kid and the other played Candy Crush as a kid...or whatever. (That's a thing right? Candy Crush? That's a game, no? I dunno. You get where I'm going, though). It's an eye opener to look past someone's looks and delve into their personality. That usually ruins a relationship.

3. Secret relationships are not always all that fun

Everyone thinks it's so great making out in the janitor's closet and trying not to get caught. It's not. I did it for half my senior year (not with a teacher, but you get the idea). It gets old fast. Just throwing that out there.

Although, I would like these stories to focus more on how these relationships aren't caught. It has to be more than "that was a close call". Anymore you have to watch emails (do people besides me and my professors email anymore? I honestly want to know) and texts, because people can find out about those and they will. Another reason why I think a legal story would be great.

Think about it: "Sir, can you please read the highlighted text to the jury?"

"Hey bby. Cnt w8 2 c u afta skool 2day! Xoxo"

"Yes. And what were you and Miss [insert seventeen year-old student's name here] doing after school? An English lesson perhaps? She obviously wasn't paying attention in class".

That would be my scene. (That's also why I probably shouldn't write it myself).

4. Point of view is important

The story from the teenager's point of view will probably be nothing like that from the teacher's. I'd LOVE to see one written from the teacher's point of view, because do you know what a moral dilemma is (also, because teenagers try to make it sound like it's Romeo and Juliet (did you all read that article suggestion that Romeo and Juliet wasn't actually supposed to be a tragedy but a satire? That article kicked ass)).

Anyway, if you're the teacher, this student is probably incredibly desperate for affection, they look to you as an authority figure, and you will lose your job, your license, and your reputation if you get caught.

Those are high stakes and I would love to see someone tackle that as opposed to the "I love him and no one understands, but we're soulmates and we were meant to be together." It would literally be reading from the villain's point of view (because let's face it, in 99% of the cases, the teacher is the villain in these high school love dramas).

Also, if you really want to twist it up: male student/female teacher. That would be an interesting dynamic too. Boom. Go. Do it. Send me the link. For real. I'm not joking.

Also, just a side note, have you ever noticed how the guy is always the villain? Same thing happens when you see on the news where it was a female teacher. She was being "taken advantage of". I dunno. That's just my little side observation. It's whatever.

So that's my student/teacher rant. I in no way want to endorse that kind of behavior, but I would like someone to write about the consequences, because let's face it: nothing good will ever come out of that. Nothing.

And people have been complaining about my lack of funny stories, but I don't have any. So instead I will tell you about my cat!

I adopted a cat from the wild and tamed the almost twenty pound beast a while ago, so now she leaves me dead mice outside my front door and likes to play really rough with me. I accidentally taught her to slap people and she thinks it's great. If you have any body part close enough to her when she's feeling sassy (which is always), she reaches over and slaps it. Sometimes with claws, sometimes without, depending on how well she likes you.

Well, my best friend just recently got to meet her a few weeks ago and it's been a beautiful relationship. She loves him and hates him all at once. I've never seen an animal so conflicted.

She likes to cuddle, so she was furious when she came to bed the first night my best friend was home and found him in her spot. She spent the entire night with her back against my side and her feet against my best friend, stretched out as far as she could so he couldn't touching me. If he moved, she'd dig her claws into him and if he tried to reach over and touch me, she'd slap him.

She liked him a lot, because he would play extremely rough with her, but she didn't like that he took almost all my attention. So the other day when he called, I had to put him on speakerphone, because I was busy. And when she heard his voice, she walked over to my phone and slapped the shit out of it. It's been over a week since she did it and I still find it hilarious. She is still angry with him and he's been gone for almost a month now. Sassy cat holds grudges.