What's up. I'm here for a second, but I really don't have a lot of time (that's a joke, I don't have any time), so this will be short. But let's talk about something I get a lot of comments on and a lot of requests for: PDA

For those of you that are acronym challenged (such as myself. Seriously, I still don't know what half of them mean) PDA stands for "Public Display of Affection". (I actually knew that one, because it's an oldie) So, in layman's terms, sucking face and being an obnoxious couple in public. Here's what I have to say about it (like people actually care. Ha!)

1. Pet Names

So many people hate pet names and I can understand that to an extent. I get really uncomfortable reading and hearing an overkill of it, but I don't just completely swear them off. I dunno, maybe it's just because I come from the south and grew up hearing a lot of "honey" and "sweetheart" and I'm a bit older and I'm not a social justice monger like a lot of people want to be these days.

I don't really see a lot wrong with it unless it's to the point where it's too much. I have a name. You can use it.

I dunno. I don't want to read "honey", "baby", "darling", "love" every other word or I'm going to get bored. But once in a while doesn't bother me. I know about a million people who would argue with me (I'm lying, because I don't know a million people, but stay with me). It's like anything else: do it with moderation. That's all I have to say about that.

2. Voyeurism is not always a good thing

Quick, whoever can tell me the name of the band that had a song on their 1997 sophomore album called "Voyeur" gets a million bajillion points. And tell me the album name too. Because it's fun. And you get points. (Hint, they have a song with an important name in the title. Not this album or this song, but still. It's a hint for something else)

But on to the point. A lot of you probably don't know what voyeurism is. I'll tell you: it's kind of like a spy. Like, when you watch reality TV and you're supposedly looking in on these people's real lives. That's voyeurism. You are spying on them. And that's not always a good thing.

You know when one of your friend's parents start kissing or holding hands when you're around and you start to feel really uncomfortable. Especially when one of them is a step parent? (That's how it was when I went to my friend's houses in high school). It's like you're not supposed to actually see that. Like, there's an unspoken rule that parents aren't supposed to act like high schoolers that are totally in love. The honeymoon phase is over. Time to give it up.

That's how it is when I have to read about a bunch of characters making out, and holding hands, and having sex, and all that fun stuff. I feel really uncomfortable.

And I'll tell you why in my next point:

3. Mechanics are uncomfortable

I'm cool with someone saying they kissed. I'm not really cool with "his lips pressed against mine and I felt his tongue asking for entrance" and I have to stop because I'm so uncomfortable right now. There is no cool way to describe mechanics. There really isn't.

This is like the sex scene chapters all over again: I know how it works, I would rather know how it feels.

I know how kissing works. I know how hand holding works. I know how sex works. But it's a different experience for everyone. I don't need you to tell me the in's and out's like we're reading a how-to book.

I want to know how it feels. I want to know what they are thinking. What's going on in their chests and stomachs? Are their palms sweaty? Are heads spinning? What's going on?

I know two lips together makes a kiss. I don't know if her breath smells bad or if he has his eyes open.

I know two hands together makes hand holding. I don't know if her skin is soft or if his fingernails are dirty.

I know you guys are thinking I'm about to describe sex and then tell you I don't know if they have butterflies or if they are sidetracked or if they really hate the song that's on the radio. (I don't want to know about tingling, though. I absolutely hate that word).

Don't tell me how it works, tell me how it feels.

4. Anticipation vs Action

I'm one of those freaks that kind of likes anticipation better than action. Like, the moment right before your lips touch and there's kind of this electric field between the two of you and you can feel every single nerve in your face and you're afraid that if anything touches your skin you're going to get the shock of your life, but you don't care. You're pretty sure as soon as your lips there's going to be an explosion and it's the coolest scene in your head. (That's where they get the phrase "sparks fly", because it legitimately feels like you are a livewire about to get a jolt of electricity).

I like that moment just before your skin touches and you get this insane shiver that goes down your spine and all the nerves underneath try so hard to get your muscles to rise up and just get it over with, because the blood in your veins is pulsing so hard that you can't stand the way it's cold and hot all at once. But it's like the greatest exercise of control to not just close the gap, and the hair on the back of your neck stands up and your stomach gets all twisted in knots like you've just been spinning around in a chair. And your head kind of feels heavy, because it's trying to keep you grounded, but your heart is literally fluttering like a damn bird in your chest and your back starts to hurt like you're seriously going to get those stupid, cliché wings and just fly away.

And through everything there's all this nervous energy that makes you want to run and scream and jump and go crazy and throw your head around until your hair is just everywhere, but it also makes you want to be so quiet you can hear everything because you can't stand the thought of the moment being gone. You're senses are never so heightened and you feel like you're frayed, but it's the best feeling in the world.

Yeah, those moments are my favorite. I'd rather hear about that than the actual mechanics.

(Seriously, just talking about anticipation has me in a tizzy. I'm all nervous and I have chills. I need to stop).

5. Action doesn't have to be action

I'm so happy about the number of people I've had telling me that they'd rather have someone that showed you they loved you instead of telling you. I love that too.

Honestly, I can probably count the number of times I've told someone that I truly loved that I loved them on one hand. It was something we never said in my house growing up and I still don't say it. I remember when I was really sick and in the hospital and when my dad left he told me he loved me and I was just in shock, because it was like he was handing me a death warrant. It was literally like he was saying goodbye to me for the last time ever and it was freaky. So I don't like saying it.

I like when people do things to let you know they love you. Like when I go to my dad's house and he always checks my tires and the oil in my car and whatnot. He knows I'm capable and that I take care of my car and I know what I'm doing, but he still checks, just to be sure.

Or when he sends me texts on Tuesdays because he knows I hate them. And he always takes me to my favorite restaurant when he has home games on the same weekends that I go to see him.

And when I was little and my mom would make my favorite cookies and my brother would always let me have the last one. Or when we were growing up and I'd tell him I'd be home late so he'd unlock the doors for me so I could sneak in. And he always sends me funny pictures and videos because he knows I'm always stressed out and need a laugh.

And how my best friend mails me handwritten letters when he's drunk, because even when he's shit faced he still thinks about all the fun we have. (And when he becomes super famous and forgets all about me I'm going to sell them on eBay). Or how he still answers his phone at four in the morning after he's worked five eighteen hour days in a row and he just took a sleeping pill. And how entertains me by doing impressions even though I know he hates doing them, but he does them because he knows they make me laugh.

I just like the unconventional ways people say they love you.

So what do you like? Do you like PDA? Do you like when people do things for you rather than just say they love you? What do you think?

Or you can just tell me your favorite thing about anticipation. Or you can tell me something someone you love does for you (or you do for them) to let you know they love you (or you love them). Or you can answer the trivia question and get a bunch of points.

Or I could shut up now and get back to work. Yeah. I'll do that.

(Side note, does anyone know what happens when you reach 100 parts? Nothing? Something? I dunno, but I'd like to before we get there. I don't like surprises.)