I felt awful about having been sick for so long and just ignoring everyone, but I don’t feel like writing and this is all I have. You wouldn’t believe the number of people I get asking me about my best friend, so here you go. A whole chapter of him answering questions.

It was a project I did for one of my classes so it was never supposed to end up here, but he makes some good points that we’ll discuss later and I felt bad for not being around. He’s got the most beautiful way of thinking, honestly. And he’s not trying to be mean.

For now, just read and don’t forget to laugh. He might come across as a jerk, but I promise he is the nicest person you’ll ever meet. Sarcasm doesn’t come over well in writing and he talks so fast sometimes I couldn’t get it all down. So let’s journey: Inside the Mind of a Man. (If you wanna answer some of the questions in the comments, go for it! I love hearing from you guys too!)

1.       What are the most important/memorable parts of your childhood?

I always instigated everything and then told everyone else not to tell their parents. God, I instigated so much shit. So much stupid shit. Such a bad influence.

2.       What is your love language?

What the hell is a love language? Does drunk dialing count?

3.       How did your parents argue or fight?

Loudly

4.       How did your parents raise you?

I don’t know because I was a heathen.

5.       Do you want to have children?

No. I shouldn’t be responsible for children, ever.

6.       What is the most common misconception people have about you?

Because my best friend is a girl, people think I know a lot about women which is not true. I know nothing about women.

7.       What is your relationship history?

Aside from the current one, my longest “relationship” was about three hours. So, I'm gonna say bad.

8.       What are your religious beliefs/views on spirituality?

I just don’t understand why everyone wants to fight about religion and stuff. Believe whatever the hell you want and be happy

9.       What bothers you most about today’s youth?

I guess that everyone has to be outwardly obnoxious about being different. They all just end up being the same as everyone else who thinks they’re different.

Like, people say they’re weird and random but only have conversations about, I dunno, cookies and bacon and unicorns or some shit. I don’t know, whatever the fuck is the obsession now.

I’ve spent enough time people watching to know that everyone’s different and has something really cool about them they should be proud of. Some people are downright creepy, but everyone is different so we all need to just shut the hell up about it and stop trying so hard to fit in by insisting we stand out.

 If you have to tell people you stand out, you really don’t. Go be happy with who you are, not what everyone else is.

10.   What is your current short term goal?

Well, lately I’ve been conditioning people at work to ask me what time it is, so no one else ever checks their phones now. Once I control time for these people the possibilities are pretty much endless.

11.   What are your career plans?

Right now: don’t get fired for the pranks I pull

12.   What are your long term goals?

I don’t ever think long term. I kinda have this die young thing going on and it’s working really well

13.   What is your most recent accomplishment?

We have a writing room at work, and every time we go in, one guy takes three steps and throws himself on the arm of the couch. So every day, I would move the couch just a few centimeters so no one would notice, but it would be a little farther from his three steps. And every day he’d land a little closer to the edge.

And a few days ago he took his three steps, threw himself, and completely missed the couch. It took over four months, so that was a pretty big accomplishment.

14.   How do you handle money?

Surprisingly well

15.   What is something your job has taught you?

As a lyricist, I’ve realized that writers are nothing more than glorified liars. That’s the best truth ever. I’m literally getting paid to write the truth in such a pretty way that suddenly it’s a lie. You can’t beat that.

16.   If you could have one super power what would it be and why?

To me, this is a stupid question. Everyone believes too much in this superhero bullshit and they just sit around waiting for something good to happen. Get off your ass and work for what you want and you won’t need a super power.

There’s good in the world, you just gotta be willing to look for it.

Other than that, I’d like to be invisible, because I’ve pranked a lot of people and they all think they can get me back.

17.   What does sex mean to you?

For a little while you don’t have to be so alone.

18.   What are your expectations of housework? Is there woman/man’s work?

Do the shit that needs to be done. Why the fuck does everything have to be a gender issue anymore?

19.   What do you admire in other people?

Be brave enough to say what you mean and smart enough to know that not everyone has to agree with you and your needs.

20.   What bothers you most about today’s society.

Everyone blames “society” for everything that’s wrong. Society can talk, but they’re the dumbasses who listen. You can’t always have someone or something else to blame for your problems.

Sometimes you are the problem and sometimes you gotta accept that.

21.   How do you react when other people are hurting?

Not very well. Not very well at all

22.   How do you respond to stress?

Drinking

23.   How do you respond to conflict?

Drinking

24.   How do you respond to grief?

Drinking

25.   What helps you de-stress?

Drinking

26.   What can you not tolerate in other people?

Everyone is desperate to tell others that they’re random, but I can always predict 99% of what these “random” people will say when they try to prove that they are, in fact, random.

They claim to be random by blurting out the most popular obsession now. “Mustache” “Unicorn” “Bacon” “One Direction” “Dr. Who”. I know what you’re gonna say, dumbass. Everyone else is saying it too.

Nothing is random. Obviously, everyone’s mind equates certain scenarios with different objects/emotions/memories/etc. It’s not random, it’s natural.

27.   How do you show others love?

I call them when I’m shit faced and tell them I love them. Which is apparently an honor, because I am allegedly a poet that should be at an AA meeting.

28.   What makes an apology feel genuine to you?

The concept of an apology is one I don’t think I entirely understand. There are honest mistakes, yeah, but if you’re sorry then you should be more careful about how you present yourself in the first place.

29.   What do you dislike most about yourself?

I don’t think about myself a lot, so there isn’t a good answer. If I don’t like something, I change it. It’s a really simply process.

30.   What do you value in yourself?

The fact that I don’t think about myself a lot

31.   What emotionally recharges you?

Weekend benders. But we don’t talk about feelings. I don’t have feelings.

32.   Are you more comfortable sticking to structure or leaving room for plans to change?

Things without plans are more fun. And they usually work out better. Plan B always becomes Plan A, so if you really want something, you can’t have a Plan B

33.   Does it come naturally to you to make decisions based off of what is fair and logical or based off what you feel?

I usually make decisions while intoxicated, which is a bad idea, but so far it’s worked out okay. So, make of that what you will.

34.   What embarrasses you?

Honestly, I don’t get embarrassed. Shit happens. Move on. Get over it. Live in the now.

35.   Are you a people person?

Yes. I love people. They’re my favorite. I know I sound like a cynic with all those angry answers, but it’s just because I think everyone is great in some way, I don’t understand why they’re so desperate for everyone else to see it too.

 Why can’t people just be happy with who they are, because they’re all fucking awesome.

Except the dude that lives across the hall from me. He’s a dick.

And this was a text he sent me a little while ago, that has a concept I think everyone should know, because it is absolutely beautiful:

The problem is that you think too much about the big picture. You need to open your eyes, it’s not so bad. Wake up, kid. Look at all the little things. They’re beautiful. You can’t take them for granted, because all those little things you hardly notice are always going to be there for you when I’m not and when everyone else isn’t.

People like you, the lonely people, that’s their problem. You don’t realize that you’re one of those beautiful little things. You’re part of this big picture and you don’t realize that it’s actually really amazing. Without you, this picture’s not gonna look right. It won’t be so pretty.

Now go to bed, you little brat. Tomorrow’s a little thing and it’s going to be so beautiful. Be excited.